Back-to-school.

You wouldn’t think that three little words would get a greater negative response from me than the time the doctor in the ER told my awkward 16-year-old self in front of my high school boyfriend that I had to have my “Sphincter reflex” tested after I was thrown from a horse, now would you?

You would be wrong.

I would rather be back in that ER with people probing my mortified and battered heiny for all the world to see than experience the hell that is “back-to-school”.

Granted, this year has been much more difficult than previous Augusts in my children’s education process. There are many reasons for this, but today I am only going to write about one of them. It’s something that I have been hesitant to write about here because, well…the more people that read this blog, the more protective I am of my children.

I can write about my hoo-hoo and mental state and subject it to the whim of the beast that is the internet all day long.

My kids are another story. I’m much more protective and selective when it comes to them.

However, this is a key moment in our lives and while this blog is often very (ehem) silly, I hope that sometimes my writing and experiences help someone out there feel a little less alone if they are going through the same things I am. For example, I know that a lot of you must have taken a lot of comfort knowing that you are not alone in your opinion of morning sex. (For the record? “It burns us.”)

Our oldest son starts middle school next week at a brand new school. A school that doesn’t have a strict dress code. A school is almost as large as my high school was and is certainly larger than the 40 kids that made up his entire GRADE at the charter school.
I thought that my kids would stay at their charter school all the way up through high school. It isn’t working for James. He has always struggled in the structured setting and with the advanced curriculum. It’s not that he isn’t smart, he is. It’s just that he struggles with academia in general.

He needs bigger programs. Programs that fit his personality. Theater, art, debate. That is where he will excel. Besides, I realized how lonely it’s been for him at that school. He has very few friends.
I want him to have a lot of people to find friendships with and when you are a very unusual kid, that is tough when the pickings are so slim. His personality is very like mine, damn all the Gods above.
So? We are allowing him to transfer to the local middle school.

He will be starting 6th grade.

For the second year in a row.

Do you know the mounds and mounds of paper work and number of meetings and hoops you have to jump through that comes with transferring your kid into middle school and holding him back a grade to boot?

A whole freaking buttload would be the somewhat ungracious answer to that little question.

I know that holding a kid back is a big deal and not something to be taken lightly. I skipped the third grade. (This is NOT the grade to skip. Just in case you were wondering.) Yes, I was reading at a phenomenally high level in the 2nd grade, but I had average math skills. Going into the 4th grade not knowing how to read the alphabet on the wall or knowing all your times tables created big issues for me that continued for years.

In college, when I was really struggling in Music Theory, I went through about 8 hours of testing. When I went back for the results and gave my name the young secretary said, “Oooooooh…Um…We’re going to have to pull in some more people for this meeting…Um….Can you wait in the conference room?”

I sat there, chewing nervously on my fingernails, thinking “OH, MY GOD. They are going to tell me that I have been mentally retarded my whole life and they are JUST FIGURING IT OUT!”

Turns out that I am not retarded. Although, the official statement wasn’t much more encouraging. Apparently, I am either “off the charts brilliant or dumb as a post”, but not to worry because the areas that I struggled in were probably due to “the gaping holes” in my education.

EXACT words, people.

So, to say that I am wary of moving kids a grade would be an understatement. I struggled a lot academically in areas like math and grammar from then on. (Like you couldn’t tell this from reading this blog, right?)

We won’t even get into the social stigma I went through, like getting mercilessly mocked for the rest of the year by Geoff in row 4 for not understanding the advanced 4th grade slam lingo of, “You cut the cheese, didncha?!”

James was born FOUR DAYS from the cut off to start school. I decided, despite apprehension, to start him in school. He didn’t go to preschool because we were too poor and I was worried about his social ability. I have always regretted starting him when I did. What did I know? I was barely 26 years years old and it was my first kid. I knew halfway through Kindergarten I had made a big mistake, but everyone involved was very reluctant to let me hold him back and repeat Kindergarten. Every year I have discussed and voiced my opinion and every year I was vetoed. And every year I regretted it.
James has wanted to change schools for a long time and now that we have moved into a different district, and after a lot of thinking, we decided he could.

BUT.

He had to repeat the 6th grade. I know he is smart, that has never been a question, but socially and responsibility wise he struggles and it hurts his grades. He fails (FAILS! In elementary school!) something every term. If we concentrate extra hard on math, his science slips. When science is in hand, it’s his history that is sucking a duck, etc., etc., etc. For once I want him to know academic success instead of always coming up short. To feel confident about his classwork and to get a chance to find other kids that suit his temperament.
The school structure had a lot to do with the decision to hold him back as well. They attend from 6th grade until 8th grade. When you are a little 6th grader, they really mother-hen you. You are guided closely, watched over and are housed in your own 6th grade wing. Once you are in the 7th grade? They figure you know what you’re doing and you’re pretty much thrown to the wolves.

There was no way I was going to throw my fairly sheltered kid into the middle of a huge middle school when most kids there had a full year to make friends, cliques and judgments.

