ME:At work, probably wearing sweat pants, my ratty Simon & Garfunkle tshirt and an uncomfortable headset.

HETTIE:Very ancient and confused old lady with a gravely voice and think southern accent. Loves Jesus but drinks a little.

“Hello, blahblahblah.com. How may I help you?”

“Is this Jackie Turhune from somewherethefreakin Alabama”

“No, ma’am. This is “blahblahblah.com”.

“I need to speak to Jackie”

“There is no one named Jackie here, Ma’am”

“Oh. This isn’t 1-xxx-xxx-2255″

“No, Ma’am. This is 1-xxx-xxx-2555.”

“Oh. Okay”

Click

Ring…ring…

“Hello, blahblahblah.com. How may I help you?”

“Is this Jackie”

“No Ma’am. This is blahblahlbah.com.”

“I need to speak to Jackie Turhune from somewherethefreakin Alabama“

“Ma’am. You are dialing the wrong number. You need to dial 2255 and you are misdialing 2555.”

“Jackie isn’t there?”

“No, Ma’am. This is an online gardening center. I am an order desk.”

“Do you know Jackie?”

“No, Ma’am. I don’t. I am in Utah and Jackie is in somwherethefreakin Alabama.*”

“You know where Jackie lives?”

“Yes, Ma’am. You’ve told me the other 10 times you’ve called. You are dialing one digit wrong.”

“Oh, Okay.”

Click

Ring…Ring…

(Repeat this type of call about 5 more times, each time trying to explain why she is getting an order desk instead of Jackie)

“Hello, blahblahblah.com. How may I help you?”

“NO, MA’AM. YOU ARE STILL DIALING THE WRONG NUMBER.”

“Well, I only have one hand. They cut the other one off”

(Long pause. The drama queen in me wanted to know why the freak they would cut off a hand, but there was no way I could spend more time with this woman on the phone. Maybe a gator got it.)

“I am very sorry about that ma’am. Maybe you will have to wait to talk to Jackie until someone can dial the phone for you.”

“Are you sure Jackie Turhune isn’t there?”

“Yes. I.am.very.sure.”

“Could you dial that number for me?”

“No, ma’am I cannot dial the phone number for you.”

“Why on earth not?”

“Well, I am not an operator for the telephone company. I am also in Utah and you are in Buttfreakingbayou, Lousiana*. I would have to drive an hour to get to the Salt Lake City airport, fly to Lousiana, land in Shreveport, take two cabs a bus and most likely a riverboat to find your house, then dial the phone.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Click

Ring…Ring…

(Repeat a variation of THIS call about 5 MORE times. I am not exaggerating. AT ALL. By now most of my co-workers were gathered around me listening to the comedy that ensued.)

“HELLO! This is absolutely NOT JACKIE TURHUNE from somewherethefreakin Alabama. This is LORALEE from blahblahblah.com.“

“Is this Jackie?”

“NO! This is NOT JACKIE!”

“Could you give Jackie a message for me?”

“Ma’am I am not answering the phone for you anymore. Goodbye.”

Click

Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…Ring…RING…RING…RING! RING!! RING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hello?”

“Is this Jackie?”

“Why, YES! It IS! This is Jackie Turhune from Somewherethefreakin Alabama! If this is Hettie from Buttfreakinbayou, Lousiana, please rip up my number and never, EVER call me again!! Thank you!!!”

Click

No, I don’t work at this call center anymore, or anywhere anymore, but if Jon were to get hit by a bus tomorrow, this would pretty much be all I am qualified to do despite having more college credits than most PhD students. (And no. Just waltzing in and getting a degree in SOMETHING is not an option. It’s a long story.)

Yippee.

I’ve been thinking and worrying about it lately. It seems like everything I am good at is low-paying, non-paying or generally non-marketable. If I don’t think of something to do with my life, I’m going to be stuck having conversations like this forever.

*My apologies to any bloggity readers/friends from Somewhereinthefreak Alabama or Buttfreakingbayou Louisiana. No offense meant.

I can’t talk about the life-changing thing.

(Sorry, I hate it when people bring up things they can’t talk about on their blogs, but I needed to say something about it because I need to talk about it in SOME fashion or I would explode. This blog is also the journal of my life and I need to record it in some small way. Let’s just say that it is both necessary and sucks a duck, ok?)

I CAN talk about a couple of things that I am starting TODAY that are making me freak, though.

Today I start going to the gym.

This means that I am also on a 1,200 to 1,400 calorie a day regime.

Why?

I DO need to do it for my health. I always feel better when I’m working out.

BUT.

My primary motivations boils down to vanity and necessity, my friends.

I put back on some of the pounds that I lost last year to fit into this gorgeous (And custom-tailored) concert dress for my solo performance in “The Messiah”.

I am reprising that role again this year and if I don’t lose those pounds before the end of March I will be singing in front of an orchestra and audience buck nekkid.

(And I would really not like the audience’s eyes to start bleeding, so it really is best for all that I just lose the weight.)

My dress used to fit like THIS:

Currently, my dress fits like this.

I’m not shelling out hundreds of bucks for a new dress, so I suppose the only thing to do is get my heiny to the gym. Don’t worry, I will be safe and responsible. This is not extreme dieting. I still have a lot habits from doing this last year that have stuck, so I am hoping that it is easier.

AND!!!

As of today, I am also taking a break from Diet Coke.

(Yes, those were the sounds of Satan making ice cubes down in the formerly fiery pits of hell.)

No, I have not been abducted by aliens and given a mind transplant and an anal probe. No, my blog has not been hacked. No, this is not a vast right-wing conspiracy.

