Quantcast

Ring, Ring…

December 7, 2007 By 17 Comments

LORALEE:
Hey, Sweetpea. Hope you’re having a good day. I’m calling to tell you that I got the kid’s lunches paid for through January.

JON:
That’s good. I hate making lunches every day.

LORALEE:
Me, too. Well…I’ll letcha go. OH! Before I forget, next Saturday I’ve been invited to a cookie exchange by Mary Ellen. There will be 10 of us at the party, so I have to make 10 dozen of my coconut shortbread thumbprint cookies. We take a dozen from each person. That way we only have to make one recipe, but we’ll end up with 10 dozen different Christmas goodies! So it’s all good. You don’t have to worry about the holiday baking.

JON:
WHEW! Is THAT ever a load off my mind! Because you know how much I stress over holiday baking!

LORALEE:
You should. It’s all part of my master plan to slowly kill you by hardening your arteries.

JON:
So you can inherit all my worldly goods?

LORALEE:
Yup. I totally married you for the money. You’re just realizing I’m a gold digger?

JON:
Honey? I don’t mean to hurt your feelings, but you are a pretty shitty gold digger.

LORALEE:
Hey, I never said I was good at it, but a girl has to have goals, ya know?

Filed Under: The things my husband says 17 Comments

What in our previous experiences makes you think I’m capable of doing that?

October 31, 2007 By 7 Comments

I enjoy “Experimenting” as much as the next person. I mean, I don’t get crazy and involve things like yaks, ninjas, midgets or have a desire to get jiggy with other couples in the neighborhood, but I do like to be creative in the sack.

However, since I am not Gumby and have several herniated disks and the flexibility, there are times that my husband suggests something that just leaves me dumbfounded. Maybe it is my lack of mechanical reasoning or something but I swear there are some positions that I just cannot believe can be successfully executed by humans. Invertebrates, maybe, but certainly not an almost 33-year-old who can’t even manage to sit Indian Style comfortably.

Tonight is a pretty good example.

“There is no WAY. I would get freaking carpet burn on my shoulders. Either that or you’d drop me on my head. Who can actually DO this, anyway?”

“I wouldn’t drop you on your head. I can lift you with my pinkie fingers. AND…Lots of people like The Piledriver.”

“Obviously, those people are members of Cirque di Soleil. 98% of them can probably style their hair with their feet. While playing the piano and finger painting at the same time. However, if you can manage to get me a body and salary like any one of them we can renegotiate.”

“So…I take it The Conquress of the Cow is out, too?”

Filed Under: Snippets, The things my husband says 7 Comments

“Well”, this sucks…

October 23, 2007 By 20 Comments

There are three old houses on my street. We are the only houses in my town that are not hooked up to the city’s water supply. Instead, we use well water.

It has  pluses and minuses.

For example? One plus would be that I don’t pay for my water. When you have a tiny little house and a big ass complilation of different crab grasses and weeds that masquerade as a lawn you have to water in a desert inviornment, this can be a big help to the budget. It also tastes yummy. You just can’t beat good well water for taste. (And, yes. Ours is safe to drink.)

Then there are are down sides.

There is a lot of mineral build up that I have to deal with. Lime Away and CLR are some of my best friends. Our water pressure also kind of sucks. Especially at “Peak” usage time. The problem was helped a lot when we renovated our bathroom and got new pipes for the shower. Our old ones were clogged so much with Calcium that they were only functioning at 25% capacity.

There is another down side.

Like, when the water pump breaks.

It means that you have NO water.

It also means that there is no city repairman to come rescue you.

Even if you have a 2 month old that you are caring for. Even if you have two kids that “REALLY” need to use the bathroom. Even if you freaking start your period while you’re trying to quiet a colicky baby who projectile barfs in your hair, help with homework, communicate “Pictionary-style” for the fourth time to your neighbors that don’t speak English that the water is off because of a problem with the well, not because of something the you did. Even if you are continuously calling your unavailable husband while simultaneously trying to Vulcan Mind Meld a telepathic message to him that HE HAS TO PICK THE FREAKING PHONE UP!

Even if you have all these things going on, if you have a well, you’re pretty much on your own.

I’m hoping that we can sort this out by tonight. Luckily, I have a handy father-in-law and a very capeable husband.

If Jonathan manages to fix this problem? I may consider forgiving him for telling me to “Gird up my loins like the pioneers and just pretend I’m out on the trail!” after he heard my tale of woe.

Doubtful, but stranger things have happened.

Filed Under: Bitching, Jonathan, Suck, The things my husband says 20 Comments