I don’t think that there is a human alive that doesn’t miss someone.
Most people have had someone they love pass away and even if they have been lucky enough to be sheltered thus far by death, you can miss people who have moved, or people that you used to be close to but are not any longer, love that has been broken and relationships that have altered or ended. Everyone has experience where the tense changes with those people and relationships. Where it goes from, “I know them well” to “I knew them well”, “I love them” to “I loved them”.
I think that is just a fact of life. Often you never stop missing them, you just get more used to it.
I also think that those who have died miss the family and loved ones that are still on the earth. I imagine that while they want them to have full, happy lives, they are as eager to be reunited with loved ones as those they left behind are.
I have to believe that because I know that I would want that. No sense of higher understanding and a heaven of perfect happiness could change it. I cannot BE perfectly happy without the people I love most and if I were to die today I would yearn for those I love and be anxious until we were all together again.
My Little Bug would have been six-years-old today.
He has had six birthdays and he never got to celebrate even one of them with us.
Every year on Matthew’s birthday my family chooses not to visit the cemetery where he is buried. We just went for Memorial Day and his birthday is a day that we all want to celebrate the joy that was our little redheaded boy. So instead, we go out and do something fun as a family.
This year we went out to lunch and then went to a matinee of Up, the new Pixar movie about an elderly widower who goes on an adventure after his wife of many years passes away. It is a wonderful, bittersweet movie that I highly recommend to everyone.
This birthday of Matthew’s is a lot like Memorial Day for me. I am so much more emotional, but the pain isn’t as acute as other years. I know this is because of the arrival of our Little Sweetpea, Aaron. He has brought so much healing to my little family and those who love and miss Matthew.
On the car ride home we discussed the movie with the boys and James remarked that there was a lot of sadness in the film. I told him that was the entire point of the movie; that even though you lose someone and it causes you pain and grief, you can still go on to find joy and happiness in life even though you are sad and miss the person that is gone.
Everyone was silent for a moment and then Christopher piped up, ‘I think that was the perfect movie to see for Matthew’s birthday. We all miss him but are so happy with our new little brother.”
I choked up and replied that it really WAS a prefect movie to go to today and saw tears gathering in my husbands eyes as he drove.
I thought about how joyous and happy our time has been since having a new little baby.
How full of happiness my heart is.
And even though I am so very, very happy?
I miss my son.
I miss my Matthew.
I will never stop missing him, I just think that I will continue to get used to it until everyone I love is all together again. Because even though we are so much happier? We are not a complete family without our redheaded little one.
Happy Birthday, Little Bug.
I love you forever and a day.