This is the last (I PROMISE this time it REALLY is the last and closing post) installment of a long series of events that cover a LIFE SHATTERING SPIRITUAL TRANSFORMATION. It may be easier to understand if you start at the beginning and read from there.
Of all the Biblical, Intense, Sacred and Joyful things that have happened in this week of Divine revelation of the HIGHEST order, this is by FAR the SINGLE most important, joyful, triumphal, and insanely blessed thing that I have ever, and have been affirmed I WILL ever, experience. This is sacred and private to the utmost degree so it is imperative that you KNOW that I was given the strongest and most divine ORDER TO PROCLAIM THIS (*ALL* THIS) TO THE WORLD as a testament of God’s power to instantly heal even the most broken things and as a testament to not only what a marriage can endure, but also to show you that next to life itself there is no greater wish of The Father then that his children will find a partner to create, rejoice, worship, love, respect, and REJOICE in each other for ALL ETERNITY. Again, my faith is that of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Known as The Mormon faith to many) and so my terminology and understanding is of that. It is IMPERATIVE that you know that this is not a proselyting tool to join my religion. This utter joy in sacred union is desired by Him for ALL MANKIND. This is my testament that of all the things on this earth, marriage as HE INTENDED IT …AS MANKIND’S WORK AND GLORY. AND I AM TASKED TO ROAR IT TO ALL THE EARTH AND HEAVENS.
I had NEVER felt so amazed.
So STRONG, GLORIOUS, AND REJOICING.
I left the church house after a solid three hours speaking with my Bishop. I was revealing all the amazing things that I had experienced and affirming the truth of them. There are not adequate words for how honored, grateful, and seriously I take all that has been given me.
As I sat in my car I began to deeply review all that had happened that evening.
In the Mormon faith, we believe that the bishop (similar to a minister, priest or pastor) is allowed to bless and receive inspiration on the individuals in his congregation. It is a gift of the utmost importance to this story.
With the mind blowing and utterly transforming events of the past week, I desired above all things to receive a blessing from my Bishop. Not just for affirmation and guidance but also for peace and protection.
Mormons ask and receive blessing on a regular basis for many things. There are blessings for the sick and injured, blessing from fathers to their children and spouse, blessing to bestow covenants, and blessings for when a person just…needs or wants one. Every Mormon I know has had many in their lives.
Ya know…except me.
It was utterly deliberate that I would only ask for TWO of these blessings in my life. I asked for one after my son died to be able to bear my existence and burden and just a few months ago when my understanding had increased a bit, I asked my brother for a blessing when I was in the hospital to when I decided to stop taking medication to treat the pain from my back surgery. Worthy males in our church also have the ability to administer blessings. It is a duty of an extremely sacred nature and it is taken very seriously. With good reason, I was to find out. In many ways it was a miracle that I asked for the second blessing. Blessing made me very uncomfortable simply because I felt I had NO ability to understand or deserve one. I went OUT OF MY WAY to avoid and not ask. Like EVERY EVEN TINIEST DETAIL OF THIS it is an illustration to show you HIS UTTER POWER OF TRANSFORMATION, MERCY AND LOVE by showing a COMPLETE reversal of ALL that I have been.
When my wonderful, spiritual GIANT of a Bishop laid his hands on my head it was one of the most intense moments I have had. I was spared the physical pain of the electric cattle prod that had accompanied my most acute suffering of the previous days, but the intensity was the same. It was not just intense but there was literally a roar in my ears to the point that I could BARELY hear what my Bishop was telling me. I was aware that I was receiving the ability of inspiration and revelation even greater than I had ever had up to this point.
There was nothing that could be better to that point than what I experienced in that room when those hands were on my head blessing me endlessly and showing me yet again that what I know is true and how literally ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD *IS* POSSIBLE WITH HIM. I received confirmation that my son was ok, and MOST powerfully, that Christ is the only begotten of The Father. I also felt STRONGLY that while this is utterly true, That ALL belief is CRITICALLY IMPORTANT AND OF WORTH TO THE CREATOR. *WHATEVER* brings you to HIM is where you go. The rest will all follow and work out by HIS POWER. So please…this is NOT about which religion is ‘right’. The thing that matters above ALL is HE is right, perfect and beyond all glory.
