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This is not your mother’s back-to-school post.

August 13, 2008 By 61 Comments

Back-to-school.

You wouldn’t think that three little words would get a greater negative response from me than the time the doctor in the ER told my awkward 16-year-old self in front of my high school boyfriend that I had to have my “Sphincter reflex” tested after I was thrown from a horse, now would you?

You would be wrong.

I would rather be back in that ER with people probing my mortified and battered heiny for all the world to see than experience the hell that is “back-to-school”.

Granted, this year has been much more difficult than previous Augusts in my children’s education process. There are many reasons for this, but today I am only going to write about one of them. It’s something that I have been hesitant to write about here because, well…the more people that read this blog, the more protective I am of my children.

I can write about my hoo-hoo and mental state and subject it to the whim of the beast that is the internet all day long.

My kids are another story. I’m much more protective and selective when it comes to them.

However, this is a key moment in our lives and while this blog is often very (ehem) silly, I hope that sometimes my writing and experiences help someone out there feel a little less alone if they are going through the same things I am. For example, I know that a lot of you must have taken a lot of comfort knowing that you are not alone in your opinion of morning sex. (For the record? “It burns us.”)

Our oldest son starts middle school next week at a brand new school. A school that doesn’t have a strict dress code. A school is almost as large as my high school was and is certainly larger than the 40 kids that made up his entire GRADE at the charter school.
DSC02760I thought that my kids would stay at their charter school all the way up through high school. It isn’t working for James. He has always struggled in the structured setting and with the advanced curriculum. It’s not that he isn’t smart, he is. It’s just that he struggles with academia in general.

He needs bigger programs. Programs that fit his personality. Theater, art, debate. That is where he will excel. Besides, I realized how lonely it’s been for him at that school. He has very few friends.
I want him to have a lot of people to find friendships with and when you are a very unusual kid, that is tough when the pickings are so slim. His personality is very like mine, damn all the Gods above.
DSC02762So? We are allowing him to transfer to the local middle school.

He will be starting 6th grade.

For the second year in a row.

Do you know the mounds and mounds of paper work and number of meetings and hoops you have to jump through that comes with transferring your kid into middle school and holding him back a grade to boot?

A whole freaking buttload would be the somewhat ungracious answer to that little question.

I know that holding a kid back is a big deal and not something to be taken lightly. I skipped the third grade. (This is NOT the grade to skip. Just in case you were wondering.) Yes, I was reading at a phenomenally high level in the 2nd grade, but I had average math skills. Going into the 4th grade not knowing how to read the alphabet on the wall or knowing all your times tables created big issues for me that continued for years.

In college, when I was really struggling in Music Theory, I went through about 8 hours of testing. When I went back for the results and gave my name the young secretary said, “Oooooooh…Um…We’re going to have to pull in some more people for this meeting…Um….Can you wait in the conference room?”

I sat there, chewing nervously on my fingernails, thinking “OH, MY GOD. They are going to tell me that I have been mentally retarded my whole life and they are JUST FIGURING IT OUT!”

Turns out that I am not retarded. Although, the official statement wasn’t much more encouraging. Apparently, I am either “off the charts brilliant or dumb as a post”, but not to worry because the areas that I struggled in were probably due to “the gaping holes” in my education.

EXACT words, people.

So, to say that I am wary of moving kids a grade would be an understatement. I struggled a lot academically in areas like math and grammar from then on. (Like you couldn’t tell this from reading this blog, right?)

We won’t even get into the social stigma I went through, like getting mercilessly mocked for the rest of the year by Geoff in row 4 for not understanding the advanced 4th grade slam lingo of, “You cut the cheese, didncha?!”

James was born FOUR DAYS from the cut off to start school. I decided, despite apprehension, to start him in school. He didn’t go to preschool because we were too poor and I was worried about his social ability. I have always regretted starting him when I did. What did I know? I was barely 26 years years old and it was my first kid. I knew halfway through Kindergarten I had made a big mistake, but everyone involved was very reluctant to let me hold him back and repeat Kindergarten. Every year I have discussed and voiced my opinion and every year I was vetoed. And every year I regretted it.
DSC02761James has wanted to change schools for a long time and now that we have moved into a different district, and after a lot of thinking, we decided he could.

