My dad is out of surgery. His heart stopped twice but he is ok. Over all recovery will take months and then, yup. More surgery. Thank you for everything. I turned comments off on the previous post, but honestly…The words you sent have helped. Thank you for understanding it is not so much the rejection (although that would have been icky no matter what) as the subject matter that was rejected.

In short? Thank you for understanding ME.

You are lovely.

(Oooh! Bright spot! I just recalled that I have an entire Pepridge Farms double fudge cake in my freezer! I’m going to take it, a fork and curl in the fetal position.)

*Six hours into my dad’s surgery (twice what we thought it would take) and there is still no word. I know, not much of an update but I am going crazy and had to do SOMETHING. And? Yes, I still feel pretty much as shitty as when I wrote this post. I bet some of you are reevaluating your desire to run into such a big barrel of fun as me at BlogHer, huh? The emails and ecards were lovely, though. Really. I will let you know if something changes. .

My day started out ordering a few more business cards for BlogHer.

It ended with me sobbing hysterically for hours over an order of greasy Mexican food from Beto’s.

What happened between then and now can only be described as one of the most suck-ass days known to mankind.

I jumped in my car to drive two hours to see my father because in the morning he is undergoing a very serious surgery on his heart. I wasn’t fully aware at ALL how serious until this afternoon. I haven’t talked about it to anyone because it’s all been very fast.

I desperately didn’t want my last words to him to be, “Yes, dammit!!! I will water the plants, ok? I HAVE to go because James and Christopher are about to murder each other.”

CLICK.

I could NOT have that remain as it was. Because of anyone on the earth, I know that bad, bad things DO happen.

So I hastily arranged to go see him in the hospital and what can only be described as a sadistic comedy of errors on my life by the universe commenced.

THING AFTER THING AFTER FREAKING HORRIBLE THING happened over and over.

Under less seriously circumstances it would be hilarious, but it just SUCKED ASS to go through today.
Having my father tell me where he kept the state quarters he collects for my boys in case the worst happens was quite bad enough, thank you.

Final straw?

Checking my email and after a leap of hope that they hideousness of my day MIGHT be brightened I little I saw my rejection for BlogHer Community Keynote speaker.

Nope. I didn’t tell anyone I submitted. I submit for lots of things and I get rejected for almost all of them and I usually do not say word one about it here or really anywhere. Only the ladies that I worked with knew that for months I worked on a proposal for a BlogHer panel that, yup. got rejected.

I was sad. I teared up because I put a crapload of time and thought and work into that proposal. And? I got over it and congratulated the winners and moved on.

This?

Has fucking crushed me.

F-U-C-K-I-N-G. C-R-U-S-H-E-D. M-E.

Why?

Not why you would think. See that post below? The one about blogging jealousy? I really mean it.

It would have been beyond wonderful and humbling to read something I wrote in front of my peers. It sucks that I wasn’t picked, but really? EH. I’m not picked for lots of things. I have been auditioning for shit in front of people since I was little. I’m not saying that it’s fun but dude. I can eventually deal.

I submitted this post.

It’s about my son, Matthew.

It is by far the best thing I have written.

I cannot do better.

So, yes. That is part of it. Finding out that my very, very best? Is not enough.

Still, I could still live with that but there would be a lot of Ben & Jerry’s involved to get me through it.

What it comes down to?

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

I should have known better than to submit THAT post. Or any post regarding my son. For one? If I had been asked to read, you can bet your ass that I would have worried that I was selling out my poor little boy for glory. (How is that for conflict?) Still…I thought about that and I know that there are so many others who have felt that way. And I know damn well that every parent has wondered what it would be like to have to walk in my shoes. (Hint: It fucking SUCKS.)

Plus? I had 4 months with my son. It is stupidly important to me that his little life reach people or touch people since he has so little time to put his imprint on the earth by himself. That was part of my motivation in submitting.It may not make sense if you haven’t walked in my shoes. Maybe even that wouldn’t matter as very little about the whole awful situations makes sense anyway.

I should never, ever have taken my boy and put his memory and my feeling about him into the hands of others to accept or reject. I am not sorry I wrote about it or him. Here? I have control. It is different.