So? I agreed to let him try this school out as long as he did it as a 6th grader.

He readily agreed. (As did all administration involved.)
I hope I am doing the right thing. Deleting my Google reader was a tiny little pinprick in regards to this sphincter check of a decision.

I am scared as hell that I am making the wrong choice for my child.

And yet, I feel instinctively that I am doing the right thing.

I guess time will tell.

Now I just have to wade through the mountains of back-to-school shopping I have yet to finish.

Dammit.

James, I am so glad that you talked to me tonight, but so sad that you are hurting. I want you to look at me and really listen to what I am saying and trust me, ok?

Ok.

You just told me that you think that I don’t understand how you’re feeling because I have ‘Lots and lots of friends’, right? I want you to know that I absolutely understand how you are feeling. You are heartbroken because after struggling so hard with not having any friends at school, the one and only friend you finally made ditched you for someone he thought was better, right?

Right.

Honey, I do have friends now. Lots and lots of friends that I cannot even say how grateful I am to have in my life.

Do you know a big reason WHY I am so grateful for my friends?

I am grateful because I didn’t have many friends at all when I was growing up. I could count them on one or two fingers most of the time. People not only made fun of me every single day of my life. It was so painful and hurt me so much that sometimes I can still feel exactly what it felt like all these years later. It hurt me for a lot longer than it should and made me think less of myself because I thought something must be wrong with me because I didn’t have friends.

I know that you don’t understand why kid A, B, C & D are so mean to you. I know you don’t understand why no one will stick up for you when people are teasing you, even though you stand up for them when they are being teased.Do you want to know something?

Most of them don’t understand why they do it, either.

You know better than anyone how mean kids can be to other kids just in order to fit in, not stick out, to be accepted. To stand up and face a crowd that is picking on someone takes an awful lot of courage. It’s one reason I am SO proud of you. But…a lot of kids just don’t have that at this stage in their lives.

I AM sure that at least ONE person has wanted to stick up for you in their heart and hated what was happening, but they were too afraid of everyone turning on them if they stood up and said ‘Stop’.

At some point in their lives, they will grow up, be stronger, be less afraid to stand alone. They will also regret the way that they treated you. They WILL. They will wish that day in the cafeteria had gone differently.

You and I are so much alike. I so wish you didn’t have to go through this, but if I could undo anything about my past it would be to change how hard I was on myself. I would want to see me like people who loved and cared about me see me.

How I see YOU.

You are a wonderful, wonderful person. You have such a fun personality, so much energy and kindness. You DO know how to be a friend, you are just in a tough place. This age is so hard on most people, son. Everyone else needs to catch up to YOU. You will see. For some it happens in High School, but it didn’t happen for me until college.

Suddenly, people got to college and everyone was on a level playing field. People were less worried about what the kid sitting next to them would think of their friends and more about how much they actually liked being around the person in question.

And guess what? I was a person people wanted to be around. I looked around a room full of fellow Choir-geeks and realized that every single person in that room LIKED ME.

They liked me because I was funny, smart, talented and kind.

JUST LIKE YOU ARE.

It was a wonderful, wonderful moment, James and I know you will have something similar if not better.

I can see it, son. I can see what you can be. I absolutely know without a shadow of a doubt that your life will be blessed with friends that love and care about you just the way you are.

You have to trust me that I KNOW IT.

You are an excellent brother and I couldn’t ask for a better son.

Now it’s time to try and get some sleep.

Hopefully, things will be better tomorrow.

I love you with all my heart.

Goodnight.

I need to talk today, people. I need to talk to keep myself from marching over to the school and unleashing my inner “Mamma Bear” behemoth wrath on a prepubescent snot who is bullying my son.

The situation with James is not getting better. Oh, it is improved in the classroom because the teachers are doing their best to keep an eye out, but in lunch, and gym and the halls, the shoving and taunting James is receiving is escalating. So, I am taking it up a level and I involved school administration today. We’ll see how it goes.

I don’t want to go into the details of James situation because I want to respect as much of his privacy as possible. However, bullying, teasing and ruthlessness in kids is something I feel very strongly about. I thought I would discuss bullying from my point-of-view. Get some of the rage out of my system if you will.

Did you know that there are four main “Types” of bullies? I didn’t.

Physical Bullies
Physical bullies are action oriented. This type of behavior includes hitting, kicking, taking, and damaging either the victim or the victim’s personal property. As the bullies get older their attacks usually become more aggressive and violent.

Verbal Bullies
Verbal bullies use words. This can include name-calling,insulting, constant teasing, and making racist or unwanted, nasty comments. This type of bullying is the easiest to inflict on other people and can be the most hurtful because there are no visible scars.

Relational Bullies
These bullies try to convince other people to exclude or reject a certain person or group and cut the victims off from their social group. This type of bullying occurs when kids (most often girls) exclude people from their social groups. The effect of this bullying is the most harsh due to the rejection of a person or group.

