I got my bag from Bluefly.com today.

The UPS guy drove up just as I was starting the hideous task of de-jungling my yard and flower beds. Jonathan’s birthday is on Saturday and he has opted to take his geeky self and several of his geeky friends down to his office to spend the whole day and night with their geeky computers all networked together to play endless amounts of geeky computer games.

Not MY idea of a fantabulous birthday, but since I don’t have a million and one Leathermans, flashlights, phones and other forms of geekary attached to my belt at all times, I know that I “Just don’t get it”. It’s his day, he can do what he wants. I just want him to be happy.

As I will be kid-free that night, I will most likely be curled up with a good book or movie and possibly a vat of cookie dough, but you didn’t hear that here.

Back to my yard.

Since Jonathan is turning 32 (YES. HE IS OLDER THAN I AM, OK? He loves calling me “Mrs. Robinson”. We are not amused.), I did want to celebrate his birthday at some point. We have good friends that grew up with Jonathan visiting from Virgina and since we wanted to get together with everyone we just decided to throw a BBQ on Friday to celebrate both events.

Which means our first outdoor party of the year.

Which means I don’t just have to clean my house, I also have to get my yard ready. Which is not easy. My trip to Minnesota (and my inadequacy of dealing with my life-suck) has put me WAY behind on my yard. The biggest problem has been with our mower. It has been at the shop since the first thaw and so my yard has been HORRIBLE. The weeds in my area are crazy bad, too. It took a very long time, some serious swearing and about 3 herniations to get the whole project done.

I swear I thought I was going to find Jimmy Hoffa amongst the weeds in my back garden. GAH! I managed to get the 200 lbs of Sienna red chips scattered, all the flowers planted and my herbs potted, and made sure that all half acre of the lawn was mowed, even though it means that I am going to need to take eleventyhundred Aleve so that I can walk tomorrow. Although, since I also had a rehearsal full of the Charleston combined with tons of frantic house cleaning, I REALLY don’t think that there is much chance of that. I am in bucketloads of back pain and I can just imagine what a night on my suckass bed is going to make me feel like in the morning.
Back to my yard. Again.
All through my gardening process, I kept eying my box from Bluefly. I left it on the porch as a visual reminder that I had something AWESOME waiting for me. Call it a, ‘Don’t stick the pruning clippers in your eye, Loralee. Just finish the damn garden so you can open me!” pep talk if you will.
I finally got the last of the weeds thrown in the wheelbarrow as it turned officially dark and then went inside to guzzle water and open my box to see my new purse!!!!

DUDE.

Total disappointment.

It’s…Boring. And stiff. And the leather is nubby, which you can’t see in the photo and which I hate. The ruffles look stiff and awkward instead of feminine and it just isn’t something that I really want to spend a hundred bucks on, even if it was 60% off.

AND…it was designed by JESSICA SIMPSON.

I think that last tidbit was the final nail in the coffin for me.

It’s so disappointing.

It’s SO being sent back.

I need to cut it out with the posts that sound like birds chirping, huh?

One of my newest blog crushes is Jennifer from “Playgroups are no place for children”. (She also gets to live by Casey which makes me green with envy as Casey is one awesome bloggity date.)

Jennifer’s post for today is about being a cheapskate and her love of purchasing generic items. It started my brain spiraling in a million different directions so I thought I might as well dump it here since I am now going through the aisles of my grocery store in my head and thinking about what I will and will not spend money on.

I am not a careless shop-a-holic. I think and think and think before actually plunking money down on something with two exceptions:

I will totally splurge on eating out.

I do it with ease.

I hem and haw about spending money on clothes but I can drop a wad on a great meal without batting an eye.

I have always thought that was sad, but if you only knew the memories and pure love of food that I have. (Well, I did weigh 280 at one point, so maybe it isn’t all that difficult to grasp after all.)

Splurge number two?

The grocery store.

