*It was pointed out to me that this title could be taken as me leaving the interwebs. Not the case and not deliberately done on my part. My apologies, dudes. ;P
Sometimes I feel like my life is like this big set of stage curtains. It started out as this flaming red, beautiful and perfect thing. But as is the way of it, life has put all these rips, tears, frays and holes in that beautiful fabric. Some holes I’ve been able to patch up. Some patches are prettier and more well executed than others, and some are barely adhering with fabric glue. Some rips and tears haven’t been patched at all. Some probably never will be. For the most part, I’ve come to view all those seams and patches that make up the crazy quilt of my life as something that makes me more interesting and full of character. But that usually only comes after a bit of reflection on my part.
It’s been quiet around here.
When someone like me shuts the curtains and goes quiet, you are generally safe in assuming that it’s not anything awesome that is quelling my non-stop desire to chatter.
My life seems to follow a trend where things tend to happen all at once and often to big, dizzying degrees; both the good things and the bad things. I don’t want you to think that my life only has black rain clouds filling it…it doesn’t. I have had some huge, grand, beautiful and fabulous things happen to me; things I am so grateful and happy for.
But…
It’s been a bit rainy around here as of late and quite honestly, I haven’t wanted to talk about it because one, I didn’t want to sit here and just whine at you all. And two, I’m not even sure how I feel about a lot of it. And three, many things beyond my control are in a purgatory state of waiting to see how they resolve. (Which pretty much sucks six ways from Sunday. Especially when the outlook is grim and there is nothing you can do about it.)
I had a lot of things hit me at once.
I rang in the New Year by losing my job (I really don’t want to get into that one except to say that everyone involved is still on good terms and we all wish each other the best, but I am taking much harder than I anticipated), getting one horrible case of pneumonia along with my wee little Butterlump, having to lay in bed 85% of the day because along with my pneumonia, I dislocated my sacroiliac joint (For those that are blissfully unaware of what injury to this joint feels like, I’ll tell you that it pretty much makes you want to rip your face off. I am used to back suck and pain. I am NO wuss. I have chronic back pain from herniations in my neck and back for about two decades, but this has totally laid me flat, people. It suuuucks. ). I also have to get a lawyer to settle some issues with my ex. This was totally not my choice, it was his. I guess in the end going the official legal route will be better over all, but I get so anxious worrying that this isn’t going to be pretty or end well with lawyers involved. I pride myself on being an excellent ex-wife. We have worked hard to be fabulous co-parents and have a good relationship. I want it to stay that way. I loathe everything about this situation. Everything. Even writing about it, so let’s move on, shall we? And as the cherry on the top of the sundae, my laptop was destroyed during the move.
And those are just some of the things that I can write about.
Even the blessing of my beautiful new house (And really, it IS beautiful. I love it so much) has been difficult in a few ways…we have a lot less monthly money to work with now and our housing costs are double what they were. That is stressful. I’m annoyed I didn’t have any time to just enjoy my house before all these huge worries and stresses hit us. And I feel pretty isolated since we’re fairly far out of town, we’re new and not active in church, which is a huge amount of the social structure in this state.
And I am struggling with how I feel about leaving the house where my little Matthew lived all the days of his short life.
I went from an incredible high of finally owning my beautiful, lovely, dream home, to a series of unfortunate events that came so hard and fast that it sent me into a bit of a tailspin.
It’s been hard, but I am so glad to at least be feeling better than I was a few weeks ago.
I have some freaking amazing friends who not only drove up to see me and bring me cupcakes, but also sent me my very favorite candy in the world in the mail. (Steph, Kim and Lauren, you are simply the best and I adore you..having friends who are there for you when the shit hits the fan is priceless and I’m thankful.) Many of you checked in on me and I want you to know I love you for it. Just asking how I am doing was so considerate and thoughtful of you and it was deeply appreciated.
Butterlump and I have recovered from our pneumonia, but man, my back is still horrible. I have spent SO much flipping time in my bed. I pretty much want to tear my hair out in frustration over it. I’ve left my house exactly THREE times since Christmas. Once, to go to the doctor for pneumonia and back suck, once to go to lunch with my boss and have my job fall apart and once to attend a meeting. Which was done standing up a lot of the time and on pain killers. (I can’t say I recommend doing that. Just so you know.) I am a bit of a homebody, but damn…this is getting to be too much for me.