I took the most precious, tender, secret, loving thoughts and feelings that I have about my little bug and put that control into people who do not know me. Who did not love him. Who had a cut and dried decision to make.

And those memories and feelings and nights sobbing in my pajamas in the cemetery by him now have a fucking “REJECTED” sign all over them.

I never, ever, EVER should have put myself in this position and I should have known better. I should have known how personally I take my writings about Matthew. I knew deep down that the fall out of this would be terrible and I should not have done it.

SO?

I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel. I know that embarrassed, stupid, shamed, angry, sad, achy, loss, and just feeling bone-dead-beaten down are all floating around in my mind, heart and soul but god damn if I have the energy to figure out the why’s and where’s of them. I know that this situation was made SOOOOOOO much more shitty by the seriousness of my father’s situation and that every single time I am within miles of a hospital and those smells and sights and cold, sterile air, I am launched back into the trauma of the day Matthew died.

There are also piles of things that are going on that I NEVER talk about here and it is all coming out with a vengence tonight.

And that? DOES NOT HELP.

I think I will just throw this computer away for awhile and try to cope and deal and concentrate on my father. (And yes, if you are really enough of an ASSHAT to wonder if the rejection of the post is a bigger deal to me than my father…Never mind, I’m not even going to answer that, you prick.) I just cannot, cannot talk more about it than I have.

The stupid blog post is something that I can handle writing about and posting here.

I don’t want to analyze or logic through the “Why’s”. Does it matter? The end result is the same, right? Besides, emotion tied to loss like this is not logical AT ALL. I’m not even going to see who made the list because chances are high people I know and loved are on that list and guess what? I DON’T FEEL LIKE BEING HAPPY FOR ANYONE ELSE RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT. Because like I said, I believe in the monstrously long drivel I wrote on blogging jealosy and I WILL be happy for them but screw it for now. That can come later, ok?

I don’t ask that there be one whit of understanding about this post. I don’t care if it’s seen as petty or small. I really don’t care about much right at the moment. This post? Is for me. I really don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks of it or me right now. I have to get some of this out because I just can’t take one more thing and talking here usually helps. Which I need, even if it is only a little bit. Because I am at the end of my freaking rope.

I am going on 3 hours of sleep in two days and since my dad goes into surgery at 7 and it’s 5:15 in the morning, I am going to stop talking.

I would say that I feel like complete hell but at this point I feel like I have to look UP to see hell.

COMMENTS OFF.

*Edited to include a little slice of humble pie. Just in cased you still thought I was a bit too big for my britches after reading this.

Today’s topic: Jealousy in the blogosphere.

(Or envy, feeling left out, whatever emotion you want to add to it. I think it all falls under the same umbrella, I just chose jealousy because who didn’t love that song by The Gin Blossoms?)

I am not the first to write about this. I’m not the second, tenth or probably even the eleventyhundredth to type out my thoughts and feelings about blogging jealousy. I am also pretty damn sure that many people have written about it far more eloquently than I am about to.

Yesterday, I posted a link that I found via Megan the Beautiful (Otherwise known as Velveteen Mind). It really resonated with me because I could have written a lot of it myself. I found myself going back to check the comments (something I do not do very often simply because of time) because I wanted to see what other people had to say.

Then, I got a comment on this blog on my “Postsecret-esque” post that allowed anonymous comments in reference to the link. (And? I am so sorry I left that post up so long. My internet died for a couple of days and then it was the holidays. Still, holy cow you all are totally fascinating. It’s an illustration that we are all walking around with baggage that is unseen by most of the world. )

This comment was left by what I am assuming is a regular reader and I really wanted to address it because I have wanted to talk about blogging envy for some time and now seems as good a time as any.

Anonymous says:

I read your sidebar and the post that it was linked to and I had to comment here.I’m using a cloaker just to make sure you really don’t know who I am.

I hope this doesn’t come off as mean, but I am eaten alive by jealousy of your blog and other big bloggers. You have so many friends and so much traffic and I even though I check your blog almost obsessively, I also have so much envy that I am beginning to think it is unhealthy.

I try to comment on blogs and still only have a reader or two. You’ve never commented on my blog and while I understand that you have a lot going on, I still get hurt, but then I feel like a pouty kid on the school bus and am ashamed. I’m actually crying here. How stupid is that?

