When I was studying opera in college, there was one particular person that stayed with me in my memory.
Her name was Betty.
She was much older than most of the students…probably in her late 40′s.
The reason she stays in my memory is not because she was vocally gifted, she wasn’t, really…I remember her because one day we were talking and I asked why she always had some kind of M.A.D.D paraphernalia on her, be it a bag or a pin or such.
Turns out that she had not one, but TWO children killed by drunk drivers.
In SEPARATE incidences, years apart.
And BOTH of the people driving drunk were underage drinkers.
I’ve thought an awful lot about her over the years…especially after losing my own little one.
You have a lot of fear as a parent anyway, but I think I have a LOT more fear and worry and over-protectiveness that happens since Matthew died than I would have probably had otherwise.
I’ve come to the internet to talk about a lot of things that worry me, especially as a parent. I’ve asked you if you would buy condoms for your kids, I have asked you if I should let my 12-year-old start riding the bus to go places by himself, we’ve discussed how to talk to your kids about things like death and religion, what to do about ‘introducing’ my toddler to the big brother who passed away that he will never know, and how to get a child to be less emotionally attached to objects (Dude. I held a funeral for a balloon with a face on it that popped. It was a big problem.) And every time your feedback has been helpful to me. There is something about broaching a subject and having a discussion with people online that is really beneficial for me in lots of ways. For whatever reason, it often helps me come to, or solidify a decision. Maybe that is why I have been blogging so long, who knows?
So, today we have another topic that has been weighing on my mind for the last, oh, FIFTEEN YEARS or so.
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How far would you go to find out if your teen is drinking? http://ow.ly/6H5HM
I have a son of my own, only 10.5 months but questions like these are already plaguing my mind. I only have one person as my role model. She has twin boys, one graduated form college and has a decent job, the other joined the army and is training to leave for wherever they send him this Fall. Those boys are the most polite boys I’ve ever known and I’ve known them for 6 years or so. Alcohol was never hidden in their house. They were allowed to taste stuff after a certain age (I can’t remember, 16 or so). When they got to the age where their friends (and even they themselves) would start experimenting with alcohol, their mom said there were were very few rules – don’t drive drunk, no matter where you are, if you find yourself already having made the stupid decision to get drunk, all me and I’ll come get you, no questions asked. Also, they were told they could have a beer with the parents at home.
Some people are going to get up in arms about the legal age and the parents contributing to underage drinking. Let me ask you this, how many kids do you know of who go off to college and start experimenting and made hugely bad mistakes because of their past sheltered lives and now sudden exposure to alcohol? I am one of those. My friend’s sons? Never binge drank when they went off to college. Never once have they drunk driven. Never once have they gotten sloppy drunk and gotten into fights etc.
That’s why she’s my role model.
It’s tough to know what to do when you don’t really drink. And no one around you really drinks as an adult. I’m not going to bring alcohol in my house to aclimate my kid, you know?
But as a totally naive person I also TOTALLY get this point of view.
We have a 22 year old daughter and the high school drinking was a huge discussion at the time. We are social drinkers in our family so she was always around it and when the time came to have the discussion, we made it clear that we would always be just a phone call away, at anytime, to come and get her with no questions asked, until the next day when it would be discussed and appropriate punishments would be meted out. It was then pointed out that, if we found she had been drinking and driving, it would be game over. She would lose her car, any previous privileges she had and, perhaps most importantly, our respect. It worked. Her teen years were not problem free, and there was one 3AM “come get me” phone call, but we got through it. And, while she drinks now, she is just as comfortable being a sober driver and we have seen her get up in the middle of the night to pick up a friend. So I guess my advice is to just lay it out there, consequences and all and cross your fingers. You cant be around them 24/7. You are good parents, your kids will (mostly) make good decisions.
Oh, and if I wanted to beat the breathalyzer, I would have a sober kid at the party blow into it. Date and time stamp would be right. Not that I am trying to make you more crazy :)
“She would lose her car, any previous privileges she had and, perhaps most importantly, our respect.”
