There have been things that have really discouraged me. I missed my credit card payment and was assessed a late fee. I mean, seriously. I have like, two things I am in charge of financially and I have screwed up on it two months in a row. That makes me feel pretty inept. I have just had so much going on, I forgot.

I have also had a major laundry SNAFU that caused me angst. Pretty much everything that could go wrong with this load? DID.

I had been doing laundry all day and juggling that with well, everything else. I was just burned out from the day. The kids were difficult and we had just struggled through some really complicated homework for them both. I asked them to gather their laundry and I admit that I just wanted to be DONE and wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t dissolve the detergent in water like I normally do, I didn’t even check anything. I just threw the clothes in, scooped in detergent, pushed start and slammed the lid shut.

Problems with that?

For one, I forgot that I had just washed a load on “Small” and “Delicate” settings. And…I didn’t check the stuff the kids gave me other than it was all a dark load.

So…Not only do I have a half-damp, half-dry load of laundry with clumped on, hardened detergent, but I discovered that one of the pillowcases the kids gave me was COVERED IN CAT POO. And not a small amount of cat poo, either.

Yippee.

THAT clean up process was just no fun. No, not at all.

BUT!

I have had some really good things that have been happening, too! I feel so much more pulled together and in control. My kids and husband are happier and I am having the satisfaction of knowing that I am working hard and any “Down” or “Fun time” that I have is well earned. It makes it sweeter, somehow.

For the last few weeks I have been trying to make a daily goal of trying to tackle one area of my house and eradicate the clutter in it. The surfaces of my house are clutter magnets, especially because it’s so small and there isn’t a lot of storage. Also, because I am a cluttery, cluttery person. So far, I’ve gotten the two worst areas (My bedroom and the living room) under control. Well, actually the WORST area is my computer desk and office, but I am just not up for it right now.So…I’m happy with that.

I have also been able to keep up with dishes, laundry and general picking up. This “Clean as you go” has always been a toughie for me. I am used to being fairly lazy and then BAM!!! I clean, and clean and clean to a microscopic, scrub with bleach and a toothbrush level. To the point of exhausted burn out that takes quite a while to recover from.

I love cleaning sessions like that. It’s very therapeutic. I clean when I am totally pissed off and it makes me feel better.

The kids have had some hiccups in their schooling, but due to sticktoitivness, we’re back on track. I still love volunteering in the classroom, and I’ve been teaching them how to cook. While we usually eat together, I have been putting more effort into the meals that I serve.

It’s been good.

Family time has been good.

I wish that Jonathan and I had more time together. Alone, couple time. Jon has been working a ton of hours and I’ve been on my own till pretty late a lot of nights. It’s been ok. I have been in hermit mode so I don’t mind staying at home a lot more. Besides, it isn’t like I haven’t seen people. I’m going to lunch with a group of Cache Valley Bloggers, so that should be fun. I am also planning on getting together with my homies sometime this weekend.

Although…Maybe I should be more concerned with my mental state after allowing “Homie” to be anywhere in my vernacular.

My next task is to find a really good shampoo and conditioner. I have thin, frizzy, slightly wavy (As in, a totally unattractive way) hair. I know that this sounds like a lame thing to worry over, but there are SO many products out there. I have a site that I love that reviews makeup, skin care, etc. (Check my sideblog) but she states that she doesn’t narrow down hair products too much because there are so many good ones.  I was considering Bliss Supershine Shampoo, but I’m not sure.

Any suggestions?

I know many of you will run shrieking from the length of this post. For those less drama-infused, you will just scroll down and let your eye take in a few of the more pertinent words in each paragraph. This is more a post written for me to look back on in future years and (Hopefully) measure my progress. You could just skip it, but you will be missing a ROCKING photo of me in sweats and tiara.

Don’t let the title of this post scare you. I’m not going to stand up on a desk and go all “O, Captain! My Captain!” on y’all, but I do want to talk about the phrase made famous by cardigan-clad Robin Williams.

“Seize the day”.

When I break it down, it seems like the two basic fundamentals in “Carpe Diem” are Joy (Or happiness, but for the sake of eligibility in the giveaway by Kerfloppy, we’ll just call it Joy) and Action.

Joy is something that instinctively drives us. We seek it out. We are capable of going to great lengths to try and obtain it or what we think will bring it to us. Joy can be a powerful weapon, used to motivate, heal, help and bless. Besides being a weapon, Joy is also an armor. You can put it on and wrap yourself up in it every day to combat the assault of suck that life can reign down on your head.