There are still times that I am quite enchanted with being an adult. Sure, most of the “I am grown up and on my own!” rosiness has worn off but there are still times when I am in the grocery store that I think “I can buy whatever I want with the money that I have??!!!! SQUEE!!!!”

So, I am not often overly careful at the store. I don’t clip coupons, but I buy on sale if I can and I am always aware of good meat sales. If I can save I will, but not at the expense of getting what I want.

That said? I genuinely like a lot of generic products.

GENERICS I WUV:

Medication: I ALWAYS buy generic if I can. This is the area that I see the price difference the very most. The savings are huge and the product is great.

Maxi Pads: (Warning! Possible TMI ahead!) They work fine for me. I am not a Mount Vesuvius period girl, so it’s all good. I do buy name brand tampons, though.

Spray Bleach and cleaning products in general: Clorox charges twice as much for an identical product. I’ll stick with my $1 bottle, thanks. Same with glass cleaner and toilet bowl cleaner. (Exception: Dollar store cleaners are hideous. Just so you know. They do not count)

Hair care and styling products: I wouldn’t have put this on the list before, but since my awesome sister-in-law, Nooncy bought me the “Don’t go to the make up counter without me” and “Don’t buy hair products without me” books, I am just FINE buying drugstore shampoo, conditioner and products.

You wouldn’t believe how much easier it is to style my hair how I want because I have EVERYTHING. Waxes, sprays, gels, putty’s, leave in conditioners, creams, EVERYTHING. And it is all thanks to Garnier. Before I had these books I would plunk down 35.00 for one bottle of shine enhancer. Now I have one I LIKE BETTER and it cost me $3.00!

So? I can have tons of products now for the same price and I love it.

Cereal: This is a split category. There are some generic cereals that are acceptable like knock offs of Honey Nut Cheerios, Frosted Mini-Wheats, and Sugar Puffs.

Shoes: I LOVE good shoes. But I also find cute shoes at PayLess, too.

Bras: After finding the Hanes All Over comfort Bra, I don’t know if I’ll go back to VS except for special occasions. I heart them.

Salsa: I love WalMart’s Black Bean Salsa. I prefer it over all others, actually.

Milk: I prefer the cheaper store brand, actually.

Eggs: Same thing.

Pull ups: They worked totally fine for us and were much cheaper.

Dishwasher Soap: I have to buy the better stuff that contains jet dry now, because my dishwasher kinda sucks, but my parents have a rockin’ dishwasher and generic is fine.

Skin Care: I HEART WalMart’s Equate brand of skin care. They knock off some very good products by Olay, Nuetragena, ect. and they work as well has the original for SO much less. Next to medication, this is the biggest money saver in generics. According to Fussy, Equate also has a generic Eucerine version that is only $3 instead of $15 that I MUST check out.

Teeth Whitening Strips: By Eqaute. Yup. They work swell and it’s $15 vs $30.

Body Wash: They work just fine, although I do love the Olay uber moisturizing one and Bath and Body Works makes my heart sing.

Meat: This is a biggie for me. I have to buy chicken, beef, etc. from the butcher. I only buy Tyson as a last resort.

THINGS I WILL NOT SKIMP ON:

Ice cream: Since my gastric bypass, Ice Cream makes me feel sick, but I love it. SO, the rare times I indulge it had better be GOOD.

Soda: ONLY Diet Coke for me, thanks. Generic soda sucks.

Cereal: Lucky Charms, Rice Krispies and Golden Grahams all have to be name brand.

Laundry: I have to have Bounce fabric sheets. As for laundry detergent, Gain and Tide with Bleach, oh, how I Love Thee! Jonathan did pick up a box of Arm and Hammer when they were out of the size we like to buy and I have to say that I am actually liking it. It’s kind of strong, but hello? You are talking to someone who could snort the entire laundry aisle of the supermarket and die happy.

Peaches: I will never buy anything but Dole Plastic Bottled Peaches again. We are having a torrid affair, and I don’t see it dying down soon. Fruit in general, I have to buy name brand or it is icky.

