QR codes on grave markers and headstones that link to Internet hosted information about the deceased: I cannot for the life of me decide if this is brilliant or creepy.

I’ve spent the last while feeling damn sorry for myself.

I have been hit with some big changes and big worries in a rather short period of time. When it rains, it pours, sort of thing. I don’t do well with big change.  I actually LOVE little amounts of change. They are like my BFF with pink puffy hearts drawn around them. I crave small change like surprises and twists in my day, a radical hair color or trying new foods and seeing new places. Little changes don’t throw me at all. Big changes like moving and career changes are a whole ‘nother story. And we have quite a few of them on the horizon and it’s taken a toll on me.

I have been stressed and anxious and exuding copious amounts of Poor Me.

And it’s bothering me.

Because y’all know what a fun party the Poor Me’s of the world are, right?

I am no stranger to anxiety, I get more anxious than most people do.

But it’s been ridiculous lately, even for me.

For example, I have a new routine that I do not care for at all.

It consists of me waking up at 3-4 in the morning and literally feeling sick to my stomach. I lay in the dark and worry about pretty much everything and anything from the past, present, and future. I won’t bore you with a play-by-play but these little pre-dawn sessions usually end up with me winding myself up to the point of exclaiming in my head to myself that “OMG, I AM GOING TO END UP HOMELESS AND ALL ALONE LIVING IN A BOX ON THE MEAN STREETS OF LOGAN, UTAH WITH NO TEETH, STRINGY SMELLY HAIR AND OOZING PUSTUALS ALL OVER MY FACE LIKE THAT “BOO!!” WOMAN IN THE PRINCESS BRIDE AND WITH NO OPTION BUT PROSTITUTING MYSELF OUT FOR SPARE CHANGE DOWN ON THE DOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Or something else along those blown out of proportion lines.

I know. It sound ridiculous, no? (Especially the part about prostituting myself down by the docks. Everyone knows Utah is a land locked state. ;) )

But it’s what has been going on for longer than I care to admit.

I turn everything over and over in my head in the hours till the sun rises or until I wear myself out. Sometimes I am able to get back to sleep but more often than not I just end up feeling exhausted all day and my heart races like I’ve just chugged 4 boxes of Cap’n Crunch. (But hey! At least the roof of my mouth doesn’t get ripped up. Silver linings and such.)

It seems like everything is cause for anxiety. From the random and stupid like the startling amount of grey hair I found living in my VERY ample roots to more serious things. Like worry about the huge changes and everything that comes with moving (during the holidays, no less) and owning a home. Or admitting defeat and deciding to not homeschool my middle schooler any longer when we move. Or having one humdinger of a back injury due to a slip and fall. To the status and state of my friendships. Or if I am an adequate mother. Or having a big project I headed up not turning out as well as I would like (more on that later). Or thinking about all the balls I’ve dropped while trying to juggle everything. Or the fact that we’re moving miles out of town and are now a one-car family because we had the freakish bad luck to have the transmission blow to hell on the Audi we JUST BOUGHT.  (With the bill totaling at LEAST $5,000 and with all the expenses of moving and Christmas coming up there is just no feasible way to fix it right now.) To all the worry that comes with things that fall in that that lovely category of “Things Loralee Cannot Share With The Internets”.

There is a lot more I could add to this list but you get the drift.

I’ve felt overwhelmed and anxious and stressed out.

But then a few things slapped me upside the head. One was reading about my friend Sandi. I may have stress, but honestly…she has been hit with more hell lately than anyone on this earth deserves.

And then this…

This video was sent to me about a 16-year-old young man in our community who was paralyzed from the chest down in a football game in October. It’s very moving and I feel so much for him and his family.

A local business, Icon Health & Fitness, is offering a $1 donation towards Parker’s significant medical bills for every “like” they receive on their Weider Facebook page (one of their fitness lines). They are also donating $2 for every new follow on Twitter, you can follow them here.

