I hate Valentine’s Day.

There, I said it.

And coming from a ‘gift person’, this says a lot.

On paper, Valentine’s Day and I should seem like soul mates. A perfect match. Like I said, if you actually buy into that whole “5 love languages” thing, I am a gifts person and acts of service person. So, really, a gift born by marketers and centered on gift exchange should be right up my alley, right?

Only it isn’t.

I used to buy into the Valentine’s Day craze.

Back in the days when I was young (And stupid.) (With way too many emotions.) (And hormones.), I longed to have a fabulous Valentine’s Day lavished on my attention-hungry heart by a boy. Given that I was 60-lbs overweight and my on and off boyfriend never got me so much as a birthday card in all the years we were dating, I was pretty much screwed as far as that scenario coming to pass. Oh, I was envious of the girls that meandered down the halls of Good Ole’ Bountiful High in their cheerleader outfits, their arms full of teddy bears and heart-shaped chocolate boxes and Mylar heart balloons trailing behind them that were PROOF! THAT! THEY! HAD! BOYFRIENDS! THAT! LOVED! THEM! AND! THE! MYLAR! BALLOONS! TO! PROVE! IT!

I was always so crushed and disappointed when those things never happened to me. I actually thought that receiving these things meant you were loved and somehow more worthy of happiness or, I don’t know, breathing, than the rest of humanity.

If you didn’t get a Valentines Day gift you were in that category of un-loveable schmucks that stayed at home on Saturday Nights eating Cheese Wiz and Rocky Road ice cream and writing Ugly Betty fan fiction.

I’ve pretty much ascertained over the years that that is a bunch of bullshit.

I’ve been fiercely and passionately loved and I am pretty sure that I don’t need a cheesy holiday to reinforce that knowledge.

I’m not sure when I began actively despising the hoopla that is Valentine’s Day, but I simply cannot STAND IT.

That feeling was was reinforced today at the grocery store when I was surrounded by rows of pink and red JUNK and the announcer droning on and on about how “all the ladies could come on down to the butcher and get a big t-bone for your man and then when he turns to you later in the year and says, ‘Honey, can you make me a steak tonight?’ you can say, ‘Why, no, Earl! Don’t you remember that I bought you that big, juicy T-bone at XXXX supermarket for Valentine’s Day! You just can’t beat that! ha, ha, ha!’”

(I may take flack for it but many Utahans can have really cheesy and/or lame senses of humor.) (For the most part we, on average, are also horrible dancers that should never attempt to sing gospel music.) (This does not prevent every high school and college choir in the state from attempting both, however.)

As I listened to the cheesy supermarket announcer and watched a kid get drowned by several red chocolate boxes as the display fell over on him, I longed to just tell this holiday TO SHOVE IT.

It all feels so forced.

So fake.

It just doesn’t seem genuine at ALL.

People bitch and moan about how commercialized Christmas is, but that holiday still has a lot of heart and spirituality to it.

This is just…

Crap.

That certainly doesn’t mean that the people or relationships involved in exchanging gifts of love today are horrible or are fake or not genuine. I am not saying that I turn up my nose at Valentine’s Day gifts or don’t go to dinner with my husband, I’m just saying that it’s all so, so, SO commercial that it turns my stomach.

People shouldn’t have to look for a day to see that they’re loved.

I certainly don’t need a day circled on my calendar to tell or show people I love them.

That’s EVERY day in my world.

And may it always stay that way.

My co-worker, Paige, has been completely wonderful to me this week. She’s wonderful all the time, but this week I REALLY needed an ear, and she came through with flying colors. She wrote a post on her blog called “Defending Pollyanna” about how there is nothing wrong with looking for the positive in things.

I totally agree.

While I bluster and whine and moan and can be a big, ole’ COMPLAINER a lot of the time, I am ALSO a believer that you can find good in almost all things and all situations.

And today that is what I want to talk about and hear.

Because there has been one thing that has brought about a million smiles and laughs into the Looney Tunes household this week.

Butterlump has discovered the joy of his life.

Which would be my mother’s hospital bed.

He LOVES it.

He will snuggle up in bed with her and go up and down for as long as we will let him (and without my mom getting motion sick).

And don’t report me to child services for promoting under age labor, but little Butterlump also has a job.

He is a huge fan of velcro. He’ll spend hours fiddling with my dad’s velcro watch band and so we thought we would put this fascination to good use with me mom.

Butterlump LOVES helping my mom put her velcro back brace on before she gets up to walk. Then, when she’s finished, he takes the velcro strap off.

