We don’t know what happened.
I could neither bear, nor afford, to have an an autopsy performed.
All I know is that I found the thing that I loved all most in the world (next to my family) laying so still I knew with every instinct in my body that Pinkey was very, very, sick or so severely injured that she was dying. The only other time I have felt so much fear was driving to the hospital when Matthew passed away. The thing that was SO HARD was that I had my car parked in the driveway and every motherly-to-a-baby-pet instinct was screaming for me to grab my kids and the dog, throw them in the car and race to the vet as fast as I could.
But I couldn’t.
I have been on stupid pain killers on and off for 20 years because of this damn thing I call my back. (No, I don’t have a problem with meds. I use them as prescribed and I have no issues stopping using them and only use them when I have no choice. I have to get out of bed sometimes and throw food at those small things I call my children.) I also know when I can and cannot drive on them and I KNEW I wouldn’t be able to drive at the moment. I knew that I would have to wait for my (pardon, parents…you know I love you) REALLY old and slow parents to get dressed, get in their car, drive the ten miles to my house and THEN drive BACK the 14 miles to our vet.
I will probably never forgive myself (or my back) for that. She probably would have died anyway but I could have at least TRIED to get her help before she died. But if I had killed a HUMAN baby traveling in a car, say? My guilt and sadness would crush the life out of me. It’s the ONLY thing that makes any of this bearable. (Again, I know. It’s only a dog and I feel stupid but I loved that little fuzzball more than I can even tell you. The only thing I love more is my family.)
So, I did what I could. Cradled her gently, cried like a baby, and I could barely breathe or choke out the necessary words to the vets office to tell them we were coming in.
We drove as hard and fast as we could, but my little puppy died in my arms in the car as she looked at me and my tears fell on her face while I told her her mama loved her to the moon and back and I begged her not to leave me.
My heart is in a thousand pieces.
Having lost a baby boy, I always used to get infuriated when people would compare the loss of a child to the loss of a dog.
I still refuse to compare them.
But nothing, NOTHING, save the death of my sweet baby boy has hurt this much or caused such grief with my family, we loved that tiny fuzzball so much.
I feel like I can’t even move this hurts so much. I am lost without a wee, blinking, cotton ball snuggled up on my chest, by my side or what to do with the hours and hours I spent reading how to be the best dog owner possible while I had be in bed from surgery.
Butterlump doesn’t understand.
He didn’t understand what had happened or why his puppy wouldn’t move any more.
The one that I brought in to tuck him in at night and wake up in the morning with kisses.
When we buried him, something finally changed where he understood and it was heartbreaking,
He cried that “Mama! Why did the puppy go to the mud??!!!!”, when we buried him.
You may think this reaction after owning her a few weeks is strong but you have to understand that this puppy was almost constantly by my side. ALWAYS. She made the sun come out again for me and my family felt happier than we have in years.
And man…did it bring back some very sad and horrific memories for us all.
This is going to be a very tough one to get through. Once again, my arms are empty and mourning for the tiny thing that gave me joy. And the irony is, they were almost the same age as each other.
My consolation is that my little red-headed boy has one perfect little puppy his mama and daddy picked out and loved more than anything to keep him company until we can join them both.
:’(
I am so, so sorry. My heart goes out to all of you.
Oh no, oh I am soo sorry! My heart aches for you all. Oh man, that just sucks SO BAD!
I am so very sorry – what a devastating loss for your family.
I’m so sorry, Loralee. Truly – so awful. Sending you lots of love and hugs…
I am so very, very sorry for you and the family. No, it doesn’t compare to losing your sweet Bug, but it still hurts, dammit.
Oh my goodness I am so so sorry! I can’t imagine how much this must hurt. :((
I have no words for you, just TONS of love and sorrow. I know how painful it is to lose a pet that has wrapped themselves firmly around your heart. I send you warmth and understanding, Lovey. I know they are not enough, but I hope they help in some small way.
My heart aches for you and your family. Hold each other tight…
So very sorry. I know that the loss of a sweet pet can be devastating.
I’m crying for you and yours. I am so sorry. I can’t express it enough.
oh sweet friend, my heart is so sad for yours … I am so very sorry for your loss xxxxx
There are no words that could be enough so I’ll just say I’m sorry.
I am so, so sorry. Our dog has made our family so happy, so I understand what joy a dog brings. My heart breaks for you and your family as you grieve.
I am so, so sorry. I very much wish there was something I could do for you. You all are in my prayers.
My darling Callie dropped dead in my arms at 5 years…we paid for an autopsy as we had to know….
I am so sorry….what a blow to you guys….Dogs are family no matter how short a time they are with us….and for a wee pup.
oh no! oh loralee my heart breaks for y’all and poor butterlump!
