I’ve had chronic back pain for the past two decades. Due to being thrown from a horse, a car accident and a degenerative disk, my back is pretty messed up. While I’ve had bouts of back pain severe enough to land me in bed on pain killers a few times a year, I have managed to stay mostly pain medication free and manage ok without any serious treatment or surgical intervention.

Until now.

As some of you know, I have been having pretty bad back and SI pain for the last couple of months. I have been pretty much bedridden with it. And outside of that a lot of things in my life have kind of fallen apart at the same time. I have been pretty quiet online because what am I going to say? Whine about how much back pain sucks?  Talk about how pain killers can make you vomit, and make your injury worse? Cry about how much I want to play around with Butterlump and can’t because it hurts too much?  Bitch about my life? That gets totally old, totally fast and really, I doubt many of you want to hear about the unbelievable crapload of TV shows I have watched in the past few weeks. (Although you should totally check out the remake of Sherlock Holmes they run on Masterpiece Mystery after Downton Abbey Sundays on PBS. TOTALLY AWESOME.) they had on WE. I have been hoping and praying I will get better and get out of this bed but despite a lot of rest in bed and being on painkillers and all the other treatments I usually have had success with over the years, I haven’t been getting better.

And then today happened.

There has been a lot of change in my life lately. Some good, some not so good and some that are probably for the best in the long run but are just difficult and painful in the short term. One of the few things that I still have that is the same in my life was singing in the choir I belong to.  I agreed to head up their social media committee along with my friend, Ben. Y’all might remember that he played the extremely convincing janitor in the flash mob we put together for the holidays. 

Ben has been doing the lion’s share of the work for the social media committee lately, but I have been trying hard to keep choir in my life because I really need something in my life to stay the same. Singing not only gets me out of the house but it utterly fills me with joy. (I am likely going to have to take another sabbatical from it and the thought breaks my heart…we are doing The Messiah and it is my favorite musical piece to perform in the world.)

Ben came over to my house today to work on a project for the social media committee. Before he came over I tried to put on a pair of jeans and it was so painful I had to stop. I had Jonathan help me put a pair of scrubs on instead and I hobbled downstairs to meet him when he rang the door.  I warned him that I was in pretty bad shape but he had back surgery a few years ago and he knows how bad it can be.

I went to sit on the couch and that is when…something happened.

My pain went through the roof.

Searing, horrible, awful pain.

AWFUL.

To a level of pain that I fell on the floor screaming obscenities on the floor in front of a guy I don’t know that all that well and sobbing my guts out because it hurt to even breathe. I have not experienced something to that level without being in hard labor without an epidural. I feel totally embarrassed that it happened in front of Ben but he had back surgery a couple of years ago and he was an ENORMOUS help to me and my husband helping to get me moved. Having been in that kind of pain, he knew the least painful ways to move me. 3.5 hours after it happened, lots of pain killers and heat packs later I am finally able to lay still without total agony.

But if I move, it is awful.

I fear that today has become a game changer and what I have dreaded and feared for so long is here.

Jonathan is calling my doctor on Monday and telling him the time has come to get an MRI.

We both have a feeling that I am going to have to have surgery. The doctor I spoke to on call felt that was probably the most likely outcome with my history and the symptoms I have going on right now.

To complicate matters, my husband is self-employed and I don’t have insurance. So, whatever we do is going to come out of our pockets.  But Jonathan is firm that we need to do what we can to get me better. I am only 37. I can’t live like this. I was crying to him that I was worried about something going wrong but as Jonathan pointed out, it CANNOT get worse right now. And he’s right. Breathing hurts. It can’t get worse.

And as for the cost of it, well…it is what it is.

We’ll just have to make it work. We have had huge medical bills before and know all about payment plans. I am grateful beyond words that this didn’t happen before we got into our beautiful house. I DO see the positives in my life. I just feel so awful. I want to feel better. I want to make my life better.

In ALL ways.

Because I am not happy the way that things are right now.

So, there we are.

There is a big part of me that hopes the MRI will happen and there is another option for me.