They do this EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. If he’s eating or sleeping or busy, she’ll wait until he’s around. If he comes over and brings it to her, she’ll get up and put it on, just to make him happy.

My mom loves watching him and he adores it.

It’s the cutest thing you’ve ever seen.

So, there you go.

In a hard week, this ray of sunshine has made all of us so much happier.

So, what is going on in your corner of the world?

What is something that has made you happy this week?

Good news?

Funny story?

Fabulous new purchase of shoes?

What?

Tell me!

I’d love to hear it. :)

It’s only 10 am and I feel like I’ve worked a full day already.

Let me e’splain. No…there is too much. Let me sum up.

My mom got out of the hospital this week.

She’s had a rough go of it.

After discussing it with everyone and all the options, it was decided that she was simply not ready to go back home with my dad. God bless him, but he’s in his late 70′s and his back is awful. There is no way he can do the physical hefting that needs doing.

And no, I have no idea how long this will take. It could be short, it could be long. There is no way of knowing right now.

I know that adding another person, a hospital bed, commodes, and the like to our family and 1,000 sq-ft and 1 bathroom doesn’t seem ideal (and it isn’t) but given things like location to her doctors and other private family stuff,  her being here is the best situation we all could come up with.

This is when being a personal blogger is tough.

I worry about unloading here about my stress.

I worry my boss will see this or hear about it and think I have too much on my plate to do my job. (I can do my job. I will get what needs to be done, done. I am beyond grateful for my job and the friends and support that it brings me. Not everyone has a boss that truly loves them and that you can call at 1 am and cry on their shoulders. I am one lucky woman. And I am SO grateful for the income it allows me to give my family. Worrying about money right now would truly be awful.)

I worry that the people waiting on posts that I promised to write and post weeks ago will think I suck. (UGH, I am so sorry. They WILL be written, I just gots nuthin’ right now.)

I worry that people will be judgmental or think I am an idiot for trying to juggle working full time and homeschooling and family and Butterlump and Jonathan being gone a full week with all of this and that my kids will be seriously neglected. (I am not a perfect mom but I would never neglect my children. Never. But you also gotta do what ya gotta do sometimes.)

I worry that my mom will read this and feel bad for being a burden, or my dad will feel like he isn’t doing enough to help or family will see it and think that I can’t take care of her well enough or that I think they or any of my friends should be doing more to help. (My mother is NEVER a burden. She’s my mom. I owe her. I can take care of her. Dad, you rock for doing all my dishes and sweeping my floors today. My siblings and friends are great…You’re all doing enough.)

I worry that no one will just let me say “Great!” when they ask me how things are going because they have read here that things are stressful. (Please let me just say it and act like you believe it. Sometimes we need to cling to our bravado to get through the day, you know?)

It can make it daunting to open up on here.

But at the end of the day, EVERYONE has to have a place where they can be vulnerable and honest.

And for me, that place has always been here.

My little blog.

The friend that is ALWAYS here for me no matter what, no matter when, no matter.

It can take and take and take what I dish out and I don’t have to worry about being too much or too little or too, TOO.

Even though it is public and out in the open, it is my little corner of the world to wrap up with my security blankie and get some comfort.

So, here it is.

This is hard.

So hard.

And I feel six kinds of inadequate about getting everything done that needs doing and being able to juggle all these balls without dropping one or four.

I’ve already failed like crazy.

My worst fear in all of this happened last night.

My mom, not wanting to be a burden, got up by herself in the night and she fell.

Luckily, she is FINE. She didn’t hurt herself and I heard her through the monitor we have set up, but it scared me to death. She could really have been hurt. I am thinking that I will move a mattress into the front room and sleep in there so that I can hear her and get to her more quickly.

But man…I am so tired today.

I have no resentment for my mom, family or anyone but I sure DO have resentment for the universe sometimes.

I mean, really? Did Butterlump REALLY have to mess in the tub RIGHT after I’d washed the shower curtain, scrubbed the bathroom and showered and right as I had a conference call and dinner on the stove? REALLY?!

Did all of this have to happen right when Jonathan has the ONE work trip he MUST take for his biggest client?  REALLY? He felt so bad about leaving us for the week and it took everything I had to not grab onto him and sob, “Please don’t leave me here with all of this by myself.”

And did ALL of us have to wake up with hurting, infected lungs and fevers today????? REALLY?????

It’s enough to make you want to put a fork in your eye.

But, honestly, it will be OK.

I will be OK.

Because I got to talk about it here and get a little frustration out.

And I would rather have my life fall upside down and sideways and have my mom alive and here.

Because I am not old enough to be without her.