“My friend, Jon Deal. He’s trying to cheer me up because there is no damn Diet Coke on tap anywhere in the state of Washington. Oh, and because I lost 41 subscribers after posting those photos of me making out with half of BlogHer. I’m trying to get him to come next year, he’d have fun.”

“The male to female ratio at that thing must be staggering. I think I’ll start a blog and form a pack of males to go pick up on chicks.”

“You’re going to start a blog and go to BlogHer to go hit on women? You do realize that the majority of them are Mommybloggers, right?”

“Of course. It’s the best demographic. Mommybloggers have a proven track record that they put out.”

“Man, Nick has a lot more connections than I do.”

“Yeah, but he’s also a lot older than you are.”

“Not really…We’re pretty close in age.”

“Seriously? He looks older than you.”

“Yeah, he does look older than he is.”

“Don’t you find it odd that he runs around with inappropriate-looking 21-year-olds dangling on his arm all the time?”

“You mean that there’s something wrong with that? I’m all for inappropriate-looking 21-year-olds!”

“So, does this mean it is a good time to tell you about my collegiate lover Alberto who is here studying in a foreign exchange program?”

“I guess it’s as good a time as any. Did I mention the harem I picked up last week?”

“Hey, I’m ALL down with Harems as long as they know how to clean bathrooms, put away laundry and mop my floor. Oh, and they can’t have better boobs than me.”

“I never knew I was married to such a petty person.”

“Yeah. Life’s a bitch, isn’t it?”

“Yes?”

“It’s really snowing hard outside. It’s really cold outside. The roads are really horrible outside. AND, the heater must be off because it’s really freezing in here.”

“And? Your point?”

“I think you should stay home with me today. You know, not only because you and I haven’t seen each other for two weeks but ya know…It’s coooooold and snoooooowing and the roads are reeeeeeeaaaaallllly horrible.”

“I drive a Jeep, baby. It’s pretty much peeing itself with excitement over the chance to tackle these roads.”

“Well..It’s still REEEEEAAAAALLLY cold outside.”

“I’m fat. Fat people love the snow. I have an insulate lining of blubber to shield me from the elements.”

“So, are you telling me that you are like a Penguin? Are you going to have to march two months to get to the ocean to eat after hatching a baby-penguin from its shell?”

“Nah. I’m more like a big, fatty walrus.”

“Ug! Why? With those hideous, big teeth?”

“All the better to eat you with.”

“I’m going to pretend that you didn’t say that. Are you sure that you can’t be a cute, fuzzy, baby seal?”

“Um…NO. Pretty much never. I would consider being a killer whale, though and club a few for fun.”

“I’m totally going to report you to PETA for that. You’d be the first killer whale in history to be picked by an animal rights organization.”

“And like most of their other endeavors, that would be really useful.”

“You are just a tiny, fuzzy, animal hater. HEY! Where are you going?”

“To shower. I have to go to work.”

“So while you and your insulating fatty layer hunt and gather you are going to leave your poor walrus mate shivering and defenseless in the harsh, hideous cold?”

“Nature’s cruel, baby. Nature’s cruel.”

“Fine. Drive safe to the office,Fatty.”

“Thanks. I’ll try to remember to pick up some baby seal jerky on the way home.”