We’ll see.

xo

P.S. One thing that makes the world a bit brighter is getting a box in the mail FULL of my favorite candy in the world from one of the best people in the world. 

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.” – Kurt Vonnegut

I got added to a group on Facebook this week.

This year is my 20th high school reunion.

Let me repeat that.

THIS YEAR IS MY 2oth HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

I simultaneously wanted to marvel that time flies by so fast and curl in the fetal position and throw chocolate at myself.

As messages flew back and forth on the Facebook wall, the student body officers for our class announced the location and date and it turns out that it is smack dab in the middle of BlogHer. BlogHer is THE blogging conference that I always go to. Even though I don’t have a job any longer and we have a lot more expenses with the new house, I was still going to move hell and high water to make it to Mom 2.0 and BlogHer this year.

The dates aren’t the only things conflicting…my feelings about what to do are as well.

High school was not great for me.

I mean, I looked like this:

While being fat likely saved my virginity in high school, it really wasn’t an overly awesome trait for winning friends and influencing people, you know?

However, I am not convinced that high school is great for most people. I think that during the hormone-crazed and awkward-as-all-get-out-years you’re known as ‘teenager’, people for the most part just try to survive.

When I saw the conflicting date I thought, “Oh, well. I will be in New York, so I’ll send my regrets. But hey, at least this way I won’t spend the next 7-months dieting and convincing myself that Botox probably isn’t THAT bad or expensive so THINK OF THE SILVER LININGS, LORALEE!”  Heh.

But as I kept thinking about it, I had to admit that I am curious about my reunion and part of me really wants to go. I didn’t attend my 10-year reunion and I wonder how everyone turned out. I think a lot of people analyze themselves at reunion time. Most spruce up or try to lose weight and wonder about how they will measure up to others.

I didn’t have a ton of close friends at my high school but I did have some and they were great. And I have had enough people that I have caught up with on Facebook that I wouldn’t feel like a total loner if I attended. I have aged pretty well and even though I probably won’t have another job in place by the time I attend, I am pretty happy with my life and don’t feel like there is anything to feel embarrassed about or to try to overcompensate for. When I was much younger, I’d think about seeing my classmates and have a lot of anxiety. But, that is gone for the most part.  I think that most people have done what people do, which is mature and become lovely adults that I would likely enjoy socializing with very much.

But BlogHer is the biggest and most important conference that I attend. And I will miss seeing so many of the people  that I truly love. As a final add in, Jonathan was going to go to New York with me for BlogHer this year and we were both looking forward to it very much. He is totally supportive of any decision I make and pointed out that with the reunion in Park City, we could still have a lovely few days away from home. I’m pretty sure he’ll be happy with either decision as long as he gets laid at some point during the weekend.

So there you have it: BlogHer in New York or Bountiful High School class of ’92 in Park City, Utah.

Hmm…decisions, decisions.

What would you do if you were me?

Telling a reporter from The New York Times that I needed to hang up the phone in the middle of our interview because my toddler was standing in the doorway naked, covered in black Sharpie marker and sporting a shaving cream Mohawk is one of the more interesting things that has happened in my life.

It’s been a REALLY interesting day, people.

Remember that last post of mine? The one where I told you all that my life seems to have both very bad things and very good things happen all at once?

Today has been an excellent example of that.

It certainly did not start off well.

As some of you know, the last month has been riddled with a whole lot of stressful, bad, and painful things. I’ve felt like I haven’t had a moment to catch my breath and get up from one disaster before another one smacks me down again.

I woke up this morning feeling awful due to horrible back pain.  I don’t know any of you suffer from chronic pain, but it is awful. Butterlump has been having a hard time during the night since we moved. He often wakes up crying and frightened because of nightmares and last night I was up and down with him a lot. Lifting him up and down and sitting to rock him for a lengthy amount of time took a toll on my back and I woke up feeling like I had been thrown out of a train. Then run over by a tractor. Then peed on by the guy driving the tractor.