Reactive Victims
Reactive victims can be both a bully and/or a victim. They are seen as targets for other bullies. They often taunt bullies, though, and can be bullies themselves. Most of their encounters are physical, they are impulsive, and react quickly to intentional or unintentional encounters. In most cases, reactive victims start as victims and become bullies as they try to retaliate. They also like to provoke other bullies into action.

The only one of these that I never experienced long term (Or at all) is the Reactive Victim. I never bullied anyone. I did pick on my twin sister quite a bit, so I have nothing to get on a high horse about. The rest of them I am very familiar with.

My first experience with being picked on was in preschool/daycare. Can you believe that? PRESCHOOL. I remember it like it was yesterday. Her name was Robyn and she had red hair. She was the daughter of one of the owners of the school so she never, ever got in any trouble for anything that she did to me. I have to think that her mom didn’t really understand the level of what I was going through. Bullies are very clever to do their business out of the eye of adults.

She made me give her my daily snack, she threw cars and legos at my head, pulled my hair, peed on my naptime blanket and the worst of all? She told all the other kids that if they were friends with me they wouldn’t be her friend any more. Because her mom was a teacher she had access to the candy closet and doled out snacks and treats liberally to her friends. One day she gave Kylie C. an extra piece of bubble gum because she stole the red crayon away from me and gave it to her.

Her plan worked. I had no friends. I don’t blame the other kids. She was quite a dynamic creature and hey? It was free candy! At 4 years old, there wasn’t even a contest.

Between Robyn and a teacher who was fond of ripping through my hair with a fine-tooth comb after nap time, I hated going to day care. So much, that I often hid my mom’s keys so that she wouldn’t have a way to get me there. My most joyful memories of Young World were the times that I escaped from there. Once, my older brother Rhett came in to pick me up right after nap time. I was so happy to see him because I knew that meant that “Miss S” wouldn’t make fun of me in front of everyone because I didn’t know which shoe went on which foot and she wouldn’t comb my hair! Plus, I didn’t have to have class with Robyn any more that day! YAY!

Keep in mind all of this was IN PRESCHOOL.

It boggles my mind.

Elementary school was a really lonely time. It didn’t help that I skipped third grade and ended up in a grade where I didn’t know anyone. I got my share of teasing, but I did have a couple of really good friends, though, so it was ok. Lonely sometimes, but ok.

It all got pretty bad around the 6th grade. My best friend, Susie moved away the year before and I was really alone. I also think that part of it was that I had a sister who had a lot of issues. We know now that she has a lot of problems with her brain that caused some very erratic and very embarrassing behavior in elementary school. I was also roughly the size I am now when I was 12. Not a good combination for popularity, huh? Every single day of my school career was a misery to me. Even later on, when I managed to find a couple of good friends and found a niche of my own in choir and drama in high school, it still sucked pretty hard.

I realize that everyone has periods of that growing up, but mine was ongoing. Most days I was mocked, laughed at, put down or criticized constantly about my clothes, my hair, my weight, my sister, my shoe size, you name it. I was even told that my Trapper Keeper was “The icky kind”.

Once, in the sixth grade, I invited a girl to have a slumber party at my house. Her name was Tiffany G. and I had been in school with her sister Radonna before I skipped. She was pretty, popular and nice. I mean, she was really nice. Know why? Because she actually came to my sleepover. Apparently, she turned down an invitation to a “Popular” boy/girl party to come. I found out because our doorbell rang at 9:45 pm and a whole gaggle of preppy, polo-shirted snobs came pouring into my parent’s entryway, led by the head “It”girl, Sharina Hadley. (Yup. Full name usage. Frankly, I don’t give a damn if Google pulls it up, people. She sucked.)

At first, I was surprised and happy. More people came to my party! Yay! Tiffany kept her eyes downcast while Sharina checked her frosted bangs in my parents oval walnut-framed mirror and interrogated Tiffany on whether or not she was having a good time. As she kept talking and looking scornfully at my house, me, my sister and Tiffany, I began to “Get it”. She did not come out of friendship or good will. She and her friends looked up my parents address and went to considerable lengths to make a mockery of me, my parents house, and Tiffany for daring to hang out with me. Once her message was made clear, she turned, checked her Swatch, and left.

Tiffany was crushed. She never hung out with me again.

Not that I blame her. I felt really bad for her that night, and I still do to this day.

While the behavior of Sharina and her ilk is horrible, it happens. Maybe if it had been an isolated event or two in my life it would be different, I wouldn’t have called it “Bullying” but things like this? They happened all the time. Every single day of my life. That kind of assault? It’s bullying. And it is damaging like you can’t believe.

I never told my parents about it. I really never told them about anything. They had a lot going on themselves, and I was a kid who kept to myself a lot of the time. I was pretty embarrassed that someone thought that of me and didn’t want them to know. It was too humiliating.

I should have. If I had been able to talk to them about Sharina or her dozen clones, they might have helped talk me through things or worked with me. If I had talked to them or another adult I may have been more prepared for what I was going to face in Jr. High. Although, I don’t know if anyone is prepared for THAT.

I’m going to KILL you, bitch!”