Oh, no…Loralee, I am so very sorry. RIP, sweet Puppy.
My heart is breaking for you and your family. We’ve had out little guy for about 6 months now, and he got very sick 7 weeks after we got him. He is OK now, but I sobbed all day the first day he was in the hospital.
I had no idea how quickly they capture your heart and become part of your family. I used to roll my eyes whe people would be devastated over the loss of a pet, but now I know.
My prayers are truly with your family at this time.
I just messaged you through FB. We pulled up to the vet clinic just as you guys were leaving. We were taking Nappy in to be put to sleep. I wanted so badly to stop and talk to you but you were so upset, and I was near tears myself. What a horrible, sad thing for you. But this doggie was meant for another member of your family all along, you just didn’t know it at the time.
Anyway, I sent hugs your way as we were taking Nappy in. I hope you felt them! :)
Oh how horrible. I am so sorry. I wish there were words.
Loralee, I love you, and Pinky, and the only words I can possibly say at this heart breaking moment is I am so soory! i LOVE YOU, MAY GOD AND ALL HIS ANGELS BE WITH YOU AT THIS TIME! I love you!
I am so sorry. This makes my heart hurt.
Oh, my heart hurts. I’m so sorry, Loralee. So, so sorry.
<<<<>>>>>>
There was supposed to be a million HUGS in between. A million hugs to you and your family. I’m so sorry.
I am so very sorry Loralee.
Oh, God, I am so sorry for you.
oh, i’m so so sorry. there’s nothing else i can say. just so sad for you & your family….
so sorry friend- sending love xoxo
Oh no. I’m so sorry, Loralee. Too much sadness. Just too much.
I said this on Facebook – but once again, I am so sorry, Loralee. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts during this absolutely sucky time.
Oh the pain of losing a furbaby I know it hurts, I’m sorry you are too.
My heart is breaking for your whole family, I too am so sorry for your loss. I do love the idea of your puppy keeping your baby company in Heaven. I think you’d said before that you wanted to get a puppy to grow up with your little boy. Maybe Pinkey was just meant for a different little boy than you’d anticipated. Much hugs and love to everyone.
I’m so sorry.
I understand your grief.
My heart goes out to you.
Oh hon. This simply isn’t fair. I am sending love and thoughts of peace to all of you.
Love you.
I am so sorry for your loss. He was adorable.
I’m so, so sorry to read this. Sending you so many hugs. xox
Oh Loralee that is so terrible. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. Let me know if we can do anything.
Oof. My heart. I am so very sorry for your loss. Xo
Oh this is awful. I’m so sorry. Will be praying for you & yours.
I’m so very sorry, sweetheart. My heart is with you. xoxoxo
Oh darling Loralee. I am so, so sad for you all. Sending love and giant hugs. xo
Oh sweetie, I am so unbelievably sorry, I don’t even know what to say. Sending you love.
I am so sorry. That is soooo sad. I’m sending you guys comfort and peace. I wish I could hug each one of you. so, so sorry for your loss. :(
Oh my gosh Loralee. I’m so so sorry.
Oh that is a heart wrenching tragedy. That adorable ball of fluff is surely keeping Bug entertained. The situation is obviously different but GRIEF is GRIEF and you are surely feeling it. {{hugs}}
I’m so so sorry. This is the 3rd puppy I have heard of an acquaintance losing this year… what the heck? So sad! Big hugs to your entire family.
OH Loralee, I’m so sorry. How awful-he was such a cutie. xoxox
Oh, I am so sorry! She was the cutest and sweetest thing I have ever seen. My heart is breaking for you.
I’m so sorry :(
*hugs*
Oh my word, my heart breaks for you!
We had a dog die suddenly in December. I was so hysterical on the phone with the vet’s receptionist that she told me to bring him in and she’d have him take a look. The vet was an angel, & he held our hands, and told us that our dog’s lymph nodes were so large that he surely had lymphoma. Unfortunately Buddy was a rare breed, hard to come by in the US. So when a friend told us she had a stray puppy in the neighborhood who would visit her every few days, we had her capture him and we gave him a home & named him CHANCE. Bc he had a 2nd chance at a home and we had a new chance to love a pet again.
I totally understand your pain & I wish you & your family peace!
tears, compassion, & love…no words can convey except i am so sorry
Oh Loralee.
How impossibly wrong.
Long distance heart-hugs for Butterlump and for you.
Oh my dear… My heart breaks for you and your family. I cannot do more than hold you all in my heart and wish you peace, there is nothing else that I can do. I know it’s not enough…
My heart absolutely breaks for you and your family. Our thoughts are with you all as you process this newest hurt.
Im so sorry!
I have no words that will help,
Just know that we are wrapping your family in a big warm comforting huh,
& wiping your tears away with understanding, while lifting you up in prayers.