Ketchup and Mustard: The generics usually suck.

Diapers: I have to have pampers for my babies. The others gave them rashes.

Spaghetti Sauce: UG. I can’t even think about it.

Bread: I have to have Grandma Sycamore’s. Dude, if Granny ever kicks the bucket I don’t know what I’ll do.

String Cheese: I cannot tolerate generic string cheese. It has to be the one with the illustration of the string cheese guy with wacky string cheese hair (I totally can’t remember the name and can’t find it online, so it is what it is.)

Lunch Meat: This.is.huge.for.me. Is there anything more disgusting than “Pressed Meat”? EWE.

I eat a turkey sandwich practically every day of my life for lunch and so I have to have good lunch meat. I would really prefer to get it at the deli counter, but for some reason my husband is on the opposite end of the scale in this argument. We have agreed to compromise on Oscar Meyer Roasted Turkey Breast and call it good.

I’m sure that there are many more things, but I’ll leave it at this for now.

SO? You? Do you have issues with generics? Do you love them with the power of a thousand burning suns?

Is it horrible to admit that there are times that I just don’t feel like writing? I mean, they don’t happen all that often, but happen they do.

Tonight is one of those moments.

I try to never let more than three days pass without posting (And really, I prefer daily or every other day) but tonight I am just so content in my real life that it almost seems sinful to open up my laptop. I had a lovely evening. Jon’s family came over and we ate, played games and watched one of the best movies of all time, “The Muppet Christmas Carol”.

After laughing and crying over those delightful muppet creatures, we watched “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” and Jon sang, “You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch” for everyone. He sang it at his company Christmas party last night. Well, we both sang.  Ever since she found out that Jonathan and I met in Chamber Choir at college, the receptionist has been trying to get the two of us to sing.

We finally gave it and did it.  We performed with a jazz duo, my sister in law who is a gifted jazz pianist, and an electric bass player. We wanted to show a range of styles so we did three traditional English carols, then we did the jazzy, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” and Jon soloed on the Grinch piece. He is SO freaking talented. You all should hear him. He won’t let me post the video, but he rocked the house and I think we sounded ok on our pieces.

We wrapped up the evening by playing Apples to Apples, a game of hilarity that every family should own.

It was so nice having family around.

After they left, Jon and I cleaned everything up and I finally got my house whipped into shape. I probably should have done it before the relatives came, but the day was a bit crazy.

Right now, my kids are happy, clean, full and sleeping. My husband is soaking in the tub and I am having a nearly perfect holiday moment.

It isn’t often that I am comfortable in the quiet of my own company, but this moment is an almost perfect experience.

My house is clean. The floors are swept, the furniture polished, and everything is in its place. The air still smells like the Wassail Jon and I drank after we cleaned the kitchen. All the lights are off, but the there is a lovely glow from many cinnamon apple candles and soft white twinkle lights strewn here and there in my living room. I have Christmas music playing and I’m stretched out on my couch wrapped up in a fluffy blanket clicking away on my new laptop.

If you could put Christmas in a box and open it, it would be my living room right this very moment.

I am not sure if there is a heaven or not, but if there is?

Please let it be like this.

There have been some setbacks in all of this life-improvement I’ve been doing.

There have been things that have really discouraged me. I missed my credit card payment and was assessed a late fee. I mean, seriously. I have like, two things I am in charge of financially and I have screwed up on it two months in a row. That makes me feel pretty inept. I have just had so much going on, I forgot.

I have also had a major laundry SNAFU that caused me angst. Pretty much everything that could go wrong with this load? DID.

I had been doing laundry all day and juggling that with well, everything else. I was just burned out from the day. The kids were difficult and we had just struggled through some really complicated homework for them both. I asked them to gather their laundry and I admit that I just wanted to be DONE and wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t dissolve the detergent in water like I normally do, I didn’t even check anything. I just threw the clothes in, scooped in detergent, pushed start and slammed the lid shut.

