(WHY is that so freaking difficult to say?)
I wasn’t going to tell the internet, because I hadn’t even had time to process it and tell my close friends and family that I WAS pregnant.
I’m not really sure how I feel right now.
I wasn’t sure how I felt when I was pregnant.
I am ashamed enough to admit that there was a portion of me that actually HOPED this would happen. Who does that??? I will probably hate myself a very long time for it.
I was really early so nothing like a D&C necessary. I probably wouldn’t have even known I was miscarrying (Other than it was pretty painful and…other stuff) but I was very late and so I had it confirmed.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. But I was getting happier. I was hoping that I had the strength to do it. AND I was very happy that I had one pregnancy where I wasn’t drinking Diet Coke.
And then it happened.
It started out that we all had stomach flu (which I suspect was really food poisoning) everyone was getting better than me….and then it started happening.
And then it was gone.
Part of me is gone.
(My apologies to the Evo staff and Jyl Patee, Jill Greenlaw and my fellow volunteers and brands that I had appointments to meet with. I’m so sorry this happened right before the conference and I left you all with additional duties. I never slack on my duties. I hope you understand.)
I was going to go to church today. Jonathan took the boys. I am in NO state to be there.
I’m in no state to be anywhere.
Especially in my own head.
I have questions…so many, many, questions.
Would I have finally gotten my redheaded girl?
Do they even exist anymore or are they just…gone?
I know I have 3 living children and one that passed away, but do I have 4 children or 5?
Will I ever stop blaming myself?
Will I ever stop loving something I only knew was alive for a week?
I don’t know if I’ll ever have answers to any of these questions or not.
I feel a little lost and alone.
I’m not sure that feeling is going to change for awhile.
And I’m not sure that’s not exactly what I deserve.