*It was pointed out to me that this title could be taken as me leaving the interwebs. Not the case and not deliberately done on my part. My apologies, dudes. ;P 

Sometimes I feel like my life is like this big set of stage curtains. It started out as this flaming red, beautiful and perfect thing. But as is the way of it, life has put all these rips, tears, frays and holes in that beautiful fabric. Some holes I’ve been able to patch up. Some patches are prettier and more well executed than others, and some are barely adhering with fabric glue. Some rips and tears haven’t been patched at all. Some probably never will be. For the most part, I’ve come to view all those seams and patches that make up the crazy quilt of my life as something that makes me more interesting and full of character. But that usually only comes after a bit of reflection on my part.

It’s been quiet around here.

When someone like me shuts the curtains and goes quiet, you are generally safe in assuming that it’s not anything awesome that is quelling my non-stop desire to chatter.

My life seems to follow a trend where things tend to happen all at once and often to big, dizzying degrees; both the good things and the bad things. I don’t want you to think that my life only has black rain clouds filling it…it doesn’t. I have had some huge, grand, beautiful and fabulous things happen to me; things I am so grateful and happy for.

But…

It’s been a bit rainy around here as of late and quite honestly, I haven’t wanted to talk about it because one, I didn’t want to sit here and just whine at you all. And two, I’m not even sure how I feel about a lot of it. And three,  many things beyond my control are in a purgatory state of waiting to see how they resolve. (Which pretty much sucks six ways from Sunday. Especially when the outlook is grim and there is nothing you can do about it.)

I had a lot of things hit me at once.

I rang in the New Year by losing my job (I really don’t want to get into that one except to say that everyone involved is still on good terms and we all wish each other the best, but I am taking much harder than I anticipated), getting one horrible case of pneumonia along with my wee little Butterlump, having to lay in bed 85% of the day because along with my pneumonia, I dislocated my sacroiliac joint (For those that are blissfully unaware of what injury to this joint feels like, I’ll tell you that it pretty much makes you want to rip your face off. I am used to back suck and pain. I am NO wuss. I have chronic back pain from herniations in my neck and back for about two decades, but this has totally laid me flat, people. It suuuucks. ). I also have to get a lawyer to settle some issues with my ex. This was totally not my choice, it was his. I guess in the end going the official legal route will be better over all, but I get so anxious worrying that this isn’t going to be pretty or end well with lawyers involved. I pride myself on being an excellent ex-wife. We have worked hard to be fabulous co-parents and have a good relationship. I want it to stay that way. I loathe everything about this situation. Everything. Even writing about it, so let’s move on, shall we? And as the cherry on the top of the sundae, my laptop was destroyed during the move.

And those are just some of the things that I can write about.

Even the blessing of my beautiful new house (And really, it IS beautiful. I love it so much) has been difficult in a few ways…we have a lot less monthly money to work with now and our housing costs are double what they were. That is stressful. I’m annoyed I didn’t have any time to just enjoy my house before all these huge worries and stresses hit us. And I feel pretty isolated since we’re fairly far out of town, we’re new and not active in church, which is a huge amount of the social structure in this state.

And I am struggling with how I feel about leaving the house where my little Matthew lived all the days of his short life.

I went from an incredible high of finally owning my beautiful, lovely, dream home, to a series of unfortunate events that came so hard and fast that it sent me into a bit of a tailspin.

It’s been hard, but I am so glad to at least be feeling better than I was a few weeks ago.

I have some freaking amazing friends who not only drove up to see me and bring me cupcakes, but also sent me my very favorite candy in the world in the mail. (Steph, Kim and Lauren, you are simply the best and I adore you..having friends who are there for you when the shit hits the fan is priceless and I’m thankful.) Many of you checked in on me and I want you to know I love you for it. Just asking how I am doing was so considerate and thoughtful of you and it was deeply appreciated.

Butterlump and I have recovered from our pneumonia, but man, my back is still horrible. I have spent SO much flipping time in my bed. I pretty much want to tear my hair out in frustration over it. I’ve left my house exactly THREE times since Christmas. Once, to go to the doctor for pneumonia and back suck, once to go to lunch with my boss and have my job fall apart and once to attend a meeting. Which was done standing up a lot of the time and on pain killers. (I can’t say I recommend doing that. Just so you know.) I am a bit of a homebody, but damn…this is getting to be too much for me.

