I miss you so.

It’s hard to believe that it has been so long since I saw you.

Eight years today, in fact.

I sat to write this post and your little brother came running up to me, wanting to sit in his mama’s lap.

He saw your photos on the screen and said “Baby! Maddew!’

And my heart broke into a million pieces of joy and sadness.

Sadness that he will never know you and joy that he knows you anyway.

Eight long years you have been away from us.

It doesn’t seem that long ago I was wearing REALLY unattractive maternity shirts (seriously…that shirt had to have been the very last option I had in my closet because WOW) and then laying for hours in a hospital bed waiting for you to get here.

I loved you right from the start. My little man with bright red hair. I wish everyone could have seen that hair…I loved it so. Loving you was probably the only truly perfect and good thing I have done in my life.

Your dad was pretty nuts about you, too. (Don’t ask about his hair. I have no idea to this day what THAT was all about. He swore that he liked the clean cut look when we were dating. But then, he also swore that he didn’t like watching sports on television, too.)

EVERYONE loved you to bits and pieces. All our friends and family got to meet you and love on you.

And love on you THEY DID.

EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE WE ALL LIVED FOR LOVING YOU.

You would have been eight years old this year. That is almost unthinkable to me. EIGHT. Every time I see a child your age, it both hurts and is comforting to me. I wonder how you would be at eight. I want to tell everyone that loves an eight-year-old to hold on to those precious children as tight as they can because I can’t do that for my little one.

I complain all the time about the tiny house I live in, but you know what? I love it because it is where you lived. You had such a short time here but I look at my tub and see the place you splashed and laughed. I see the room your brother Aaron sleeps in now and remember coming in in the wee hours of the morning to feed you and rock you and kiss all your chubby fat rolls and soft places. You were my best friend in those early morning hours when the light turned from black to midnight blue. You made it less lonely.

I still have all your little things in boxes.

I still look at the few (and very poor quality) photos that we have of you.

(Seriously…EVERYONE BUY A GOOD CAMERA AND USE IT RELIGIOUSLY TO PHOTOGRAPH YOUR LOVED ONES, PEOPLE. Otherwise you will be stuck with very few, and very grainy photos and have a lifetime of regret that you didn’t have a decent camera.)

I still remember the feel of your cheek as I snuggled it next to mine.

I still carry your memory in my heart.

More than anything, I just wish you were here with us.

We loved you so much, Matthew.

Some days I do feel lost.

Sad.

Broken.

How could I not? I lost YOU.

But, I also know that you would want me to keep going on the best that I can. I know you would want us all to be happy, even if you aren’t here with us.

We miss you so.

But we are ok.

Your mama is ok.

Slowly, it has gotten better.

I’m doing better.

So much better.

More than anything I want you to know what joy you brought to my life.

You made me so very, very happy, my sweet little one.

I didn’t have you nearly long enough.

I love you to bits, down to your sweet toes.

You will always, always be in my heart.

Love,

Your momma.

(Much love and thanks to everyone online and off who has been there for us these last years. You are truly angels and have lifted me up on your wings many a time. xo)