I have an identical twin sister.
If you didn’t know that I am a twin, don’t feel bad…I don’t write about her here often.
I have only written a very little bit about the difficulties that my twin sister and I have in our relationship.
We have been estranged for a long time.
And we have had a difficult relationship for even longer.
In fact, it has been difficult for as long as I can remember.
Many of these things are beyond her control…she has damage to her brain and it creates ill-health and social/mental issues that she simply can’t help.
But it hasn’t all been beyond her control. It’s like for our entire life she has been in an intense competition that I wasn’t even participating (or have any desire to be) in.
There were a lot of social repercussions that I faced by being her twin sister.
And that fallout was hard to take as a kid, whether she could help it or not.
I thought things would get better when we were adults but that did not happen.
I don’t want to get into detail but it was hard after the death of my son and well…the straw finally broke during his funeral. I am a very forgiving person. It is very difficult for me to hold a grudge. But I considered her behavior unforgivable. What happened that day made it easy for her to be a target for all that hate and anger and grief that happens when you lose a child.
I had EXTREMELY bitter feelings about her for a very long time.
But like all things, time started to heal me…even if it was a very slow and long process.
Last year on our birthday, I wrote about how torn I felt and wondered if I should call her.
I didn’t.
I wasn’t ready.
On November 7th of this year, we turned 37-years-old.
I offered an olive branch.
I called her.
And she came and had Christmas dinner at my new house.
We will never have a normal relationship. Even if we desired it…as I said before, she has some brain damage that happened at birth and her constant seizing has deteriorated her condition quite a bit…and no one sees it getting any better but rather, worse and worse as she gets older.
So, a ‘normal’ adult relationship is not in the cards for us.
But…I have hope that we can now make the best of whatever kind of relationship is possible for us to have.
At least we’ve made some steps forward.
Fingers crossed.
I cannot begin to understand how difficult it must have been for you to make the phone call. I hope you two can continue to move forward, a few baby steps at a time.
Good for you.
this is a huge step which took a lot of courage. I’ve been estranged from my dad and i think the universe wanted me to stumble across your tweet & read this. your journey,( as hard as it has been ) and the example you set by trying is noteworthy. kudos to you. wishing you an abundance of happiness for 2012 and the best relationship possible w/ ur sister.
best,
li
This healing process probably is good for you.
This has got to be so very hard for you. I understand familial hardships and estrangements. You are such a strong woman.:)
I know this has torn at you for a long time. I applaud your courage & strength, and hope for the best for you both.
I am glad that you were able to do this.
I have a reminder on my fridge to me: Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I’m not saying this to judge you or make you feel bad, but to say that your journey with your sister at this time gives me hope. We can’t control the other person’s response or attitudes or behaviours, but we can control ours.
Hope the coming year is full of fun, family and great memories.
Time heals many things, thank goodness! So glad to hear that you are able to heal this way. You are one of the strongest and most beautiful people I know – inside and out!
Wonderful Loralee, this is wonderful to hear. Brings to mind Michelle Shocked’s line from Anchorage, I Walked Across That Burning Bridge..
You know, I’m an old hippie chick and I think there is no such-a thing as ‘normal’, esp. as regards human relations, and making the best of what you have now *is* being an adult.
Forgiveness is the hardest gift we can give. I hope that your healing is well worth the effort.
You have amazing strength. I wish you all the best.
Your strength never ceases to amaze me.
I am so proud of you.
My brother and I are estranged and actively avoid each other. If I knew what the problem was, what grudge he was harboring, maybe we could work it out.
I hope you and your sister can mend your relationship. Good luck.
The Babe just walked past my little office/alcove and said, “Why do you have tears in your eyes?”
I told her it was because after a long day outside in the wind I had dirt in my eyes, and also Loralee’s identical twin sister came over for Christmas dinner.
She rolled her eyes and didn’t say another word. :-)
That had to be hard…I can’t imagine, on two levels. I would hate being estranged from a member of the family. On another level, without knowing what she did at Matthew’s funeral, I think getting beyond whatever it was would be incredibly difficult. Prayers that this brings you peace.
On another note, it’s funny how identical twins grow up, often looking alike, but quite often, as in your case, looking almost nothing alike. I would never guess you were twin, maybe not even siblings~
Wow, I never thought I’d see this picture. Maybe someday all our family relationships will heal…
You go, Girl! You. Are. Awesome! :)
:) Love you and love that you were able to take this step.
Oh Loralee, I’m thrilled for you. I’m not a twin but I can imagine that being apart for so long, regardless of the reason, must have been so hard for you. I hope things continue to go well. xo
Keeping you and your sister in prayer and what a blessing you are to reach out to her. Hugs!
Happy New Year! I hope you fill your new house with lots of love and joy (and a lot less turtle pee)
I hope your relationship continues to grow stronger. It’s worth it. I also have an identical twin brother–(A great looking guy)–and he remains a great friend.
Ah, my friend, you and I are so much alike in this area. I am glad she joined you for Christmas. Like you, my relationship with the brother will never be normal. Last year he reached out after my surgery, and this year when I did, it was rebuffed. All I can do is try. And since you and I wear our hearts on our sleeves, it makes it tougher to bear the pain of rejection, sorrow, and anger. I guess, we take what we can get and understand that it is not ‘our’ problem, but theirs. Dammit, we are terrific….their loss.
XXOO
you are awesome xo
I know your heart, we have similar ones.
I’ve had similar struggles with a family member. I will never hear “I’m sorry” from them. Ever. But I keep going…I’ve forgiven her the best I can and have moved on.
And feel slightly smug that I’m the bigger person.
Hey, I’m not perfect.
I am writing because I too have a twin that is not quite ‘right.’ Do not know if the damage happened at birth. We are not estranged but it is hard to be close to someone who has the problems she has. Anyhow, I know how hard it is to be a twin with someone you can’t share your life with. Hang in there.