Love that.
And also, it takes a photo as you blow into the straw. Full face,so there is no ‘having someone else blow in it” for you. The safeguards are what made it so interesting to me.
It was actually Debbie Gibson. Don’t taint his memory with that whore Tiffany.
BWAHAHAHA!
“CHILDREN BEEEEEHAAAAAAVVVVVVVEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Any action or inaction is behavior.
Might not be appropriate for the situation. But it IS behavior.
Wait…was this supposed to be on this comment, Joe?
My husband and I have a 24 y/o son and a 19 y/o daughter. Neither of us drink, never were much into it but that doesn’t mean we think it is necessarily wrong, done responsibily. We had the same rule as Dirk, if you drink or are riding with someone who is drinking, call us, we will come and pick you up with no questions asked and no lecture, at least that that moment. And we made sure that they were aware of the consequences when someone drinks (or whatever) and drives and gets caught. Our son was in a fraternity in college and regaled us with stories as a pledge when he was assigned “fire duty” which basically was being the designated driver for any fraternity brother who called and told him to pick them up. My only experience with Greek Life was watching Animal House way too many times, so I was surprised to learn that responsible drinking was high on the priority list at this fraternity, at least at that particular university. All that being said, our daughter did push the envelope while in high school, not with drinking or drugs, but she did get into some trouble and found out that your sins will be discovered and if they are illegal, you get nabbed and it isn’t pretty. She came out of that experience with a life lesson that she has been able to really learn from and apply to every other aspect of her life. Now she is in university and staying far, far away from things she shouldn’t be around.
I agree with you. Kids will be kids and they can’t aways see far enough down the road to figure out what could happen if they get into a bad situation. Our job is to protect them until they can figure it out. And I agree that they need some privacy. But if the boundaries have been breached, then privacy is earned, not a given.
” And I agree that they need some privacy. But if the boundaries have been breached, then privacy is earned, not a given.”
Could not have said this better.
@looneytunes: How far would you go to find out if your teen is drinking? http://ow.ly/6H5HM 1st response – LaTienda. 2nd Ask him
HA! LaTienda…that is the site across the border where that infamous bottle of vodka was purchased. ;)
Seems like most of the parents of older kids here are on the same page. My hubs and I don’t really drink – at least it is very rare. Just lack of interest, really. My family are all social drinkers. So, when our two oldest girls got to be driving age, we decided to let them know what our expectations were, and then take the stance that alcohol really isn’t that big a deal. We wanted them to be able to have tastes and whatever at home, see what the fuss was all about…etc. My brother was CONVINCED that they were going to be binge drinking and trying stuff ALL THE TIME. He thought we would never really know where our girls were, etc. Turns out, making it not a big deal, being honest with them, and them having really nice friends is what worked for us/them. We literally ALWAYS knew where they were. These kids had the same friends their whole lives, and they were always with them, at their houses, or where ever. We, sadly, did have a kid in their school who was killed drinking and driving, so they did learn from that, too. We were lucky, they were able to see what stupid choices did to people. It’s a tough, scary thing. Just make sure you really, really know your kid. Be present to them, and that little promise you can make to pick them up, anytime, any where? Do that. We have ALWAYS promised that. Luckily, never had to do it for our own kids, but once did it for one of the girls’ friends who was scared to call her mom to come get her out of a scary situation. That goes a ways with your kids, too, knowing that you would help a friend out, as well, and get them home safely. Lets them know how strongly you do feel about underage drinking, if you are willing to go out at 2am to get a kid who is in trouble.
Okay, I did NOT mean that we were lucky that the boy died, I meant that we were lucky that the girls were able to learn from others mistakes…sheesh – that was horrible.
Oh, gosh no…I totally knew what you meant. Like Erin says below…alcohol can harm and kill and when you see that up close it often takes away any desire to have anything to do with it.
My son has had exposure to the harmful effects of alcoholism in a family member. He has seen first-hand that person go into a seizure when drunk. He now tells all his friends that alcohol is bad. I, too, saw the effects on a family member and never had even a small desire to partake. I guess bad examples can be good?
