To answer a question to the curious: I didn’t drink at BlogHer because I don’t drink.

I did have a wee bit of a “Drinking phase” after my son died and I went inactive from the Mormon church. (Because when many of us Mormons go inactive we run around like crazed idiots a smokin’ and a drinkin’ and a sinnin’ , guzzling coffee and basically screaming to the heavens, “LOOK AT ME, GOD! I’M BUYING NAUGHTY, LICENCIOUS, THONG UNDERWEAR FROM VICTORIA’S SECRET!”, to prove just how inactive we are to everyone around us.)

Once I got over the whole “Bite me, God” phase of my grief process I realized that I am just not a drinker. I don’t like the taste, I wasn’t raised with it, and I certainly never built up a tolerance because I skipped all the younger drinking years where most people get it out of their systems.

My “Wild child” phase (or rather, “Wild advancing-aged woman” phase) did provide some interesting entertainment for my seasoned drinking friends. They took SUCH good care of me when I was plastered off my ass:

EVERY 30-year-old should wake up with a Sharpie mustache and penis drawn on their face. It’s awesome.

I also get very, VERY affectionate when drinking. The more plastered I get, the more affectionate I get. See this photo? I was pretty much drunk off my ass and must have thought my friend, Brigitte had a ball of mistletoe on her ho-ho-HO-ness somewhere.

Besides all the Tomfoolery with Sharpie markers and making out with people, I am also a TOTAL LIGHTWEIGHT. One whiff of alcoholic fumes and I do things like slide up to my male buddies and spew forth such enlightened phrases like, “If you were a Hobbit I would totally have sex with you RIGHT NOW!”

Yeah. I will NEVER live that down. (Nor am I sure that I should.)

(Side note to my beloved Jenny, The Blogess, just know that many years before the whole mythical Hobbit hub-ub, your friend Loralee’s Looney Tunes had Hobbit embarrassment as well. Hugs, you cuddly bundle of adorableness.)

Since I really didn’t want to chase Y,Oh! The Joys! and Backpacking Dadaround BlogHer yelling, “FRODO! SAMWISE!! GANDALF!!! SCREW THAT STUPID RING AND COME MAKE OUT WITH ME!!!” I thought abstaining from the booze would be best for everyone.

Instead, I gave my drink tickets to Heather B. It was totally worth it because 1: I got to touch Whoorl’s hair when she picked them up and 2: Dude, anyone who can drink wine from a Starbucks cup while getting serenaded by a chick from Utah and not run screaming from the premises is just cool. Angella and Ali didn’t have any wine when I sang so I don’t know what they hell THEY did to help them cope.

I gulped down diet soda the whole conference so I can’t really blame the demon liquor for what happened here:

Or here…

Now, can I?

Hot women with nose rings that live in Canada must just have a major thing for me and my dorky awesomeness, right?

Seriously though, I lurve these two ladies. When I met Shannon (aka “Mr. Lady” of “Whiskey in my sippee cup” fame) she backed up, squeeled and hurled her tiny little body at me so hard I threw my back out. It was the ultimate of all BlogHer tackles, believe me.

Tanis made me retake this photo because “Her hair was shitty” in the first photo. When Redneckmommy says to do something, DUDE…You DO it. Not that it was difficult. I adore Tanis with the power of a thousand burning suns. I’d adore her endlessly even if she wasn’t a mom that shared a lot of grief with me. Because of that, though? She’s my forever friend and in my heart always. I don’t mean to get all cheesy on you, but finally getting to meet her, talk to her about our boys in person and wrapping my arms around her (and her and her)was every bit as wonderful as I knew it would be.

Plus, there is that whole “Nipple piercing” thing she has going on. (Which I can now TOTALLY verify. Hee.)

There is so much that I didn’t document about BlogHer here. I figured people would start throwing things if I didn’t write a story that everyone could enjoy. (Ok, my family and inlaws will probably NOT enjoy this tale of debauchery penned by their relation Slutty McSlutterson. I’ve warned you all not to read me. It’s bad for your health, yo.)

Please don’t get owied feelings if our photo isn’t here or you aren’t linked to. I LOVE YOU ALL and if I ever manage to get more coverage out here on this ASS LONG TRIP I am in the middle of (Currently somewhere in the wilds of Idaho) to publish this drivel, I am planning on writing detailed captions and links on my Flickr photos because there are people and stories I want you to meet and read.