It seems like so many people I read have success after success while I try but seem to fail. I expect it from some of the snarkier bloggers. For instance, I’ve been trying to get Black Hockey Jesus to follow me on Twitter or his blog but I sort of expect the rejection there.

I can’t even seem to get the attention of the nice bloggers.

You aren’t the only one that I am talking about, but you are the place where I can vent this anonymously and get it off of my chest.

I really admire you and think that your blog is wonderful. I hope that this didn’t come off as too mean. I am just having a hard day.

Dear Anon, I wish you would email me privately. I would love to talk to you at length because I have been right where you are. No, this didn’t hurt my feelings at all. Don’t be afraid that I think you’re “Mean”. I don’t. I did something similar to my beloved Kerflop and am still amazed that she didn’t think I was the world’s biggest jerk. She was understanding about my naivety and was, and still is, all kinds of awesome.

There are a few salient points that I would like to talk about, if you don’t mind.

Having traffic doesn’t make feelings of inadequacy magically disappear.

I doubt that there are many bloggers out there that would label themselves as “Popular” and I certainly don’t classify myself as that. I AM very aware that I have awesome and loyal readers and commenters AND I AM SO DAMN GRATEFUL FOR IT LIKE YOU CANNOT BELIEVE, but it doesn’t mean that I am not critical about myself. On those down days when I over-analyze everything I start writing “The List” of things that are negative.

Wanna peek inside my feelings of inadequacy? Here you go:

I have never been asked to review one product, go on one paid trip, drive a car around, write for any kind of blog/newsgroup/blogging magazine or speak about blogging at any formal blogging function save the one where I was a total asshat and ended up saying someone was pretty much the equivilent of a dirty, urinal whore. (Good thing that just made me go up in her estimation, huh?) I am not a channel editor, award winner, nor do I even consider myself a good writer. I just count myself blessed that I have a quirky enough life/personality to have the following that I do because I use CAPS! EMOTICONS!! EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! And as my English major friends will attest, very inadequate grammar skills.

Book deals, Camp Baby, Feedburner buttons with subscriber numbers, Technorati rankings, television interviews, write ups in major newspapers, coveted guest postings, Stumble reviews, Twitter followers, convention speaking, and howmuchisyourblogfreakingworth, I could go on and on and ON about the things that I think I am inadequate at or have been excluded from that good friends have been privileged to enjoy. And it stings and sucks sometimes. I am so genuinely excited and thrilled because all of them truly deserve it, but (again) I am human and want to participate, too.

Last year when everyone was preparing to go to BlogHer 2007? Even though I was happy for those going I also wanted to make badges that said, “I’m NOT going to BlogHer 2007 and you all can just BITE ME!”

I hated that I wasn’t going and hated how jealous I felt of those who jetted off to Chicago. So, I made a plan. I worked and saved. I reached out to people that were going. I joined the BlogHer Network and have done everything I can to prepare. I am proud that I am going and it is a dream come true for me so I am writing about it. I know that this will probably hurt some that feel how I did last year, but I would hope that they would also be understanding about how hard I have worked to go and let me be excited and write about it. I wish I could take you all with me (although that would probably be uncomfortable for my very awesome roommates.)

Most bloggers have many more failures than successes. Also, don’t take it for granted that awesome things just “Happen” to bloggers. You may not know the full story.

I fail much more than I succeed. Look at the above section, for Pete’s sake. Not that I haven’t had some successes with blogging, I have. I would be sad if I hadn’t because I invest a crapload of time and energy into it.

I was written about in my local paper (No CNN or New York Times for certain) for making a blatant ripoff of Matt Harding’s Dancing Man video. I made an ass out of myself by dancing around Cache Valley. Weirdly, people loved it. Yes, I am the world’s WORST DANCER and yes, I misspelled “Blatant” in the opening credits. Awesome.

One awesome bloggity pal asked me to guest post in her stead (STILL one of my favorites, ever) and I’m listed on Alltop. Guess what, though? I wrote and asked to be considered. I wasn’t just noticed and thought the world of and included. I wish that was the case (and it was for MANY) but nope. Not me.