“I guess bad examples can be good”
Absolutely. I think I have actually heard that more often then people mimicking the good qualities in role models.
My son is around the same age as yours, Loralee. I was also the good kid who never, ever tried drinking as a teen. In our family, alcohol is an ingredient in cooking, but we never ‘party’ or drink for ‘fun’. We hardly ever have alcohol in the house.
Kevin is very scientific, so I’ve appealed to the logical side of him when teaching him about alcohol. He has been interested in the chemistry of making it, so we have researched how beer/wine is produced, what exactly it does to your body, etc. He has come with me into the liquor store to buy wine to cook with (and actually has a much better idea of what goes with what than I do). We have an agreement that on his 19th birthday (legal age in Canada), if he wants, I will personally take him to a pub and buy him a drink. Until then, there will be no drinking in our home other than the alcohol in the stew/soup/etc. It’s illegal. Period. We have talked about attitudes to do with binge drinking, kids who go wild once they can drink, the fact that it’s not a magic elixir but rather one that makes you sick and stupid.
He knows that I will not freak out if he tries a beer, but there will be some serious conversation. Now if he drives afterwards, I would personally see that his license be suspended, he’d lose our respect, his privacy, etc. Here in BC with the way getting a driver’s license goes anyway, he won’t be getting a full license until he’s in college-so that’s fine. He could phone me and I’d go get him, no questions.
Communication, I think, is the key. Lay the consequences out there right from the get go, and hope you never have to use them.
“Communication, I think, is the key. Lay the consequences out there right from the get go, and hope you never have to use them.”
Holy cow you all are coming up with some brilliant quotes.
I am torn here, Karen. You know my upbringing as I know yours and it was just a bad thing to do, period.
I don’t really feel that way anymore but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t some knee jerk reactions and but, but, buts going on in my head about how I feel about it all…
SO commenting on each of these but I have to run to an appointment…just wanted to let you know I’m reading and chewing on all the really great comments and advice. xo
Well I don’t know exactly how to put this, but there is a difference between underage drinking, and, drinking and driving [whatever the age]. Make him/them see the distinction. I would be pissed off if my kid took a beer out of the fridge, but I would be INSANE WITH RAGE if I thought that he then went driving.
-none of my kids had their own cars, we be po’ folk. That was kind of its own solution, for my family.
Have you heard of Jacqui Saburido? Her case occurred in my town. The court drama… she barely escaped with her life and little else, the guy that hit her was in college driving drunk and I couldn’t believe the people who were sympathetic to him. every time somebody said something, Jacqui’s face came to mind. I ranted and raved about it numerous times and I am sure some of that sunk into my kid’s brains. She’s done a lot of work locally, appears at schools and such, she is a familiar member of Austin and surrounding communities. I am so proud of her.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacqueline_Saburido
http://helpjacqui.com/
-I’m in favor of using the Soberlink system. Unless the kid bought and paid for his own car. And all the repairs. And pays the insurance. And rent. I’m so serious. You are morally and to an extent financially responsible for your kids and any impact they may have on society.
Kids -do- need to be made to understand that it is not personal, it’s just the way it is. With rights (driving) comes responsibility.
Had not heard of that case…WOW. So sad…
In the religion I was raised in, ANY alcohol was bad, period, the end. Like I said to Karen above, it’s a tough stance to shake in my head. I can do it for myself but with my kids…gah. Dunno.