Parenting the adorable whirling dervish that is known as Butterlump when you have debilitating back pain is not easy. The constant bending and lifting that I have to do with him has made healing this back really difficult and constant physical pain tends to expand the little black rain cloud I have over my head.
I am in bed flat on my back as much as I can be. Even though I have a tremendously beautiful view out my window, I am getting really tired of it. Although, I guess I can say that I have totally caught up on a lot of really awesome television…like watching the entire first season of Shameless, which is to the max graphic and vulgar and contains a cast of characters that are such a train wreck, and so well written and acted that for the life of me I CANNOT LOOK AWAY even when it makes me ill for the moral bankruptcy of some of them. I think part of me is drawn to it because it’s these kids with a HORRIFYING father (So well done by William Macey) have to scrape out and earn this ramshackle existence for themselves. I’ve always loved plot lines like that. It’s kind of like one of my all time favorite books, The Boxcar Children, only in the the ghetto and with a lot more swearing, sex and weed.
Then in my I AM SO ASHAMED TO ADMIT I WATCH THIS viewing category, we have Switched at Birth. I can’t help it. I’m totally taken with it. Will Emmett and Daphne ever get it on??! Is Angelo the creep I think he is going to be??! Will Mr. Kennish ever wear anything that isn’t a polo shirt????!!! THESE QUESTIONS HAUNT ME, PEOPLE! And I cop to having a total girl crush on Emmett, even though it usually makes me want to run screaming into a shower when I stop and think that, while legal, the kid is like, 19. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Hey, at least I am not a 30-something female that is crushing on a sparkly 17-year-old non-human-blood-sucking vampire, right? Give me an adorable deaf guy wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle any day, dudes.)
(Also, my husband just piped up that he totally cannot understand “how you can be so ashamed to watch a show geared towards teenagers when you watch every single episode of “Real Housewives of 18 flipping cities”.) (I might have to concede that he has a bit of a point on this.) (Maybe.)
To make up for my more base television viewing habits, I am also obsessed with the very classy PBS Masterpiece Theater series, Downton Abby. OMG, people. This show is absolute perfection. It starts with the sinking of The Titanic and follows the life of a wealthy and titled Edwardian British family and their servants. I was mourning the loss of Larkrise to Candleford. (Thank goodness for Mr. Bates. I loved him in Larkrise but have so much more of a crush on him in Downton.) If you have ANY fondness for period pieces and love all things British as I do, YOU MUST WATCH IT. Preferably with hot black tea and scones topped with a generous allotment of clotted cream and lemon curd.
And they may have showed my very favorite episode of Psych. Which would be the one that has Shawn stumbling into a bit part on a Mexican Soap Opera. It’s pretty much one of the best things ever. They even changed the title song into Spanish. Comedy gold, people.
Man. I guess you know what a crappy state you are in when the most positive things you have to say are about television, no?
I guess it’s reasonable enough to wallow for a bit. I lost my job. I got sick. I have back suck. I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. I feel a bit isolated and conflicted about the move we made. And I have watched way more television in the last 3-weeks than is good for a dozen people. And that like all stories that are on a blog, you know there is a whole lot more going on behind the curtain than in front of it.
It’s all upended me.
But it’s also time to pick myself up, brush myself off and start peeking my head out of the curtain, dammit.
I’m sick of feeling awful.
And I DO feel like I’m starting to get on the upswing of things. It’s been good to have time alone to think about things. To mourn the loss of some things and people and to ponder the future of others.
I’m not sure what is ahead of me.
Some of these changes are really big and deep and I admit…I still feel a little lost. I have a hard time with big changes. But I also think that there will be something to fill all these tears and holes and spaces that have ripped through the fabric of my life lately.
And I just have to have faith it will be something awesome.
Hugs to you. I’m sorry all this has hit at once.