Hearing those words almost every day for 6 months as a 7th-grader isn’t fun. When it’s coming out of the mouth of a hell-raising 9th grader that looked like a heavy, female version of Ozzy Osbourn and Alice Cooper’s love child it gets even scarier.

We’ll call her, “Janice”. I’m not giving her a pseudonym for her protection. Nah. I’m calling her that because if I could remember her name I would have no problem shouting it from the rooftops. Besides, it would be fun to Google her name and see what offender list she landed on.

I have no idea what I did to attract the attention of this girl. I have no idea why she decided to make my life a living hell, but she did. One day in the cafeteria, Miss Future Inmate came up to the condiments table where I was squeezing ketchup onto my questionable looking hamburger, slammed her tray into mine, laughed as it skidded on to the floor and said, “I. am. going. to. f*cking. kill. you.”

I had no reason to doubt her. The girl smoked Marlboro Reds at 14-years-old for Pete’s sake! She was very big and very menacing and had a very bad, pitch-black dye job and self-done pseudo-tattoo that said “Hell’s bitch” on her forearm. I really wish I was exaggerating or kidding here, but I’m not.

You always wonder what kind of person you will be when confronted with fear. Are you a fight or flight type? I think it will come as no shock that I am a “Flight” type of girl. After that day, my life became about survival in the hallways. I went out of my way to not attract her attention. If I saw her and could escape, I would. It didn’t always work and if there were no teachers around, I got shoved into lockers, cussed at and shaken down for my lunch money. I stopped eating lunch and developed the VERY bad habit of having 2 ice cream sandwiches and a Cherry Coke for lunch instead. I put on 40 lbs my 7th grade year. It was the beginning my my significant weight problem.

I never told a single person what was happening to me.

No one noticed. She always hit me when I was alone, which was pretty often back then. She scared the living shit out of me.

She was a bully.

Luckily, school ended and I never saw her again. I wish I could say that the rest of the teasing went away in jr. high, but it didn’t. Do you know the multitude of ways you can twist the name Loralee to be insulting? My personal favorite was “LardAssLee”. Yup. It was my misfortune that “Stand by Me” came out during that time and I got the “Lard Ass” “BoombababoombabaBOOM” sound from about a dozen different people whenever I would walk down the hallway. That sort of thing still went on day after day.

High school was a bit tamer, there was still name calling but mainly? It was just isolation, snubbing, etc. I had learned by then to just keep my head down. By that time I found singing, drama and a few true friends (Ironically, my best friend in elementary school moved back and was again my best bud. She saved me.) so between all that the teasing was easier to take. It still didn’t stop someone from changing my plus-sized choir dress with the smallest girl in choir at my senior concert because I had a solo. It must have been really grand for them to see my dress made up of yards and yards of material drowning this petite girl while everyone went on and on about how “HUGE” the owner of the dress must be and my burning face when I had to get it back.

Still…It could have been worse. All the years and years of it really took their toll on me though. I have effects from it to this day. I wish I had handled it differently and talked to someone earlier than I did.

So what are we supposed to do as parents to combat all of this? The advice for parents on both side of the bullying issue (Victim or bully) is to communicate, communicate, communicate. Even though I am completely upset about the situation, I am hoping that the kid who is bullying James can get some help working through whatever is going on with him.

I am putting down some points from various articles that I have been reading.

If your child is being a bully

• If you have a child that is bullying others you have to ask them why and really listen. You need to get all the facts. Do not assume your child is innocent just because they are good kids for you. On the other hand, don’t immediately assume they have done something horrible (Admittedly, I fear this would be my first reaction.) In other words: Don’t jump to any conclusions either way until you get all the facts. BE OPEN TO GETTING TO THE TRUTH.
• Try to relate to them, share experiences of either being a bully or a victim of bullying and your views on what it did to you.
• It may be possible that your child resulted to picking others because they were the target of a bully and trying to deflect attention away from themselves. It could be that there are big problems with low self esteem. If they say that the picked on child was “Bothering” them or they just “Don’t like them”, that is a surface answer that needs to go deeper.
• Suck it up and analyze your behavior and the atmosphere of your home. How is conflict handled at home? Is it common in your household to act out aggressively and its something your kids are picking up? What are your kids exposed to through the media? I’m not saying to torture yourself to death, but you need to ask the questions. I do it all the time when there are problems with the kids and while I may not be perfect, I try to fix it.
• Also, it may not be you. Kids that bully can come from good homes and caring parents that are horrified by their child’s behavior. Everyone I have met and talked with about James sings the praises of his bully’s parents. I don’t doubt it, but the behavior is coming from somewhere. Hopefully, they will be able to get to the bottom of it.
• Talk to their teachers, get to know their classmates, meet with the principal. Try to nurture other hobbies and activites that will give them a more secure sense of self.
• Your child needs to apologize and own up to their behavior and that will be easier with your support. You need to be your child’s ally. You are above all things, their parent and it is up to you to be on their side in this and help them work through this. THAT DOES NOT MEAN CONDONING THE BULLYING. You need to make sure that a child who is bullying has an appropriate consequence. Don’t be afraid of appropriate punishment. What it means being their best ally in solving the root of the problem.