Problems with that?

For one, I forgot that I had just washed a load on “Small” and “Delicate” settings. And…I didn’t check the stuff the kids gave me other than it was all a dark load.

So…Not only do I have a half-damp, half-dry load of laundry with clumped on, hardened detergent, but I discovered that one of the pillowcases the kids gave me was COVERED IN CAT POO. And not a small amount of cat poo, either.

Yippee.

THAT clean up process was just no fun. No, not at all.

BUT!

I have had some really good things that have been happening, too! I feel so much more pulled together and in control. My kids and husband are happier and I am having the satisfaction of knowing that I am working hard and any “Down” or “Fun time” that I have is well earned. It makes it sweeter, somehow.

For the last few weeks I have been trying to make a daily goal of trying to tackle one area of my house and eradicate the clutter in it. The surfaces of my house are clutter magnets, especially because it’s so small and there isn’t a lot of storage. Also, because I am a cluttery, cluttery person. So far, I’ve gotten the two worst areas (My bedroom and the living room) under control. Well, actually the WORST area is my computer desk and office, but I am just not up for it right now.So…I’m happy with that.

I have also been able to keep up with dishes, laundry and general picking up. This “Clean as you go” has always been a toughie for me. I am used to being fairly lazy and then BAM!!! I clean, and clean and clean to a microscopic, scrub with bleach and a toothbrush level. To the point of exhausted burn out that takes quite a while to recover from.

I love cleaning sessions like that. It’s very therapeutic. I clean when I am totally pissed off and it makes me feel better.

The kids have had some hiccups in their schooling, but due to sticktoitivness, we’re back on track. I still love volunteering in the classroom, and I’ve been teaching them how to cook. While we usually eat together, I have been putting more effort into the meals that I serve.

It’s been good.

Family time has been good.

I wish that Jonathan and I had more time together. Alone, couple time. Jon has been working a ton of hours and I’ve been on my own till pretty late a lot of nights. It’s been ok. I have been in hermit mode so I don’t mind staying at home a lot more. Besides, it isn’t like I haven’t seen people. I’m going to lunch with a group of Cache Valley Bloggers, so that should be fun. I am also planning on getting together with my homies sometime this weekend.

Although…Maybe I should be more concerned with my mental state after allowing “Homie” to be anywhere in my vernacular.

My next task is to find a really good shampoo and conditioner. I have thin, frizzy, slightly wavy (As in, a totally unattractive way) hair. I know that this sounds like a lame thing to worry over, but there are SO many products out there. I have a site that I love that reviews makeup, skin care, etc. (Check my sideblog) but she states that she doesn’t narrow down hair products too much because there are so many good ones.  I was considering Bliss Supershine Shampoo, but I’m not sure.

Any suggestions?

I have been thinking about the subject of this post for quite some time. I have hesitated writing it because it may seem hypocritical or judgmental and that is the last thing I mean it to be. I am also not looking for compliments or reassurances, because lovely as that is, that is not the point of this post. I know I have good qualities, really I do! It is just that sometimes, you need to do some hard thinking and talking to yourself.

Lately, I find that I am at odds with myself. Shocking, I know. I’ve been in a place where I am analyzing everything about my life. When I analyze, I am pretty thorough. I say things to myself that would crumble me if they were uttered by someone else. See what I mean? I’m even analyzing my analyzing. Geesh!

What good is analyzing something if you don’t put those thoughts and revelations into some sort of action?

Action, especially efficient action, is not something that I excel at. Taking action often requires competition, whether with others, or yourself. I do not compete. DO NOT. I have more than a sneaking suspicion that this has something to do with a lot of choices I have made about my life.

When I was in high school, I got ok grades, if graduating with a 3.3 is considered ok, but I never studied. This pattern continued on through college and my career. It’s true that walking away from the life of an opera singer was the right call for me. I wanted a family and the life really sucks, but there was a huge part of me that knew that I could not bear the endless competition that it would require. I think that it is partially why I am inactive from the LDS church. A perpetual feeling of failure.