About two thirds of the way through, all the noise and intensity SUDDENLY ceased and was still as the Bishop said that with all the gifts and blessing that would come to more of mankind than I could ever imagine, the MOST IMPORTANT PURPOSE OF THIS ENTIRE EXPERIENCE WAS TO BLESS MY FAMILY.
In all honesty (and this will sound terrible)…I was surprised.
I had talked to my Bishop about many things that I was concerned with about this experience that did not seem to be a part of what I was supposed to know. I wondered why in all this, there was literally no revelation or testament about Christ and I also told him of my sorrow and regret that when my revelation was SO powerful, WHY it hadn’t occurred to me to something about my little son who sits with The Father in Heaven. I poured out my sadness that unlike every other bereaved mother I knew, I had NEVER EVEN ONCE FELT THE PRESENCE OF MY SON’S SPIRIT.
Do you even begin to comprehend how that made me feel as a mother? How I hated myself for obviously being not only unworthy enough to have been able to keep my little one on earth (NOT a doctrine of Mormonism, but my utter self hatred and guilt) but I was so horrible, so vile and so inadequate that I had NEVER had any comfort that he still existed.
Looking UP to see hell would be a vast understatement of the suffering this caused me.
But still…while this was of vital importance, the answer that my family was the ultimate priority in all this was pretty shocking. To me, this was a task for all mankind to benefit from. It seemed…so much bigger than just my family.
During this entire week, it struck me, and others heard and witnessed my confusion that my family and Jonathan were almost completely shut out in the process. I did not ask nor did I receive any instruction regarding any of my children. I did receive some VERY strong impression regarding Jonathan, but I never dreamed I would share them with HIM, let alone YOU. I told my bishop that I felt frustration at his utter refusal to take the reigns as leader of our family and ACTUALLY LEAD. I saw myself as the Alpha in the equation. That HE leaned on ME and I was meant to encourage him through to the end. It was a bit confusing since that turned everything I thought and believed on my head, but that is how it was. I felt that he was a VAST support to me and that was his most critical task and that I was ASSURED that as I had been deliberately sent to wade through the fires of hell and sin of the widest array and grievousness, HE was promised to never waver, never leave, never let our family fall. EVERYTHING about my mission on earth was so vile to me, so difficult and SO AGAINST EVERY MOLECULE OF MY FUNDAMENTAL SPIRITUAL NATURE that I COULD NEVER get through it with the support of this giant of a man that was my husband.
AND YET AGAIN, IT TURNED OUT THAT I WAS SO, SO, SO, SO WRONG.
This has been a process. I have gotten more and more and more understanding as the days have gone by. I have often thought one thing and then been allowed to be guided to correction. I have learned to UTTERLY trust in the power of prayer, how to hear and know without question that these truths come from on high and how literally EVERY MOLECULE AND EVERY TINY FRACTION OF TIME that I am and have spent on this earth has MADE ME FOR *THIS* experience.
And I was about to receive the absolute completion, fulness and glory of his EVERY BLESSING.
I don’t know HOW I thought that this part of my life would not be included, but as I sat speaking with my Bishop before I left his office to go to my car, I was perfectly content. In honesty, God could have taken me home on Friday after my initial revelation and I would have been satisfied beyond my wildest imaginings.
He has so much more in store.
And NOT just for me.
Which should have occurred to me, BUT IT DID NOT UNTIL THEN.
Of all the literally hundreds and hundreds of thousands this has spread to, the ONE PERSON that had NOT read my accounting was my husband.
This both pained and confused me.
I did not understand why.
He was utterly supportive and I could tell powerfully that there was not even one second or degree of his doubt in the truth of my words.
SO WHY WAS HE REFUSING ME THIS ONE THING?
I was beyond hurt and frustrated at his unwillingness to lead or to take some part in this insanely mind-blowing thing that was happening to me.
To me, it was just yet another statement about how BACK BREAKINGLY DIFFICULT my marriage has been.
