More random things in a fairly morose post. I’ll try to be more cheerful tomorrow, but everyone has to have moments where they just put down their load for a moment. Tonight is one of those.
So much of my life is just about surviving, keeping your chin up, faking it till you make it, and keeping so busy and full of activity that there is no time or room for sadness or thinking.
It works so much of the time, but it all my tactics are failing me tonight.
*I miss having someone to talk to in my insomnia. My sleep has sucked a duck lately. I think and think and THINK all night long. Alone.
*Jon is going to try to fix my computer tomorrow at his office. I don’t hold out much hope because I think he will have to order several new parts for it. We’ll see.
*My children have managed to break the one Wii controller we had. Lovely.
*We worked our asses off on renovating all day today. My parents hurt my head.
*The boy’s new bunk beds are up and assembled. I just have to hang curtains and finish turning their quilts into comforters.
Not bad progress for feeling pretty blah lately.
*I am pretty tired of being sickly, dammit. That whole, “If you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything” phrase? Trite, but true.
*I also feel like I am beginning to spiral a bit. I think that having my house in a state of chaos and undone-ness is beginning to really affect me. For example, I haven’t had a fully functioning bathroom in 2 1/2 months and my appearance has suffered greatly for it. Lots of my things are packed in boxes, so my skin, hair and mood have all been affected. Between not being able to find my skin care products and the hormones of period-ville, I feel like I have been consumed by face leprosy. I haven’t felt this ugly, fat, insecure, and gross in over a decade.
*I am also very tired of not having a car. We have a purchase planned and budgeted for, but it is still not for awhile and I am really sick of being so isolated. I think it is beginning to affect my spirit. I’m pretty low. I feel like all my weird little routines are gone, I’m becoming a withdrawn hermit, I’ve lost touch with a lot of friends, I miss people, and I just want my life back.
*Luckily, there are bright spots on the horizon and good things going on. (I can’t rid myself completely of the “Buck up little camper” entirely) Rehearsals for “The Messiah” started a few weeks ago. My husband and friends, Brian Joy, Mary Ellen, and Rachael are all singing with me in the chorus. Even though I am the Mezzo soloist, I am attending all the rehearsals as part of my training. I have been offered coaching for the role by a fantastic vocal instructor who is also the Bass soloist. He is helping me to get my voice whipped back into shape and it needs it. I used to rehearse 8-9 hours a DAY and I was wiped out after just 1 1/2 hours. I haven’t studied since Matthew died. It has been over 4 years since I was accompanied by an orchestra in a solo position and this is a huge deal to me. I was beginning to think it would never happen again.
I am terrified I’ll fail.
*I found out that we are performing in one of my favorite venues: The Ellen Eccles Theater. It is home to Utah Festival Opera company and I love performing there. We perform the last weekend in March there and then the next Friday (I think) at the Peery Egyptian Theater in Ogden.(Hmmm…The website calender actually says the performance in Ogden in on March 30th. That is a contradiction I am going to have to get worked out). That is going to be interesting. I know I’ll be ok, but it will be weird to be in a city I have been avoiding for two years . It brings things to mind that are difficult to deal with.
*I don’t even want to think about the ordeal at finding a concert dress. It will be a bitch and I am not that into shopping. Plus, I am poor and having body issues, so that always adds to the dilemma. Oh, well. Hopefully I can go on a shopping trip to SLC and see my sis and sis-in-law at the same time.
*My heart just hurts tonight and I want it to stop. It’s probably due to me actually listening to music for the first time in months. Never a good idea. I really just need to stop listening to it. I fair better.
*I think I need to just have a good cry, stop listening to music, eat chocolate and pray for the end of my period and this blue streak. Then, I need to haul my fat ass to the gym on Monday. I am going to enter a race this year if it kills me. I just need to stay busy, get my projects done, start new ones, and keep my mind absolutely occupied.
Nothing like having goals, no?
Stumble it!
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