Oh, my darling…we wondered where you were!?! Message me and I will come pick you up and take you anywhere you want to go! I know what that back is like…or I can bring you goodies! Anyhow…consider yourself hugged. (Love, Ann …John too)
Oh, so sorry LL – hope things resolve and move forward for you again, quickly
I was wondering where you had been, but I knew you were sick, and then there was the move , holidays, etc. I figured we’d be bopping around together come spring again like NOLA last year, and then NYC in August.
I hate that about your job, that blows. And don’t worry, you know I’m not gonna give you the whole “door closes,door opens” spiel. That usually comes back to be the door hitting you square in the ass on the way out.
All I can say is well shit. And that I love you and I hope things get less “well shittier”. *trademark*
Also, apparently I can scratch the “less cussing” resolution, dammit.
XOXO
I love you my friend.
I don’t have words to make it better. I can say I am sorry, when it rains it just seems to pour! {{{HUGS}}}
I’m so sorry Loralee. I’m so sorry that it’s been such a stressful time for you and wish none of us ever had to deal with these situations. I’ve had a sucky day today and am trying hopelessly to distract myself and exhaust myself completely so I can’t think about the fertility setback of today and the likely end of the road for us trying to conceive a child which I am not yet ready to face. Needless to say, it’s not working so, I too, have to drown myself in TV to focus on others trials and tribulations.
Oh, honey.
My problems at the moments are so not even in the same category of what your day has brought you. I am so sorry this is something you are going through. xoxoxoxo
Hoping everything turns around soon. Glad to hear you and Butterlump are over the pneumonia, that was worrisome. Hang in there, better days are ahead.
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!
I am so sorry for all you are going through. Wish I could give you a hug in person!
Sue hurt her back this fall and spent two months lying on the floor in her living room! She even slept there many nights. So horrible!
I’d noticed you’d been quiet, so I was thinking of you. So sorry to hear about all these tough situations. I was dealt several very tough blows in a row at the end of the summer, so I can somewhat understand a bit of what you’re going through. I know words can’t always help, but I’m thinking of you and hoping you feel encouraged and that great things come your way soon.
I’m so sorry you’ve been sick and you’ve lost your job. That’s an awful lot to have hit at once.
I just want to say that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE Downton Abbey! It IS perfection! I am so hooked-even my husband and eight year old son like it, so that’s saying a lot about how good the show is. My facebook status on Sunday(the day we watched the first season), was “If you aren’t watching Downton Abbey, do whatever it takes to see it!”
*hugs lots and lots* That’s all I have that wouldn’t be repeated a a bunch by all who love you.
So sorry about your misfortunes, Loralee. I had a real crappy 2011 too. I had 6 jobs, flunked out of nursing school for one bad grade, and lost the opportunity to buy the house I really liked because they took so darn long working out the details that my credit rating went far enough south to ruin the deal. But I love Shameless and it’s nice to know someone else out there enjoys watching it too. We will be better this year, hang in there, I have, and it’s going to be a good year for us both. Good luck, I will be thinking about you.
oh hugs to you. and Downton Abbey is complete perfection, even if I don’t care for Matthew and Mary but only focus on Mr. Bates. Mistahhh Bates!
OH how I LOVE Mr. Bates! Adore him!
Um, I love Downton Abbey!
Also, much love to you.
Steph
I have a degenerating disc in my back. Nothing, nothing is worse than living with back pain. Okay, perhaps there are worse things but it’s right up there in the top 3 to be sure.
I hear you about all the shit hitting at once. I so get it. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this but yes you do have people out here who love and support you and I am one of them.
Just think… some of the most amazing and moving opera and theatre pieces were done in front of a well-worn, slightly soiled and torn, off-colored red velvet grand drape. It only gets that way with years of experience and much drama. It does not make what happens on the stage any less beautiful only more meaningful. Let yourself enjoy the anticipation of what the next Act will bring… You are loved!
Ditto what Debbie said…she so eloquently put into words what I was thinking. You are a fabulous person, Loralee, and no loss of job or sickness or back pain will keep you down for long! Love & Hugs and here’s to you coming back in all your fabulous-ness to make 2012 a year to remember!
