It’s hard to believe that it has been so long since I saw you.
Eight years today, in fact.
I sat to write this post and your little brother came running up to me, wanting to sit in his mama’s lap.
He saw your photos on the screen and said “Baby! Maddew!’
And my heart broke into a million pieces of joy and sadness.
Sadness that he will never know you and joy that he knows you anyway.
Eight long years you have been away from us.
It doesn’t seem that long ago I was wearing REALLY unattractive maternity shirts (seriously…that shirt had to have been the very last option I had in my closet because WOW) and then laying for hours in a hospital bed waiting for you to get here.
I loved you right from the start. My little man with bright red hair. I wish everyone could have seen that hair…I loved it so. Loving you was probably the only truly perfect and good thing I have done in my life.
Your dad was pretty nuts about you, too. (Don’t ask about his hair. I have no idea to this day what THAT was all about. He swore that he liked the clean cut look when we were dating. But then, he also swore that he didn’t like watching sports on television, too.)
EVERYONE loved you to bits and pieces. All our friends and family got to meet you and love on you.
And love on you THEY DID.
EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE WE ALL LIVED FOR LOVING YOU.
You would have been eight years old this year. That is almost unthinkable to me. EIGHT. Every time I see a child your age, it both hurts and is comforting to me. I wonder how you would be at eight. I want to tell everyone that loves an eight-year-old to hold on to those precious children as tight as they can because I can’t do that for my little one.
I complain all the time about the tiny house I live in, but you know what? I love it because it is where you lived. You had such a short time here but I look at my tub and see the place you splashed and laughed. I see the room your brother Aaron sleeps in now and remember coming in in the wee hours of the morning to feed you and rock you and kiss all your chubby fat rolls and soft places. You were my best friend in those early morning hours when the light turned from black to midnight blue. You made it less lonely.
I still have all your little things in boxes.
I still look at the few (and very poor quality) photos that we have of you.
(Seriously…EVERYONE BUY A GOOD CAMERA AND USE IT RELIGIOUSLY TO PHOTOGRAPH YOUR LOVED ONES, PEOPLE. Otherwise you will be stuck with very few, and very grainy photos and have a lifetime of regret that you didn’t have a decent camera.)
I still remember the feel of your cheek as I snuggled it next to mine.
I still carry your memory in my heart.
More than anything, I just wish you were here with us.
We loved you so much, Matthew.
Some days I do feel lost.
Sad.
Broken.
How could I not? I lost YOU.
But, I also know that you would want me to keep going on the best that I can. I know you would want us all to be happy, even if you aren’t here with us.
We miss you so.
But we are ok.
Your mama is ok.
Slowly, it has gotten better.
I’m doing better.
So much better.
More than anything I want you to know what joy you brought to my life.
You made me so very, very happy, my sweet little one.
I didn’t have you nearly long enough.
I love you to bits, down to your sweet toes.
You will always, always be in my heart.
Love,
Your momma.
(Much love and thanks to everyone online and off who has been there for us these last years. You are truly angels and have lifted me up on your wings many a time. xo)
I miss you so. #matthew http://ow.ly/6CuBB (Hardest night of my year.)
Sending you love tonight. What a beautiful boy he is.
Lots of love to you and yours, my friend.
He’s so beautiful. I wish it were different, and I know you are grieving today. I know you will never be “over” it, but I am so glad that you have allowed yourself to start to move through it. I am so glad you were blessed with him, even if it was for way too short a time. Families are Forever, and he is yours forever. Blessings and love to you and your family.
Moving images and story. Very. I loved holding that delicate little life always and giving her the bottle late at night before my bedtime and long after my wife had gone to sleep. She would happily lie there gurgling away and polish off the bottle and then she would just as happily go up to my shoulder for some tapping and burping and we would both listen to the late night news while she fell asleep before putting her to bed. I miss that a lot. We only had one but she is wonderful.
Love you to pieces. This was such a wonderful tribute to your sweet Matthew.
Get a kleenex RT @looneytunes: I miss you so. #matthew http://ow.ly/6CuBB (Hardest night of my year.)
My heart aches for your loss. Such a wonderful post about your little boy. He will always live in your heart. Hugs Mama.
You inspire me to be a better mom!
So very, very achingly lovely.
Bless you.
Sending love your way, Loralee.
after reading this post, I feel like I know Matthew a little bit more. He will not be forgotten, by you, or those of us who know him through your writing. My you find peace tonight…
Happy birthday, little guy. You are missed.
I feel your heart today. I know your heart today. I send my heart today.XXOO
Thinking of you and your family.
That song reminds me of my Grandma. I miss her everyday.
Sad & beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. xo
Loralee, while reading this a thought struck me. I bet redheads are special in heaven just like they are here. I’m sending a big redheaded (streaked with gray) hug to your family tonight. Peace to you my friend.
Loralee, I’m thinking of you and your family. I get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes when I read about your Matthew. I listen to your advice of hugging my babies and taking pics of them. I don’t do it enough. I will, I promise, for you, and Matthew. Hugs.
Oh sweetheart. I am sending big love, hugs your way.
Thinking of you and aching for you and for me. Peaceful dreams tonight for you and your hubby.
warm thoughts and virtual hugs
Every time you post about Matthew, I am so saddened for you. What a terrible, unspeakable loss. I have a four month old and I just checked on him and wept over his bassinet. I don’t know how something like that happens. In googling SIDS, there is a link to the four month old checkup and getting DTP shots. The mortality is highest at 21 days post shot. Did you look at his records and when he got the DTp shot? So sad to read moms who blog about these shots and the death from SIDS. We just had our sons DTP shot at his four month check up and it’s been 28 days. So confusing what to do. Matthew was such a beautiful baby. Thank you for sharing!
No comment I come up with is ever satisfying enough to post. I care, I’m listening, I’m sorry, I remember, I’m here. *hug*
I miss you so. http://t.co/MXerJl4p
I can definitely feel your loss Loralee. You are the luckiest woman in the world to have kissed the face of an angel and called him your own.
I wish we knew what to say to each other to make it all better. Holding you and Matthew in my heart today. Xoxo
holding you close.
Thinking of you, your darling angel, and the rest of your family today, Loralee.
I’m so sorry you went through this. And I’m so glad you’re doing better now.
I always think it’s douchey when I see people type “*hugs*” … but … *hugs*.
OK, fine: I’m a douche now.
I woke up thinking of you today. Sometimes I forget for a second that Emma and Matthew are the same age, and then I see the picture of Matthew in the bouncy seat…the same one I bought for Emma and that all my babies have sat in, and I remember. *sigh*
I love you my dear sister. My dear sister in grief. I pray for some peace to your heart today. Know if I were in Logan we’d be getting Tandoori Oven, Diet Coke and Kookaburra Licorice.
xoxo
MT @looneytunes: I miss you so. #matthew http://ow.ly/6CTE9 (Hardest day of my year.)
I learned about this internet site via Google two days ago and that I am certainly enjoying all the statistics being shared appropriately! Many thanks again!
Remembering with you and all mamas of angels…
thinking about you, your family and sweet Matthew today
My oldest daughter turned 8 in July so this post brought me to tears. I can’t imagine the pain you and your family have had to endure. You are an awesome mom and I am sure Matthew knows how much he was and is still loved. You and your boys are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Thinking of you Loralee.
I love you, Friend. I’m sorry.
Did you know that Natalie often tells me that she wishes Mathew was still here because she KNOWS he would have played with her more than the older boys do? It always makes me smile. I miss you friend, and I sent a hug to you from me to be given by your husband. =)
Oh, sweetie. I think of you every year at this time, and pray for you and yours. Love you.
He was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.