I’ll leave you with something kewel, though…
One of the best things that I ever did to prepare for BlogHer last year was to read blogs where they posted a list of every business card they were handed at BlogHer. And I am so going to do it myself this year. I added the list of BlogHer business cards to my linky love page and will leave them there until BlogHer ‘09. Go check it out.

While I loved all the making out, the cuddling, the groping and the laughing, I loved bringing home my swag to my sweet boys. (Including my husband, who is now wearing the sweet Zivio headset I snagged. This had better mean I am forgiven for being crappy in the wifely duties lately or I am SO taking it back!)

I”m in buttfreakingmiddleofnowhere idaho right now and am doing this whole post on a phone so forgive errors bad links and such ok?

*If you take this post or these photos too seriously, I may have to remind all y’all that you may not be reading the right blog for your temperament and sense of humor and/or morality. There was no tongue involved so get thine knickers out of a twist, ok? I’m just sayin’…

Today has basically been the equivalent of me sucking my thumb and rocking back and forth in the corner. Did I mention that I am sucking my thumb and rocking back and forth in the corner on top of a big ass pile of dirty laundry?

Because I am.

In about 24 hours I am supposed to have my house cleaned, laundry done, bills in order, car tuned up, and family packed to drive 15 hours to Seattle.

With my inlaw’s.

I’m taking clothing out of my suitcase from BlogHer, only to have to wash it and repack it all over again.

I know that my husband’s side of the family haven’t had a reunion since two months before we met (that would be TEN YEARS, people!) and I’m sure I will enjoy it when I’m there, but man…I really wish that we didn’t have to go.

I’m tired.

I’m tired.

Oh, and if you didn’t already know it…I’m tired.

There is no point to this post except to bitch and moan.

Boo.

P.S. I’m planning on writing my BlogHer post tomorrow night on the way. It will give me something to do.

P.P.S. I am also realizing that I didn’t take many photos AT ALL. If anyone has any photos with me in it, please let me know so I can snag (with credit of course). Or, if anyone has seen any photos out there that they can point me to.

P.P.P.S Except for the ones involving the strippers and the Shetland Pony. I think everyone is fine not seeing THOSE.

P.P.P.P.S. I’m totally kidding. You know that, right?

P.P.P.P.P.S RIGHT?????!

Note: I had so much to say about BlogHer I’m posting two segments. Part II will have most of my photos and will detail the funny stories. It’s titled: BlogHer ‘08 Part II: What can I say? Hot Canadian woman just keep making out with me!

(And you think I’m kidding.)

This is ass-long but you really should just read the damn thing. I will be quizzing you later, Sarah.

**

The first five minutes into my BlogHer experience, I thought about going home.

I snotted a booger on the dress of one of the best and biggest bloggers on the planet.

I had nightmares that some how, some way, I was going to electrocute Dooce when I mic wrangled the closing keynote session.

We’ll talk about all these things later, though.

I will state right now that I had one of the very best trips of my life. BlogHer ‘08 blew every expectation that I had out of the water. I loved it. I’ll write about all my squeeing, making out and funny stuff that happened in Part Two of my recap, but for today I want to talk about the challenges of attending a conference of this magnitude and craziness.

I’ve been reading BlogHer recaps for two years and there is always one common thread that pops up amongst the posts with photos of happy people and parties and hugging. Some people write that they did not have a good time. They felt awkward, ignored, or slighted or that BlogHer wasn’t what they thought it would be.

For whatever reason, their conference was lacking.

I haven’t read any posts like that yet, but I am making a preemptive strike here. I want to point out to those people who didn’t have the best time that BlogHer isn’t always a bed of roses for people who had a GREAT time.

(That would be me. In case you were wondering.)

After one of the sessions I mic wrangled (ie-ran around like a crazy person thrusting microphones at people who had questions for the panel speakers in different sessions), I was speaking with a blogger who seemed to be having a particularly unhappy experience.

She said, “It must be so easy for you here. Everyone seems to like YOU.”

Well, yes. I can see that. I am outgoing. I am bubbly. I stand out in a crowd and can be silly. I had a great time and there were a lot of people who seemed to like me just fine. Was this conference a cake walk for me, though?