I’m so, so sorry, Loralee. I know just how much she meant to you. Hugs.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Our Maxx, a beautiful black Lab who was part of our family for 15 years, died last summer of cancer. Saying goodbye was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. I am sorry for your family’s pain.
Oh, sweetie, I am so very very sorry.
I am so, so sorry. We lost our beloved dog last year, and it still hurts.
I am so sorry. I hurt for you. My heart and thoughts are with you and your family.
Loralee and family, I am SO VERY SORRY for your loss. It doesn’t take long for a puppy like that to wiggle its way into one’s heart. I myself had a dog for only a few short weeks and it about broke me when she died. Her name was Shelby. I still miss her, she was a VERY good dog.
Love you!!
Oh sweetie. I am so sad and sorry for you. These furry friends are so kind and loving and bring us such love and comfort. How sweet to think the little puppy is together with your son.
Loralee, my heart is breaking for you guys. Damn.
WHAT! No! Dammit, Loralee, I’m so sorry :(
i’m so sorry, so sad for you. hugging you tight across the miles. Vx
Oh, Loralee. I’m so sorry to hear about your sweet puppy. You are in my thoughts.
Oh no, I’m so sorry!!!!! I totally have been there, and it’s horrible :( thinking of you…
Oh honey, I”m so sorry. Losing our fur babies is heartbreaking. Wish I was closer and could hug you. XOXO
Baby girl, I tried to call you. I am heartbroken for all of you. I am certain that Matthew loves the little fuzzball and that she will make him feel closer to all of you. He knows like I do how much u love babies and fuzzballs. I wish there was more that we all could do or say to comfort you…just know that you are all very loved.
How so very, awfully sad. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Oh, Loralee. Of all the ways to wreck a perfectly good day, having a lovely creature like that taken from you. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Love to you and your family.
So sorry.
My heart is completely broken for you. So sorry to hear of this :(
Oh Loralee! I am so sorry. I know how long you wanted that puppy and how in love you were from the first minute at home.
So so so sorry. *hugs*
oh no, I wish you could know what happened. this is terrible news! When I first saw the pictures on the 10th, I was even tempted to get one! he was so cute….
I’m so sorry. I know that loss and know how hard it is. My biggest comfort was knowing without question, that our dog felt love. She felt ours for her and she had love for us. She had happiness, she had security, she had comfort. It was 7 years ago and she often comes up in conversation. Just last week as a matter of fact. Hugs to you and your family.
I am so sorry, Loralee. Certainly you’re not comparing the loss of a child to the loss of a pet but it still hurts so much when you lose a furry member of your family. We had to have a dog put down 2 years ago and I couldn’t believe the tears I cried and how heavy my heart was. We love our pets. They become a part of your family…I’ll stop now. I really just wanted to tell you how sorry I am. This isn’t fair and it sucks.
Lo! I am sooooo sorry to hear this! When I lost Max several years ago, I cried at the drop of a hat. Morgan was lost without him and put his dog tags on a chain. When he would come in he would jingle like Max and I would hurt all over again. I had to tell him that while it made him feel better to wear them, it was killing me and that he could not wear them anymore. You do mourn for them. They are the 4 legged children you adopted into your family. I am soooooo sorry for your loss! Love you Loralee.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO! =( I am so sorry. So very very sorry.
I am so sorry to learn this. Animals do become family members, and we grieve them at thier loss. When Lazarus, my Norwegian Forest Cat died at age 20, I wept all day. My sympathies are with you.
I’m so sorry Loralee. Loss hurts in any form. We always tell our kids, “we were lucky to have her in our lives as long as we did, and now we have her in our hearts.”
Oh, I’m so, so sorry to hear this. This just isn’t fair.
I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I know what it’s like to suddenly lose a puppy and have no means of finding out why. It’s an awful thing to have to go through. My heart goes out to all of you.
Oh, Loralee, tears. I’ve only read you a year and a half now – of course I’ve read a little further back than that – but I’m just really tired – really SICK and tired of all the heartache. I really AM! and I’m angry. I don’t know the pain of you loss so many years ago – but I do remember the “bug” story. ANd I DO know the pain of losing your pet – who was more than a pet – I do get how the little fuzz balls can bring some light in to chase away all the darkness, and then all the shadows left behind as the darkness tries to flee the light. I DO get how that little white furball meant the world to you – even though your babies are your whole world I’m sorry for the long and windy comment – but I’m just a little bit tired of this broken world, breaking people, breaking hearts, breaking YOURS, again, and again, and again. “I’m sorry” isn’t good enough to say – it’s not fair – it’s just. not. fair. God bless you Loralee – and God bless each and every one of yours.