Joy is something that has to be renewed so it can continue being a good thing. There are times that there is NO Joy to be found because of tragedy, pain or disappointments. During those trials you have to focus on the happy memories and as much of the positive as you can. Sometimes all that is standing between you and the cuckoo house is the memory of Joy.

You have to be careful though, because memories of Joy can be bittersweet. They can comfort you, but may also make you bitter or angry that it is no longer there. Sometimes if you are in enough pain, you get stuck in the memories of happier times to shut out the pain of what is going on around you. If you stop seeking Joy or refuse to allow it to keep coming into your heart you may become stuck and swallowed up in the past. I am notorious for being so stuck in the past that I can’t move forward. I struggle with this more than anyone I know and it has hurt my life and people I love.

Granted, I have been through a lot of terrible things. It seems that I barely get my head over one wave when I’m knocked down by the next thing. BIG THINGS. To quote Steel Magnolias, “When it comes to pain and suffering she’s right up there with Elizabeth Taylor”.

I feel pretty damn old for being 32.

It seems like for the whole of my life I have my kept my head down, plowed through and felt lucky to get through the battle alive. That may work for skirmishes, but what about the whole freaking war? Is my whole life going to be like this? Am I always going to feel so weighted down and beaten?

Last year, after listening to Lucinda Williams song “You took my joy, I want it back”, I had this epiphany:

“This is no way to have a life. I am tired of just surviving this life. I want to live it.”

How do you undo twenty years of this, though? How do you change things?

Here is where the second part of Carpe Diem comes in: ACTION.

I am not saying that you cannot have Joy without Action. Heck, there are so many simple things that bring me Joy that I don’t have to do much, if anything, to experience: A gorgeous sunset or a crashing thunderstorm or watching a lady bug crawl around the sunny spot of my windowsill. Still, most of the things that bring me my deepest Joy, I have had to either work for, or at, or make the choices that bring them to fruition.

I choose to be a better mother and wife. While it is true that having children can cause some of the deepest pain you may experience, the happiness and Joy that comes from them is immeasurable. I am ashamed of it, and it is nothing I do on purpose, but after Matthew died, my natural instinct facilitated me putting up the mother wall of all time to shield me against further loss. In doing so, it partially shut out my children. It is only this past year that I have put deliberate effort into allowing them back in. When you are used to keeping the door shut it takes a lot work to pry it open and let the love and Joys back into everyday life. I am so glad I have.

Jonathan and I continue to make strides. Sometimes they are damn small, but still…they are there. More and more I feel lucky and so appreciative of him. It is not easy being married to me. It isn’t easy being married to him either, but he has come such a long way, even in the last year, that I am beginning to hope and think that both of us are up to the task.

I choose to be a better friend. I’m not a bad friend. In fact, when I want to be I can be an amazing friend. The last few years I have put my little band of brothers through an awful lot. I am trying to rectify that. For awhile, I focused on trying to specifically make it up to them. “I’m sorry! Forgive me!” While that was necessary for awhile, I think that the best way I can make it up is to just work on myself, to be a productive, functioning person that takes it one step at a time and keeps moving forward. To get pieces of the old me back and make them work in my new reality.

I choose to take time for me. This has never really been hard for me, because I am one of the more hedonistic, self-centered people I know, but I am trying to do things with that time that will be more positive and productive than retreating to my “Island” (My bed) and sobbing over the injustices and suck of my life. Don’t get me wrong. I am rather fond of being a pessimistic masochist and a good wallow with a vat of Ben & Jerry’s is a lovely way to spend an evening. It just should be mingled in with reading a good book, taking a class, writing or working on my music.

I choose to be better about my physical and mental health. I found a new therapist. Granted, I have only been once due to reunions, funerals and the like of both our schedules, but I WENT. I also go to a supplemental meeting once a week that I love. It’s really been helping. Funny, I can’t say how, exactly, but it is. I have made huge, huge, HUGE strides in the last two years. I’m focusing on trying to not repeat bad behavior. I have put in boundaries and have faced up to things and tried to work through them rather than just running away because it is easier. I am not solely responsible for this. I have had mountains of help from family and friends. I appreciate and love them more than they know.