Parenting the adorable whirling dervish that is known as Butterlump when you have debilitating back pain is not easy.  The constant bending and lifting that I have to do with him has made healing this back really difficult and constant physical pain tends to expand the little black rain cloud I have over my head.

I am in bed flat on my back as much as I can be.  Even though I have a tremendously beautiful view out my window, I am getting really tired of it. Although, I guess I can say that I have totally caught up on a lot of really awesome television…like watching the entire first season of Shameless, which is to the max graphic and vulgar and contains a cast of characters that are such a train wreck, and so well written and acted that for the life of me I CANNOT LOOK AWAY even when it makes me ill for the moral bankruptcy of some of them. I think part of me is drawn to it because it’s these kids with a HORRIFYING father (So well done by William Macey) have to scrape out and earn this ramshackle existence for themselves. I’ve always loved plot lines like that. It’s kind of like one of my all time favorite books, The Boxcar Children, only in the the ghetto and with a lot more swearing, sex and weed.

Then in my I AM SO ASHAMED TO ADMIT I WATCH THIS viewing category, we have Switched at Birth. I can’t help it. I’m totally taken with it. Will Emmett and Daphne ever get it on??! Is Angelo the creep I think he is going to be??! Will Mr. Kennish ever wear anything that isn’t a polo shirt????!!! THESE QUESTIONS HAUNT ME, PEOPLE! And I cop to having a total girl crush on Emmett, even though it usually makes me want to run screaming into a shower when I stop and think that, while legal, the kid is like, 19.  GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Hey, at least I am not a 30-something female that is crushing on a sparkly 17-year-old non-human-blood-sucking vampire, right? Give me an adorable deaf guy wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle any day, dudes.)

(Also, my husband just piped up that he totally cannot understand “how you can be so ashamed to watch a show geared towards teenagers when  you watch every single episode of “Real Housewives of 18 flipping cities”.) (I might have to concede that he has a bit of a point on this.) (Maybe.)

To make up for my more base television viewing habits, I am also obsessed with the very classy PBS Masterpiece Theater series, Downton Abby. OMG, people. This show is absolute perfection. It starts with the sinking of  The Titanic and follows the life of a wealthy and titled Edwardian British family and their servants. I was mourning the loss of Larkrise to Candleford. (Thank goodness for Mr. Bates. I loved him in Larkrise but have so much more of a crush on him in Downton.) If you have ANY fondness for period pieces and love all things British as I do, YOU MUST WATCH IT. Preferably with hot black tea and scones topped with a generous allotment of clotted cream and lemon curd.

And they may have showed my very favorite episode of Psych. Which would be the one that has Shawn stumbling into a bit part on a Mexican Soap Opera. It’s pretty much one of the best things ever. They even changed the title song into Spanish. Comedy gold, people.

Man. I guess you know what a crappy state you are in when the most positive things you have to say are about television, no?

I guess it’s reasonable enough to wallow for a bit. I lost my job. I got sick. I have back suck. I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. I feel a bit isolated and conflicted about the move we made. And I have watched way more television in the last 3-weeks than is good for a dozen people. And that like all stories that are on a blog, you know there is a whole lot more going on behind the curtain than in front of it.

It’s all upended me.

But it’s also time to pick myself up, brush myself off and start peeking my head out of the curtain, dammit.

I’m sick of feeling awful.

And I DO feel like I’m starting to get on the upswing of things. It’s been good to have time alone to think about things. To mourn the loss of some things and people and to ponder the future of others.

I’m not sure what is ahead of me.

Some of these changes are really big and deep and I admit…I still feel a little lost.  I have a hard time with big changes. But I also think that there will be something to fill all these tears and holes and spaces that have ripped through the fabric of my life lately.

And I just have to have faith it will be something awesome.

I have an identical twin sister.

If you didn’t know that I am a twin, don’t feel bad…I don’t write about her here often.

I have only written a very little bit about the difficulties that my twin sister and I have in our relationship.

We have been estranged for a long time.

And we have had a difficult relationship for even longer.

In fact, it has been difficult for as long as I can remember.

Many of these things are beyond her control…she has damage to her brain and it creates ill-health and social/mental issues that she simply can’t help.

But it hasn’t all been beyond her control. It’s like for our entire life she has been in an intense competition that I wasn’t even participating (or have any desire to be) in.

There were a lot of social repercussions that I faced by being her twin sister.