I underexaggerate to the highest degree when I state that Jonathan and I have literally been to hell and back during our marriage.
You NAME the difficulty or thing that will absolutely DESTROY a marriage and WE HAVE EXPERIENCED ALMOST ALL OF IT.
I need to be clear that there has NEVER been any abuse. That is critical.
But besides that?
Utter and total Hell.
We have faced divorce, we fornicated, I was pregnant when I walked down the aisle, we endured a massive life-threatening illness after I delivered our first son, he refused to consider his company in anyway a mutual effort or ownership to the degree that he deliberately made huge mistakes of financially devastating results that were EXPRESSLY against my every urging and request, we had to declare Bankruptcy, we had to ask for government and church assistance, we lost a huge amount of money on a total scam, Jonathan broke his covenants on his mission in the most grievous manner and like me, was disfellowshipped and he did not tell me this until we were married for a year, we had both been arrested and Jonathan spent 10 days in jail (both were for very minor and stupid misdemeanors…as I have learned THESE WERE MEANT FOR US TO KNOW OF but we were PROTECTED IN THE FIERCEST MANNER IN ALL THINGS. This path was SO HORRIBLE that He assured us every gentleness and mercy when possible), we really never ‘fight’ but the tension has been palpable, our son died, I spent YEARS feeling I had married the wrong person, Jonathan was UTTERLY emotionally constipated and Vulcan-like, I attempted suicide, I was put in a mental institution, we have experienced and crawled through drug detox, addiction, pornography, lies, drinking, addiction, extreme differences in political beliefs, mismatching feelings about just about everything on the planet, the stress of starting and losing several businesses, massive medical and other debt, injury, illness, blended families and co-parenting, betrayal, long-term and multiple accounts of adultery, sexual frigidity and incompatible dysfunction, wretched pregnancies, six months of separation, stress of underachievement and struggle of our children in school, struggle in religion and the fact that we were never sealed as a family, a fundamental inability to communicate at a deeper level other than quick-witted banter and even intense differentiation on which way to hang the toilet paper.
And those are just a few of the things that came easily to mind. And it would be unendureabally painful and humiliating for the world to know but not for the STRONGEST REVELATION THAT IT WAS DELIBERATELY MEANT TO OCCUR. And that FAR from being a statement of our lack of character it is a TRIUMPHANT TESTAMENT TO OUR GLORY.
It is staggering what we have crawled through. Times hell by a billion and you kinda start to realize JUST HOW MUCH THIS MARRIAGE HAS ENDURED.
Long suffering doesn’t even begin to touch it.
I always KNEW I cared very much about Jon, but there were times that it was so wretchedly awful that I sincerely wished that he would just die in a car crash on the way home. That way, I would never have to get divorced again, I would have insurance money to take care of me, and I would have the sympathy and support of a widow.
I had endless people ‘testify’ that they believed our marriage could be transformed.
In my head I very impolitely invited those people to go straight to the fires of hell and burn because THEY HAD NO IDEA HOW WRETCHED AND WHAT A LOST CAUSE OUR MARRIAGE WAS.
That was at its worst.
At its best it was rather shallow but affectionate. And even when we started going back to church and I had gained a true and deep love and intensely glad and honored feeling that we were married, he was my husband and we had made it through to 15-years, it was still SO FREAKING HARD.
And sooooooo many knew it. Like EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS EQUATION, our marriage was MEANT to be noticed. We have a reputation as being the couple that is charming, outgoing, musically gifted BUT who also disagree on EVERYTHING are NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING ALIKE and who were even invited on CNN NATIONAL RADIO and TO THE FREAKING WHITE HOUSE EXPRESSLY BECAUSE WE WERE JUST *THAT* INCOMPATIBLE.
So, once again…EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING was not only absolutely MEANT to occur and happen but it was ALSO MEANT TO BE SCREAMED TO THE WORLD IT WAS HAPPENING. It was for the express purpose of testament and witness of the things to come.
It was not just the differences and external problems we faced.