I had to take a couple of pain pills and had to wait for them to kick in before I was able to get up. I felt frustrated and glum and was going all Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, ‘I think I’ll move to Australia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ day in my head.  (Moving to Australia sounds so nice right now. It is warm, and sunny, and full of awesome accents, crocodile hunters, Hugh Jackman and enough cool things that I am willing to overlook the fact that it is also the birthplace of that foul-tasting, sludge-in-the-bottom-of-the-oil-can looking substance called Vegemite. How people manage to choke that stuff down eludes me, dudes.)

So anyway, my day was not off to the best start.

THEN I checked my email and my outlook vastly improved.

I had back-to-back interviews with Parents Magazine (Who I am thrilled to work with again. I loved the way the article about my visit to The White House turned out.)  and then with The Times.  

Parents Magazine spoke to me about a blog post I wrote about having a favorite child and The Times wanted to speak to me about my amazing visit to McDonald’s USA headquarters with my family and the wonderful working relationship that I have be privileged to have with them ever since. The article in Parents Magazine is set to come out in a year or so and The Times is being published in a couple of weeks or so. I am not sure if I will be included in the story but being interviewed by The New York Times is simply one of the greatest honors and thrills of my life. Since my father spent his entire career as a newspaper man, I have been reading them since I was very small.

Both of the journalists that I spoke to were simply delightful and I had a great time. I think I avoided saying anything too idiotic, but this is also the chick who smelled marijuana smoke for the first time while walking with friends outside of the dorms in college (I was pretty sheltered growing up) and proclaimed, “That’s marijuana? Dude…that stuff smells like burning weeds!” (Yeah. I know.) so I will probably remain nervous until both are published and I see if I made the cut and which quotes were used.

After my interviews, my back felt well enough to drive into Logan to go to a board meeting for The Social Media Club of Cache Valley. It was only the fourth time that I’ve left my house since Christmas. I seriously feel like I am two steps away from becoming a shut in that owns 20 cats and orders everything from the JC Penney’s catalog, dudes. The meeting went well. We are all such good friends and it was so lovely to see everyone.  It cheered me up so much and I am grateful I was able to get through it.

I even had enough stamina to swing by to see my new friend, Annaleee.

Did I mention I made a new friend?

Well, I did!

I met Annalee at the gas station that I go to when I want to imbibe in ‘The Dark Waters’, otherwise known as Diet Coke. I pulled up to the drive thru window and she said, “Are you Loralee?!” She has been reading my blog for a long time and she just moved back to Cache Valley after living away for a long time. She knows my beloved friend, Brigitte, and so I invited them both to my house for lunch and we were instant friends. We have A LOT in common. We have both lost babies, we have so many similar things that have happened to us it’s crazy…we even have the same blood clotting disorder (Leiden V factor). I feel truly blessed that we have become friends.  I have been very distraught and sad since my BFF Kim left Logan to move to Texas a year ago. I still have wonderful friends in the valley but I have really missed having a friend that lives by me that can understand what it is to have lost a baby and go through some of the things I have. No one is a replacement for my Prairie Mama, but Annalee is just great and I am so happy she recognized me at the gas station and that we have become friends.

My night is set to be a happy one as well. Jonathan is working late tonight so I am ordering a pizza and have a pint of Ben & Jerry’s with my name on it. AND I am FINALLY going to watch the movie, Driving Miss Daisy. How it is that I have a vagina and went 37-years on the earth and love shows like Matlock, Murder She Wrote, The Golden Girls and Designing Women, yet have not seen this movie is totally beyond me, but I am finally rectifying that situation. (Don’t be hating on the old people television shows, people.) (Or Air Supply.) (Or Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow, while we’re at it.)

And saving the best for last…BUTTERLUMP WENT TO THE POTTY ALL BY HIMSELF TODAY! I didn’t ask him, or help him or anything. He handled it himself from pulling down his pull ups to flushing and washing and drying his hands!

(And yes, it truly is the BEST part of my day. Y’all have no idea how much potty training and I do NOT get along.)

So, there you have it.

You just don’t get better than days like today.

Even in Australia.

;)