As many of you know, I live in a wee little house full of not-so-wee-nor-little boys. Even Butterlump, who definitely IS still wee (thank goodness) is huge for his age.
I am the lone aisle of estrogen in a sea of testosterone.
While I did hope for a girl with each pregnancy and felt a whole lot of sorrow and loss when I realized that it probably wasn’t in the cards for me since I seem to be married to the world’s only single chromosome male, I love being the mother of boys.
LOVE.
All mothers should have the sheer joy of having their heart break into a thousand pieces from the sheer adorable of being presented with a bouquet of dandelions in a grubby little boy hand and and be told, “Mama…I marry you?”
Seriously…you do not get better than that.
There are a lot of things that I knew I would be concerned about and had an action plan for with my boys. Like instilling in them the sheer importance of the sibling relationship. My two older boys are half brothers, but they absolutely do not think of each other that way. They are worst enemies but also best friends and they absolutely have each other’s backs.
However, there were many things about raising boys that I just wasn’t prepared for.
Like Cub Scouts. (It really just is not my thing.)
Or the fascination with all things Manga and Anime.
Or the fact that at some point my boys would probably start sneaking their sheets into the laundry. (NO. WE ARE NOT GOING THERE. BECAUSE MY BRAIN MIGHT EXPLODE. FOR REALS.)
Or the fact that BOYS ARE SMELLY.
And let me branch out into that one as it is my current frustration.
Because OH MY FREAKING FRACK DOES IT SUCKASUCKASUCKASUCK.
While we are trying like the Dickens to be out of our small house as soon as possible (It’s on the market, but y’all know what shape THAT is in right now.) I am still stuck sharing one bathroom with one teenage boy, one tween boy, a potty-training-toddler boy and one very tall and big husband. Though he is definitely a man and NOT a boy. Still, that is one girl sharing a small bathroom with FOUR BOYS.
(I know. You all want to be me.)
And as my boys get older, despite the regular “use good hygiene, dude” and use of deodorant, areas of my house smell more and more like a freaking locker room.
I think I have probably purchased my weight in Clorox and Fabreeze lately.
However…I had ALMOST come to terms with this when I was thrown a curve ball when teenage boy came home with a gift from his father.
ENTER THE LIBERALLY APPLIED TEENAGE BOY COLOGNE PHASE.
I guess I knew that at some point cologne would enter the picture with my boys.
I mean, I was a young girl once. I also had impaired teenage judgement that caused me to burn my face off nightly by slathering my skin with Noxzema followed by a Sea Breeze chaser and pour an entire bottle of SunIn on my head in junior high. (Hey, it was the 80′s. I also thought stirrup pants and layered legwarmers were flattering.)
I was also around young boys.
I know the whole ‘boy cologne’ thing. (You are talking to a girl that used to have sleepovers with her best friend and one of our favorite passtimes was spraying a pillow with our boyfriend’s cologne and slow dancing with it in the dark to emo 80′s prom tunes.)
(Yeah. I know.)
Dork as I was, I loooved it. (AND WE ARE TALKING OLD SPICE HERE, PEOPLE. I am not trying to shield myself from the sins of my youth.) I imagine as we age, our smell receptors are much like our taste buds in the fact that we outgrow the things we thought were groovy when we were kids. Like the fact that I no longer think that the gates of heaven are made of Count Chocula cereal.
So, I have tried to be patient, but seriously, y’all–I may die of asphyxiation. My main problem is that I have a small house and one small bathroom and since James has the earliest call of the morning and gets it first, I would prefer not to have to have it smell like an Axe Cologne Bomb assaulted it every morning while I’m getting ready for my day, ya know? It permeates everything. It’s like the cockroach of the cologne world…YOU CANNOT GET RID OF IT. IT WILL BE THERE AFTER NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST WITH TWINKIES AND CHER.
Nothing seems to convince him that LESS IS MORE.
I was beginning to think that I was just doomed until maturity advanced when I had a ray of hope.
Enter one very curious and destructive-to-all-things-tornado known as “Butterlump”.
He emptied his brother’s entire bottle.
*hack, hack, cough, cough*
After I opened every window in the house and brought in fans and fled the house in escape from the face-melting fumes, I started to look at the positives of the situation.
He didn’t have anymore cologne.
And my mind went from there.
And OOPS! I am so sorry! I totally forgot to pick up some more while I was at the store, son! I’ll…uh…put it on the list for the…um…future!!!!
Rinse.
Repeat.