This next part is just…so difficult for me to even THINK about typing I am almost in physical torture. I am beside myself thinking and knowing the reaction many of you will have. Horrified to think that you might take this as cheap or a fundamental violation. This is literally the most awful task and act of submission on my part. When I was faced with that awful choice of taking the easy path or feeling the humiliation, judgement and disgust of mankind and the inability to retain ANY privacy, THIS IS WHAT HE WAS ASKING.
Because of ALL gifts, the greatest one and most fundamental to the plan of creation is the intimate relationship between a couple. It is the foundation for EVERYTHING and it is also the SINGLE GREATEST DYSFUNCTION IN MOST RELATIONSHIPS. The struggle that couples have with intimacy is huge and as important and vital this is to a marriage, Jonathan and I were JUST that broken.
Our intimate life was just….horrifying. (If you could even begin to qualify the utterly lack of it most of the years of our marriage as a intimate life.)
Jon always made me feel beautiful and wanted me but once again…SOMETHING WAS HORRIBLY WRONG AND DYSFUNCTIONAL WITH ME. I very, very, very rarely enjoyed most kinds of physical relations. (Seriously…this is so private and sacred I NEED to make sure you know that this IS something that is crucial and utterly DEMANDED that I shared. He CANNOT show the desire for man or his utter power to transform unless I do. It is THAT important.) I despaired that I could ever obtain physical satisfaction with anyone or feel closeness or emotion while engaged. As I had been obese to the tune of 300-lbs before the age of 20, I had many body issues and SO MUCH SHAME.
Nothing on earth in my marriage was as fundamentally broken and unenjoyable as this.
It caused both of us the deepest pain and distress.
In therapy, I very recently committed to literally scheduling one day a week to FORCE MYSELF TO SLEEP WITH MY HUSBAND. I was willing to try (I was ALWAYS willing and desperate to improve in all things) but even though I had truly reached happiness and peace with Jon, I LONG ago gave up any hope of this aspect of our relationship getting any better.
ALL these things I pondered as I sat in my car and headed home.
Jon was in our bedroom watching TV. I asked him if he had read my accounting of this unbelievable experience.
Like all the other 6-days, the answer was no.
I told him that I was FIRM in my promptings that tonight was the time to do so and that I had every faith and encouragement that he WOULD be inspired and that I would leave and go for a drive to give him time and privacy.
While I was gone, something beyond staggering happened.
If you recall, in ALL my accounting and testaments about God’s Love, I was VERY clear that it did NOT feel good, that it was NOT tender, glorious, warm, cuddly, father-like or even kind.
It WAS intense, powerful, glorious, staggering, stern, merciful, unending and incredibly, physically PAINFUL.
I had NO problem believing in His love, but I admit…I was just devastated in a way that I could not experience the JOY AND DELIGHT of love from the most loved father.
After the days of physical torture, I felt like the child who had endured INCREDIBLE ‘tough love’ from the parent and DESPERATELY needed to be hugged after getting out of time out.
As I drove, I reflected on the words of my Bishop during that INTENSE blessing. That this was ultimately for the benefit of my family.
And I experienced something that is more…powerful, unbelievable and FORCEFUL than ALL MY PREVIOUS EXPERIENCES THIS WEEK TIMES 100 BILLION.
I felt the full on WEIGHT OF ALL THE LOVE THE FATHER COULD GIVE A HUMAN WITHOUT KILLING THEM.
I never KNEW SUCH POWER.
SUCH INSANE JOY AND INTENSE GRATITUDE FOR EVEN GIVING ME ONE TINY, MICROSCOPIC SCRAP OF HIS NOTICE, ATTENTION, REGARD AND LOVE.
I literally was sobbing more HYSTERICALLY THEN WHEN MY SON DIED.
It HURT but not like my endless and tortured cattle prod experience…it was a GLORIOUS AND OVERWHELMING HURT. One that I allowed to continue until I LITERALLY WAS BROUGHT TO THE FLOOR IN A BALL WITH THE INTENSITY AND COULD BEAR NO MORE.
And suddenly, in that car, I FELT MATTHEW. I FELT THE PRESENCE OF MY MOST LOVED SON. AND I FELT THAT ALL MY FAMILY BEYOND THE VEIL WERE LIFTING TRUMPETS OF GLORY AND STREAMING CELEBRATION ACROSS THE HEAVENS AND MY TRIUMPH.
