When I was studying opera in college, there was one particular person that stayed with me in my memory.

Her name was Betty.

She was much older than most of the students…probably in her late 40′s.

The reason she stays in my memory is not because she was vocally gifted, she wasn’t, really…I remember her because one day we were talking and I asked why she always had some kind of M.A.D.D paraphernalia on her, be it a bag or a pin or such.

Turns out that she had not one, but TWO children killed by drunk drivers.

In SEPARATE incidences, years apart.

And BOTH of the people driving drunk were underage drinkers.

I’ve thought an awful lot about her over the years…especially after losing my own little one.

You have a lot of fear as a parent anyway, but I think I have a LOT more fear and worry and over-protectiveness that happens since Matthew died than I would have probably had otherwise.

I’ve come to the internet to talk about a lot of things that worry me, especially as a parent. I’ve asked you if you would buy condoms for your kids, I have asked you if I should let my 12-year-old start riding the bus to go places by himself, we’ve discussed how to talk to your kids about things like death and religion, what to do about ‘introducing’ my toddler to the big brother who passed away that he will never know,  and how to get a child to be less emotionally attached to objects (Dude. I held a funeral for a balloon with a face on it that popped. It was a big problem.) And every time your feedback has been helpful to me.  There is something about broaching a subject and having a discussion with people online that is really beneficial for me in lots of ways. For whatever reason, it often helps me come to, or solidify a decision. Maybe that is why I have been blogging so long, who knows?

So, today we have another topic that has been weighing on my mind for the last, oh, FIFTEEN YEARS or so.

(To continue reading click here)

The new Facebook “Timeline” profile isn’t publicly available for “a few weeks” but thanks to a rad PR student from Utah State University (Hi, Travis!) I was able to get onboard early.

AND I AM GLAD I DID.

It’s so….PRETTY.

Look!

It’s this awesome blog-meets-digital-scrapbook-ish layout that is just WAY more appealing than the old school version.

So…wanna know how I did it?

I READ THIS SHORT TUTORIAL ON INSTALLING THE NEW FACEBOOK TIMELINE AND FOLLOWED THE QUICK AND EASY VIDEO INSTRUCTIONS.

Now remember that this is ME you are talking to.

The I-LOVE-IT-SO-MUCH-AND-YET-REMAIN-SO-FANTASTICALLY-SUCKTASTIC-AT-ALL-THINGS-TECHNICAL-GIRL.

The girl who deleted her entire blog when she was trying to change it from the Blogger Minima Black template.

The girl who darn near deleted her OTHER blog when she upgraded to a new WordPress version.

The girl who tried to write italics in code and ends up shutting down the power grid of San Francisco and randomly flushing George Dubya’s toilet at “The Ranch.”

The girl who somehow makes a living on the Interwebs despite all of the above.

(I KNOW, RIGHT?!)

But this was a snap.

It took me about 3 minutes. (I already have a verified account, so if you don’t it might take a bit more time for you, but it’s still easy peasy if you follow along with the video.)

Go and try it.

Let me know what you think!

(Keep in mind that until it’s live to everyone, only other people (developers) will be able to see your shiny, new, awesome prettiness profile.)

And, hey! I am always up for having more friends, so if you wanna hang out with me on Facebook, click here to friend. :)

xo.

It’s hard to believe that it has been so long since I saw you.

Eight years today, in fact.

I sat to write this post and your little brother came running up to me, wanting to sit in his mama’s lap.

He saw your photos on the screen and said “Baby! Maddew!’

And my heart broke into a million pieces of joy and sadness.

Sadness that he will never know you and joy that he knows you anyway.

Eight long years you have been away from us.

It doesn’t seem that long ago I was wearing REALLY unattractive maternity shirts (seriously…that shirt had to have been the very last option I had in my closet because WOW) and then laying for hours in a hospital bed waiting for you to get here.

I loved you right from the start. My little man with bright red hair. I wish everyone could have seen that hair…I loved it so. Loving you was probably the only truly perfect and good thing I have done in my life.

Your dad was pretty nuts about you, too. (Don’t ask about his hair. I have no idea to this day what THAT was all about. He swore that he liked the clean cut look when we were dating. But then, he also swore that he didn’t like watching sports on television, too.)

EVERYONE loved you to bits and pieces. All our friends and family got to meet you and love on you.

And love on you THEY DID.

EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE WE ALL LIVED FOR LOVING YOU.

You would have been eight years old this year. That is almost unthinkable to me. EIGHT. Every time I see a child your age, it both hurts and is comforting to me. I wonder how you would be at eight. I want to tell everyone that loves an eight-year-old to hold on to those precious children as tight as they can because I can’t do that for my little one.

I complain all the time about the tiny house I live in, but you know what? I love it because it is where you lived. You had such a short time here but I look at my tub and see the place you splashed and laughed. I see the room your brother Aaron sleeps in now and remember coming in in the wee hours of the morning to feed you and rock you and kiss all your chubby fat rolls and soft places. You were my best friend in those early morning hours when the light turned from black to midnight blue. You made it less lonely.

I still have all your little things in boxes.

I still look at the few (and very poor quality) photos that we have of you.

(Seriously…EVERYONE BUY A GOOD CAMERA AND USE IT RELIGIOUSLY TO PHOTOGRAPH YOUR LOVED ONES, PEOPLE. Otherwise you will be stuck with very few, and very grainy photos and have a lifetime of regret that you didn’t have a decent camera.)

I still remember the feel of your cheek as I snuggled it next to mine.

I still carry your memory in my heart.

More than anything, I just wish you were here with us.

We loved you so much, Matthew.

Some days I do feel lost.

Sad.

Broken.

How could I not? I lost YOU.

But, I also know that you would want me to keep going on the best that I can. I know you would want us all to be happy, even if you aren’t here with us.

We miss you so.

But we are ok.

Your mama is ok.

Slowly, it has gotten better.

I’m doing better.

So much better.

More than anything I want you to know what joy you brought to my life.

You made me so very, very happy, my sweet little one.

I didn’t have you nearly long enough.

I love you to bits, down to your sweet toes.

You will always, always be in my heart.

Love,

Your momma.

(Much love and thanks to everyone online and off who has been there for us these last years. You are truly angels and have lifted me up on your wings many a time. xo)