*Slightly edited to include clarification to those who are silent or not sure what to say or do or if they should say or do anything. Or if you just think I’m nuts but care about me so you stay quiet. I hope you read it. xo
I realize this week has, um…been a lot.
I realize that there are many of you (who have really touched my heart with gratitude for your concern) that are VERY worried that I am having a manic, psychotic break. That my religion or religious leaders are using me, that I couldn’t deal with the rejection of my disfellowshipment.
You have good reason to worry.
Given the last, oh…9-years or so online, everything about what happened should have many of you utterly worried that I have lost my ever loving mind. Heck, many of you thought that about me before any of this happened.
So, just know…I don’t blame you.
I was really and truly planning to let it lie for a very long time. I have no desire to be a God Blogger or push this on anyone. Yes, I was absolutely supposed to shout it as loud as I can, but I am not tempted to ram it perpetually down people’s throats.
Given the many concerns and issues with what I said (and how I said it) have been coming up, I needed to address a few.
First and most important- I am absolutely 100% OK. I do not blame those who thought they were reading psychotic mania. It was huge and just…manic in intensity. I couldn’t control it not just coloring my language but drowning it. If I had waited and analyzed it would not have likely been so, but then I would have lost much of the experience. So, there is no blame or issues held by me for people thinking this. It just isn’t true. Except for the first evening, I was fully medicated. I had a thorough mental evaluation during this process (because YES, I wondered if I was crazy. Anyone who wouldn’t wonder that in the middle of something so profound would be those same people talking to themselves on the street or preaching to a tree) and I was found to not only not be in the middle of a manic, psychotic, or any other kind of mentally-ill driven delusion, but there was much shock and surprise that I am very mentally healthy.
This is important.
Even if you remove God, battles, angels, Satan, and anything else from the equation, the fact is solid that in the course of one week, all my pain, scars, self-hatred, lack of self-esteem and self-respect is just…gone. For good. I have never felt solid or secure in my life and I feel so solid and peaceful and happy and content that I can’t explain it. I just…really like, love and respect myself. So, even if you take nothing more from this experience than happiness for me or that there is hope that even the very wounded and hurting can have healing occur, that is fine with me.
Now for the other things.
I am a dramalama. (I read that in a long thread online about how insane all this was. It really wasn’t meant to be a compliment but I totally love it. I think I’ll keep it.) I am overly dramatic, I use too many CAPS, I love emoticons, I am self-centered, navel gazing, and I obviously do not get the use of the term “literally”.
Yes, all those things are true.
I had such a hard time with my writing. I knew how barfy and just…over the top it was. But the experience was over the top. Times a whole lot. So, given the fact that someone who is already prone to massive overstatement was thrown this, I tried the best I could. I write the way I am. If you met me, you would see that I speak intensely and humorously and largely. I really wish this had been given to someone with a better reign on language, but it was not. Try to push the repulsion at seeing the term “Utterly” yet again, and see a deeper message.
In regards to the use of “Literally” and wondering if I was having psychotic hallucinations. No, I was not. I did not see anything in front of my face like I would see a person standing in front of me. I’ll try to explain a bit deeper. I said I saw a battle raging all around me. I saw a very, very clear imagine of yes…a battle. All the emotions were exactly what I said. They were extremely intense and they were all around me. It was very certain to me. Literal is the word that best hit me to use. However, it was literal BUT it was not. And that is where I have misstepped. Figuratively might have been a better word, but I know that many misuse the term “literally”…especially bloggers. ;) I cannot help that I am limited by crappy adjective use. I have never claimed to be a writer and if I was ever told I was one, it was always qualified by me that I was not a very good one. So, my apologies. I have a life time to think of words and phrases that might be more adequate.
The whole “Mormon” thing. I can’t help that I am a Mormon. I was raised in the faith, I practice it, and I am proud to be one. That is my base and my knowledge. This message was not meant just for Mormons. Far from. I was very clear that this was meant for ALL. The message in that seemed to even be not to shove God down throats but to see like I said above…that there is always hope for something better. That you should reach for something higher and deeper on the path that is the best for you. Of course I hope it leads to God but I would be just as thrilled if an alcoholic atheist read it and had hope for change and did something about it. I DID post links to the Mormon faith on my blog and said that if you would like a Book of Mormon but did not want to go through the church, I would be happy to provide one. While I am not apologizing for that at all (I would be thrilled if people found faith in Mormonism. But I would be thrilled if people just decided to go to a meadow and love nature and try for a better life just as much.) I need to explain that it was done because my story had a lot of Mormon terminology and history and I was getting so many questions and requests for the Book of Mormon that it was just easier to put it online.
This TRULY is not about being a Mormon but I am hugely proud to be one and rejoice that I am.
And honestly…I truly expect much of my fallout to be from fellow Mormons. The wall of silence from the majority of Mormons I know (especially Mormon bloggers I know) seems to indicate this is the case. I have been reassured that if anyone (and I mean anyone from the most low to the most high) wants to get down on their knees and honestly ask if I am a liar *or* (especially or) crazy, go ahead. I have zero fear in this.
*While I know there is silence, I need to be clear. You do not have to put your name out in support of this. It is a lot. It is scary because the opposition is so very large. The branding of ‘psychotic’, ‘not of true Mormonism’, ‘not of God but of Satan’ or just plain ‘bizarre’ with many is intense and certain. If you just have even a moment of silent belief or if you are helped non-spiritually by any of this, I am content and thrilled. If you hate all about this but hold your tongue out of respect for the pain I have faced, I rejoice in that.
