I am in an insomnia cycle. No need to worry, it is just how I am built. I have struggled with this as long as I can remember. It isn’t as bad as it used to be by any stretch of the imagination, but I think that I will probably struggle with this one for the rest of my life. I have always been a night person. ALWAYS. Early mornings depress me. When I wake up before the dawn it puts me in a foul mood for the rest of the day.
I feel like I am missing something if I am sleeping and I can remember feeling that way from the time I was small. It was probably the truth then because I had siblings that were much older and they could stay up past 9:00 and do cool things without having younger siblings hanging around.
I don’t think that this is an unusual desire. I had two choices: Choice A: Accept my fate and go to bed, which meant listening to my twin sister snore (Or in her teenage years listen to the tape “I walk by faith” by Janice Kapp Perry for 8 million hours. For those that don’t know what this is: Very cheesy religious music) OR Choice B: Wonder what my other siblings were up to and want to be doing that instead and devise ways to make option B happen. I know. TOUGH choice, huh?!
When I was 3 or 4, my mother ran a cleaning service. One night, all my older siblings and my mom were going to clean an office building after I was supposed to be in bed. I wanted to go, but was told that I had to stay home with my younger siblings and dad. That was unacceptable to me. I HAD to know where they were going and be included in whatever was going on.
I snuck out of bed, got dressed and snuck into the the back of my parents station wagon and hid under a blanket. I sat undetected the whole way there. Toward the end of the trip I made a little cough and was discovered by my brother, Rhett. Needless to say, they were not pleased to see me.
As a parent, I look at this story and freak out. What if they had taken a different car? What if something had happened!? Dude. Heart attack. However, I remember so clearly the need to be included, to have information, to be involved.
Nothing drives me more insane than not having information, not knowing what is going on. Drives.me.batty. My actions made perfect sense to my four-year-old brain. It was the same rational I used to sneak out of bed and hide behind the couch while everyone watched “Salem’s Lot”, a movie I should have NEVER viewed given my fright of the dark, vampires, and death in general.
That movie still freaks me out to this day. I partially blame it for my tortured reactions to scary films even now. After I saw, “The Ring” I had to have my friend Brian walk into my house with me, wait while I turned on every single light in the house, turn his back while I changed into pajamas and only after I hid under the covers and he checked under my bed was he allowed to go home.
I believe I had insomnia that night as well. Probably a few nights after that, too.
I used to have a couple of friends that worked night jobs and I would talk to them all the time. It made the night go by faster, but those options aren’t around anymore and it is a bummer. Some of my friends have difficulty sleeping as well, but it isn’t like you can just call and say, “HEY! YOU AWAKE?! Wanna get a cocoa???!”
I also suffer from very vivid nightmares. It seems that I either have those or intensely happy dreams that suck to wake up from. Then there are the dreams where you make your friend pretend she is retarded so that she can get a gym membership. Basically, there is suck in most of the subconsciouses vomit that occurs when I am in a state of REM. Isn’t that a pity? It makes drifting off less appealing somehow.
I know that when I start thinking about certain subjects, I am screwed sleep-wise as well:
Here are a few:
Eternity-no end and no beginning
Jack the Ripper (As previously discussed)
Certain relationships
High School and the various strains of suck that it was. Seriously, I think if you took my high school experiences, soaked it in water and then strained and dried it, you would have the anthrax virus.
“If I go to sleep right now, I will get X hours of sleep” (ALWAYS a killer)
and last but certainly not least, “I wonder when the exact moment I fall asleep will be”.
Arg.
So here I sit. Awake and alone.
If anyone is awake, please for the love of God, say something.
Stumble it!
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