In my 6-years of blogging I have never done this, but I have to shut down and leave this space and social media.

For now at least.

Those who have been reading me for the last 6-years and know the things I’ve still managed to blog through will realize just how big the weight on my shoulders and heart is right now.

Too big.

I am not doing well.

There has been a lot going on.

Thing after thing after you-know-maybe-five-percent-of-it-thing. To the point that I’m beyond able to keep my head above water. Full of hurt I don’t think I’ll ever forgive or forget.

For the first time since I started blogging this place is not the place for me to work things out.

And that feels horrible.

This place has saved me. It has ALWAYS been the one place and thing I had to turn to when I had no one else and nowhere else to turn and right now I can’t.

And for someone like me that is just…awful.

And since I can’t use this space to work out, I can’t bear to see this place turn into a place that hosts youtube videos and vague posts that are written out of a desire to try to feel better but also to spare everyone details.  Those posts are maddening to everyone and just suck, if I’m frank. This place deserves better, you know? If I can’t write how I need to write, I’d rather not write at all.

Putting down the online pen is hard. (There is always that fear that it won’t be picked up again, you know?)

Right now, I need a shift of focus and to pour any positive energy I have into different things.

I don’t know how long it will take but I know in my heart that it’s gonna take more than a week or two.

I have considered this carefully. (I even slept on it, people.)

I know that the world will continue to tick by.

I have no expectation that anyone will ‘wait’ for me.

I’m not different.

Or special.

At all.

I will lose the money my ad revenue gives me. I realize that if I can’t get it together and go too long I could lose everything I’ve worked so hard for the last 6 years. People could go away and not come back. I could lose all my traffic.

Right now, I just don’t care about that. If all the ‘perks’ that go with being a blogger goes away because I take some time to refocus, so be it. Sometimes I think too many of us need to step away to regroup sometimes, but the fear of ‘losing it all’ stops us.

But right now, that is what I need to do.

The one thing that sucks in this is not having you all. I do care about YOU. I’ve always cared about my friends online and my readers.

You’re so much to me.

And man, I’ll miss that.

For now, I am just going to step away from my personal accounts and write and focus on my day job and the many wonderful things that are going on with it. And I love that job. It is a delightful pond to swim in and it will do me good. I will focus on family. On my sweet wee ones. On the relationships I have left. On my house. My garden. My music. My bed.

I’ll do whatever it is that ends up righting and bringing happiness to my world.

And when that happens, I’ll be back.

So?

Go be happy.

P.S. I love ya.

P.P.S. A lot.

P.P.P.S. And I am totally leaving you with a sappy youtube video.

P.P.P.P.S. You know, because I can.

P.P.P.P.P.S. xo

Here is the thing.

I love ALL music.

I can find at least one (and sometimes ONLY one) example of every genre of music out there that I not just like, but LOVE.

And yes, this can include some selections that cause people I love that are so much cooler than I am to physically wince in pain. (Air Supply rules, I don’t care what you say.)

However, there is one kind of music I kind of thought would be the exception to the rule:

Religious pop music.

(As an aside, if you weren’t aware, the Mormons are EXCELLENT at this genre of music and I have always loathed it. But this might have something to do with my twin sister listening to Janice Kapp Perry’s “I Walk by Faith” tape every single freaking night of our 12th year in our bedroom until she broke the damn thing.)

But.

There have been a few posts, Tweets, and status updates that have alluded to the fact that I have exactly ONE song on my play list that I fondly call “Jesus Rock”. (Or “Christian Rock” as “The Twitter” tells me is its more accurate name.)

Yup.

This heathen, inactive Mormon girl loves a Jesus Rock tune.

Loves it so much she has been repeatedly caught twirling around her kitchen to it by her totally mocking spouse.

It will likely be the ONLY one I like, but like it I do.

I’ve probably been asked a hundred time which song it is.

And today I’m going to just get over feeling embarrassed about it and tell you why and what it is.

“I can only imagine” by Mercy Me.

As for the why?

Well…this is the video I saw about 4 years ago when I first heard it.

I probably cried for an hour that such a man exists.

Watch it and tell me that you don’t feel anything and I will call you a liar.

So?

Now you know.

P.S. This is not an anti-religion post.

P.P.S. Nor is it an anti-Jesus post.

P.P.P.S. This is an anti-cheesy-music post.

P.P.P.P.P.S. And also a friendly reminder that sometimes it feels good to just eat a big ole slice of cheese with a liberal glob of saccharine goo on top.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I KNOW you have at least ONE tune on YOUR playlist that is top-secret-out-of-shame. (Even the coolest of you.)

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. And you’re more than welcome to spill what that is, ya know.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. :)

I tend to have life events and emotions that often wildly conflict with one another. And they often occur at the same time.

Example?

I had one of the worst nights ever.

I am so angry and furious sitting here that I can’t see straight and I had to tell someone!

But.

I ALSO had one of the most amazing, unbelievable, “OMG, I cannot believe I was able to do what I just did” insanely successful, awesome nights ever.

I am so overjoyed and excited sitting here that I had to tell someone!

It’s how I roll, I suppose.

But sitting here experiencing these to hugely opposite feelings from such a polarized evening left me with a thought…

Isn’t it a grand thing that we have the horrible to appreciate the fabulous?

*Since I keep getting asked- I’m too pissed to write about the horrible at the moment. I’m sure I will, it’s best to not write in such a state, ya know? And as for the great, I’ve been away at a business conference that has been successful and unbelievable beyond even my imagination…I just can’t talk details. Yet. Didn’t mean to be a tease it was just such a moment of wonder that I could feel such radically different emotions and how much the bad made me appreciate the utterly great things that happened yesterday night. Xo