But even if hatred or doubt or disbelief IS stated here or in other places, I will not fall. I am not too fragile to read it. I will not seek it out but if it comes, it comes and I am ok. Before the first time I picked up my figurative pen to write, it was certain that the love and triumph and acceptance I would feel and know would be so small in comparison to the mountain of doubt, fear, belittlement, disregard, repugnance, and craziness. Remember that moment when I said was the most difficult and the hardest to take?
I felt the horror, the humiliation, the utter lack of privacy in all things of my life, the ridicule the pain, the suffering of watching my most loved and cherished face trial because of *me* and my path and the scorn of those I love most. And I felt those things would never let up, never end, never be gentled from that moment until the end of my life.
And I was willing to submit to Him and do His will and all He asked of me.
That is why I was allowed to feel the full measure of his love, his respect and love for me and be reassured that should every single person on this earth turn from me and if I should lose all that I hold dear, He and His love and support would never leave and abandon me again.
And I will need that, big time.
There is a lot of concern about my family. And it does my heart good to see and read the concern.
Bless you for worrying.
For the record, Jonathan, who usually loathes being included in this blog, is absolute in his support of both me, my experience and all I wrote. Some may think that it is due to the ego trip of my statements about him, but really…step back a moment and really look at this. Everyone knows all the horrible things we have done. The sacrifice on both our parts is so big I don’t even want to think about it some moments.
I am glad that I know what I know or I could never do this.
I know that there were some extremely detailed, private, sacred details put out here. Many, (and yes…many Mormons) were deeply offended, put off and felt the need to exclaim that this was not right.
If you don’t believe in God or personal revelation, there is really not much I can do for you here. If that is the case, just be happy at how much I now love and respect myself, my husband even fellow man to a much higher degree and then let it go. I’m happy with that. For those that don’t have a problem with God, etc. just know that it was more than a little clear what I should share and when. And when I say more than a little clear I mean as in…I know what I know and God KNOWS THAT I KNOW IT. (I deliberately restrained from a single CAPS except for this. Because really, there is no stronger motivation or source of huge courage than this. I promise.)
If I walk you through it in big terms it might be clearer.
It was clear to me that everything in my life had a purpose and a reason. And that reason is to be an example of how the broken and faithless can be changed in a moment. And not just certain parts of me. That ALL could be helped, fixed and changed.
It was extremely intense and reveal and as it grew, so did the intensity and intimacy. I seriously don’t blame people for mistaking it for mania. But, it was utterly clear what I should write and when I should write it. Any time I tried to evade or ignore that I was corrected. And it wasn’t a small feeling of correction. I dreaded writing most of it, but like I said…when you know that God is holding you accountable and why, it is just something you push through your fear for.
Many of you had such offense that I wrote about how I *finally* knew what a relationship in a marriage should be.
If you had seen the struggle I had writing it knowing how it would be taken you might at least have a twinge of compassion.
All I can say in that is that it was made clear that this was not a private journey. Both there and after. If you think that marriage is sacred and that God can save even the most broken of marriages, then how can you not include the intimate side of that? Because it is one of the most fundamentally broken, twisted and large things that couples face. I am sorry if I offended any sensibilities but if even one person gets help in this area or has hope then I am ok with it. My *entire* life was to be an example, not just the parts that I, or you, were comfortable with to read and share.
One of the most difficult aspects in all this is the huge expectation and eye that is now on me and my life.
I hope you know that I am likely to disappoint many of you.
I *am* going to fail and sin and be in many ways, who I always have been. (I actually like that last part a lot. If this had turned me into a quiet, meek, overly serious and dour Bible Basher, I would have mourned.) I have already done it. A playful banter on Facebook drew rebuke. So, it is just a tiny taste of what is to come.
I maintain most of the limitations I had before this. I am still so very unknowledgeable. I still have ADHD. I still use CAPS and emoticons (although, 1/3 of my vocabulary is now so over-used I want to barf.)
If you think I am magically transformed into an angel or super women or that my life and marriage are going to be a fun party and walk in the park, you would be very, very, wrong. It was abundantly clear that I have not begun to be tested. I was allowed a moment to see my husband as God does. But guess what…he isn’t even close to there yet and neither am I. But I was given it because I am going to need it as we slog through all the stuff we need to. Considering the fallout of this (both good and bad) we need it very much.
I am not invincible. Far from it. I fear very much this is not something I will have the ability to execute.
My flesh is very weak.
But I guess the good thing in this is that where I could have said that before (even more so, in fact) about my spirit?
It is very, very strong.
I am opening comments. Everyone has the right to say what they think. It has always been my strongest belief. I could not have comments open on something I consider sacred, but I am also not going to throw that at people and muzzle their tongues, either.
My greatest request goes out especially to the devout.
PLEASE DO NOT FIGHT. Especially for me. (Yes, caps. Sorry.) If people say Mormonism is a cult, we’re polygamists and crazy or Christians are deluded or God is a big lie and Satan is a joke, please remain civil. Nothing is more hurtful to Him then ugliness OVER Him. I am good with whatever comes. You can say you personally believe me but don’t get over heated and above ALL do not tear down the beliefs of another. Even if they have no belief. It goes against the spirit of all I have said. xo
I do, like always, request you to be respectful in your language and expression.
If you are going to fight, fight for civility.