If your child is the one being bullied. (I’ve read a lot of different things about this and this article is one I like in particular)

• Take it seriously. Bullying is hard to talk about. Chances are high if your kid is vocalizing it, it is a bigger deal than it may sound.
• It may be difficult for them to talk about. Look at me. I never told my parents. I did talk to a religous instructor in the 9th grade and it really helped.
• If you notice a change in your child’s behavior, investigate. Talk to teachers, volunteer in their classes. If your child is having a hard time communicating with you, ask them to please talk to some adult they trust about what is going on with them.
• Never suggest that this is your child’s “Fault”. You SHOULD look at things that you can help your child with as far as habits and behavior that might annoy and attract a bully situation. I know that this is something we have been working on.
• Never suggest physical retaliative bullying. It’s tempting, but a very bad idea. However, In MY opinion? They have EVERY RIGHT to defend themselves. Someone comes at them swinging? They have every right to defend themselves.
• Talk to the administration and teachers.
• Monitor the situation.
• Don’t confront the bullies parents. It’s not a good idea. The school needs to handle that.
• Relate to your child. Sometimes its hard to see heroic mom and dad as ever having a bully pick on them. My son couldn’t imagine me without friends and was totally surprised that I had been picked on. It made him feel better and see that there is life after the cesspool of jr. high.

This helped to write. I feel a lot better. It may help you understand why I am so upset about what is going on with James. When I found out that he has been picked on since the 1st grade and how bad he feels about it, it made me heartsick. I am just glad that he is TALKING to me about it. That I can help him. I realize that not every kid goes through what I did and I am so glad about that. I think that writing my experiences like this from time to time help me because there is still a lot of things from that time that I haven’t really dealt with. I hope that if this is happening to your kids that you have success in dealing with it effectively.

I sat down on my bed to fold a batch of laundry and fell asleep for an hour-and-a-half. I woke up with bad dreams, drooling, and inhaling a rogue fabric softener sheet that somehow made its way from my laundry pile to my face.I hate falling asleep and waking up at this time of day…It’s depressing. It gave me a head ache and now I am cranky as hell.

So, in order to fight the bitchy, I’m going to sit here, type for a minute.  It probably isn’t going to be witty, (Or pretty. Or gay.) just an update about my kids and their schooling.  I will keep my fingers and finger-like toes crossed in hope that the two Aleve I took will start to work on the dull pounding going on in my neck, shoulders and brain.

I attended parent teacher conferences for both of my boys yesterday and I walked away feeling really good about it. Christopher is doing really well. He tends to wander off in his head from time to time, and needs to improve on spelling. I was doing part of his homework incorrectly with him, but apparently many of the parents were doing the same thing so now we have clarification and it will be fine.

I have loved volunteering in his classroom. Because I worked so hard and served so long as PTO President, the burnout was so bad that I could barely go into the school the last two years. Not even to help in the classroom. Frankly, the thought even walking through the doors made my eyes roll to the back of my head and break out in hives. I’m glad that the aversion has worn off. For one, I was beginning to fear I was turning into the chick from “The Exorcist” and that I was steps away from my head turning full circle and levitating in the evenings. For two, I’m having a good time helping out again and knowing the intimate details of my kids classroom.

I had my first middle school parent teacher conference about James. He has two low grades. However, it is because he there were one or two tests/assignments that he totally bombed and it just took a huge chunk out of his grade. His overall work ethic and grades have been consistent and good.

Is it terrible that I am not getting my knickers in a twist over a letter grade and am focusing on his improvement in life skills? I have been so worried about them. Every teacher every year says the same thing: He is very smart and they think that he has a very fun personality, his big problem is organization.

Yes, I know. It’s always been MY problem as well. So, how does someone who is chaotic help their child, who is also chaotic?The best way I can. It’s been a slow process because a lot of what I’m trying to help him with goes against my nature as well, but I’m trying. And he’s making progress.

We have what I am responsible for at home under control. His homework grades are excellent in every class. It is what goes on with his time management and keeping track of classwork that is holding him back. So, I am trying to talk to him and work on his organization at home and talking frequently to his teachers to see if it improves.

I dealt with the issue of James getting picked on. Every teacher is aware of it and I will be checking up with them to see if we need to take it to the next level of involvement. I am really hoping that we won’t have to, that they will just get board and stop soon. Cross your fingers.

Our school also holds Book Fair during conferences. I hated it this year. It was all from one publisher, so the selection was very “Eh”. I am a big believer in “You have to buy BOOKS at the book fair, not the random crap they also sell!”, but I didn’t recognize one book title from this publisher. Plus, it seemed to be geared for very young kids. It was frustrating. I should have just taken them to the book store. At least now I know to avoid the second one if I see it’s the same set up.