I.am.doing.this.

For the next 47 days I will attempt to be “Diet Coke Free”. (I can’t bring myself to say “I am giving it up forever”, so I’m just saying I am going to abstain until after my performances are over.)

I don’t know if I am completely crazy or totally brave.

To quote Victoria Beckham, “This is MAJOR.”

I love Diet Coke.

I drink a LOT OF IT A DAY. So much that it is both nauseating to normal people and embarrassing to me. So much that I can’t talk about exact amounts. It is my security, my friend, and my constant companion. I can always rely on it to be there.

It is probably my #2 obsession and addiction and I am going to feel like I’m missing a limb without it in my life.

Not that you need any convincing but just in case you are not grasping the “Bigness” of this decision, see photographic evidence:

Sigh.

Diet Coke, how I shall MISS THEE!

The next few days are not going to be pretty my friends, no not at ALL. I’m giving up Diet Coke, junk food, a lot of my non-junky-but-still-really-not-conducive-to-weight-loss-foods and there’s other stuff going on in my life.

I feel like Linus from Charlie Brown and I am giving up my blankie, but it isn’t just one blankie, it feels more like ELEVENTYHUNDRED BLANKIES.

I hope I don’t totally fall on my ass in front of you all. If I do, I will fess up. While I want to succeed, I’m sure there will be some falling off the wagon, but I need to be accountable to someone.

I have taken measurements and before shots, but I am just too wiped out tonight to post them.

Wish me luck.

Better than luck, if any of you have any low-calorie foods, recipes, snacks or work out tips, let me know.

I am going to need all the help I can get.

P.S.

I know that there are many of you who have significant weight struggles and are probably going ‘Oh, WAH for her, the big whiner!” I get that, I really do. Think of it more this way…I am more frightened about giving up the biggest obsessions/addictions in my life than any amount of weight I have to lose or exercise I have to go through. I need to be accountable to someone. I am not meaning to seem like a whiner or seem like my plight sucks because I have 6 weeks to drop a small amount of weight, really I don’t.

Thank you for understanding.

There have been things that have really discouraged me. I missed my credit card payment and was assessed a late fee. I mean, seriously. I have like, two things I am in charge of financially and I have screwed up on it two months in a row. That makes me feel pretty inept. I have just had so much going on, I forgot.

I have also had a major laundry SNAFU that caused me angst. Pretty much everything that could go wrong with this load? DID.

I had been doing laundry all day and juggling that with well, everything else. I was just burned out from the day. The kids were difficult and we had just struggled through some really complicated homework for them both. I asked them to gather their laundry and I admit that I just wanted to be DONE and wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t dissolve the detergent in water like I normally do, I didn’t even check anything. I just threw the clothes in, scooped in detergent, pushed start and slammed the lid shut.

Problems with that?

For one, I forgot that I had just washed a load on “Small” and “Delicate” settings. And…I didn’t check the stuff the kids gave me other than it was all a dark load.

So…Not only do I have a half-damp, half-dry load of laundry with clumped on, hardened detergent, but I discovered that one of the pillowcases the kids gave me was COVERED IN CAT POO. And not a small amount of cat poo, either.

Yippee.

THAT clean up process was just no fun. No, not at all.

BUT!

I have had some really good things that have been happening, too! I feel so much more pulled together and in control. My kids and husband are happier and I am having the satisfaction of knowing that I am working hard and any “Down” or “Fun time” that I have is well earned. It makes it sweeter, somehow.

For the last few weeks I have been trying to make a daily goal of trying to tackle one area of my house and eradicate the clutter in it. The surfaces of my house are clutter magnets, especially because it’s so small and there isn’t a lot of storage. Also, because I am a cluttery, cluttery person. So far, I’ve gotten the two worst areas (My bedroom and the living room) under control. Well, actually the WORST area is my computer desk and office, but I am just not up for it right now.So…I’m happy with that.

I have also been able to keep up with dishes, laundry and general picking up. This “Clean as you go” has always been a toughie for me. I am used to being fairly lazy and then BAM!!! I clean, and clean and clean to a microscopic, scrub with bleach and a toothbrush level. To the point of exhausted burn out that takes quite a while to recover from.

I love cleaning sessions like that. It’s very therapeutic. I clean when I am totally pissed off and it makes me feel better.

The kids have had some hiccups in their schooling, but due to sticktoitivness, we’re back on track. I still love volunteering in the classroom, and I’ve been teaching them how to cook. While we usually eat together, I have been putting more effort into the meals that I serve.

It’s been good.

Family time has been good.

I wish that Jonathan and I had more time together. Alone, couple time. Jon has been working a ton of hours and I’ve been on my own till pretty late a lot of nights. It’s been ok. I have been in hermit mode so I don’t mind staying at home a lot more. Besides, it isn’t like I haven’t seen people. I’m going to lunch with a group of Cache Valley Bloggers, so that should be fun. I am also planning on getting together with my homies sometime this weekend.

Although…Maybe I should be more concerned with my mental state after allowing “Homie” to be anywhere in my vernacular.

My next task is to find a really good shampoo and conditioner. I have thin, frizzy, slightly wavy (As in, a totally unattractive way) hair. I know that this sounds like a lame thing to worry over, but there are SO many products out there. I have a site that I love that reviews makeup, skin care, etc. (Check my sideblog) but she states that she doesn’t narrow down hair products too much because there are so many good ones.  I was considering Bliss Supershine Shampoo, but I’m not sure.

Any suggestions?