So sorry! Glad you have a positive outlook, which will make things feel better faster :-) So glad you’re watching Shameless. A childhood friend of mine — Shanola Hampton – is on the show and we are super proud of her in our hometown. Train wreck it is…but so beautifully done!
Was wondering were you where. I knew you had been sick and I saw the blurb about you leaving your job and wondered what was up with that… sorry for the ex drama :( but i am glad to see you posting again. I have missed you :)
Thinking of you, and hoping the clouds lift soon. xoxo
Loralee, I love your patch work quilt analogy. I feel the same way. And the coolest thing is that you never know what special little scrap of fabric you will find tomorrow. :-)
Ugh, Sacroiliac pain completely bites. I have problems w/mine-it seems to slip out if I breathe the wrong way. Hubs & I have nicknamed it my “sacred silly ass.” It’s really awesome trying to explain to people why you look like you’re going to pass out (due to pain) after you sneeze. You should get a TENS unit if you don’t already have one…helps tremendously w/back pain! BTW-Hubs & I *both* watch Switched at Birth.
I don’t comment on your blog often (if ever), and I know I should. But here I am, just saying I’m sorry you’re going through all this stuff. Thinking of you as you put it all back together. I do believe there are wonderful things ahead of you.
Every time I’ve bought a new house (we’ve “upgraded” 3 times) catastrophe seems to have struck, leaving me thinking: wasn’t this the stupidest idea I had at bettering my family? Relax, as I’m sure you already know, it’ll work out. The first time, my husband lost his job, and I found out I was pregnant. The second time, I doubled my mortgage payments and realized this would hurt more than we thought it would when coupled with a hefty loan, and the third time, our daughter died 2 weeks after moving in. Yeah, kinda makes you ponder: did I do the right thing?
That said, with time, you’ll get comfortable in your new home and it will become the old homestead! heh, and then you won’t be able to imagine leaving here for the memories either.
I am sorry about your job loss. Was this writing for that magazine? Sorry, was never entirely sure if that was your “day job” or not and felt it wasn’t really my place to ask.
Remember, this too shall pass.
Back suck, sucks. I suffer too, similar problems.
I feel ya sister.
I, too, was wondering if you were okay but I see you were very busy being hit between the eyes with many trials and tribulations. It’s freakin’ hard to dodge all the bullets sometimes. So sorry to hear about your job loss, that sucks at any time but particularly more so after just undertaking a big purchase…like a house! Even if it feels like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, just look around. You will see so many people willing to help you hold your world up. Glad you and Butterlump are feeling better.
Hello ‘Share the same name partner’
You are a most interesting person as those of us become when life keeps changing the dance music.
Just kick your heels and spin around a few times and a new set of tunes will be playing.
i’m sorry everything came at you at once. That is a lot to take at one time. I hope things improve very soon.
As far as the ex thing goes, let me just say it must be something in the air. You and I, seem to be in a similar boat. And it majorly sucks. Ugh.
It was really hard for us to get used to our new mortgage payment, after building. It basically tripled our housing costs.. took us about a year to fully feel like we were *one* with the mortgage… the amount we pay still boggles me, but we’ve worked it out.
Totally made a note to find out if Shameless is on Netflix. At your recommendation, and also because William H Macy is my secret lover… in my dreams!
HUGS, lady. hugs hugs hugs.
Warning on Shameless…it is GRAPHIC AND HOLY COW VULGAR. Max R rating to the hilt. (And truuuust me. William Macey will so not be your secret lover in this series. He is totally disgusting, and vile and probably teaming with a million STDS. (But he pulls it off SO WELL. Heh.)
oh no! oh well! haha! It is available AND as I’ve been reminded now, I watched the UK version some years back! I gave it 4 stars so I must have really liked it! :)
I like graphic. I’m mousy on the outside but LOVES GRAPHIC on the inside. HEE
Man, life just sucks sometimes doesn’t it? I hope your back starts feeling better and that your spirits are lifted. I totally understand your feeling of isolation. We just moved back to Utah from California. All of my family is back in California (not that I am on speaking terms with some of them) and we haven’t been active in the church for many years. We live in Eagle Mountain which is far off the beaten path too. I love where we live and my kids seem to be enjoying it, but we started going back to church just to have some social support. I still have issues with the church but it truly has given us a bit of a social circle to depend on. I am so sorry that you have been through so much in such a short amount of time. I will send out some good vibes and hope that things start looking up!
