I’m sitting here at my computer after a day that feels like a missing chapter from Dante’s Inferno.
This year has been an absolute walking hell for my family in terms of medical problems.
I don’t talk about it often, but I am an identical twin. (I’ll let you see if you can figure out which is which.)
My sister’s name is Loraina.
Her name is Loraina, we are twins, and we really haven’t spoken much in about 7 years.
And five minutes ago she was rushed into emergency surgery.
And I am in the process of packing up my work and life to go and camp out in her hospital room (and work from there) to help take care of her and to advocate for her care.
There isn’t anyone else to do it.
Trust me, if there were someone, ANYONE, else to do this, it would happen.
But there isn’t.
Just me.
And I am frustrated, angry, a bit bitter and scared out of my mind.
I also know I will take EXCELLENT care of her and keep these feelings to myself.
I’m used to this with her.
She has a world of health problems. They started manifesting in earnest in high school and have gotten steadily worse (sometimes by leaps and bound) as we have gotten older. I have health issues as well (we share some of the same ones) but mine look like absolutely nothing in comparison to hers.
In fact, it was just last year that we were pretty much where we are again today.
And those problems have reared their heads again. She had surgery a few days ago and has been in the hospital. (She’s being rushed into emergency surgery to deal with complications from the first surgery.)
And like I did last year, I have been sitting here the last few days wondering what to do.
Because I felt so flipping conflicted.
I didn’t know if I was going to see her.
Like I said, we have barely spoken since my son died and there is a lifetime of issues with us and I just didn’t know what I should do. I poured out my frustration to a wise friend and their response to me was, “Be the bigger sister, Loralee.”
I wanted to throat punch them in that moment.
I wanted someone on my freaking side.
I raged in my head at them, totally being a juvenile brat and pissed when they had known me and her long enough to KNOW BETTER. Or so I thought.
Why SHOULD I have to always be the bigger person in this?
WHY?
I have been the bigger sister our whole damn lives and it really hasn’t gotten me far.
In a nutshell, we have an extremely complicated relationship.
If you know, you know.
If you don’t, you don’t.
And you won’t.
Basically, you’re not going to find out what those issues are here.
Don’t get me wrong, there is a LOT to say about what those issues are. And the pettier side of me is mightily tempted to just lay it all out there on the table because there is a lot that could explain and justify why I feel so conflicted and somewhat angry at all of this, but really…it’s something that is none of your business and if that means that you think I’m a blogging cock-tease, drama hag or think less of me for my baser feelings of anger and frustration in a life threatening situation, so be it.
I don’t really give a damn what anyone thinks of me right now.
So, there I sat, hemming and hawing over the words of my long-time friend and their advice. I try very hard to really listen and think when someone I trust gives me advice and I got very little sleep last night churning everything over in my head.
In the end, my friend said something that not only negated my pissed off umbrage at them, but finally made me come to the decision to go see her.
“If you don’t do this entirely for her, what about doing it for you and your mental heath?”
That made me step off the bratty ‘DON’T YOU FLIPPING CARE ABOUT ME IN THIS SITUATION?!” soap box of pissiness. Of COURSE they cared. They cared when they offered their first bit of advice, I was just being too selfish and whiny to listen.
Like it or not, she is my sister.
My twin sister.
I know if something happens to Loraina, I will be in a special state of hell. I am her twin and no one will feel that loss the way I would, even with all our problems. I know that if I didn’t do everything in my power to be there for her I would never forgive myself.
I had very little confidence a visit and some flowers would make it all better, but I had to try.
I know WAY too much about regret and what it does to you to not at least see her.
So, I got in my car, picked up my elder sister for emotional support and went to see her today.
And it was absolutely….horrible.
It had nothing to do with our relationship, really. Her situation and condition was HORRIBLE. Horrifying. Critical. So awful, I’ve never seen anyone in such a state.
And it became VERY clear that someone needed to physically be with her at the hospital during the day. Her husband getting there at 7pm is not going to cut it. Plus, issues or not, I know how to deal with her in a way that really few can.
And there is NO ONE ELSE THAT CAN DO IT.