HELL, NO!

I think that the end experience you have greatly depends on how you deal with the situations you are given. I have a hard time in this area in other areas of my life, but I knew there would be negative things thrown at me at this conference and I was determined to do my best to turn them around. It went really well. Here’s a list of examples:

The first encounter I had at BlogHer made me seriously consider turning the hell around to go home.

I flew in at the crack of dawn and tagged along with my roommate Scribbit on an video interview she agreed to do for 5 Minutes for Mom. I was scraggly, tired, and had managed to dump half a can of Diet Coke on myself during the plane ride. When we got there, there was a makeup/hair artist, wardrobe racks, a production crew and I was met by three gorgeous, immaculate women who were the equivalent of Vogue- pages one, two and three.

They were very polite but I just felt so damn intimidated and felt like I should have “INSIGNIFICANT HICK FROM UTAH” tattooed on my forehead. I thought, “If this is how the whole conference is going to go, I can’t do it. I can’t walk around feeling this frumpy and lame and stupid for four days.” Luckily, I met someone who knew me and was also planning on hanging out in jeans the whole trip so I was much more comfortable and could relax.

Later, I had the opportunity to meet up with Janice from 5 Minutes for Mom and I told her how intimidated I was of the whole experience. SHE WAS WONDERFUL. Janice and I were joined by Jenny of Absolutely Bananas (who I pink puffy heart) and we had great conversation for three hours.

If I hadn’t approached Janice, I would still have this intimidating image of her in my mind and she is so easy to talk to. I’m glad I took that leap. I just wish that I knew that the young 20-something blogger that was hanging around our table was attending HARVARD in the fall before going on and on about how I write about my hoo-hoo on the internet.

My volunteer duties as mic wrangler had rocky moments.

I did a LOT of mic wrangling for sessions. I was so nervous about it because I wanted to do a good job for an organization that has been so good to me. It was a hard job, but I would do it again in a heart beat. I loved it. What I did NOT LOVE was during my very first session, CONTROVERSIAL TALK RADIO STARTED BLASTING THROUGH THE SPEAKERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the midst of listening to a broadcast of political people saying things like, “Obama! You don’t know what the HELL you are talking about! You are an piece of poo in the flotsam and jetsam of the world’s sewage system!” I was frantically trying to figure out what the HELL was going on.

People were looking at me like I should know what I was doing and all I could do is give them a look that said, “I DON’T KNOW NOTHUN’ ABOUT FIXIN’ NO AUDIO SYSTEM, MISS SCARLETT!” and announce, “Never fear! I have a card with a telephone number to call!! YAY!!!!’

Problem? Number was out of service.

I played with some buttons and made it all much worse before the audio people finally showed up to save the day.

While I think I was sort of known as the Vanna White of mic wranglers and was really visible for the conference, I also looked pretty damn stupid some of the time.

I did some embarrassing things pre-conference and knew I would be running into the people involved.

Nobody likes to fess up to being an asshat. It was hard to do, but I found all of the people I had internet faux pas with and spoke to them. Every single situation ended up being good in the end. I don’t mean that I was ready to join the ya-ya sisterhood with all of them, but we all left on good terms and they were all understanding once I spoke to them and explained myself face-to-face.

I was a dork, scared, anxiety-ridden, insecure and felt intimidated a lot of the time.

While talking to the lovely Jess from Drowning in Kids, I turned around and found myself face-to-face with Schmutzie the fabulous.

In my head the introduction was supposed to go like this: “Well, hello, Schmutzie! My name is Loralee. Thank you for graciously featuring one of my posts on Five Star Friday. I am a fan of your wonderful website and that amazing birdie masthead that you designed.”

What came out of my mouth was garbled, high-pitched squeeing and “Oh! Oh!! Oh!!!-ing” that was accompanied by me pointing and jumping up and down while waving my name tag in her face.

Dorkish, indeed.

However, she was lovely and relating the experience to Some of us are clowns put her at ease because she felt HER introduction to ME didn’t go “as planned”, either!

I was scared to start talking to people I didn’t know. I made myself and it was great. Striking up a conversation about blogging platforms makes waiting in line to pee so much more enjoyable.