I’m going to get ready to eat Indian food with my girlfriends and watch the finale of “Top Chef”. I’m kinda voting for Dale or Casey (It would be nice to have a woman win.), although I will admit, Hung is very talented.

Thanks for being here for me during my cranky moment. Typing has helped diffuse the “AAARRRRRG”.

Why do I have to find out that my child is being bullied the day before I start my period? Because let me tell you, that is THE worst time of the month for me emotionally. The worst. In fact, I have been such a Debbie Downer all week. I chalked it all up to blues from the trip and Matthew’s anniversary, but I forgot all about my period (Again).

The day before my period is usually filled with an inexplicable feeling of sadness, worry, confusion. I often have emotionally wrenching conversations and there is ALWAYS sobbing at some point in the day. Basically, I am a live illustration of weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.

It sucks.

I suppose it is a good thing that I have been a virtual recluse/hermit/shut in since I’ve gotten back. I have only seen my family and one friend who stopped by to drop something off and show me her new car.Hell, I haven’t even seen Karen face-to-face yet and SHE LIVES IN MY BASEMENT.

I’m a winner.

Yesterday, my son and my nephew had the biggest fight. I will skip the details because it just isn’t for the internet, but those two have such a volatile relationship. They push each other’s buttons like you wouldn’t believe. My husband was home and had to break it up. I’ve never seen him so mad. He has had it. They are going to have to spend a lot of time apart. I don’t know if they’ll ever really be able to have a relationship if they can’t manage it better than this. For the good of both of them, because it just is bad right now.

That was stressful in and of itself, but it brought out another situation that sucks.

I know that kids pick on other kids. It is a sad, horrible part of life. I was very picked on in school. Very. I carry the effects of it around with me to this day. I don’t think I really felt good about my social situation until college. One day I was sitting in the hall with a large group of friends from the music department between classes and I was struck by the thought that every person sitting there liked me. No one wished me ill, mocked me, taunted me or thought me less of a person than they were. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. Actually, scratch that. I was happy, sure, but this was different than happiness…It was one of the most PEACEFUL moments of my life.

We go to a school that has kids in it from all over the valley. We also live in a neighborhood with very few kids (Except for the neighbor kids that do things like write on my car with a Sharpie.). So, I always knew that my son didn’t have a lot of playtime options. But, he always managed to have at least one friend in class. They usually end up moving away, which is always hard on him.

This year, he doesn’t have anyone. His best friend moved away in the summer and now there are two boys that are picking on him to the point (They are now tripping and pushing him in gym class) that I am going to start “The chain of command”. Meaning, I’m going to talk to all of his teachers and ask them to keep an eye out for these two boys and my son. You know the drill. If it escalates and doesn’t work you move involvement up a notch at a time, etc. I am hopeful that this will work, but I know how busy teachers are. I know that they will try their best, but I also know how good kids are at doing these things out of view of adults.

They are making him feel sad, terrible and very lonely. This sucks. It hurt to hear him say that he didn’t have any friends. I tried to tell him that he is the BEST little kid. More than anything I want him to be able to see and believe me that these insignificant, moronic, brats DO NOT MATTER. That they are INSIGNIFICANT in his life. That if he can just get past the bullshit of middle school and high school he will be OK. Sure, people still have drama, cliques and turf wars even as adults but it so different. You aren’t being caged up with 300 immature potential enemies that are half-crazed with hormones every day, all day.

It matters to him. It is significant to him. He sees them and what they say as valid, important and the truth. WHICH SUCKS. I told him how special he his. How fun, witty, smart and sweet he is. He gave me “The look” and said, “Yeah, but you’re my MOM.” Once again, I am amazed at the repeating cycles of child/parent relationships. I STILL give my mother that look when she says she would have wanted to be my best friend if she was my age.

Arg.

It’s hard to know what to do as a parent in a situation where kids are picking on your kids. He’s tried ignoring him, defending himself the best that he can, and I know boys have to work things out by themselves most of the time. I am a little upset that he confided in his gym teacher and the gym teacher did not call me, but I’ll bring that up with him when I go over this afternoon.

I hope that this can be resolved soon. I hope I deal with it right because sometimes parental involvement can make it SOOOO much worse. So, for now, I am just going to hope that calling the teacher’s attention to it will help diffuse any situations.

How about you, Internet? Have you had to deal with this? What did you do? What worked? I would love the plethora of teachers that read me to chime in if you could. I would like some advice on what do say.

School lunch and I have a somewhat unpleasant history. Growing up it was awesome. I always ate hot lunch at school and was fine with this. I liked most of the food. Especially Navajo Taco Day. I mean, who didn’t like Navajo Taco Day??? I liked how there seemed to be a permeating aroma of hamburger and corn every day starting around 10:30, and HELLO?! THE PEANUT BUTTER CHOCOLATE BARS???

I still weep with missing them.

On the few times I had to bring a lunch from home I was totally disappointed and often just went hungry instead of eating. Mainly because my father usually made them and lunch consisted of sandwiches slathered with so much mayonnaise that it would soak through the bread, milk in a jelly mason jar and everything would be wrapped in layers and layers of aluminum foil. Even my oranges.

