*It was pointed out to me that this title could be taken as me leaving the interwebs. Not the case and not deliberately done on my part. My apologies, dudes. ;P
Sometimes I feel like my life is like this big set of stage curtains. It started out as this flaming red, beautiful and perfect thing. But as is the way of it, life has put all these rips, tears, frays and holes in that beautiful fabric. Some holes I’ve been able to patch up. Some patches are prettier and more well executed than others, and some are barely adhering with fabric glue. Some rips and tears haven’t been patched at all. Some probably never will be. For the most part, I’ve come to view all those seams and patches that make up the crazy quilt of my life as something that makes me more interesting and full of character. But that usually only comes after a bit of reflection on my part.
It’s been quiet around here.
When someone like me shuts the curtains and goes quiet, you are generally safe in assuming that it’s not anything awesome that is quelling my non-stop desire to chatter.
My life seems to follow a trend where things tend to happen all at once and often to big, dizzying degrees; both the good things and the bad things. I don’t want you to think that my life only has black rain clouds filling it…it doesn’t. I have had some huge, grand, beautiful and fabulous things happen to me; things I am so grateful and happy for.
It’s been a bit rainy around here as of late and quite honestly, I haven’t wanted to talk about it because one, I didn’t want to sit here and just whine at you all. And two, I’m not even sure how I feel about a lot of it. And three, many things beyond my control are in a purgatory state of waiting to see how they resolve. (Which pretty much sucks six ways from Sunday. Especially when the outlook is grim and there is nothing you can do about it.)
I had a lot of things hit me at once.
I rang in the New Year by losing my job (I really don’t want to get into that one except to say that everyone involved is still on good terms and we all wish each other the best, but I am taking much harder than I anticipated), getting one horrible case of pneumonia along with my wee little Butterlump, having to lay in bed 85% of the day because along with my pneumonia, I dislocated my sacroiliac joint (For those that are blissfully unaware of what injury to this joint feels like, I’ll tell you that it pretty much makes you want to rip your face off. I am used to back suck and pain. I am NO wuss. I have chronic back pain from herniations in my neck and back for about two decades, but this has totally laid me flat, people. It suuuucks. ). I also have to get a lawyer to settle some issues with my ex. This was totally not my choice, it was his. I guess in the end going the official legal route will be better over all, but I get so anxious worrying that this isn’t going to be pretty or end well with lawyers involved. I pride myself on being an excellent ex-wife. We have worked hard to be fabulous co-parents and have a good relationship. I want it to stay that way. I loathe everything about this situation. Everything. Even writing about it, so let’s move on, shall we? And as the cherry on the top of the sundae, my laptop was destroyed during the move.
And those are just some of the things that I can write about.
Even the blessing of my beautiful new house (And really, it IS beautiful. I love it so much) has been difficult in a few ways…we have a lot less monthly money to work with now and our housing costs are double what they were. That is stressful. I’m annoyed I didn’t have any time to just enjoy my house before all these huge worries and stresses hit us. And I feel pretty isolated since we’re fairly far out of town, we’re new and not active in church, which is a huge amount of the social structure in this state.
And I am struggling with how I feel about leaving the house where my little Matthew lived all the days of his short life.
I went from an incredible high of finally owning my beautiful, lovely, dream home, to a series of unfortunate events that came so hard and fast that it sent me into a bit of a tailspin.
It’s been hard, but I am so glad to at least be feeling better than I was a few weeks ago.
I have some freaking amazing friends who not only drove up to see me and bring me cupcakes, but also sent me my very favorite candy in the world in the mail. (Steph, Kim and Lauren, you are simply the best and I adore you..having friends who are there for you when the shit hits the fan is priceless and I’m thankful.) Many of you checked in on me and I want you to know I love you for it. Just asking how I am doing was so considerate and thoughtful of you and it was deeply appreciated.