I was anxiety-ridden about my blog. I often had thoughts that my blog was “just a personal website”. One morning my roommates and I were at breakfast with a bunch of people from a global PR marketing firm. My roommates are an impressive lot of people. Plus, they are all gorgeous. Just look at them:

Besides being hotties, they are also quite accomplished in the bloggity world. Introductions went like this:

“My website is Scribbit, a one-author site that functions like a web magazine. I run my own advertising and am looking different ways to expand my business opportunities.”

“Hello, I am Amber. Aside from my personal website, I am the creator and editor of Mile High Mamas, a blog magazine that is sponsored by the Denver Post.”

“I’m Jill of Glossy Veneer. I have been blogging since 2001 and also have a website that chonicals my participation in a marathon to help lukemia research.”

Then it was my turn.

“HI! I’m Loralee! I write about my ta-ta’s on the internet!”

I am super awesome.

However, it made people laugh, which makes me happy, so I was good. I just embraced my blog and realized that I love it even if it doesn’t look as good on paper as some. I LOVE my roommates. We had the best time together.

I didn’t let my anxiety stop me from showing of my ‘Stellar’ dancing skillz. Even though there were only about 5 of us busting a move to sucky music on the dance floor. we had fun. If I had been drinking it would have made the situation a little bit less painful but I got to get a photo with Moosh In Indy, V Dog and BOSSY, and I had a great time, so it’s all good.

Intimidation was probably the biggest issue I had that was getting in my way. In a way it led to one of the most embarrassing but WONDERFUL moments of the whole trip:

I found myself in a puddle of tears surrounded by a semi-circle of some of the most amazing and well-known bloggers out there (who also intimidated the living hell out of me before BlogHer) and I also managed to snot a booger on the dress of a blogging goddess of the internet.

This moment sort of saved me and my blogging life. My favorite session of the whole conference was about “Taking back Naked Blogging”

The reason I went is that it was led by Sweetney and I had a question for her. I knew if anyone knew the answer it would be her, but I am the type that is way too gun shy to send her an email. So, I went to the session.

It was amazing.

It was one of those “What happens in this session STAYS IN THIS SESSION” so I will not go into detail, but I asked a question and found myself breaking down and sobbing. I am the most overly dramatic person on the planet but it takes a whole lot to actually make me cry.

And cry I did.

Big, fat, mascara-ridden tears kept coming and coming and coming. Thankfully, Jen and Tonica and Ink thinker had tissue and LeahPeah gave me chocolate. Backpacking Dad and Mr. Lady were wonderful as was the blogger wearing black whose business card I lost.

Before this conference I was down right SCARED to talk to a short list of specific bloggers. I was scared because while I know that I have talent and intelligence and excel in a lot of areas, the face and public side of me is very silly.

While being extremely theatrical, silly, and extroverted can be a plus a lot of the time, it can also make you look like a big dork to people of a more serious nature.

These are such strong, wise, blunt women who write damn well and really know their stuff and I was worried that they would see me as this dorky, flighty, silly person who well…worries and is insecure about coming off as dorky, flighty and silly. (If that makes sense.)

I even made a list of six women and made a goal that at some point I would try and introduce myself to them. Because I don’t want to feel intimidated. They certainly don’t make me feel that way, it is MY problem and my problem to resolve. I really wanted to tackle my fear because well…that is what I do with fear. I tackle it. Why the hell do you think I jumped out of a plane?

After the session, I looked up to see Sarcastic Journalist, Sweetney and Her Bad Mother standing in front of me with kind looks on their beautiful faces. Without dripping sap all over you…damn. These women were so kind. Generous. Helpful. HUMAN. Especially Tracey and Catherine. I just can’t even illustrate in words how much they helped me and how kind they were.

It helped to know I wasn’t alone and that all of them knew exactly what I was talking about and they didn’t see me as silly or flighty or spineless, just as another human out there that was looking for help, advice and understanding.

It made me smile and cry harder at the same time.

Someone I was crying too hard to notice before squeezed my right arm and said, “My mom always said, “Amy, when you have tough situations you just pull yourself up by your big girl panties and keep going!” and then she handed me her card.

I laughed, squeeked out a “Thank you”, asked if I could blog that her mother told me to pull myself up by my big girl panties and watched in horror as a small piece of booger flew from my nose onto her striped maternity sun dress.