I wasn’t even formally invited to the Alltop/Kirtsy party being hosted during BlogHer and I’m on the freaking Alltop list! It’s embarrassing to admit but it’s the truth. I could have gotten hurt by it, but I just wrote and asked if I could crash and they were very lovely and said everyone was invited, so it is all good. I am going to go and have a wonderful time.

I get rejected all the time. Pointing to a specific example listed in the anonymous comment, Black Hockey Jesus does not reciprocate my following on Twitter, either. There could be loads of reasons for it and I could drive myself crazy at wondering why, so I just don’t. However, if you call him a little bitch he will apparently adore you, so you may want to give that a try. Heh. (Untwist the knickers, people. I’m quoting him.)

Bloggers are human. (Even the really popular ones.)

Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day to work with. Everyone has varying levels of time that they can put into blogging and despite the fact that you may read every syllable that a blogger publishes or even email them or tweet them to death, you can’t know the how’s or why’s that go into why or why not someone does or does not read you or comment on your blog.

I used to read and comment on the blogs of everyone who commented on Looney Tunes because at the time I was capable of managing it. I am sad that is no longer the case. I may and I may not read you. I can’t read everyone as much as I GENUINELY would love to, even if it was just to make everyone feel as happy as I do when someone reads me.

I think that I am like a lot of people who blog. I have different, mostly unknown, reasons why I read the blogs that I do. I also change them frequently and lurk much, much more than I used to. In fact, I am considering dumping the whole Google reader thing all together and starting off fresh. I don’t know. I have been thinking and pondering blogging balance and how to achieve it for a long time. I am not alone in this.

So much of it is just an issue of time. Truly. I have had to cut way back on my online stuff to tend to in my real life stuff. I am sorry if you feel neglected and I need to stress that I try my best. I am so bad at so many things like emails, comment response and even thanking people for the lovely things that they do and send me. Boo on me! Truly, though…I don’t mean to hurt anyone.

Every blogger out there was a “Newbie” once.

Not having readers can suck a duck. Some people really are fine with it and either turn off comments or just find an inner peace that they write for themselves. (I am not one of those people.) However, with some exceptions, pretty much all bloggers start at the same place. Where you have no readers except for a handful of people that you have to force/bribe/promise your firstborn to to get them to read your blog. I went months and months with my sister Linny and faithful friend, Karen as my only readers and commenters. Hell, even Dooce started out talking about a carton of Carnation milk and I am pretty sure that no one was clamoring to read THAT post when she hit the publish button.

It’s human to want to be noticed by people you admire.

I am not going to lie and pretend that I am not thrilled to my very tip tippie toes when a blogger I admire that has a big following actually notices that I exist. I wish that I could say that I am immune to it but I would totally be lying due to the fact that just this morning I ran in circles like a rabid dog on meth screeching, “She likes me! She likes me!!” when a huge blogger that I adore and thought maybe, MAYBE might have my name ring a bell when I tackled her at BlogHer and that want to totally make out with on a regular basis wrote me an email telling me that she loves my blog despite just being a lurker.

(She obviously doesn’t mind humungo run-on sentences and over abundant use of parenthesis.)

I realize this may look like bragging and I don’t mean it to be. I would not mention it at all except to illustrate the point that I can totally be a star-struck DORK when it comes to people whose work I admire. DON’T YOU ALL REMEMBER WHEN I TOUCHED AIR SUPPLY?????? I’m human, so shoot me.

All bloggers are not equal, despite what the fairytale says. You may never get to be one of the A-listers. And to survive and keep blogging you have to be ok with this to some degree.

The words and writings of some bloggers carry more weight in the blogosphere. That is just reality, friends. It doesn’t mean that as a person they are worth more than others, but I can’t make the blogging world into a Marxist fairytale where all bloggers have the same status.

There may not be a “CLUB” but there are bloggers that are DAMN AWESOME and they have buttloads of people who read them that think the same thing. To pretend that there are not “A-listers” out there is as stupid as thinking that they are all condesending writers that are incapable of paying attention to people that don’t have equal readerships. (Not to say that it doesn’t ever happen.)

There are ALSO some bigger blogs that are popular and I really have no idea WHY or HOW that happens. Hell, NO I am not going to link to them. For one, obviously some people love reading their stuff and I don’t want to insult someone’s taste and two, I do not have an internet-drama DEATH WISH.