So, here I am, waiting for my laundry to finish so I can pack and deal with all the fallout and make sure that I have everything I need to work out of her hospital room. I am also trying to process the fact that she was just rushed into a nightmare emergency procedure and no one knows how it is all going to turn out.
And most importantly, I am trying to push all the emotions of the situation far, far away so that I can focus and be the best damn advocate and caretaker I can for her.
But I feel overwhelmed.
I haven’t really recovered from taking care of my mother yet.
I feel like I’ve aged a decade in a day.
I’m exhausted.
And the real work has yet to begin.
But I know I can, and will, do this.
Because she is my sister.
thank you for pouring your heart out. im thinking of you as you deal with these complicated feelings and a sense of duty and all sorts of things. You’ll be heavy on my heart.
Sending you love…so much. 2011 can suck it, healthwise. xoxo
I will be thinking of you both and praying for her health — and your strength — in all of this.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am also a twin and I have a complicated and currently very strained (we’re not speaking, her choice) relationship, but I know I’d have to make the same decision you made if we were in that situation.
I hope for healing for her and peace for you.
Stay strong and do what you have to do. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Hugs, lots of hugs to you and your family.
Loralee-I am sorry you are facing such tough times right now! You are doing the best that you can and that has to be enough…go easy on yourself and I hope that things start to ease up sooner, rather than later!
Oh man!! I will be praying for you and your sister and the rest of your family.
You are a good sister (even if you don’t want to have to be) and you are a good person!
Blessings-
paige
I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I don’t have a twin. My only sister is 18 years older than me and we’re hardly close. But I try to put myself in your shoes, and my only response would be like yours. You did what’s (in my eyes) right – rush to her side and be there. I don’t pretend to know what’s going on, but I will pray for you and your sister, not only for her health issues but to put aside differences (or WHATEVER) and just be family.
I went through a major family issue this year, and it brought the estranged together. I only can hope similar outcomes come from your circumstances.
Love to you. And thanks for your posts – they speak to me as a newlywed and (praise God I hope) a future mother).
I can’t begin to tell you how proud I am of you for doing this.
I’m still traumatized by this afternoon, too. What a day…
Thanks, sis.
Thank god you were there with me today. I’m not sure I’d have gotten through it.
I see much “mental health sushi” in our near future.
Oy.
xo
hi Loralee- (we met briefly in NY at “Where women cook” when i stopped you and mentioned that you looked like the actress, Lauren Graham) – that’s a lot of emotions to handle by yourself, thankfully you have shared with us your pain, frustration and more in the days that will follow ahead. It seems so common right now, for women our age to be somewhat estranged from our siblings; you are not alone. for what ever reason, it has happened. My heart beat fast when i read your comment about your son and losing him. I ‘m not aware of his and your story, but i have been through the same sort of “life altering” experience with a child and could relate on all levels. it’s hard to explain but all i could do is nod at all you had to say. thinking of you and wishing you well. i hate hospitals; all those sounds, machinery, the isolation, the dependency on the nurses, the lack of emotions from the staff, lack of privacy and the never ending step backs that seem to prolific when one stays in such an environment, the anger, the frustration and more! i hope both of yours stay there isn’t a long one.
kecia
You are a better sister then I.
I hope everything works out and she appreciates what you are doing for her.
Love you hon!
Sending you peace and comfort during this difficult time.
I have been in a vaguely similar situation (although not with a twin or a sibling, and I cannot imagine.) And if it helps at all, and I hope this doesn’t sound assy (you know my voice, I hope it comes through) it’s not even so much being bigger as it is just being you at whatever size. You know? That’s the standard we end up holding ourselves to — our own. And that is what we need to be true to or risk not being settled with ourselves forever after, as well as the people in our lives.
In my situation I made a choice that I’m afraid I will never be at peace with as long as I live, and I wish selfishly that I’d walked through a last half hour (as it turned out) of discomfort so I could be. Every situation like this is different yet similar in its potential to affect us long-term. I am wishing you strength. Your heart is there, I can tell, and that matters more than anything. xo.
Loralee,
I’ve mentioned in the past that my BFF lives in Utah, not too horribly far from you…Anything you need, I can have her mobilize the Mormon wives. She’d do it b/c she’s read your blog, and b/c *I* asked.