So, school lunch was a much better option for me.

Dealing with the ins and outs of school lunch has been trickier with my kids. My children have been attending a charter school since the first year it opened. Basically, this means that while it is still a public school (Many people think we charge tuition. We don’t.), we are not under any school district. We are basically our own district and have much more flexibility in control over schedules, curriculum, dress codes,etc. The flip side of having this control is that we take less federal funding, so our school does not have a bus program, nor do we have a true “Cafeteria”. We never will, either. School lunch programs are too expensive to be self-sufficient and the budget absorbs a lot of the cost and subsidizes what the students pay to eat daily.

For the first year of school we had to make lunches every day. When I took over as Parent Organization President, we implemented “Pizza Day”. We brought in pizza so that the kids would have something hot and that once a week, parents would get a break from packing lunches. It was such a success that my board and I rolled our sleeves up and tackled getting a more consistent hot lunch program in place. We hired a caterer to bring lunch into the school and serve it out of the warming kitchen.

It was a DISASTER.

His food was often poorly made, he was inconsistent in everything he did, he often ran out of food, and his professionalism just SUCKED. He was warned and talked to repeatedly. Instead of improvement, there was bickering and disagreements about money he claimed we owed him (We didn’t. I had the receipts to prove it). One evening I got a voice mail at 11 pm that if he wasn’t paid the amount he said we owed by 10 am he would not be serving the kids lunch the next day.

You do not threaten to let kids go hungry as a power play. Not on my watch.

I called up several friends on my PO board (Go, Chelle!) and we arranged for pizza, bread sticks and milk to be delivered to the school and I told the caterer to meet with us the next day with me, the Principal, my Vice President, treasurer and members of the school board.

At the meeting, we went over his issues, my issues, my accounting of finance, his accounting of finances (He didn’t have any paperwork “With him”. Meaning, he didn’t have any PERIOD).  When he saw the path it was going down he tried to apologize and said he came all ready to feed the children chili for lunch. I told him weren’t about to chance our kids going hungry so we had pizza being delivered and that we were done working with him. My first experience “Firing” someone.

It sucked.

What about the rest of the year, though? We had to scramble to find an alternative and fast. It was difficult. We came up with “Meals on Wheels” and had them bring in lunch for the rest of the year. At the time, they were the only facility that didn’t serve all fried foods that could deliver, serve, meet our price, provide the serving dishes and handle the volume. The problem was that the kids didn’t really love the food. I don’t blame them. Still, it was hot, and not totally sucky. It was hugely popular w/the parents so we kept it the next year.

When I left as PO President the program changed. There was a new restaurant in town that met all the criteria AND the kids LOVE the food. While I am slightly envious that the new PO President found the perfect option when I wasn’t able to, I am thrilled as a parent to not have to make lunches every day and that my kids are happy.

There are a few downsides to it, though. They only cater three days a week, so I still have to make lunches Mondays and Fridays. That’s not too bad, but the orders are only taken once a month. See this sheet of paper? If it is not turned in by the deadline specified, you are SCREWED!

You have to wait until the next month and are stuck doing lunches until then. Not missing the deadline is important and it is doubly challenging with my sucky memory. There has been more than one month were I don’t remember to get the checks in, even with reminders put on my mirror and hanging the lunch menu on my fridge.

So, how can a girl like me MAKE SURE to remember to fill out a VIP (Very Important Paper) and turn it in?

THE PERFECT SOLUTION:

It totally worked. We’re good to go until October.

There has been so much going on. While I may expound on a few of these when I am more capeable, here are some bits and pieces.

• My niece is keeping Ellie Nan. We weren’t sure if she would be placed for adoption or not. It has been very traumatic and stressful for our family. Loads of emotions were being flung everywhere causing a lot of issues, hurt and stress. It was a huge decision, and I didn’t envy my niece in making it. It will be quite the challenge because she still has a year of high school left, but the most important thing is that she is at peace with the path she picked. She couldn’t give her up. As someone who has lost a baby (I know, it isn’t the same thing, but in my opinion it is damn close.) I understand, but she is only 17 and I also strongly support adoption, so it was tough to know how to feel. I just wanted her to do what she felt in her heart was the right thing and she did that. Right now the goal is to just help her as much as we can. She’s a straight-A student, and I just want her to be able to get through college. Hopefully, it will happen. She’s a hard worker, smart and is taking to motherhood like a duck to water, and Ellie is the sweetest little baby. I love and adore her. Everyone does. In my opinion, once decisions like this have been made you need to look at all the positives you can.

• A whole lot of stress and worry has been going on about James. The issue of where he lives may be resolved. (As far as I know. It seems that whenever I think it’s settled, um, it’s not.) He will remain here but he’ll be seeing more of his dad. Which has always been totally fine with me and an option. There aren’t many words adequate to describe my relief. That’s all I’ll say about it online, since this whole thing made me break my rule about never writing about my first husband out of respect and I feel torn about everything.

