Ever since I moved my computer near the window, Wilbur has taken to lounging on top of my computer case. I would like to think that it is because it is between my chair and the window and it makes her feel warm and snug and loved by her owner.In reality, it is probably that she just digs the vibrations it makes because she is a total whore.
(Seriously? SERIOUSLY.)

Just a guess, though.

:)

My cat, Wilbur, has given me some interesting times. Like here, and here, oh…and HERE.

Ever since we got new flooring and have been throwing away loads of stuff, Wilbur has decided that her new bed is on a folded throw on top of my high dresser. She just wandered up there when I was doing laundry and plopped down on the blankie I had folded and waiting to be put away. I guess she likes the smell of laundry detergent as much as I do.Wilbur hasn’t really had a designated sleeping spot before. Jon has zero tolerance for Wilbur anywhere near our bed and she never gets on it. The only exception was when Jonathan and I were separated and she slept on my bed every night. Given her wariness about the bed, it was amazing that she would sleep there, even with him gone.

Jonathan doesn’t have enough love for animal-kind and Wilbur is no exception. He doesn’t like her, but tolerates her on my behalf. I admit, Wilbur is no picnic to own. She has the weirdest eating habits known to mankind. She refuses to eat and drink properly. She will howl and meow like she is dying of starvation, but her water and food dishes are full! She won’t eat until I WALK OVER AND KICK HER FOOD DISH SO THE KIBBLE RATTLES. Even then she won’t eat if I am still standing there. She just sits and glares at me like, “DUDE. Why are you staring at me you interloper? Give a cat some privacy for Pete’s sake!”.

We won’t even MENTION her fondness for having loud, freaky, group animal sex right outside my window or the fact that every inch of carpet I own (And most of my furniture) has been raped by her multiple times. This would be why her “Hester Prynn” collar was a PERFECT choice.

Still, I love the bizarre, little fur-ball.

I liked having her curled up with me every night, so I enjoy that she is sleeping somewhere in our room except for one little thing: She has developed a hideous habit of waking me up at 5 am every freaking morning. It started when I forgot to let her out and she was dying of need to pee. With my new carpets, I leapt out of bed and let her out. Wilbur must have enjoyed this little interaction because she keeps doing it.

Every.Single.Morning.

I figured out that while some of her whining is legit, a lot of times it is her wanting me to kick her food dish or just give her attention (Though NO cuddling. No, She just lets me stare at her, the wench!).

I’ve had it.

Today at the butt-crack of dawn, the familiar whining occurred again, but this time I was ready! I had a secret weapon.

SUPER NANNY!

Yes, I watch “Super Nanny”. I took tips from Jo Frost and applied it to my cat. Surely, if SuperNanny can cure monstrous behavior in kids, her methods could be used on a psycho, ho of a cat, right? If a kid is tantruming and screaming on a regular basis, it is because they are using these tactics to garner attention from the parent. The worst thing you can do is give in to it because it makes it worse. I should have realized this because of the time I gave Wilbur some of my turkey meat at lunch and now EVERY time she hears me open the fridge and take it out she comes over and tries to whore some out of me.

So, I took drastic action this morning. She had been let out and I knew she was fine. She had food, water and there was plenty of carpet and furniture to rape, so all her needs were met. I refused to engage her.

Basically, I ignored her.

Eventually she shut up, but it took a while and I am pretty tired today. I’m just grateful Jon didn’t throw a shoe at her, although by the end I am not so sure I would have minded. Just don’t tell Jo Frost that. She wouldn’t approve.