So? I don’t try.

If you don’t try, you can’t really fail, right? How bad could it hurt if I tried and failed?

Well, I know the answer to that one. It hurts a lot. I think a lot of you would be surprised at how scary and hurtful I find the world, how inadequate I feel. Then again, maybe you wouldn’t because I am in the habit of wearing that inadequacy like a badge of honor. A badge that weighs heavier and heavier on me every day.

Being a mother is so frigging hard. Being a homemaker makes me want to howl, shriek, and put a fork in my eye on a regular basis. My home on a great day is so much more cluttered and disorganized than most people. I am not a natural at mothering and struggle so much with keeping house. I think that my outlook on parenting has been to keep my head down, get through it, do the minimal basics and feel grateful if my kids stay in school and don’t become crack-dealers. Ok, maybe I am exaggerating somewhat, but seriously? There is a lot more I can do.

When I say I have just been in survival mode and doing the basics, I mean it.

I am not the worst mother in the world, but my kids deserve more. There have been periods of my life (Like my service as Parent Organization President) where even though I failed at times, I knew, KNEW in my heart I was giving my all! Even though those failures still hurt and stung, I had an overall feeling of peace because I was doing my true best. I do not have that feeling very often anymore. It is replaced with doubt, inadequacy, hurt feelings and guilt. Because I know I am not trying as I should.

To combat that guilt, I look for ways to feel justification. It’s pretty easy to do. All you have to do is go online and there are tons of people to commiserate with. There is rampant blogging trend going around that most people are familiar with-Taking pride in faults, failures and dropping the ball. Especially in our personal, home and mothering roles. “I’m a slacker!” “I dress like a slob every day!” “Failure, one day at a time!”.

I rejoiced in it!

Yay!!

These people understand!!!

This is someone who knows how hard it all is. They will accept me and be ok with the fact that I suck. They will commiserate about wearing pajama pants 24/7 and laugh about how the kids mixed cereal into pudding cups because there wasn’t any milk in the house. Oh, I have plenty of “Reasons” for perpetual failure. My house is so tiny! I have no storage!! It’s my personality!!! I raced around, reading everything, feeling better and better about my slobbish status quo. Even though I still berated myself about my failures, there was a whole lot of me that felt justified because person A, B and C had the same issues and they weren’t terrible people!

Somwhere along the way, I took having people who understood how hard it was to balance everything and turned it into justification for being ok with being a perpetual slacker.

I’m not sure when it happened but, slowly, ever so slowly, this mindset of mine has really started to bother me. It bothers me that somewhere along the way, I stopped taking pride in moments where I could aspire to be THIS. And started to accept THIS- Someone who celebrates being a slob and who stays like this (And this is key)the majority of the time. (And yes, it is a blatant shallow comparison that is focused on the physical. I wanted to use some photos to break up this frigging long post. Try to look beyond that and view the photos as representational of a much deeper issue. )Do I want to be a slacker? To be inept and helpless? Do I want to be a slob? Do I like the fact that a lot of people around me pat me on the head and give me a lollipop because I’m so adorably inept? And worse, that I have given them every reason to think that? Don’t I deserve to have more internal peace that I am doing the best I can?

Because this? This is not my best.

The light is finally starting to dawn that there is a fine line between being overly concerned and consumed with image and success and being too complacent with mediocrity and failure.

I write this with not one shred of smugness or superiority.

I’m one of the worst offenders out there. I tend to shout my flaws from the rooftops. Look at the name of this blog, for Pete’s sake. I started blogging after I checked myself into a hospital to help deal with the fallout of my son dying. I was incorrectly diagnosed as having bipolar disorder. That title stung and hurt. So, what did I do to deal with it? I told everyone, EVERYONE within ear or eye shot that I was a certifiable loon. “Loralee’s Looney Tunes”. If I called myself a crazy person first, it wouldn’t hurt me so much when other people did it, right?