I don’t have children of my own yet,( but am trying desperately through fertility procedures – a whole other story or stories) but worked in student affairs and residence life for 13 years and then left due to burnout, a lot of which was due to alcohol abusing students. Over the years I worked in the field, the issue of students recklessly abusing alcohol, sometimes to the point of near death due to alcohol poisoning, steadily worsened over the years. Perhaps the most alarming part of dealing with that situation over and over again was the laissez-faire attitude of so many parents who seemed to condone or even expect that this was just normal behavior. This attitude on the part of parents always astonished me and still does. The attitude of the students choosing to abuse alcohol was basically that everyone does it which couldn’t be further from the truth and their abuse of alcohol always negatively impacted the community. So from my perspective, nip it in the bud early recognizing that some experimentation is probably to be expected but don’t turn a blind eye. The attitudes about the use and abuse of alcohol start early and by the time they get to college you’ll have much less control and information as most colleges have privacy policies that may not keep you in the loop until your child ends up in the ER. Private colleges have a bit more latitude when it comes to keeping parents informed. Those are just my two cents.
I suppose locking them in their rooms until retirement isn’t an option. Sigh.
And? So much hope and good wishes to your road to having a child…it’s quite a path and I hope it goes well for you. xoxoxo
Correction, Loralee. Teen DRINKING does not ruin lives. DRINKING AND DRIVING does. There is a difference and it is obviously important to not confuse the two.
I would buy the machine, but I agree that it’s important to try to build some trust first, if you can, before having to use it. At the end of the day, though, you’re the parent and if you want to use it with your kids then nobody else has the right to comment when all you are doing is trying to keep them safe.
I don’t think teen drinking is straight from the devil. I was drinking at home from age 12. This is also something I would encourage you to implement with your son if you agree. By “drinking at home” I mean being allowed about a half inch of wine in a glass on Sunday, not chucking back shots and alcopops. Drinking at home meant that alcohol held little to no mystery for me. I’m 25 now and can still count the number of times I’ve ever got paralytically drunk on one hand. And by “paralytically drunk” I don’t mean not being able to remember anything (which is an experience friends and family of mine have had after drinking – now THAT I find frightening). Drinking to excess has just never been an interest of mine and I owe at least half of that to being able to drink small amounts at home in a safe and secure environment.
Conversely, while my younger sister was also given the opportunity to drink at home, she never liked the taste of wine and so never took to it. When she went to university, though, she got totally into the drinking scene and still enjoys, even today (she’s now 22) going out and getting trashed every now and again (which is not something I enjoy, but is still a far cry from going out every Friday and Saturday and doing it). You can perhaps therefore see why I believe a slow introduction to alcohol at home is important.
Of course, this will all depend on what the laws in the US are – I’m from Britain and now live in France, and the laws on drinking are much more relaxed here (you can drink at home from age 5, in public with a meal from something like age 14 and in public without food from age 18).
Education is important, then, and I’m sure you plan to educate James to the fullest about drink driving. WHAT to drink is also important – you can get drunker, quicker if you are consuming spirits than if you are consuming beer or wine, and alcopops are particularly dangerous as they often don’t even taste like alcohol at all (do they even have those in the States?). I would personally combine that theoretical education with controlled drinking within a home environment but appreciate that may not be for everyone.
I’m running back out the door and have SO much to say to this very thoughtful comment but I need to throw this out there…
An extended family member was arrested for underage drinking.
It is a loong story but it has pretty much ruined her life.
It’s been a tough thing to watch and man…I do not want that for my kid. (Seriously coming back to this because I ADORE the view from a different country!) P.S. Lovely to see you again! xoxoxo
LOVING all the commentary on teen drinking and driving and parental involvement. The POV are totally thought provoking. http://ow.ly/6HKPr
I drank as a teen. I started when I was 15. But I never got into a car with someone who was drinking. This was thank to both my parents and the parents of friends.
My parents always told me that they would pick me up anywhere at anytime of night if I needed them to. They made it 100% clear that they would not be mad at me if I called them and disturbed their sleep rather than get in a car with someone I knew or thought had been drinking.
I also had friends whose parents lived close to where we often partied and they welcomed as many people as could fit onto the couch, floor or wherever to crash at their house. I always knew I could show up there with or without their son (my friend). I knew that they would never tell my parents or anyone else’s parents who was drunk, who puked in the garden, who made out with whom.
Knowing that I had those safe places and safe people meant that I never felt the need to get in a car with a drunk driver.