Craig, maybe I’m reading into your comment incorrectly, but all you have to do is stop reading. It’s her forum and she can use it as she wishes.
Tuna, he’s just saying how tired he is of heartbreak, and that he feels for her. Nothing mean or malicious here.
Ohhh
I cannot imagine how much it hurts to lose such a good companion. I’ll be thinking of you and yours, hoping each moment without the little puffball gets more manageable.
Shoot–I wish animals were eternal. I’m looking at Abe & Fidge right now, dreading the day I’ll have to say goodbye.
Lots of hugs to you, kid. xo
There are so many bad words I want to say & just shake my fist at the universe because this is just NOT EFFING FAIR! I’m so sorry…
Loralee: I’m terribly sorry. I know too well how you feel about how this wonderful little furballs get into our hearts and, sadly, break them. Be well.
Noooooooo! Seriously NO! I just don’t understand how much one person, one family can take!?! Try to find peace in knowing that Matthew and your little fuzzball are running and playing in Heaven until you can join them.
Damn. Just DAMN!
Love you…big hugs and prayers being sent your way!
oh, Loralee…I am so so so so so sorry. Ugh, this is just awful news. I’m giving you big virtual hugs, sis. Love love love to your fam right now. xo
When our hearts hurt, our hearts hurt, plain and simple. I was so touched by this post, Loralee, having experienced both varieties myself. It’s a pleasure to share the Mother’s Day feature with you on BlogHer, and I hope our experiences and our words can bring hope and peace to others. Take care. –Kim
omg so sad bad god
Oh Loralee….I’m heartbroken for you!
Came by to check on you… You all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
xo
I have checked in every day since the loss of your puppy hoping to see you “talking” again—I hope someday you will consider sharing your vast love with another puppy. Good dog owners like you and your family are such a blessing to a dog. Please forgive the unsolicited advice.
There’s nothing like losing a loved pup :/ my condolences!
i am sorry to comment so late, but i have been away for a year and am just now catching up. i hope i am not opening up old wounds. she was a beautiful little puff of white. when i was 6 we had a puppy for just one week before we had to send her to another home and i still think about her.
a dear friend of mine wrote a kids book on losing a pet. i have given it to my adult friends after their losses and also to kids with aging pets to prepare them for the inevitable. feel free to email me if you want the name. i didn’t want to post it here and “sound” like a spammer.
bonnie
Hi loralee I’ve just come across this post I too am in bits and know exactly how you feel as just 3 days ago our little puppy died in an awful freak accident.
while eating his breakfast as he had done every other morning he choked on it ! Small tiny pieces of food and instantly I knew he was in trouble I picked him up and turned him upside down I slapped him on his back tried to reach down his throat hysterically screaming to my husband that the puppy is choking ….
We flew to the car all the time I’m trying to get my little bundle to breathe we went through all red lights horn blaring tiny pup in my arms limp and lifeless I’m calling his name please god no dont take him we’ve only had him six weeks he’s just a baby.
we get to the vets and I run full pelt into the waiting room screaming he’s choking the vet rushes out and takes my wee man into a back room I sit on the floor sobbing uncontrollably this cannot be happening.
10 minutes pass and the vet comes back out and tells us he’s breathing he’s on oxygen but he’s ok! Thankyou god !
she tells us to leave him there for an hour and see how he is so we go home and have a strong cuppa and sit and wait we ring at 2pm one hour after the choking incident to be told he’s a little puffy in his chest and they’ll transfer him to another vets for ongoing treatment and to put a camera down to check his airway he won’t need the animal ambulance he can go in our car,
so off we go to pick him up Aww my little bundle he’s crying and breathing a bit funny but he cuddled into me happy to see a familiar face.
At the new vets they rush him through put him on oxygen and tell us to go home they’ll ring us in a couple of hours.
At home pacing like expectant parents we receive a call they got all the food particles out of his lungs and he’s doing much better but its 5pm and this vet closes at 6 so we will have to transfer puppy angel to a 24 hour vet for ongoing treatment and theyll ring us when he’s settled
Well 6 oclock passes then 7 then 8 at 8.30 we receive a phone call from the vet that puppy angel died! His little lungs just couldn’t cope with the trauma I am devastated I too lost a little boy 14 years ago and it hurts so bad I can’t eat or sleep or stop crying it was such an awful way for my loving little furbaby to die I don’t know what to do with myself just had to share thanks so much sorry for going on but I know you know how I feel thanks for listening I know he’s waiting for me at rainbow bridge sleep well my beautiful boys I love you too much xxx
Hello, I just lost my puppy today too, a grey eyed rott, Pixie… yesterday I read a billboard saying, Pets leave footprints on our heart… I’m sure she was loved ;( I heart breaks even more now. I took Pixie to the vet and she still died :( God bless