This post isn’t a testimonial about the flaws and negative way of life I conquered and left behind me, either. I am just at the very first stages. Admitting it’s a problem. I’m writing this because I want to be better. I want to succeed! I want to know that I have times where I fail, and drop the ball and it’s OK because (YET AGAIN) it is the exception rather than the rule. There is nothing wrong with realizing that perfection can’t happen, but there is also nothing wrong with shaking off complacency.

I also know that people have different priorities. What bothers me may not bother you. If you wear pj’s all the time but are rocking at your mothering or job and have that inner peace, then great! I just know in my heart that I am holding myself back from what I want to be. What I could be with some more efficient effort.

So? What does this all mean, exactly?

Well, I’m not totally sure.

I know that there are some things that are bigger than me, things that will probably always get in my way, ways I will fail in huge, ugly ways, but does that mean that I give up in every area? Because that is exactly what I’ve done.

I do know that I want this change in my heart to last.

I want to do everything I can to not burn out with this feeling, go too fast or bite more than I can chew. I want to be steady, deliberate and not give up, which pretty much goes against my entire nature.

I can handle back sliding, but I am sick to death of doing nothing but slide deeper into complacency. I have already made huge strides in so many areas, especially with my kids. Jon and I are doing more teamwork about goals than we every have before. I’m looking at so many things and possibilities and most important, implementing them. Even if it is something oh, so tiny. Which, a lot of the times it is.

I’m hoping I didn’t hurt any feelings or come off as judgmental because I mean it to be encouraging and hopefully a bit inspiring. Hopefully you know me well enough to KNOW that I understand. I understand how sometimes? You just DON’T have it to give. That life circumstances or medical issues (And yes, I consider depression a medical issue) hold you back and down from living the full life you deserve. Unless it helps you through that muck, this post is NOT FOR THOSE PEOPLE.

This post wouldn’t have been for me, even six months ago and there will be times that come up that I probably won’t be able to remotely live up to it. In fact, I’m even going to give the same disclaimer to myself: Loralee! If you have things happen that are unavoidable and horrible (Because they happen. Oh, yes, they do.) and if you cannot deal despite all the trying and Diet Coke in the world and are punishing yourself by re-reading this, you can just close the window and walk away, Missy!

Just writing this “Jerry Maguire Moment” has taken courage, but I don’t look at that alone as success. I’ve said a LOT of things before that have lead absolutely nowhere. Still, stating it means I’m putting myself out there and opening myself up for failure and/or success. I’m competing and that is hard , even if it’s just with myself. Writing it here makes me accountable. Not just to me, but to you all. I really hope I don’t totally suck at it or give up. I don’t want to.

Having that desire? That feels good, my friends.

(**This is a positive post for me. Really, it is. Difficult to write, sure, but still a really good thing. I am not sure that this is clear so I’m clarifying)

**Edit-Or shall I say “Tons of edits”. This post has changed quite a bit from the original. I MUST call attention to the fact that I am also wearing my NEW GLASSES in this posts photo. Yup. I went with the “Naughty Librarian” pair. They rule. Now, I really must work on not tinkering with posts once they are up. You poor, pestered, feed readers! What I must do to you! I can’t help it, it’s like picking at a scab. Walk away from the keyboard, Loralee. Now. You can do it!

I know many of you will run shrieking from the length of this post. For those less drama-infused, you will just scroll down and let your eye take in a few of the more pertinent words in each paragraph. This is more a post written for me to look back on in future years and (Hopefully) measure my progress. You could just skip it, but you will be missing a ROCKING photo of me in sweats and tiara.

Don’t let the title of this post scare you. I’m not going to stand up on a desk and go all “O, Captain! My Captain!” on y’all, but I do want to talk about the phrase made famous by cardigan-clad Robin Williams. Continue reading →