I briefly dated a Canadian and I remember his attitude about drinking was much more relaxed than here in the US. And he was very responsible about it.
I love that they kept you safe (because hello…it is why I am so torn on this) but I still hesitate to be that chill with partying…at least in high school.
I think if I found out a parent had let my kids drink under their roof while underage I would be pretty pissed off.
My parents always reminded me whenever I went out that they trusted me. They knew my friends and even if I was going someplace they didn’t know the parents, or a party or wherever, they reminded me that I could always call them if I needed a ride home, and NEVER to get into a car with someone who had been drinking.
Now, that said, neither I nor my friends nor anyone at any parties I ever went to ever drank, and I was also one of the first of my friends to get my license, and I didn’t really drink until college (where no one even had a car). It was just nice to know they trusted me and were there for me even if I did screw up.
My own son is not quite four. So right now, I kind of plan to take the same approach, make sure he understands the dangers and trust him to make good choices or call me to get him before he EVER gets into a car with someone who’s been drinking. But a lot can change in 12 years, so we’ll see how it goes when we get there. Good luck!
We have been having the “trust” conversation for as long as I can remember.
To be honest, my eldest has a ways to go in some areas. Driving is going to be delayed if he doesn’t step his game up and show me that I should both trust him and his life with my car (or any car). It might play differently with my younger kids…they are all VERY different personality.
My wife and I enjoy drinks. When we had wine with dinner the kids got watered wine if they wanted it – say about an ounce of wine in 12 of water -when they were about 7 or 8. As they got older the portions changed, and they also got to taste mixed drinks and single malt scotch and beer.
For a while my wife worked at a winery in the Napa Valley, and a few times a week brought home the open bottles from the tasting room, so we had some good quality wine. Also, at church, we had a few excellent brewmeisters – as in winning awards in national competitions with some regularity. They also brewed up meads and some wine. They brought their work to share at parish cookouts on Sundays and feast days. They were also free at giving us bottles of their wares. A dry mead pairs quite well with roast pork. So does a semi-sweet hard cider.
We taught the kids to enjoy wine and beer for the flavor and as a compliment to food, not to drink to get drunk. And we taught them with good stuff. When the boy was 15 or 16 he actually called from a party and said, “Mon, I hate you! I’m at a party and all they have is Bud Lite and box wine!” The girl does not drink at all now, and I don’t think ever got drunk. The boy will have a few beers on a hot day.
We were bad, I guess. We taught them the “R” word – responsibility.
I should add that not only did we take away the ‘forbidden fruit’ aspect of drinking, we let them know that if they were out and drinking, we would pick them up at any hour if they didn’t have a safe way home.
I have never acclimated to the taste of alcohol, Joe, though I DO enjoy using it in cooking. I am afraid I am one who drinks only when I want to take an edge off…which may entirely be a portion of why I am freaking out like I am on the subject, no?
Ah! You take and occasional Exlier!
A lot of alcohol is an acquired taste. Some of the medium sweet and sweet wines and liqueurs though go down smooth right from the start. My wife didn’t really drink until she met me (shut up!) but I introduced her to good wines, good scotch, good vodka, and good beer. But, we don’t drink a lot. A fifth of scotch will last us a year or more. And I have a bottle of wine in the fridge that we opened about two months ago.
I have started using a fair amount of gin in cooking. If you like using juniper berries with pork, poultry, or lamb,you will like the flavor profile of gin in foods. And I’ve always used both beer and a small shot of scotch (not bourbon) in split pea soup. The beer gives a richness and the scotch – single malt if you can afford it – gives a smokiness to it.
But, it all comes down to education, trust, and personal responsibility.
I love the idea of a cultivated palate as a defense against high-school drinking! Though remembering the first time I tried Bud Lite after drinking real beer, I think there’s a lot to be said for it.
To me there are multiple issues at play – underage drinking, underage alcohol abuse, and drunk driving.
