Dear (husband, family member, friend, school employee, driver on the road, Twitter peep, bloggity friend, lurker, blogitty person I don’t really know well, random stranger and/or McDonald’s employee),
I am sorry about our encounter (today/tonight). As you may or may not know, I am pregnant and am suffering from a wee bit of hormonal fluctuation.
I apologize for (arguing, yelling, swearing, crying, sobbing, and/or blowing snot bubbles in your presence) and/or any other various forms of hormonal induced, hysterical behavior that you witnessed. (If you were partially to blame for the situation today, read subsection 1. If you were a totally innocent and bewildered party in the face of aforementioned hysteria, please skip ahead to subsection 2.)
1. While I firmly believe that you are partially responsible for our altercation because you (locked the nozzle of the gas pump and made me spray gas all over myself and my friend, chewed out my son for not participating in gym even though he told you he was having asthma trouble, told me my political beliefs were stupid, stood me up for lunch without calling, sent me a completely uncalled for email that was hostile with zero provocation from me, peed in the parking lot at the 7-11 right in front of me and proceeded to TOUCH EVERYTHING IN THE STORE, tail gated me and flipped me off, or broke the damn ice cream cone machine at McDonalds when it was I wanted in the world at 3 am) and when you engaged with me you were (unsupportive, argumentative, or just a general asshat and/or fuckwad). Even though I feel like I am justified in being upset with your behavior I do feel that you did not deserve to be (yelled at, cursed, flipped off, ripped a new hole in front of your peers, put under unreasonable pressure given your life stress, sobbed at, and/or kicked in the shin.) and I apologize for my over reaction. That said, you still owe me an apology and ( flowers, make up sex, a phone call, and/or an ice cream cone) as well.
(Ok, I suppose that the McDonald’s ice cream cone machine being broken was not the fault of the McDonald’s employee, but did she have to sound so freaking GLEEFUL about it? And I’m kidding about the kicking in the shin thing. Sort of.)
2. You are not to blame for any of it. Your (Words, actions) were completely reasonable and I blew it way out of proportion and massively over reacted and I am very sorry for it. You were subjected to the ranting and ravings of a crazy person. I’m a handful on calm days when I’m NOT pregnant. Add hormones and worry to the mix and man…
I am under tremendous amounts of stress due to medical issues, relationship stress, job change, worry over health of baby, school change, insurance issues, and as previously stated-hormones. I am not dealing with it very well at all. I’m just a big, soon-to-be-rotund MESS right now and I am sorry about that.
I feel so very scared and so out of control. It feels like one moment I was fine and then I blinked and everything changed. I am worried out of my mind and the way that I usually cope with my emotions doesn’t seem to work. It’s kind of like waking up one morning and trying to function in a world where everything is suddenly written in Chinese.
I’m doing the best I can but man…it doesn’t seem like it’s enough.
Please accept my apologies and ignore anything I may have said regarding your mother and her temperament and/or sexual history.
P.S. I promise that I am not going to perpetually blog about my pregnancy nor my hormones. Pinky swear.
P.P.S. I want an ice cream cone.
P.P.P.S. It’s going to be a very long 9 months, isn’t it?