This is just a reality that everyone has to come to grips with and to find a way to deal with it in their own way or you will make yourself miserable.

It will probably never be enough. At least some of the time.

Humans are not meant to be stagnant-very few can stay in one place without continuing to reach or strive to other levels. Blogging is no exception. If you have a 100 readers, at some point you will probably want 200. If you get 20 comments on a post you will aim to get 50. This is not a bad thing. Having goals is good. It makes people grow and succeed.

Like most things, just try to keep it in check because you also want to be happy where you are and have fun.

There is downside to popularity.

Your mother was right about that. With more traffic and exposure comes, well…More traffic and exposure. You have more obligations, more people to care about, to worry over, to email, to read, more haters, trolls, and people who can be so fugly and suckass in their comments it would make your eyes bleed and your skin fall off from the scathiness of them.

Your words can be mocked and patronized. You can make people so damn angry over the slightest comment or opinion. It can get ugly to the point that you are scared to write ANYTHING and agonize before hitting the publish button for fear of who you will piss off.

The bigger you are, the more weight your words carry and the ramifications of an opinion and how you state them can be effing HUGE. (NOPE. Not specifically TOUCHING THAT ONE. Enough has been said already eleventyBILLION times over.)

Friends and family can get hurt or irritated or angry and sometimes it can get to the point that you don’t recognize who you are writing about because you feel like you can’t write about ANYTHING for fear of fallout.

It isn’t fun. No, not at all.

Luckily, this isn’t constant and most people learn to suck it up and deal and create boundaries pretty damn fast about what they are comfortable writing about.

Still, be careful what you wish for.

At some point, Loralee will run out of finger strength,lose her balance and fall off the soap box, or just get to the damn point and finish this ass-long post, already.

The point of all this VERY LONG rambling is that we are all in this together and you aren’t alone. Everyone has jealousy. It is to what level you allow it to reach and what you do with it that matters. Just don’t let it get out of hand.Take action, do what you can to remedy the situation, talk to people about it! If you are having jealousy to the point of it really causing problems, that sucks. Mainly for you, because that is the person it will ultimately hurt the most.

“The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.” -William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude, 1693.

P.S. No matter how hard you try or want them to? Some people just AIN’T GONNA LIKE YOU. Sorry, but again, a reality you have to face. Just try to realize that is humanity and appreciate and love on the people that think the sun shines out of your ass, or if worse come to worse-that can tolerate speaking to you in five minute increments.

P.P.S. If none of the above advice works, just exclaim to the internet that you have magical boobies. Totally worked for me.

*In conjunction with today’s post on blogging jealousy, there is nothing quite like having your Technorati ranking plummet almost 200 points in ONE DAY.

Ouch.

The Over Thinker recently published a post that I am going to imitate/downright steal. She asked her readers to post anonymously and answer the question, “What is the biggest lie you have ever told”? I was really surprised by some of the comments. You all should go read her responses. They are fascinating.

I loved the idea, and so I’d like to try it here despite this raging fear that there will be crickets chirping in my comments section and that it won’t reach the double digits.

I thought the question that she asked was intriguing and I certainly don’t care if that is what people choose to answer, but I didn’t want to pigeon hole those who may feel uncomfortable with revealing the biggest lie they have ever told.

So?

What is your big confession? Your dark secret? Your embarrassing moment?

Don’t worry, it will be anonymous. Normally, I have the anonymous comment feature on my blog disabled, but until I put a new post up I am allowing anonymous comments on my blog.

DON’T PUT ANYTHING IN THE NAME/EMAIL/URL FIELDS OF YOUR COMMENT. IT WILL COME UP AS ANONYMOUS.

I tested it to make sure it works. And don’t stress that I can somehow find out who you are. As you know, I do have a tracker and I could probably strive to try and figure out who you are, but A:I WILL NOT DO THAT and B:DUDE. WHAT A FREAKING HEADACHE ANYWAY. My tracker also turns over really fast.

Besides, I am also the last person to judge. I have things in my life that would make your hair curl and would most likely have gotten me stoned to death in Biblical times. And probably modern times depending on what segment of the world we’re talking about.  So, please don’t worry what I’ll “Think”. NOTHING surprises me anymore. You’re safe.