Drunk driving – I agree with all the above great suggestions. Growing up, my parents had the ‘call anytime’ rule, but I didn’t fully believe then on the ‘we won’t be angry’ part. If you take this route, only promise what you know you’ll be able to deliver on, and make sure your kid believes you!
Underage alcohol abuse is tricky – it’s something I’ve only got secondhand experience with, and it’s a messy, destructive and terrifying thing. I defer to the experts on this one.
That said, I’m firmly in the category of people who don’t think that *all* underage drinking is alcohol abuse. In our society, high school (and college) are the main times when most of us ‘see what all the fuss is about.’ The fact that it’s illegal and you can get arrested isn’t something to be glossed over, but if your kid is one of the many who’ll be experimenting, there are ways to make sure you’re there to support them and mitigate the dangers.
Since you & Jon don’t drink, I think that a lot of the fascination will be minimized, and anything that you can do to demystify what drinking involves will help, too. Most of all, getting a head start on working through your discomfort will help make the conversations a lot less emotionally fraught for all involved, which will help keep communication easier.
(As for the breathalyzer: I’m guessing that MacGyvering up a long tube, sober friend + fake prop straw for the drunk kid to use might yield some interesting results. Of course, you’ve got to be sober enough to rig the apparatus up correctly, so maybe that’s a test in and of itself.)
I can verify that I would not be angry to get them home safe but honestly…If it became a pattern and a problem is what I’m worried about.
I can’t lie…if it was their junior year and I had multiple calls of them drinking or their friends drinking? Something would have to change period. Because I am just not ok with that.
BUT I WANT THEM TO GET HOME SAFE, OMFG WHAT DO YOU DO?
Ugh.
And…with the thing…I am not seeing how it could be done with the photo in the video. It’s pretty clear that it is them, their mouth, one clear straw…I just don’t see how you could rig it.
Just extend the straw. The ‘helper’ blows the straw from a distance while the photographed kid makes it look like s/he is blowing the near one.
I have seen the devastating effects of alcohol mixed with motor vehicles first hand. I have knocked on front doors to tell parents that their children will never again come home. I have seen a teen passenger who was so intoxicated that he didn’t realize that the friend that he was shaking and yelling “Let’s go dude the cops are here” to no longer had a head. It’s not just driving drunk, it’s just being in the car that you need to talk to your kids about.
I also investigated many sexual batteries that were a direct result of teenage alcohol use.
With all of that, the thing that infuriates me the most is the permissive parent who hosts the party “to keep them safe”. I never met a parent who hosted a kegger who I’d trust my children with. It’s not the responsible thing…it’s the illegal thing! Many of the parents that I called to come pick up their child had no idea that their kids are at a “sanctioned” party.
All that being said…I think the device is clever.
And this is pretty much putting into words every fear and thought and opinion I have.
I cannot get on board with a parent hosting an underage drinking party BUT…I would rather come pick them up at ANY hour then have you at more door telling me they aren’t coming home.
(And I am so very sorry you ever had to do that or see the horrible things you did. Truly. :( )
For me, I think my parents’ open attitude with alcohol made a lot of difference. We regularly keep alcohol in our house (a liquor cabinet with red wine, and white wine and beer in the fridge), but both of my parents are very much the moderated type (a beer after working outside, one glass of wine with dinner, etc).
But they never made alcohol a big deal around me. As a kid, if I asked what they were drinking, I could try some. As a teenager, if I wanted a glass of wine, that was fine. It took away a lot of the forbidden fruit allure that alcohol has to many kids. It was never something that was cool cause I couldn’t have it.
I’m in my 20s now and in grad school, so drinking’s been a normal part of student life since we all turned 19 (Canadian legal age). That said, I’ve never had abuse issues because I was introduced to it as a no-big-deal thing when I was a teen. Just pointing out the flip side cause it did work for me. But hell, when I’m a parent, who knows if I’ll be that calm? :)
It’s tough when you are a parent…I find myself torn on many a thing. It just scares me to introduce it in a lot of ways…I know it wasn’t a big deal to you (and very glad for you and how it turned out) but not everyone can be casual about alcohol…especially if you have an addictive personality like I do. (Seriously, I am SO DAMN GRATEFUL that my deepest vice is Diet Coke and that I don’t have a taste for the more serious things like smoking, drinking, etc.,because I would be in serious trouble.)