BUT.

He had to repeat the 6th grade. I know he is smart, that has never been a question, but socially and responsibility wise he struggles and it hurts his grades. He fails (FAILS! In elementary school!) something every term. If we concentrate extra hard on math, his science slips. When science is in hand, it’s his history that is sucking a duck, etc., etc., etc. For once I want him to know academic success instead of always coming up short. To feel confident about his classwork and to get a chance to find other kids that suit his temperament.
DSC02828The school structure had a lot to do with the decision to hold him back as well. They attend from 6th grade until 8th grade. When you are a little 6th grader, they really mother-hen you. You are guided closely, watched over and are housed in your own 6th grade wing. Once you are in the 7th grade? They figure you know what you’re doing and you’re pretty much thrown to the wolves.

There was no way I was going to throw my fairly sheltered kid into the middle of a huge middle school when most kids there had a full year to make friends, cliques and judgments.

So? I agreed to let him try this school out as long as he did it as a 6th grader.

He readily agreed. (As did all administration involved.)
DSC02765I hope I am doing the right thing. Deleting my Google reader was a tiny little pinprick in regards to this sphincter check of a decision.

I am scared as hell that I am making the wrong choice for my child.

And yet, I feel instinctively that I am doing the right thing.

I guess time will tell.

Now I just have to wade through the mountains of back-to-school shopping I have yet to finish.

Dammit.

Filed Under: James, School, Serious Things 61 Comments

Why does parenting have to break your heart so much?

March 19, 2008 By 45 Comments

James, I am so glad that you talked to me tonight, but so sad that you are hurting. I want you to look at me and really listen to what I am saying and trust me, ok?

Ok.

You just told me that you think that I don’t understand how you’re feeling because I have ‘Lots and lots of friends’, right? I want you to know that I absolutely understand how you are feeling. You are heartbroken because after struggling so hard with not having any friends at school, the one and only friend you finally made ditched you for someone he thought was better, right?

Right.

Honey, I do have friends now. Lots and lots of friends that I cannot even say how grateful I am to have in my life.

Do you know a big reason WHY I am so grateful for my friends?

I am grateful because I didn’t have many friends at all when I was growing up. I could count them on one or two fingers most of the time. People not only made fun of me every single day of my life. It was so painful and hurt me so much that sometimes I can still feel exactly what it felt like all these years later. It hurt me for a lot longer than it should and made me think less of myself because I thought something must be wrong with me because I didn’t have friends.

I know that you don’t understand why kid A, B, C & D are so mean to you. I know you don’t understand why no one will stick up for you when people are teasing you, even though you stand up for them when they are being teased.Do you want to know something?

Most of them don’t understand why they do it, either.

You know better than anyone how mean kids can be to other kids just in order to fit in, not stick out, to be accepted. To stand up and face a crowd that is picking on someone takes an awful lot of courage. It’s one reason I am SO proud of you. But…a lot of kids just don’t have that at this stage in their lives.

I AM sure that at least ONE person has wanted to stick up for you in their heart and hated what was happening, but they were too afraid of everyone turning on them if they stood up and said ‘Stop’.

At some point in their lives, they will grow up, be stronger, be less afraid to stand alone. They will also regret the way that they treated you. They WILL. They will wish that day in the cafeteria had gone differently.

You and I are so much alike. I so wish you didn’t have to go through this, but if I could undo anything about my past it would be to change how hard I was on myself. I would want to see me like people who loved and cared about me see me.

How I see YOU.

You are a wonderful, wonderful person. You have such a fun personality, so much energy and kindness. You DO know how to be a friend, you are just in a tough place. This age is so hard on most people, son. Everyone else needs to catch up to YOU. You will see. For some it happens in High School, but it didn’t happen for me until college.

Suddenly, people got to college and everyone was on a level playing field. People were less worried about what the kid sitting next to them would think of their friends and more about how much they actually liked being around the person in question.

And guess what? I was a person people wanted to be around. I looked around a room full of fellow Choir-geeks and realized that every single person in that room LIKED ME.