No one seemed to notice and I was relieved that this fabulous blogger named Amy would never know that the snotting blogger she was so kind to left a genetic piece of the action on her dress.

I looked down at the card.

It was cute.

It was pink.

It was from…AMALAH.

Oh. THAT Amy.

Dear God above. I JUST SNOTTED A BOOGER ON THE DRESS OF AMALAH! ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME BLOGGERS ON THE PLANET!

Way to go, Loralee.

It made me cringe. Then I got over it. She was so nice, I’m sure she’ll forgive me. They were all so wonderful and in one fell swoop I saw all the crap and perception of big bloggers and smaller bloggers fall away. We’re all just people who blog. Or better yet? We’re all just PEOPLE.

It was such a great moment. I’ll never forget it.

And finally…

Crazy Blogging Canuck made me eat bacon mints.

They SUCKED. At least I wasn’t alone. Velveteen Mind had to eat them too.

In conclusion, I went into BlogHer DETERMINED to have a good time. I tried as hard as I could to walk away feeling positive. If I felt like an ass, I went and talked to the person I was an asshat in front of. If I was scared of someone I went and talked to them and tried to get that feeling to go away. If I was an idiot and forgot someone’s name I tried to tell them it wasn’t because they weren’t great, it was the limitation of my brain. If I felt neglected or if I didn’t connect with a blogger I was hoping to meet, I tried my best to remember that it was a crazy trip, people are human and sometimes things don’t work out.

I know that this doesn’t always work. Sometimes the “Oops!” is too big or the person you are dealing with just isn’t going to change their mind about the situation, but my point is…TRY. Then try AGAIN.

Oh, and get your ass to BlogHer ‘09. I WILL SO BE THERE.

It was bound to happen sooner or later.

The crappy “P” word that most bloggers get hit with from time to time. You know, that word that means that content you have thought about, slaved over, and typity, typity, typed until your typer was sore was taken and put forth as someone else’s work and glory.

Yup.

PLAGIARISM.

I woke up today to information that my post on blogging jealousy had been copied, cut, tweaked slightly and pasted on the site of Miss Maria Francesca Ditas Chantal Cristina Molina. (You can all call her, Mia. Or “Coffee Girl”. )

See a staggering similarity?

Some people are of the mind, “I am not going to send you to their site because I don’t want to give them traffic.” Which is a fine attitude to have, but frankly, I could care less about that. Go if you want. Don’t send death threats or anything, and if you do chastise her, your comments won’t see the light of day as they are all moderated. I would hurry, though. I fired off a comment demanding that she take it down.

If she doesn’t?

Lorelle has EXCELLENT ideas for going after someones ass when they steal content. And girlfriend left plenty of information (which I have copied and saved) to find her. Dude, don’t piss me off, people. I am the most loveable person on the planet until you cross THAT line. Then? I turn into a monster of rage and storming death that flings her unteathered bosoms and wrath at lame gas station attendants while wearing pajamas and a fugly hairdo. (For the record on this post? Judy still sucks. Just in case you were wondering.)

The immature part of me wants to egg her car and toilet paper her house. Hopefully, I will calm down and realize I am 33 instead of 12 and refrain from doing so. Heh.

Seriously though, it makes me feel more than a little upset that this person has a lecture and a Creative Commons button right at the tip top of her page chastising people about stealing content!

And apparently, she is going to be a lawyer.

Balls of brass, this one has.

Let me get something straight: I NEVER MIND PEOPLE WHO REPUBLISH MY WORK WITH PERMISSION, CREDIT AND LINKS ATTACHED. I also never mind people who “Copy” an idea. I have a post and they want to take the ball and run with it, too. That is beyond flattering.

Also? When I first started blogging and was clueless about the internet I didn’t understand intellectual property in regards to photos and art clips. I was stealing without meaning to. Once I learned? I try damn hard to never, ever do it. However, I have known since the age of 5 that copying other peoples written work and passing it off as your own is wrong, wrong, wrogity wrong.

THIS?

Is theft.

Pure and simple.

No if’s and’s or but’s about it.

I hate that my words have been taken and bastardized.

I almost feel like I have caught someone trying on my underwear.

It’s an icky feeling, people.

ICKY.

My husband is a lecturer.