The turn in discussion about parents allowing underage drinking @ parties has been really intriguing.(FYI-I’m not for it) http://ow.ly/6I5gK
My son is 7 but my husband and I are already in agreement. We will sign a contract with our son. He can call us anytime, anywhere, anytime and we will come get him. He is never to drive under the influence or to get in a car with someone who will. We will come with no questions asked and discuss in the light of day. Consequences will be fair (if he was the one under the influence) and he will also be rewarded if he left a place where others were drinking.
I drank as a teenager (19 – college age) but never to the point of drunk and never ever if I was driving. Alcohol was around when I grew up (my parents would drink at holidays/socially) so it was never a thing that I had to drink. I am raising my son the same way.
Ok. I got drunk a couple times my senior year of high school. I was hit by a drunk driver when I was 16. I NEVER drank and drove.
My parents were far from perfect, but I always knew I could call them and they would come pick me up if I needed it, no questions asked. They wouldn’t freak out, because that’s what keeps kids from calling their parents.
I’ve done PLENTY of stupid things in my life, but I can honestly say that my parents managed to never freak out in front of me when it counted. Seriously, I have NO CLUE how they did it, but they did. And it made ALL the difference.
Loralee, I don’t think you’ll have an issue with this, because it sounds like you have a good relationship with your boys. You’re not the kind of mom who buries her head in the sand as soon as something tough comes along. You don’t ignore the signs.
I’m telling you, I’ve had friends who couldn’t tell their parents ANYTHING because they’d freak, and friends who had parents like mine; the ones who can talk to their parents, even if they are doing something their parents don’t like, don’t make stupid mistakes like thinking driving drunk is awesome and they’ll never get in trouble.
I admit, I’m crazy impressed with that technology. Though I think the issue is that kids will go someplace and then drive somewhere else drunk and how could you make them do it before leaving if you’re not there?
I told my kids do not drink and drive, and do not get in a car with anyone that is driving drunk. I also told them that any time they needed a ride either because they were drinking or someone else was, that they should give me a call and I would get them home. No repercussions, no lectures, no trouble for any of their friends, nothing, but they could trust me to find a way to pick them up and get them home safely. I only had to pick up my daughter one time. I got her home and never said a word. They will get into situations, let them know that getting home safe is what is important.
Drinking and driving is unacceptable at any age.
Soberlink is not intended to track that. Soberlink is a device that gives you GPS location, photo, and a BAC reading at an instant. This is what you use to tell your child that you have no confidence in their judgment to make decisions and that you do not trust them.
This is how young people avoid learning to take responsibility for their own actions, make the right choices for their own benefit, and stand up for their actions.
At what point, then, do you let them give it up? At college? When they are 30?
We need a system in place that allows children to fail more often in low stakes places, learn to take responsibility for their own failures and do better the next time. We do not need more systems that undermine kids responsibilities and infantilizes them further.
I did lots of underage drinking (away from home) as a teen, but never drinking and driving. I outgrew the drinking in college and now will just have the occasional glass of wine for an occasion or dinner out. So, despite the teen years of drinking, I didn’t turn into an alcoholic.
For my high school-aged teen, if his grades stay up (all A’s, the occasional B, grades he is accustomed to earning), I let him live his life and generally grant him my trust. I also repeatedly remind him that I can be called anytime of the night for a ride home (and I do not add the caveat that discussion and punishment will occur in the light of the next day — such a caveat only discourages that middle of the night call for help, don’t you think?).
It is definitely scary to be a parent, but if your child has already displayed a good level of common sense for his age, I don’t think you need to stress in advance. Take it as it comes and deal with it as necessary – all of this “pre-emptive strike” stuff, like the Soberlink, just tells them you don’t trust them.
Remember your own teen years and let them live.