• It’s Nooncy’s BIRTHDAY TODAY!!! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR NOONCY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!! I hope you had a big serving up cupcakes for breakfast. (FYI to those who are new-Nooncy is my awesome sister-in-law) Last night we went to Happy Sumo for some killer, killer sushi. Big thanks to the bro for treating. Love you, Nan.

• PMS is wrecking havoc with me. I am so damn emotional lately. It’s exacerbated by my inability to just shut the hell up. Have you ever had times in your life where you just do and say the wrong thing all the time? With everyone and everything? Because that seems to be exactly where I am. I’ve been forceful, emotional and vocal in many of my blog comments and emails. When I’m trying to be helpful, it translates into drama and makes everything worse. Things I write come out as bitchy and hostile, when I don’t mean them to be. It’s weird for me. It’s causing me stress. I’ve gotten to the point where if I just can’t settle on down, I’m going to lock up my computer until I trust myself around it. Either that or just duct tape my damn mouth shut. (How do you lurkers do it? HOW?). Sorry if I have hurt or pissed people off, really I am.

• The boys went back to school yesterday (And there was much rejoicing. Yay…). We have a tradition with the boys of taking them out for breakfast on the first day of school. Yesterday was no exception. They decided that they wanted to dress alike, so I let them. I had cupcakes waiting for them when they got home (Again, another tradition).

• I got word that I will be the mezzo soloist in “The Messiah” again this year. Yippee!

• On my way back home from Salt Lake late last night, I stopped off to see a friend who lives in Ogden and we went for coffee at a rather ghetto coffee shop called Grounds for Coffee. The crowd hanging around outside kinda made me fear for my life, but we went in anyway since it was the only place still open. Ogden is kind of Utah’s answer to Detroit. There are some areas that are quite beautiful, but there are many areas that just, um, aren’t. I believe that the paper that was left on the table we sat down at says it all:

• I am hoping to gear up and get the rest of my trip planned this week. I’ll letcha know how it goes. OH, and if any of you camera types could please answer my camera question that is in my sideblog I’d really appreciate it.

Nothing new in the realm of the sucky custody situation. Right now I am just trying to survive the August hell that is otherwise known as back-to-school shopping.

Don’t get me wrong, I love paper products and supplies. There is something so soothing about stacks of clean, perfect paper, packages of pens that flow in thick, smooth lines and binders that line up perfectly-like primary colored ducks in a row. I get all teary-eyed and glowy just thinking about it. Still, this annual shopping excursion hurts my head every year. It doesn’t help that I put it off until the week before school and do it in one fell swoop, so I have no one to blame but me.

First stop was Old Navy. (Memo to me: Employment at this store goes on the list of “Jobs That Would Make You Lose Your Sanity and Stick a Fork in Your Eye in Ten Seconds or Less”) Still, despite the crowds, music, and MESS that people leave after pawing through everything, Old Navy has good clothes that are budget friendly to parents of boys that can destroy a new outfit faster than you can say “American Express”.

The dress code for our school is really straight forward and boring. No denim and solid color shirts that have a collar and no logos. I LOVE IT because it is so easy, but it just doesn’t make shopping for it all that exciting, you know? Plus, shopping with a gaggle of boys is just different than shopping on your own or with girls. Getting my boys to try things on is like trying to persuade a cat to go swimming. They hate it. I finally got Christopher into an outfit and it was too big. When I told him we would have to look for something in a different size, he got huffy.

“WHAT? You mean I tried this on for NOTHING?”

“Welcome to shopping, son.”

After we finished at Old Navy we went to ShopKo (NEVER go to Wal-demort for back to school shopping. EVER. It is like entering a war zone to fight for items so picked over there are usually just folders with Sailor Moon and Garfield left on the shelves.) The selection at ShopKo was adequate for the pounds of paper supplies both kids need and new backpacks at 60% off for the kind with wheels is a smokin’ deal.

The last stop was for shoes.

I love Payless. Especially when you have boys that always seem to lose every pair of shoes they have with in a month or two of purchase (It’s damn frustrating, that.) I can’t believe how BIG they have gotten. They are both out of the kids section and into the men’s. :S

Jonathan and I disagreed on shoes. He thought the totally cute pair of American Eagle shoes I liked were “Totally girly” and I thought that the shoes he wanted for Christopher were such a painful throwback to the 80’s that I would have no choice but to start calling Christopher, “Punky Brewster”, if he purchased them.

Seriously??? LOOK AT THAT SHOE!!!!!! GAG. Am I alone, here? The one on the left is way cuter!

In the end, I just.didn’t.care. We had been shopping for 4 hours, I was dead tired, hungry, had a huge headache and was DONE. I waved the white flag, made myself acquainted with the floor, and let my husband finish the shoe shopping.

The final decisions were made and everyone was happy. (Can you tell by the final shoe selection why I feel like I am raising Calvin and Alex P. Keaton in the same household?).

James:

Christopher:

Four stores and hundreds of dollars later, we are D-O-N-E.

So…Y’all finished with your shopping?