Bug,
You would have been NINE today.
NINE.
Almost a decade.
I can hardly believe it.
So much time that has passed in a blink and stretched for an eternity in the same breath.
There are so many things I think about.
So many questions that will never have an answer to.
I can’t help but wonder, how big are you?
Is your hair still bright red?
Who would your best friend be?
Would be have had you baptized last year?
What is your favorite subject at school?
Do you hate tomatoes like your dad and love peaches like me?
You would have had your first little crush yet?
Do you still love to be kissed on the bridge of your nose? (But not in front of your friends so you aren’t embarrassed.)
What are your favorite things and what are the things you can’t stand?
Do you remember me, our snuggles, kisses and tickles?
Do you still know that I love you?
I miss you.
Love you & Kiss your sweet toes,
Mama
So much love to you all. Xo
Hugs to all of you. Xo
Listen closely at night before you go to sleep…you will hear him whisper, “I love you Mama”. Just like we all do. (A&J)
Love you.
Love and prayers to all of you. I love reading about him – makes me feel like I knew him. He lives on through you.
Oh Loralee, this was such a sweet, melancholy piece. It sucks that nothing I can say or do can lighten your burden, but you are my friend. And that’s why my heart is breaking for you right now. Dang. Big hugs to you my friend.
I suspect the wondering never goes away. Except for one question. There is no doubt that Matthew knows you love him. Remember that he continues to love you; all ways, always!
You are in my thoughts tonight.
Sending a big hug and lots of love. xo
I’m certain his hair is still red.
Love you!
Hugs & love
Happy birthday, sweet Matthew. Our boys would be the same age — mine born 5/21/03 and died 6/14/03. I can’t help but think that the last few weeks have been just one big birthday party up there. Much love to all of you.
Our Angela would have been 4 on the 3rd. Starting Kindergarten next year….stealing everyone’s heart I am sure.
Thoughts to you and your family.
Loralee, I am panicking right now because I know you and your story with your little bug. Out of my 3 kids, my 3 month old, almost 4 month old bright red haired baby is so very precious to me. I will admit it, I didn’t understand your grief for losing your baby. I’ve never once worried or wondered what it would be like. But this baby. My little Charlotte Charles. I worried the whole pregnancy for some reason. Turns out that I ended up with ridiculously high blood pressure. Once we got her here, I cried and cried because she was perfect, and I loved her, I felt so “mommy bear” toward her. I felt like I’ve known her forever. Just to see her face, I’ve always known her. She has long thick bright red hair and it would crush me to nothingness if something happened to her. I can now empathize. I have a situation now that I’d react the same way. And oh, how it hurts just knowing that it could happen but hurts me knowing it did to you. I guess I am mostly saying, call me whatever type of mom that you want to, but I didn’t feel very maternal I just liked hanging out with the kids and when I didn’t want to anymore, they’d go sleep or play or whatever. They were more like my buds, my sibling, but this little Charlie…She has a hold on me that would devastate me if she got hurt or if I lost her in any way. So, Loralee, I’ve been thinking of you every day as I look at my beautiful red headed baby and am getting the head on empathy truck hitting me. I would be losing a piece of my self. I guess I just figured that since I have kids, I could understand, but I wonder, if something happened to one of my other two, would it affect me to this same degree. I don’t think it would. There is something about my little baby that I feel a burning desire to keep her alive, spend as much time with her as I can because it could be gone. And having that feeling scares me more than anything because what if that’s the karma or whatever preparing me for my first real loss in my family to directly affect me. Yet at the same time, I can’t baby wear her all the time…Whew… Deep breath. What will be will be. It will be a challenge and I hope I don’t have to even worry about it, but I do have those around me who have dealt with loss of a child. It’s scary. I understand you better now. And my heart hurts very much for you. I have been praying for your soul to be calmed.