Butterlump and I have recovered from our pneumonia, but man, my back is still horrible. I have spent SO much flipping time in my bed. I pretty much want to tear my hair out in frustration over it. I’ve left my house exactly THREE times since Christmas. Once, to go to the doctor for pneumonia and back suck, once to go to lunch with my boss and have my job fall apart and once to attend a meeting. Which was done standing up a lot of the time and on pain killers. (I can’t say I recommend doing that. Just so you know.) I am a bit of a homebody, but damn…this is getting to be too much for me.
Parenting the adorable whirling dervish that is known as Butterlump when you have debilitating back pain is not easy. The constant bending and lifting that I have to do with him has made healing this back really difficult and constant physical pain tends to expand the little black rain cloud I have over my head.
I am in bed flat on my back as much as I can be. Even though I have a tremendously beautiful view out my window, I am getting really tired of it. Although, I guess I can say that I have totally caught up on a lot of really awesome television…like watching the entire first season of Shameless, which is to the max graphic and vulgar and contains a cast of characters that are such a train wreck, and so well written and acted that for the life of me I CANNOT LOOK AWAY even when it makes me ill for the moral bankruptcy of some of them. I think part of me is drawn to it because it’s these kids with a HORRIFYING father (So well done by William Macey) have to scrape out and earn this ramshackle existence for themselves. I’ve always loved plot lines like that. It’s kind of like one of my all time favorite books, The Boxcar Children, only in the the ghetto and with a lot more swearing, sex and weed.
Then in my I AM SO ASHAMED TO ADMIT I WATCH THIS viewing category, we have Switched at Birth. I can’t help it. I’m totally taken with it. Will Emmett and Daphne ever get it on??! Is Angelo the creep I think he is going to be??! Will Mr. Kennish ever wear anything that isn’t a polo shirt????!!! THESE QUESTIONS HAUNT ME, PEOPLE! And I cop to having a total girl crush on Emmett, even though it usually makes me want to run screaming into a shower when I stop and think that, while legal, the kid is like, 19. GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Hey, at least I am not a 30-something female that is crushing on a sparkly 17-year-old non-human-blood-sucking vampire, right? Give me an adorable deaf guy wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle any day, dudes.)
(Also, my husband just piped up that he totally cannot understand “how you can be so ashamed to watch a show geared towards teenagers when you watch every single episode of “Real Housewives of 18 flipping cities”.) (I might have to concede that he has a bit of a point on this.) (Maybe.)
To make up for my more base television viewing habits, I am also obsessed with the very classy PBS Masterpiece Theater series, Downton Abby. OMG, people. This show is absolute perfection. It starts with the sinking of The Titanic and follows the life of a wealthy and titled Edwardian British family and their servants. I was mourning the loss of Larkrise to Candleford. (Thank goodness for Mr. Bates. I loved him in Larkrise but have so much more of a crush on him in Downton.) If you have ANY fondness for period pieces and love all things British as I do, YOU MUST WATCH IT. Preferably with hot black tea and scones topped with a generous allotment of clotted cream and lemon curd.
And they may have showed my very favorite episode of Psych. Which would be the one that has Shawn stumbling into a bit part on a Mexican Soap Opera. It’s pretty much one of the best things ever. They even changed the title song into Spanish. Comedy gold, people.
Man. I guess you know what a crappy state you are in when the most positive things you have to say are about television, no?
I guess it’s reasonable enough to wallow for a bit. I lost my job. I got sick. I have back suck. I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. I feel a bit isolated and conflicted about the move we made. And I have watched way more television in the last 3-weeks than is good for a dozen people. And that like all stories that are on a blog, you know there is a whole lot more going on behind the curtain than in front of it.
It’s all upended me.
But it’s also time to pick myself up, brush myself off and start peeking my head out of the curtain, dammit.
I’m sick of feeling awful.
And I DO feel like I’m starting to get on the upswing of things. It’s been good to have time alone to think about things. To mourn the loss of some things and people and to ponder the future of others.
I’m not sure what is ahead of me.
Some of these changes are really big and deep and I admit…I still feel a little lost. I have a hard time with big changes. But I also think that there will be something to fill all these tears and holes and spaces that have ripped through the fabric of my life lately.
And I just have to have faith it will be something awesome.