Although to clarify, shitty or spiteful comments flung at me or others won’t be allowed. Sorry.

I will be making a confession of my own in the comments section. (And no, I will not clarify which one is mine. Sorry again.)

So? Secrets? Embarrassing moments? Liar, liar pants on fire?

Spill it.

I just got home from a funeral.

Despite what the first three letters of the word may indicate, funerals are never fun. This one was especially sad and just…WRONG. Going to the funeral for a young, vibrant 20-year-old is something that just shouldn’t happen. It is out of order of how life should be.

I have put off writing about it because ever since I got the news I feel like I have been holding back a huge dam of emotion with a wall made of toothpicks. I don’t mean to take this and turn it into something that is about me, but this has evoked some powerful emotions and very painful memories for me.

I never met the person whose service I attended today. He was the son of my long-time OBGYN, Dr. Mark D. Heiner, who relocated to North Carolina about a year-and-a-half ago. His name was David and he was a Sophomore in college. You should have heard the lovely things that were said about him at his memorial. He just seemed like an amazing young man. Passionate, bright, and above all-very kind and loving. He was visiting his family in North Carolina and was swimming with his brothers at their country club pool and he was found at the bottom of the pool. After several days it was determined that his brain was not functioning, he was removed from life support and passed away on June 18th.

Today would have been his 20th birthday.

I know it may seem a little strange to go the the funeral of the son of your doctor, and to have such sorrow about it, but you don’t know Dr. Heiner. He has been my doctor since 1995. He delivered all three of my boys and brought all of them into the world kindly and safely. When I had a massive blood clot after Christopher was born, he diagnosed it over the phone and told me to get to the emergency room immediately. It saved my life.

I consider him more than a doctor. He is a friend. He is the kindest and most HILARIOUS man. I swear most of the progress made during my labors was because of the hysterical laughter going on in the delivery room. He once told me to schedule my yearly checkup in the winter because they are gray and boring. He is just wonderful.

When my little Matthew was born, Dr. Heiner was one of the first people to see him. That fact ALONE would be more than enough to make him a very special person in my life. He was the one who told me that he had red hair. Being a redhead himself, Dr. Heiner piped up, “You realize this means he is going to be a genius, right?”

When Matthew passed away and I was writing his obituary, I included Dr.Heiner. Matthew’s life was so short that there were not many people who made a significant impact with him outside of family and friends. He came to bug’s funeral and he was very helpful to me when I was dealing with the enormous fallout that happened because of Matthew’s death. He was non-judgmental, loving and wise.

It was very sad to know that he and his beautiful family are going through such a horrible loss, knowing what I know. I waited a very long time in the receiving line to see him and his lovely wife. I recognized the looks on their faces and I just cannot express how my heart hurt for them. For what they have been through and for what is ahead of them.

You would think that someone who has had a son die would know better what to say, but I didn’t.  Even those who have lived through it are at a loss of what to say in the face of such awful tragedy like this.  So? I just went on instinct, and I hugged both of them and told them how very sorry I was and how I had been thinking of them. There were some tears. There was also a good deal of laughter. (I know that also may sound strange, but honestly, it’s how I deal with things like this and besides, Dr. Heiner started it!)

I am very grateful that they had 20 years of memories that they can hold close to them. I envy that. I know that probably sounds petty of me, and some of you may wonder how in the world anyone could envy people who have had such a huge loss, but I would give anything to have had more than 4 months with my little bug, to have seen what kind of man Matthew would have grown into, even if it meant ultimately saying goodbye.

However, Dr.Heiner said something very profound during the eulogy. He said that even if he had known David would pass away at 20, he would have had him again in a heartbeat. I feel the same way about my little bug. Even though my time as his mother was so very, very short, he was absolutely precious. I would do it all again without hesitation.

Above everything, the sentiment that was expressed time and time again during the service is how each person would give anything to have more time with David. Things like this are so difficult but they are also needed to put life into perspective. To value what you have. To hug those you love a little tighter and give thanks that they are still here and safe.

So? What are you waiting for? Go tell someone you love them.

(I freaking love that movie.)

So…Who else has the cause for Ultimate Suffering? Wait, wait! I can answer that question.

The answer would be ME.

The check engine light is back on in my car.