I hope that Loraina comes through everything OK. My husband’s mother is an identical twin-her sister lives in the same town. His father is a fraternal twin, and his brother was killed in Vietnam (where he was also wounded.) Just watching the way they all interact with each other, and the way my father-in-law is on certain occasions when I know he wishes his brother was there, I know that there is something special with twins that I could never possibly understand…and I think that probably extends to when you have “complicated” relationships as well. They become extra-complicated because this is the person who should be able to FEEL what you’re feeling & understand what you’re thinking better than anyone, and when they don’t, and/or there’s more to the situation, well… ((HUGS))
You are a good woman, my friend. Sending good thoughts for both of you and healing thoughts and prayers. xo
What a beautiful and painfully honest post. sending prayers your way xo
The peace of God be with you. Thinking of you and praying for you both.
I think its great that you are willing to help her, despite any problems between you. I love that you are willing to advocate for her, it helped your mom and I am sure you will help here too.
can I call you if I ever need advocation (is that a word) in the hospital?:)
This is my first time reading your writing, and I must say I feel so proud of you, and I don’t know the first thing about you. I am an only child so I cannot even imagine the conflicting thoughts. What you’re doing is so strong, so selfless, so dutiful and so hard. May you find the strength you need to get through this and come out even stronger on the other side.
Siblings can be very complicated on their own; as others have pointed out a twin-sibling has other nuances. I think you’re searching for the balance that fits you; knowing there are issues to prevent a constant contact balanced against stepping up when you know her needs cannot be satisfied elsewhere. I have no two cents, but admire you can recognize your ability to help in ways no other person can measure up. My thoughts are with you.
You are taking God’s grace and using it to help her as well as yourself. I don’t know you but I am enmeshed in your kindness……something you will not forget or regret. As someone once told me, “Irene, this is not a dress rehearsal. We don’t get a do over.” You are doing the right thing and being the bigger person. I don’t know why but some of us are always “being the bigger person.” I promise to put you in my “God Box” of prayers. Take care and remember, one day at a time……sometimes one minute at a time.
I couldn’t do what you’re doing. You are amazing. Safe travels.
I am so sorry. Sisters are hard! I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
Spring is around the corner. It can only get better and sunnier and more joyful…i hope ;}
Love, prayers, hugs, strength, and grace to you, Loralee. I’ll be praying for wisdom and patience for you and your sister both. I hope you can feel all the internet hugs.
She is blessed to have you, regardless of the nature of your relationship. You have my prayers. I wish I had more to offer.
Be your best person for her.
Being a sister is a complicated thing. Being an identical twin sister must be a thousand times more complicated. I don’t know you. I don’t know her. But I’m a sister and I think you will be glad you made the decision to be her advocate. I’ll be thinking of you, and her, in the days to come.
Did you know you even had this much strength in you? It’s pretty damn amazing. Remember, all those gray hairs 2011 has given you so far can easily be remedied with some dye and a cute Caribbean cabana boy. Wait, did I just type that out loud? Love you!
I hope you will both be well, hon.
I haven’t spoken to my parents for 3 years, and I am sure this is exactly how I would feel…thank you for keepin’ it real. Sending love, hugs, and a strong drink your way…if needed. ;)
I felt the need to reply…. my lack of communication with my family (both parents and older brother) has been running through my head for a few days.
I last spoke to my mom around 1995. My brother 1996.
My dad will call me as a drunk once every… 6 years or so.
I got a note saying that he wasn’t doing well (from someone who knows someone) and I have been wondering…would I even be told if those people died? Would they even care if I know? would they want to make amends?
In the end… My family is one huge mess. More than anyone could ever imagine even on the worst tlc or lifetime tv show (or made for tv movie!)
I (unlike Mrs Loralee) can say… not with 100% certainty that I’d not care if they passed. for me it’d be a relief to not worry “when” they MIGHT show up in my life. (NOT THE PRODUCE SECTION!!!! ORANGES CAN HURT! GRAPES CAN PUT OUT AN EYE!!!)
As for you Von ….If your icon is you… probably should make a “what if” plan. And then see if you can actually be ok with it.