In the physical health area, I sucked up my terror of dentists and hospitals and got a lot of things taken care of and looked at. In January I started a rigorous diet and exercise plan. For the first time in my life, I planned and MET an exercise and diet goal. I ran two miles, I lost 20 lbs. I ate an extremely well-balanced diet. I could get down on myself that this summer has put me off track, but instead, I just think about how much better I eat now that I was off of sugar all those months and that I know that I am capable of making it happen. You can drown in the negatives if you let yourself. Still, even though I am much better at my health than I was, I would like to get back on track. I felt better. My next goal is to be better about preventative care. We’re not going to talk about my Diet Coke addiction. I’m not ready.

I choose to get our finances under control and make and meet goals. I have been saving every paycheck to realize my life-dream of seeing the UK. I can’t believe I’m going. Jon and I have been working and working to pay off debt. We still have a long way to go as far as organization, both in finances and life in general. I have never been a long term planner and suck at organizing things. Ehem…this is our “Bill System”. Hey, at least I have the VIP (Very Important Papers) in a drawer all of their own. Does it really matter that the drawer is to my 19th century china hutch???

Still, I want to get everything organized and in place. Baby steps, right?

I choose to keep trying to make my house a home and a better place to be with my family. A lot of days this means not burning my house down or going fetal and sobbing on my bed. I have come very far as a housekeeper. Which is sad because I still suck at it more than most people I know. I have a lot of challenges in the area-we have a TINY house with no storage. I have two very active boys. It is easier since they are older, but it is no picnic by any stretch. I am a cluttery, low-energy person.

What saves me is that I can cook well, I am ok at decorating, and when motivated I am one of the faster workers I know. I will get into a “SUPER MOOD” and clean and clean and CLEAN. Especially when I am pissed off. It works wonders.

Even though I struggle I have always made every single place I have lived better. I try to create homeyness, even though it is not my forte. I have a lot of successes. A lot more than I did even five years ago.

Still, most of the day-to-day drudgery that is housework I just suck at. I have to will myself to do it and find ways to make it endurable. My way of coping today? I’m wearing the superfanastic TIARA that a wonderful reader (TJ) sent me in the mail. There is something about wearing my pajamas and a sparkly princess crown while scrubbing toilets that is just good for my soul. I got a pretty funny look at the MacDonald’s drive-thru, but it ‘s still worth it.

I choose to learn to like “ME” Even with all these goals and aspirations I fall short on so.many.things. All the time. Constantly. It is one of the few areas that I am consistent. I have to keep trying. Even the tiniest step forward is still a STEP. In a good direction! Hopefully, I will continue making progress, even if I fall off the ladder or wagon or earth. I’ll climb back on and keep going. I am someone who is exceptionally hard on themselves. It is abrasive to some people how much I rip on everything about me. I am so much harder on myself than I would ever dream of being on anyone else that I love.

One of my best friends has a saying when I go into this pattern. “Excuse me?! You are talking about my best friend and NO ONE is allowed to talk crap about her, so you need to shut it or we’ll have to take it outside.”

It helped put it in perspective.

I am trying to get better at it and give myself a break and realize that there are just things about me that RULE. I do a lot of things well, great, and superfantastick. I know it is such a cliche, but loving yourself is so hard but so important. I think this may be the hardest thing to conquer of them all.

For now? Well, the best part about the Carpe Diem philosophy is that it is about a DAY. A chunk. A baby step. “Tomorrow is new, with no mistakes in it”. You don’t have to swallow your life and all your aspirations and goals in one big chunk, you can take it a day at a time. My chunk today? I have to go and square off with the baskets of laundry waiting to be folded in my bedroom. Afterwards I plan on seizing the day by snuggling up with my new baby niece.

It really doesn’t get much better than that.

I am a stay at home mom. There is a bit of confusion from time to time because I will write, “When I was at work” or something similar and I will get an email with an inquiry that usually involves a statement like “Wow, I haven’t read in a week. Did you suddenly get a career and I am just totally out of the loop???”.

Alas, it is nothing that grand.

Sporadically (Yet, fairly steadily) I get small and insignificant side jobs. Sometimes I am bored and the job is fun (Working in a bookstore), sometimes it is necessary (Working as office manager for my husband’s company) and sometimes it is because I want to make my own tiny bit of money to save for something important to me like my dream trip to the UK this fall (My current job). With this current job of mine I have been deliberately obtuse on this blog. You’ll see why.

