I can’t describe the torture it was. I love my parents, but truly, talking about my afternoon there is too painful!

When I finally had my dad drop me off, I was so relieved because frankly, I had to pee like a racehorse all the way home. In fact, I made a little song of it in my head to the tune of Beethovan’s 5th:

“I have to pee…I have to pee…I have to pee, I have to pee, I have to pee…. I have to pee, I have to pee I have to pee….I have to pee (I have to pee), I have to pee (I have to pee), I have to, HAVE. TO. PEE!”

The front door was locked.

The back door was locked.

The porch window was locked.

Oh. My. HELL.

THIS IS WHY I NEVER LOCK ANYTHING!!!!!!!!

I always get locked out. The last time I locked myself out of somewhere I had to climb through a window in the middle of the night and I broke my toe. I called Jon to rescue me. He was 20 minutes away and I NEEDED TO PEE. I turned on my IPOD and tried to meditate and take my mind off my tortured kidneys and bladder.

My IPOD battery died.

So, I took out my cell phone and called my sister to talk and pass the time.

My cell phone battery died.

SO, I took out a pen and an old reciept to make a TO DO list of things to get done before 5 o’clock today.

My pen ran out of ink.

Luckily, it was about that time that Jonathan arrived with the keys to unlock the door. At this point I was really tempted to say, “That one burned down, fell over and then it sank into the swamp, but the forth one stayed UP!”

After I used the ladies room, I tried on “THE DRESS”.
It looks pretty nice. I love the color-I wanted something unusual and it is perfect. My arms look better than I thought they would. MUCH better than they did (Though they could be way more toned still). I think that the alterations are perfect. She was able to fit it so I won’t have to wear a bra. That was my preference because it is just another constrictive layer to have to breathe through, anyway.

For those who don’t know, I have the world’s biggest freaking ribcage. It is partially what enables me to have such a powerful voice, but it also tends to make me look like a guy without a waist.

It’s a pity.

It has always made finding dresses a bit of a frustration. Add boobs to that equation, and the difficulty increases. This dress, for example: It fit beautifully in the waist in my normal size, but there was NO FREAKING WAY that sucker was zipping up all the way.

Well, I might have gotten it to work, but it would have needed a corset and would have resembled a scene from “Gone With the Wind” where Mammy is chastising Scarlett for “Eating like a field hand and Gobbling like a hog.” while pulling on her corset strings for dear life. And Scarlett had a TWENTY INCH WAIST! In my case there would probably be exclamations of “I don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ no babies!”

Where was I?

Oh, alterations.

In the end, I bought the next size up and had it altered. I think she did a good job. It is going to look great on opening night. Which is in THREE DAYS.

It is all starting to be frighteningly real.