What IF they are almost dead (aka stroke). What if they just needed serious surgery (heart attack?)
at what level do you take back NOT speaking to them and go to them… ever?
For some of us, there are people we have in our lives, not by our choice, that are so damaging to us that we can’t have them in our lives ever. That seeing them for even ten minutes would take a lot of therapy money to repair. (or diet coke. chocolate. alcohol. mmmm alcohol…)
*hugs* to you Von….I just wanted to say that only you know if you made the right decision, and “when” (if ever) you can back down from it.
I have the same type of relationship with my oldest sister, so I totally understand. {{{hugs}}}
I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I have a sister who’s a year and a half younger and the closest I will ever get to a twin though we are nothing alike in all sorts of ways – physically, politically, hobbies, beliefs, etc. We’ve definitely had our differences and will probably never get her to acknowledge the multitude of ways I’ve felt hurt by her words and actions over the years. But for the first time tonight we had a truly meaningful and healing conversation (at least for me and I think in some part for her) as we talked about some parts of our shared history as youngsters that our younger brother cannot relate to or understand for a variety of reasons including that we don’t share a biological father and both of his natural parents have always been there in his life and the accompanying feelings of abandonment that go with that. Throw in a mother who is a master of keeping secrets that just make a whole family sick and get sisters who finally make a connection that neither of them really ever thought would happen.
You are a far better sister and person than I as I can’t imagine your pain and have no right to know what transpired to create your rift but you know what really matters and how important it is to be there for her especially in a very frightening situation.
I totally understand the complicated relationships with sisters. I have 4 sisters and one of them I have an incredibly drama-filled, uber complicated, and painful past with. Even if I tried to explain, people would not understand why I’ve decided to only interact with her when it is absolutely necessary. And that is a hurt that cannot be understood by those that haven’t experienced it. I truly hope your sister gets better – and fast.
*hugs so much*
Please call or text if you need anything. Even if it’s just for someone to say the “f” word to. I am here for you friend!
Oh, damn. I’m so sorry this is happening.
Love, strength and peace to you and to your sister. Family stuff is so …hard.
Yes, I agree, the shit-storm of health issues can stop NOW.
So sorry you’re having to do this again. I say, feel blessed that your immediate family is healthy, and that you are so STRONG that you can help them.
Love you. While I know it will be hard, I know you can do it!
My thoughts are with you and your family at this difficult time.
As someone who also has a very complicated relationship with their sister, I can sympathize in a way. I’ve been in similar situations with mine before.
Sending lots of love and prayers your way.
Oh, Loralee. I’m so sorry. For all of it. And I think you are incredibly strong, whether it feels that way right now or not. Thinking of you. xoxo
Praying strength and rest for you (hospitals aren’t the most peaceful places) as you do this. And then, when she is up and about again, I think a holiday is in store for you and your closest family. Somewhere sunny away from stress and stuff.
Praying for you and for your sister.
Been through lots of ups & downs with my family, too. Right now we’re on an “up” cycle and I’m hoping it stays there for awhile because those damn “downs” are too exhausting. I am proud of you and that you are taking yet another thing on. You would far more regret not going…I know you know that, but it’s true. If not for her, than do it for you so you KNOW you are doing everything you can in this situation. After you’ve gotten through all of this suckiness, you will probably be amazed when you look back at all you got through and hopefully it’ll make whatever you face in the future a piece of cake. *Hugs & Love*
Strength and health for both of you through this time.
Oh gosh. You can do it, I know you can and you know you can. The thing about being a tough chick is that it can and does get tough. Buck up now, collapse later.
Also, I see a carefree weekend getaway in your semi-near future (hint hint, Jonathan!).
Hugs, honey.
oh my gosh! yes it comes down to if she were not here tomorrow. sending some strong prayers your way & lotsa hard hugs! keep your chin up & be strong. lean on others when you can. I know what it feels like to be in the hospital alone & w/one sibling sitting bedside wondering if our loved one was to make it out of surgery. my heart goes out to you & your family. wishing, praying & hoping for the best for her. xo
Thinking of you and sending you positive energy as you give yours to your sister.