I would say that the popping sound you just heard was my brain exploding, but to be honest, it exploded so many times last week, it really hasn’t recovered yet.  My husband said that he talked to the mechanic about this possibility and that it probably isn’t a big deal and something that can be fixed at our leisure but we have to get it scanned (again) and I have to look at the damn engine light being on while I drive (again).

SuckasuckaSUCK.

Since I don’t want to just concentrate on car suck a duck, here are some other random bullets of yada yada yada.

• I get to see one of my college roommates for lunch and and a manicure/pedicure today.  I have to have my nails done for my role in Thoroughly Modern Millie and I have to say that I am really a fan of it. I NEVER paint my own nails.  I always end up looking like Lizzie Borden after her big axe workout with the folks.  They look horrible. Having someone else do it is pretty awesome.

• Since I only get paid for doing the show at the end of the run, I will have a nice little sum of money.  It will probably be put towards debt but I would LOVE it to be put towards a Nikon D60. I like having a little money of my own. It makes me really keep thinking about how I wish I had some skill that was actually profitable. Everything I’m good at is usually low or non-paying. Yippee.

• I’m getting freaked out about BlogHer.  Mainly? I AM FRIGHTENED I WILL BE A DEER IN HEADLIGHTS WHEN YOU INTRODUCE YOURSELF AND I WILL NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE OR RECOGNIZE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE OR REMEMBER YOUR NAME.  Because most of the time I call people by their blog name in emails, conversations and in my head. I am scared that I will just draw a big, fat blank when put in social situation.

• Mid-July is going to be an experiment in travel hell.  I get back from BlogHer on the 20th. I have a show on the 21st and I leave to Seattle for a family reunion on the 22nd. Did I mention I will be driving in a van with TWELVE OTHER PEOPLE?  It is almost enough to make me want to walk the pier and give $5 blowjobs to come up with airfare. (Except I live in a desert, so there is no pier. And that pesky TMJ issue I have probably wouldn’t jive with my master plan, either. Freak. I can’t even make money at the world’s oldest profession. This doesn’t bode well for that whole “Career plan” that I’ve been thinking about. Crap).

Well, this post has been rather random and inappropriate.  What can I say? I like keeping you on your toes.

Tell them that you have tickets for the earliest matinée of Wall-E on opening day.

(I actually think I’m more excited than they are.)

**Edit**

I FREAKING LOVED IT.

Any robot that is enamored with Hello, Dolly! is totally awesome in my book. Go see it! (And, NO. There is no cool thing at the end, so don’t wait around for the neverending credits unless you just dig stuff like that.)

I am home.

Yay!

The mechanics got my car fixed yesterday by closing time and so I was able to get home in time to have dinner with my family and get everyone (including myself) tucked into bed.  Finally.

The best news of all is that the total bill came to $275 instead of $900.  It turns out that when they ripped the car apart, my timing belt was fine. So, they just replaced the O2 sensor and all is well.

It does suck because I think it cost me another day being stranded but in the end I would prefer this outcome. While I loved getting to spend time with people that are all kinds of awesome I really, really, REALLY missed being at home.  (To answer some of the questions and emails, Jon and I did discuss him coming to get me. It wasn’t THAT far away but due to the fact that this mechanic was the closest Volkswagen mechanic to our home,things with our other car, the number of trips it would take and how much gas would come to, we decided I should just stay put.)

Anyway, I have a million things to do. Jon did a good job keeping the house up while I was gone, but I am totally out of food in the house and then I have to review my lines and music because I have another show tonight.  I am totally grateful that I didn’t have any shows during this whole thing. That would have been horrible.

Oh, and I ordered my business cards for BlogHer. I placed the order for 100 from moo.com, but thought about it and decided that I should have more on hand just in case. I am debating ordering another 100 from moo or ordering some plain cardstock ones that are regular size. Dunno.

I’m also worried that I may have been a wee bit too cheeky on them.

Here is the front:

On the back?

Loralee C—–

http://loraleeslooneytunes.com

In a perfect world, this space would contain a

pithy tidbit written to lure more readers to my blog.

(Reality sucks a duck, yo.)

Now I just have to decide if I am brave enough to actually hand them out to people.  Maybe I’ll leave the wittiness off of the next set I order.