And then buy him more expensive and less odorific cologne for Christmas.
And for a blissful 3-days I actually thought that my master plan would be successful.
Then James came back from celebrating his birthday with his father.
He was carrying a brand new black duffle bag.
“HEY, MOM! LOOK WHAT DAD GOT ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY! I CALL IT MY “AXE BAG”. A WHOLE BAG FULL OF COLOGNE AND COLOGNE FILLED PRODUCTS SO THAT I WON’T RUN OUT FOR YEARS!”
Oh, goody.
I guess I can always hope that the newness of it and his excuberence dies down.
And if not…I always have his driver’s licence to use as leverage.
If you need me, I’ll be the one over in the corner with the noseplug contemplating my next post titled “When THE Hell Did I Turn Into The Fuddy Duddy Mom That Threatens Driving Privileges To Get Her Way?!”
Things I didn’t consider when I spawned boys. http://ow.ly/6nKnB
Not sure I see the problem here, woman.
Signed,
Go get ‘em, dudes!!
You are a total guy. ;)
Thank you kindly. Nicest thing anyone’s said to me all day.
I totally meant it that way, too. :D
Old Spice takes me back a bazillion years ;)
Yes, then they advanced to the more “mature” Drakkar and Cool Water. TOTALLY the smell of my 90′s senior year. Heh.
Oh my, Loralee, I *do* feel your pain (or smell it…as the case may be)! However, I have one of each and I am here to say that having a girl isn’t much better in this department…what with the perfume, the hairspray, the shaving cream, the air freshener, and all the other loud smelling stuff that simply MUST be used all at the same time….well, yeah. And my doctor wonders why my asthma is so bad these days ;)
Good luck!
Oh, I so did not even consider that. Plus…teenage PMS.
Suddenly, being the mother to smelly teen boys is looking better and better. ;)
Oh yes…the PMS…oy VEY! the teenage PMS!!! Add in a little bipolar fun and we just have a laugh a minute every single month.
ah… this post brings back memories… *koff koff*…
Be well,
Rachael
Doesn’t it, though?
My son could use a little Axe. He smells like a wet dog (all three girls smell fine).
Good luck!
Hmmm….
Wet Dog….
Axe Cologne…
Wet Dog…
Axe Cologne…
I am thinking this might be a draw. ;)
Duuuuuude. The Axe stuff must DIE. I hate, hate, hate it. Enter roommate who buys Axe products despite the fact that my husband is allergic to everything in the world including himself (kid you not) and hubby about died. Then I got pregnant and every time I caught a whiff of the stuff I about got sick all over the place and most certainly lost my appetite every time.
But then. . . THEN. . . I came to realize that if you barely even open the cap to the stuff it inundates the entire house. Axe is like. . . like the plague. Or the Spanish Inquisition.
Because no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Best Axe Cologne commentary EVER.
It’s true. NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition.
“Like”.
I actually said to my husband the other day, "When do they enter the Too Much Cologne" phase. http://t.co/XlO8sKB via @looneytunes
A teen boy walked past us the other day, and I said to my husband, “At what age do they enter the Too Much Cologne phase?” Apparently you have answered the question.
My son hot that stage a few years ago. Mercifully, he seems to be growing out of it, but I remember one incident clearly. We were having furniture delivered and when the men started bringing stuff in, my entire house filled up with the horrible, cloying smell of men’s cologne. I was whispering to my husband that I couldn’t wait for them to be done because it was stinking up the place and making me sick. Finally, the delivery guys left and the smell DID NOT. It was my son the entire time.
TOO.SOON.RT @FireMom: I actually said to my husband "When do they enter the Too Much Cologne" phase. http://t.co/VOLpmms via @looneytunes
Things I didn’t consider when I spawned boys. http://t.co/ULCqPid
oh dear god.. my boys are 5 and 8 months.. My girls are 10 and we’ve already tackled the ‘spritz vs marinate’ thing when they started wanting to experiment with perfume and makeup(and caught on fast) but I completely forgot about the smelly boy stage.. the nasty sweat is awful but the cologne…oh god the cologne!! How could I have forgotten that?!
Heck when I met my husband in our early 20′s he was using the same fragrance cologne, aftershave, and deodorant. Thank god he wanted in my pants badly enough he took to heart my suggestion to cut it down to one product with strong smell!!
If I were in your place I’d be calling my ex with the words “I will END you” cause a WHOLE bag of axe?! If he remarried, his wife should smack him. Don’t suppose the ex will have that discussion about how chicks will get closer to you if their eyes don’t water from a 10ft radius?