And that fallout was hard to take as a kid, whether she could help it or not.

I thought things would get better when we were adults but that did not happen.

I don’t want to get into detail but it was hard after the death of my son and well…the straw finally broke during his funeral. I am a very forgiving person. It is very difficult for me to hold a grudge. But I considered her behavior unforgivable. What happened that day made it easy for her to be a target for all that hate and anger and grief that happens when you lose a child.

I had EXTREMELY bitter feelings about her for a very long time.

But like all things, time started to heal me…even if it was a very slow and long process.

Last year on our birthday, I wrote about how torn I felt and wondered if I should call her.

I didn’t.

I wasn’t ready.

On November 7th of this year, we turned 37-years-old.

I offered an olive branch.

I called her.

And she came and had Christmas dinner at my new house.

We will never have a normal relationship. Even if we desired it…as I said before, she has some brain damage that happened at birth and her constant seizing has deteriorated her condition quite a bit…and no one sees it getting any better but rather, worse and worse as she gets older.

So, a ‘normal’ adult relationship is not in the cards for us.

But…I have hope that we can now make the best of whatever kind of relationship is possible for us to have.

At least we’ve made some steps forward.

Fingers crossed.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

We’ve been in our new house for 10-days.

And in that time I managed to pull off not only moving but getting decorated for Christmas, baking MASSIVE amounts of goodies and hosting both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day dinner for 30 people. Christmas Eve was wonderful and everyone had a great time in our new home. I love it more than I can even say. I’m never moving again…I will be carried feet first out of this house if I have anything to say about it.

My parents came over early this morning for Christmas. It was so much fun having them watch my kids open gifts. They are getting up there in years and so every moment is very important to all of us.

I pulled off the ‘best parent ever’ award by getting my car-obsessed pat of Butter THIS:

He loves cars.

LOVES THEM.

We got a video of him walking in. He’s adorable. (And those are the winningest little boy pajamas ever, I really must say.)

AND I also had a 12-year-old in tears.

He didn’t have the usual Christmas morning haul this year. It’s because he got the majority of his Christmas gift early, which was this little guy:

I’m really rather fond of him.

We don’t have a name for him yet. We have discussed “Dash” and “Reginald” but for now we all call him ‘DA TORDUS” , which is how Butterlump refers to him.

Christopher BEGGED us for a turtle for a long time.

I refused to have the whole ‘water’ aspect (as I know who will be doing much of the upkeep) so, we compromised and on Black Friday, we brought home a Russian Tortoise. He knew that he would be getting his gift early (long story) and so if he chose this gift it would mean there wouldn’t be a lot to open on Christmas morning.

It hasn’t worked out as expected.

The tortoise frustrates him because it sleeps and burrows a lot and as he put it, “I thought it would be so much cooler than it is.”

Hi, kid. Welcome to a thing called LIFE AND HOW IT IS.

Even though he did have some gifts to open and his gift was by far the most expensive gift in the family this year, as you can tell from the family photo, he was really unhappy and sad this morning.

As you can tell from the joyful expression in the holiday photo. (I’m sure it didn’t help that  tortoise peed ALL over him right before we took pictures.)

I know everyone has had sucky Christmases and that is just how life goes sometimes but I’ve never had a kid disappointed in their Christmas before.

It’s kind of a bummer.

Fortunately, I know my son and I know he is truly a sweet, generous and non-spoiled soul.

He’ll come around.

In the meantime, I am just going to enjoy my family today and, of course, remember our little Matthew and SO wish he was here with us watching The Muppet Christmas Carol (My very, very FAVORITE.  ) while we fix our holiday breakfast and prep for my family to invade later in the day for Christmas dinner.

I just want to enjoy the day.

I hope you all had a very happy holiday.

You are the bee’s knees, people.

Truly.

God bless us every one.

P.S. My good camera lens bit the dust in the move so I only have my crappy camera that is in my even crappier cell phone. (OH, HOW I HATE THEE, SAMSUNG VIBRANT.) (Seriously, DO NOT BUY IT. I have been nothing but frustrated with its lack of performance from the get go. Grrrr!) That said, if you don’t mind a chick holding a cell phone camcorder, shaky and skewampus angles as she runs you through house that is still in the process of being moved into, you can take a look at this quick video tour of meh crib.  Hopefully, better photos will follow when things are more prettied up. :)