In January, my husband told me that the couple who were contracted to clean his company’s office building weren’t going to continue and he wondered if it would be something that I would be interested in doing? I hadn’t really ever thought of doing something like cleaning offices before, but I really want to go to the UK in the fall. The pay was decent and it was only about 4-6 hours a week and I could work at night. So, I said yes.

Last week I had a startling realization:

I am a janitor.

Dude.

I am not totally sure how I feel about this. On one hand, I have never, ever been ashamed either for myself or on behalf of others for doing decent, honest work. On the other hand, I AM A JANITOR!!!!!!!!!

At least this title is a bit easier to swallow since purchasing my new car. Because truly? The whole going to the janitor job while drive an ’83 Station Wagon was just a little too hard to take some days. If it is hard for me to swallow, you should see my awkwardness in explaining that I do to people.

People have various reactions to it. There are times I can tell that they are trying their best to keep a casual face and not judge, but it is still goin’ on in the cranium. When that happens I start freaking out in my head, “DUDE, I CAN FEEL THE JUDGEMENT!!!! STOP THINKING THAT I SUCK BECAUSE I SWAB TOILETS 3X A WEEK! Oh, and you have some spinach stuck in your upper front tooth. I am not going to say anything about it to you since you are such a hater. So, pppth!!!”

Even worse than that though, are the sweet, well-meaning people who get that “Look”. When I was telling one of my friends about my job, they got “The Look” and I said if they were about to use the terms “Courageous”, “Admirable” or “Brave” I would have to severely hurt them. I also said if they call me a “Sanitation Engineer” I will be forced to start ripping out their arm hairs one at a time.

Unless I just decide to accept my fate about it all. Maybe I can start a network of janitors and form a faction that is plotting to take over the world like the diabolical janitor with no name from “Scrubs”.Don’t fear, I have zero plans on inundating you all with “Tales from the toilets”. Actually, given my abhorrence of all things “Excrement”, I can’t believe I actually agreed to do this job in the first place. At least I don’t have to deal with bitchy people doing this, which is more fab than I can begin to tell you. Actually, there is pretty much zero people interaction at all. Unless you count Wednesdays.

I hate Wednesdays at work, and let me tell you why in two little words: MARY KAY.

Now, before I get hordes of you pink fans emailing me like the Amway fans that think I am a hater, let me say that Mary Kay can be awesome. I am a total fan of the Timewise system and they have a completely sweet lip mask set that makes my mouth soft and munchable like nothing else. Lots of women have found their niche in the world due to this little company and I admire it.

THAT said…

The office building that I clean is not just any office building. It is a freaking HUGE office building with like 50,000 square feet. They rent out a lot of it to other businesses. A Mary Kay faction rents it out on Wednesday and it almost always involves craploads of perfume, glitter and a boombox blasting “I believe I can fly”.

These big weekly gatherings of women can irritate me like no other. I am just not a fan. I have never been “Into” large groups of women doing anything, really. I tried to join a sorority my freshman year and pretty much snorted and giggled so much during initiation because I thought it was STUPID that I was sorta univited. When I was an active LDS person, Enrichment Night used to make me break out into hives. I am really not sure how I survived being PTA President for three years.

Every Wednesday, I am required to walk into this room full of very nicely groomed women and gather the trash from the cafeteria. I always have to go in in the middle of their meeting and it fills me with apprehension and DREAD. It doesn’t help that the trash has usually been crammed full of 8 billion Styrofoam packing peanuts and pink makeup boxes and so retrieving the trash is rather awkward and long. Usually, this involves about 30 pairs of eyes looking at me and taking in my hair (Usually hurridly thrown into pigtails, a bleach stained t-shirt and Army cargo pants and a sweater. I may or may not have smeared eyeliner at that point as well. I hate it. It probably has to do with the fact that 90% of the time that I am at work, I look like a homeless person. I live in total fear that one day I will be accosted because they will think I would make a great charity case. “Awe. Let’s give the poor, fugly janitor lady a makeover and bring some joy and grooming into her bleak little world!”

I know. I’m being wenchy, but it is still a fear, and I sense that it is not all that unreasonable, either.

Over all, though it has been an ok little job, actually. And frankly as long as it means that come September I am able to fulfill one of the biggest dreams of my life, I can put up with toilets, mop water and even Mary Kay and be pretty damn grateful about it all.