Tattoo that on his forehead “It’s spritz not marinate”
On a perhaps(??) more helpful note, ask him to step outside to spray on the Axe so it doesn’t linger in the bathroom?
I would type a response, but I am laughing too damn hard right now. HA!!!!!!!
I still love Old Spice, because it has so many memories! I’m a sucker for scent memories.
Even though I KNOW part of my nose completely rebels at it now, yeah…I’m totally there with you. Nostalgia rules. :)
Oh dear lord the smell of Axe is just horrendous, teenage boy or not. I don’t know how you stand it. My nephew (who is one year younger than me, my family tree is complicated yo) went through that phase not too long ago and whenever I’d hug him I’d smell like him all. freaking. day. So not my perfume of choice.
AND HE LOVES IT SO.
Seriously, ANY cologne is bad in large quantities but AXE? GAH!
My brother uses the Axe body wash and shampoo, but not the cologne. It doesn’t seem to be to overpowering that way.
Axe cologne is awful though.
I’ll pray for your nose.
And we will need them. :)
We have 5 boys, and we are still trying to introduce my 13 year old son to the world of soap and toothpaste. Yikes! My 8 year old uses his dad’s cologne and deodorant, so I know he will be the “one” with the smelly cologne. I might be dating myself here, but the big scent that all the male teen types liked when I was in high school was Polo. Every where a group of young males went, this green cloud of stench followed. Now, it’s got nothin’ on AXE, but when you pass 6 or 7 guys ALL wearing the same scent – super yuck! I’ll never forget the day my little brother bounded down the stairs all stinkified with it. I thought I was doomed to forever have Polo stuck in my nostrils!
We also have 4 girls – and man alive, all their super sweet, fruity stinky stuff is almost as bad – and yes, all 11 of us share one smallish bathroom – makes for interesting mornings!
Well… I actually had a migrain and puked because of Axe one day. Now my son knows. I just asked him to put it on outside and right before he goes to school. I even showed him how to spray it in the air and walk through it instead.
“Or the fascination with all things Manga and Anime.” That would be my 17yo girl. :)
And the cologne…my 16yo boy has only just got to the regular shower stage (I had one the other day. When? Sunday. Today is Thursday!) But he also suffers from allergies, so isn’t into smelly stuff, thankfully. Neither is my girl. I so don’t have typical teenagers….
It’s laborious to search out knowledgeable people on this subject, however you sound like you realize what you’re speaking about! Thanks
You need to take part in a contest for among the finest blogs on the web. I\’ll recommend this website!
I think perhaps his dad is punishing you? either that or he has evil sense of humor as it is you & not he who is getting to enjoy his gift each day :)
I have three boys. the best thing about having boys is that I only have to worry about their penis. If I had girls I would have to worry about everyone’s penis.
I’m having horrible flash-forwards now after reading this post. My oldest is nine, so we haven’t hit that point yet, and frankly, they don’t cover that stuff in the parenting books that I’ve read (all two of them). But you’re right. All the boys in high school who looked like they were parting the Red Sea when they walked through the halls of school had homes to stink up and mothers to appall as well. And the kid who always reeked of Polo and then broke a bottle in his locker and funked up the hallway for a week had a home too, right? Never thought of it that way when I was 15, however.
You are right, Axe is truly terrible. Have you smelled the boy body stink in his bedroom after a sleepover with 1 or 2 other boys also his age (who slept in said room on the floor)? I have! The stink-o-meter broke!
Dude…we have an almost-18 year old, and every time he has a date or has to go to work, our house ends up smelling like a French whorehouse! We’ve talked about the one-product rule but this is a smart (aleck) boy who read somewhere on the Internet that layering is key. And of course, you know the Internet trumps parental wisdom, don’t you?!
And have your boys learned what an anime con is yet? Oh yeah. That’s a good learning experience.
Yep. I’m a lone girl, too. My kid, however, began wearing cologne in 3rd grade!!! Yep. He asked for some for Christmas, and I totally freaked out inside. And buying him deodorant at age 10? Ya, another freak out! I wouldn’t trade having a boy for the world, though. Thanks for this great post!!!
SO gnarly. Don’t teenage boys read the internets? Do they not know that Axe is associated with D’bags for most women? I can’t see how the teen girls could actually like that stuff…
My man and I are both not scent-wearers; we get our scents from deodorant, shampoo, and conditioner. That’s enough!