You’re right, when you don’t post, I worry about you. I’m sorry that life has given you a big ball of suck all at once, but you will get through this.
Now, for the TV part? I’m a college student who doesn’t use my quota. You can just claim that half your TV viewing is my allotment, okay? (and fill me in on this Downton Abbey, because it sounds wonderful and I can’t watch it and expect to get good grades this semester!!!)
I would hug you but I’m not a hugger. But I am outstanding at cheering people up. Which is why I haven’t posted much on my blog lately, either. Life is not being kind to me but who likes a saddo? (Actually, blog readers seem to love a sob story! Weirdos!)
Wishing every day to get better than the one before!
What you need is a couple of Nubian slaves – one holding the big fan and gently waving it over you as you recline on the chaise and the other slave dropping chocolate covered cherries into your mouth – and the occasional grape, just to be more traditional.
Failing that, some brownies made with *ahem* weed *ahem* will perk you up in no time.
xoxoxox
Sorry about all the suck. I certainly understand. I still haven’t exactly gotten over my pneumonia.
I’m glad you discovered the telenovela episode of Psych. It’s definitely one of my faves. I love that they did the theme song in Spanish too.
Hope things start looking up for you.
<3
I have supreme faith that a whole lot of awesome is coming your way.
About the back … have you tried acupuncture? It has worked wonders for me – and I’ve been dealing with back pain for 40 years. My wife treated me to it a couple of years ago as a birthday present. If not the best present ever, it was tied!
It is not a one-time and you are well affair, but after a month of treatments the difference was unbelievable. After years of constant reminders of my body telling me that what I was attempting to do was probably not a good idea, I had to be very careful not to do certain things, because there was no painful warnings that bending over like that to pick up that large box was probably not in my best interest…
If you want any additional emails just shoot me an email. BTW – a lot of health plans now cover acupuncture!
Hugs, friend. I’ve been mainly offline because of The Busy, so I’m sorry that I haven’t checked on you. BIG HUGS.
Love you. xoxo
I love “Switched at Birth.” LOVE IT. The actors in it are all great, and the storylines are juuuuust soapy enough to be fun without being annoying. Don’t be ashamed!
I’m sorry to hear about all the suck. I hope things continue to get better.
Would give you a hug in person if I could. Things will continue to get better. I know you’re not active at church, but hopefully you’ve got a kick ass neighbor like I do who will see how awesome you are and come chill on your porch with you. If you don’t, I’ll come live across from you, and we’ll raise hell together. :)
Being a typical male, my first instinct with problems is to try fix them, or offer advice.
First I want to offer my profoundest sympathy. Back pain makes every thing bad.
On to likely useless advice. See a good chiropractor. Use cold. You can get two blue bags to put in the freezer from the chiropractor’s office. Once they are chilled down, wrap one in a dishtowel and put it against you back. The cold brings down the swelling that is the cause of the pain. When the first one warms up a bit, swap it with one in the freezer. The towel is to protect the skin from frostbite. Take naproxen sodium (aleve) exactly as directed. Don’t exceed the maximum specified. Take an old scarf and wrap the cold pack against the lower back so you can move around with it on.
There are gentle exercises which help. Do the exercises exactly as directed by the chiropractor. Good luck. best wishes, Gramps.
Loralee,
I am SO GLAD to see you back here! I was really worried about you. Does your renewed web presence mean that you got a new laptop out of all the suckiness of the move? :)
I lost my job last summer (nothing personal in that case either, they just ran out of money) and just moved halfway across the country in November to take a new one, and that move isn’t working out so hot, either. I hear you on the isolation and frustration and it being reinforced because what should be positive changes aren’t turning out to be so good after all. I’m sure you’ll find the strength to heal and to keep going.
(By the way, I decided to follow your lead and start a blog, mostly to keep in touch with my friends but also to give myself my own place to vent. Thanks for the inspiration!)