(I know there are a ton of people out there that need help. I know there are a million different “Click this!”, “Register for that!” you get hit with when you surf online. But if you are feeling charitable, please consider participating. I have long held that when you feel sad or stressed or burdened do something to help someone else. So, I am. This is a tiny bit of effort that as a cumulative effort could be a really big help to a kid and his family.)

Seeing that video put a lot of things into perspective.

I’ve been a one person pity parade and it’s time I pulled a Miss Scarlett bitchslapping Prissy move on my sorry self and pull my head out. Yes, I have a lot on my plate and there are things to worry about but I have huge blessings all around me. And I’ll tell you some of them, if only to remind myself.

I have a family that I love and that loves me back.

I have a roof over my head.

I have food to eat.

I am moving into my very first home that I love more than I deserve.

I have healthy kids.

We may only have one car, but we have A car.

My husband is employed and makes an honest living.

I have a job that helps my family financially and that has brought a lot of sun into my life.

We can make our bill payments.

We may not have everything we want but we have most everything we need.

I have talent that I am blessed to use.

I may have worry and anxiety but there is simply no comparison to the issues I had 5-years ago, not by a long shot.

My back may be painful, but I can still walk.

Sure, some of these problems are annoying, frustrating, painful and disappointing but honestly, they are not severe issues. There are hundreds of millions of people who would probably trade my problems for theirs in a heartbeat. It doesn’t always work to compare your situation to others, I know this more than most. But it can certainly help put things into perspective.

I know it will pass. You can’t stay up forever, but you also can’t stay down forever, either.

It can just be a bit tough to remember in the moment.

I am not naive enough to think that I will stop all this stomach twisting just because I want to.  There are some very legitimate issues that anyone would worry about.

But I can certainly stop throwing gasoline on the fire and indulging it with self-pity and negativity.

And at the end of the day…I’m damn grateful for what I have.

Time to keep that front and center in my head as a focus until the sun comes out again, I figure out some solutions and I have a bit more room to breathe.

xo

I have said it before, and I will say it again.

I like guns.

Hunting isn’t my thing but I like going to a range or up in the mountains and shooting guns.

But like I also said 18-months ago, I was very unsettled about having guns in my home.

Especially after losing Matthew.

My husband has a concealed carry permit and he felt strongly about having a gun on him and in our home, but I felt very torn.

Our compromise was a gun safe.

Which worked.

Until it didn’t.

My husband inevitably had human error occur and after he unloaded and holstered it, he got distracted by one of the billion things we have going on in our lives and home and it wasn’t locked up.

And I walked into a room to see my toddler, my sweet little Butterlump, holding a gun.

In his hands.

Playing with it.

The gun wasn’t loaded and it was not where you would think a toddler could access but Butterlump has been getting into things that are unbelievable. They should change the term from childproofing to Butterlump proofing, because he takes it to another level.

Still.

When I saw him my heart stopped.

Then it exploded.

And a million “WHAT IF’s” ran through my head.

I called my husband.

I was NOT happy*.

And even though the gun was empty, and the safety was on, and as he put it “no way he could have hurt himself” there is just NO FREAKING WAY I can forget or unsee that or feel good about the situation.

My enjoyment of shooting is not worth the chance that something could happen. It’s not worth what I went through when I saw him and the fear I felt.  I can go get a gun and travel to a range to have fun and shoot. My husband can prep his guns where he’s storing them and take the boys up in the mountains with the family when we go to shoot at targets. I can live with the very small chance that a situation will arise to warrant gun use to defend hearth and home much better than I can live with the other possibilities in this situation.

I am not making a pro or anti gun statement here.

I am not telling anyone what to or not do.

I am just telling you what I can and can’t do.

And having a gun in my home  isn’t working for me anymore.

So.

Even though I still like guns, my family will still shoot guns, be educated about guns and fire arm safety (because I think it’s important), my husband was understanding and the guns are now out of the house and stored elsewhere where there are no children to worry about.

And my peace of mind has returned.

*understatement of the year, people