They liked me because I was funny, smart, talented and kind.

JUST LIKE YOU ARE.

It was a wonderful, wonderful moment, James and I know you will have something similar if not better.

I can see it, son. I can see what you can be. I absolutely know without a shadow of a doubt that your life will be blessed with friends that love and care about you just the way you are.

You have to trust me that I KNOW IT.

You are an excellent brother and I couldn’t ask for a better son.

Now it’s time to try and get some sleep.

Hopefully, things will be better tomorrow.

I love you with all my heart.

Goodnight.

Filed Under: Every Day, Frustration, Kids, School, Serious Things 45 Comments

Insert some witty title here that uses the following words:Drool, Fabric softener, Hives, Parent teacher confrences, Sucky book fairs and Indian food.

October 3, 2007 By 12 Comments

I sat down on my bed to fold a batch of laundry and fell asleep for an hour-and-a-half. I woke up with bad dreams, drooling, and inhaling a rogue fabric softener sheet that somehow made its way from my laundry pile to my face.I hate falling asleep and waking up at this time of day…It’s depressing. It gave me a head ache and now I am cranky as hell.

So, in order to fight the bitchy, I’m going to sit here, type for a minute.  It probably isn’t going to be witty, (Or pretty. Or gay.) just an update about my kids and their schooling.  I will keep my fingers and finger-like toes crossed in hope that the two Aleve I took will start to work on the dull pounding going on in my neck, shoulders and brain.

I attended parent teacher conferences for both of my boys yesterday and I walked away feeling really good about it. Christopher is doing really well. He tends to wander off in his head from time to time, and needs to improve on spelling. I was doing part of his homework incorrectly with him, but apparently many of the parents were doing the same thing so now we have clarification and it will be fine.

I have loved volunteering in his classroom. Because I worked so hard and served so long as PTO President, the burnout was so bad that I could barely go into the school the last two years. Not even to help in the classroom. Frankly, the thought even walking through the doors made my eyes roll to the back of my head and break out in hives. I’m glad that the aversion has worn off. For one, I was beginning to fear I was turning into the chick from “The Exorcist” and that I was steps away from my head turning full circle and levitating in the evenings. For two, I’m having a good time helping out again and knowing the intimate details of my kids classroom.

I had my first middle school parent teacher conference about James. He has two low grades. However, it is because he there were one or two tests/assignments that he totally bombed and it just took a huge chunk out of his grade. His overall work ethic and grades have been consistent and good.

Is it terrible that I am not getting my knickers in a twist over a letter grade and am focusing on his improvement in life skills? I have been so worried about them. Every teacher every year says the same thing: He is very smart and they think that he has a very fun personality, his big problem is organization.

Yes, I know. It’s always been MY problem as well. So, how does someone who is chaotic help their child, who is also chaotic?The best way I can. It’s been a slow process because a lot of what I’m trying to help him with goes against my nature as well, but I’m trying. And he’s making progress.

We have what I am responsible for at home under control. His homework grades are excellent in every class. It is what goes on with his time management and keeping track of classwork that is holding him back. So, I am trying to talk to him and work on his organization at home and talking frequently to his teachers to see if it improves.

I dealt with the issue of James getting picked on. Every teacher is aware of it and I will be checking up with them to see if we need to take it to the next level of involvement. I am really hoping that we won’t have to, that they will just get board and stop soon. Cross your fingers.

Our school also holds Book Fair during conferences. I hated it this year. It was all from one publisher, so the selection was very “Eh”. I am a big believer in “You have to buy BOOKS at the book fair, not the random crap they also sell!”, but I didn’t recognize one book title from this publisher. Plus, it seemed to be geared for very young kids. It was frustrating. I should have just taken them to the book store. At least now I know to avoid the second one if I see it’s the same set up.

I’m going to get ready to eat Indian food with my girlfriends and watch the finale of “Top Chef”. I’m kinda voting for Dale or Casey (It would be nice to have a woman win.), although I will admit, Hung is very talented.

Thanks for being here for me during my cranky moment. Typing has helped diffuse the “AAARRRRRG”.

Filed Under: Bits of Information, Kids, School 12 Comments