I suppose he can’t help it, because the man literally knows almost everything that there is to know about how things work and grasps the mechanics of things that make my head spin in the blink of an eye.

He is scarily intelligent.

That said, if he tells me one more time that I have loaded the dishwasher incorrectly I will take my super-sized box of Cascade and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine.

Sometimes he treats me like I am two and it pisses me off.

THAT said, sometimes I ACT like I’m two, so I don’t know how much I can really blame him.

THAT THAT said, if he decides he wants to get down and jiggy with his wife at bedtime and if that wife happens to put her laptop on the floor next to the bed in a not-so-gentle manner to accommodate him, it probably isn’t the best idea to start the lecturing process at that exact moment.

“You know, you really shouldn’t ever set your laptop down like that. (INSERT much BLAH, BLAH, BLAHING on proper laptop storage and placement here). If you don’t take good care of your things it will lead to a very poor outcome for it and you.”

“You know, you really shouldn’t ever lecture your wife when you’re trying to cop a feel. It will lead to a very poor outcome for you and your manly bits.”

**Did you enter to win an Amazon gift certificate? If not, click here and leave a comment! THE GIVEAWAY WILL CLOSE MONDAY, JULY 14th at SIX PM (MST)

Wanna chance to win an Amazon.com gift certificate?

I thought so!

Today is Christopher’s 9th birthday!
(Click on the collage to read notes in individual photos if you’re curious)

Happy Birthday, Christophee! Mom loves you to infinity-plus-infinity-plus-one!

This giveaway is in honor of my little guy’s birthday.

Occasionally I will let my boys on my blog to see what I have written about them. I find myself writing about them less and less to protect their privacy, but any time I do tap out a little story or saying about them they LOVE it and keep checking back to see how many comments their stories generate. I thought I would try to tickle him to death by attaching a giveaway contest to his birthday post SO. (Blatant bribery for you all? Yah, pretty much. What can I say? I like making my kids smile.)

The rules are simple: Wish him a happy birthday and make up an awesome “Birthday Wish” for him. (Remember, a 9-year-old will be reading these so please keep it PG.)

I’ll randomly draw from the comments Monday, July 14th at 6:00 PM (MST)and the winner will get a $25.00 gift certificate to Amazon.com (Or any other online store that I can email a gift certificate to!).

I know it is no wii fit giveaway, but that is the downside of not being the reader of an mega A-lister, I suppose. (Hee.)

I was walking with my family in the store after making birthday purchases for the boys. Their birthday’s are a month apart so they are both getting new bikes and “Rock Band” for the wii.

On the way out of the store, James was walking beside me. He made an over-exaggerated yawn, stretched and put his arm around me. Then made a triumphant “Yes! Cha-Ching!” motion with his arm and fist.

I raised my eyebrow questioningly and gave him a “What was THAT?!” look that I have gotten so good at since birthing him almost 12 years ago.

“I’m practicing, Mom. I want to have smooth moves in my dating years.”

Duh. Because THAT should have TOTALLY occurred to me.

***
Getting 13 hours of solid sleep and having my dad be ok has helped tremendously. I also finally looked at the Community Keynote Speaker list and was very happy to see Casey, Mr. Lady, Heather B. ,Y and The Bloggess,on the list.

To them, I say:
CONGRATULATIONS! I have expressed my adoration for all of you and love your guts. I hope you also know that I AM happy for you. I just had a nuclear disaster of a couple of days and needed to explode cry and get my shiz back together. (Yes, I said “Shiz”. I think I used up my entire potty mouth quota for the year in that previous post.)

The good news is all that crying made me lose 6 lbs. Sweet.

I hope my rant (if you saw it) didn’t make you uncomfortable. If it did, I’m sorry. I plan on tackling you all at BlogHer. Just so you know.

‘Nough said.

My dad is out of surgery. His heart stopped twice but he is ok. Over all recovery will take months and then, yup. More surgery. Thank you for everything. I turned comments off on the previous post, but honestly…The words you sent have helped. Thank you for understanding it is not so much the rejection (although that would have been icky no matter what) as the subject matter that was rejected.

In short? Thank you for understanding ME.

You are lovely.

(Oooh! Bright spot! I just recalled that I have an entire Pepridge Farms double fudge cake in my freezer! I’m going to take it, a fork and curl in the fetal position.)