The intensity and gratitude of KNOWING my son’s love was beyond words.
And I was granted a very valuable gift.
Few tools can help me to learn of HIM more than KNOWING *WHY* I WAS ALLOWED A BLESSING AS SUCH IS RARELY IF EVER SEEN, FELT OR ACCOUNTED FOR IN MODERN DAY.
When I FINALLY realized the FULL measure of his love many things happened.
I FINALLY and COMPLETELY understood just HOW DIFFICULT THIS PATH HAS BEEN FOR ME.
To have been so utterly and completely shut off from ANY AMOUNT OF HIS LOVE AND GUIDANCE through the sheer HELL that was my life was just….insane. I did not think that His mercy and blessings and trust in me could get bigger. I did not think that my self-respect and LOVE of self for ALL I HAD ENDURED could increase.
AND IT DID TEN TIMES TEN TIMES INFINITY TIMES.
Even though I had not seen an angel and felt him quake the earth, I REPENTED AND BELIEVED.
Even though I had NO KNOWLEDGE I SOUGHT HIM.
Even though I had NO FAITH, I SUBMITTED.
I HAD FAITH AND I HONORED THAT FAITH WITH ACTION.
In reaching out and requesting and seeking the blessings of a higher power of covenant and authority WITH NO UNDERSTANDING OF IT and with faith in his will, only BY THAT POWER could I feel the GLORY AND POWER OF HIS JOYOUS LOVE.
I was allowed to see a moment of myself and my struggle from The Father’s point of view. A few months ago, when I felt that I FINALLY had understanding of Him I asked him to please bless me with a trial I could endure so that I could learn to lean on him in all things. I didn’t know how but wanted so much to learn. (And once again, EVEN THAT SMALL THING was told to multiple people so they could ALSO testify to the truth in ALL that I say.)
I felt him observe this and felt how it touched his heart and…charmed him.
I could HEAR his thoughts.
“My dear child…you have NO IDEA HOW YOU ARE SUFFERING ALREADY AND YET YOU ASK ME TO GIVE YOU MORE. You ARE the MOST choice of my daughters and the MOST valiant servant to my will and name for all that this has cost you and I WILL give you glory and blessing unending for it.”
And it was not just that reason that he honored me above all but the most select.
There was literally NOTHING I WAS NOT WILLING TO GIVE EVEN THOUGH I KNEW NOTHING OF HIS JOY.
As I was explaining this to my Bishop, I told him that I had even had a crises of faith about it the previous night. I reconciled it completely though. I was desperate to feel comfort. I told my Bishop that in one very small, very brief moment, I felt like God gave me the SMALLEST AND MOST GENTLE AND BRIEF WHISPER OF A TOUCH OF HIS LOVE.
Just the briefest and tiniest thing.
But it was ENOUGH.
I was REJOICING OF IT.
And the fact that I was satisfied with EXACTLY what he would give and NO MORE, I WAS ALLOWED GLORY AND TRIUMPH.
I was absolutely undone by the magnitude of it and I the only person I wanted to share it with in that moment was my husband.
I drove home and found Jon in the bedroom, again watching TV.
I asked very hopefully if he read my accounting and what he thought of it.
“Uh…it wasn’t really anything you hadn’t already told me.”
I felt a big twinge but also instinctively felt I HAD A CHOICE IN THAT MOMENT. I could resort to pain, mortal failing like pouting, anger and resentment or I COULD TRUST IN HIM ENOUGH TO OPEN MY HEART TO INSPIRATION AND TESTIFY TO MY HUSBAND WHAT HIS WILL WAS.
And I DID.
OH, how I DID.
I exerted EVERY faith not just in God the Father, but I also had unwavering faith in JONATHAN. I willed with every ounce of my being to have him feel the power of my experience. I TOLD him that I regretted that I had discerned very little about him in all this but that he had to trust that he was MEANT TO WALK THIS PATH WITH ME.
