Um…Hi, neighbor! What is going on? What? You hope I’m not on my way out? Well, I guess just because I’m walking out the door with my friend and have the car keys and cellphone in my hand doesn’t necessarily mean I’m going anywhere.

What? Your phone was shut off? You need to call your OBGYN? Do I have a phone you could use? Well, sure! Luckily, I have one, you know, in my hand! With my car keys!! That I wasn’t necessarily going to use to go anywhere right now!!

I’m not a heartless wench, I have compassion! Caring!! Kindness!!! Even if you made the last two lawn mowing seasons HELL. Even if your freaking kid constantly steals my kids bike, writes on my car with a Sharpie marker, and walks into my house whenever she feels like it, and, yes, even if I have resorted to hiding from you in my own house…SURE! I’ll still let you use my phone because you are in legitimate need.

I just have one tiny question-

Does all this kindness and caring require me to listen to you drone on and on for days in minute detail about your vagina and how you just can’t seem to keep a tampon in it since your IUD fell out???