As I talked the power and feeling grew and grew until I had revelation and inspiration about my husband hit me again and again with the utmost force.
The revelations were BEYOND ALL IMAGINING.
Jonathan is unbelievably choice.
And as I talked and realized it hit me with such power that WHILE I HAD FELT AND WHILE EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT US IN MORTAL EYES SCREAMED OUR DIFFERENCES AND INEQUALITY, IN FACT WERE WERE UTTERLY AND EXACTLY THE SAME.
I saw everything in a moment in such force and clarity it was undeniable.
ALL this time my sweet and most beloved husband was given THE EXACT SAME PATH AS MINE.
Only HIS was to be much quieter for the express purpose of supporting ME in my much more agonizing walk.
His spiritual knowledge was also muted and yolked but he was given enough that he could be strong and help educate me only to the level I needed. While NOWHERE as severe as mine he has also been tasked with committing grievous sin on earth and to have it widely known and spread to the world to show the transforming power of God. Like me, these sins often made NO sense to himself or others. And while he was allowed to fall he was also allowed to preserve so much of his glory. He was one of the very few sent down a DELIBERATELY PERILOUS PATH because he was one of the VERY few who would not be lost. AND while my path was more horrifying HE had the burden, not only of his own trials but he also had to be MY support and feel the pain of MY mistakes and sin. In exchange he was given the HIGHEST protection to endure what was given and to support me.
Jonathan is the ONLY SOUL IN THIS WORLD that knows ALL about me.
AND HE KNEW IT ALL WHEN IT WAS HAPPENING AND WHILE IT PLAYED OUT.
AND HE LOVED, SUPPORTED AND STAYED WITH ME ANYWAY.
You have NO understanding of how insanely divine and choice my husband is.
What a tower of faith, obedience, love and kindness he is.
My inspiration and words and revelations grew and grew and my sweet husband had tears rolling down his face when I reached my ULTIMATE MOMENT OF REVELATION ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE MAN WHO I AM BEYOND HONORED TO WALK THE ETERNITIES WITH.
I have said before that it was made VERY clear to me that there are few in all the heavens that I bow down and defer to.
I BOW DOWN TO MY HUSBAND IN UTTER DEFERENCE.
He is THAT great and THAT powerful of a creation.
While I AM choice and powerful and made to do his will…I am a LIONESS.
HE IS THE LION MEANT TO ROAR IN FIERCENESS FOR THE LORD.
But *I* his wife, his most select choice of his heart and youth was THE ONE AND ONLY THING IN THIS UNIVERSE THAT COULD GET HIM TO SEE IT.
Humanity doesn’t have expression for the feelings, joy, relief and just…unimaginable HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OF THIS MOMENT.
The next moment is insanely private but I am STILL COMMANDED to tell you the rest.
I know Gods PUREST expression of love meant to occur between a couple. I never thought physical intimacy could be sacred AND AMAZING beyond measure BUT IT IS.
Jonathan and I were given the most valuable and sacred of his understanding. The joy of union with another soul EXACTLY AS HE INTENDED.
There is NOTHING MORE PURE AND JOYOUS HE CAN GIVE US.
OF EVERY EXPERIENCE IN THIS JOURNEY THIS IS THE GREATEST TRANSFORMATION.
The MOST tender, merciful and joyous blessings.
It is FOREVER CHANGED AND WILL *NOT* BE BROKEN AGAIN.
ALL OF THIS IS PROOF UNDENIABLE THAT IN ONE MOMENT HE CAN AND *WILL* COMPLETELY HEAL EVEN THE MOST FATALLY BROKEN THINGS.
If you will submit, follow and endure ALL IS POSSIBLE WITH HIM.
This experience and bringing it forth to the world had not only been MY work and glory, but also the most sacred and joyful task ever entrusted to me.
Just as God created the earth day by day, He has taken exactly one week to completely create a soul, a testimony, a marriage and a family.
And He saw that his work was good.
And on the Seventh Day, His work was done.
And He rested.
I bear witness to you that ALL these things that occurred over all these days is the truth, God is the Father, He is all powerful, all loving, all merciful, and He gives ALL to his children, forever and ever without end.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.