**Update to the update: My mom continues to FLOURISH under the care of her new Physical Therapist. The nurses and everyone on that floor has been absolutely wonderful to her with the exception of the Jerk Physical Therapist that she had originally. AND…we found out that aforementioned Jerk Physical Therapist is apparently going to be promoted to the head of the rehab floor. I really feel for the future patients of that floor. I am totally flabbergasted that they would promote someone who is so un-compassionate and frankly, lazy and unkind. Not only was his awful and uncaring to my mother but he was ignorant and completely dismissive to our family when we advocated for her care. I totally fail to see how they think this is a good choice for their hospital, especially as we talked to them so recently. We’re going to let them know how we feel about it. Not for vengeance or out of anger but because this is not a person who should be at the helm of caring for long term rehab patients. At least NOTHING in our experience with him speaks for it. At least she has one amazing man helping her now and for that I am grateful like you cannot believe! Hopefully, my mom will improve to the point that we can get her out of there before he comes back on shift. I don’t want him anywhere near my mother.
*Update: As of today I think things will be much better. We DID step in because frankly, my mom’s Physical Therapist is big JERK. My sister caught him making exaggerated “MOVE ON” eye-rolling gestures to the other people in the room when we were there by invitation to discuss and address our concerns with my mom with the rehab team. SO flipping arrogant and disrespectful! What was so awful is he was our ONLY option for Physical Therapy for my mom. BUT…they work 7-days on 7-days off and she has a GREAT Physical Therapist now. I sat and watched him work with her today. He walked her and actually (gasp!) did exercises with her instead of just walking her to the bathroom. He was funny and good natured but also firm and encouraging with my mom. He pushed her just a bit further than she thought she could go but also listened to her when she said she was done. She LOVES him and was so verbally grateful to him for his help and just for being kind to her. As for her insurance, it took awhile to unravel with the hosptial social workers and them BUT, we have at least another week with her there. Then we have a $75-a day option after that. The hospital has SWORN that they will not make her leave until she can walk to and use the bathroom by herself and roll on her side without us having to lift her. She looked better today than we have ever seen her. They have really listened to us and my father and mother were grateful that we stepped in and advocated. I thank ALL of you for giving me the help and advice. I brought up MANY of the things you said and it was helpful. (AND YES! WE FED THEM. AND THEY LOVED IT! Three dozen assorted pastries from a great bakery go over well.) I have the best readers on the Internet. For reals. I owe you all so much. xo
I am the youngest of 6 kids. My mom had me at the tail end of her 30′s and I’ve always known that I would lose my parents at a younger age than most people I know. I’ve also made peace that I will likely have a lot of care-giving of my parents as they age and their health declines.
It’s tough to know what to do and when to step in and that is exactly what I am struggling with tonight.
As y’all know, my mom had major surgery the day that I left to go to Nashville to speak at a blogging conference
When I called to check in they said that she had a rough go of it when she came out of surgery but that the operation went well and that she was doing a lot better than expected.
That seems to have changed.
She looks awful, she sounds awful and heavily drugged and today my dad called very upset and concerned at the amount of pain killers she is on and other things that are going on regarding her care and progress. She could barely carry on a conversation with me and while I know she is in a lot of pain, it’s been a week since her surgery and I wasn’t expecting that level of incoherant conversation at this point. Also, she has been moved to the long-term care unit at the hospital. Apparently, her doctors NEVER sees her, only gets reports from the nurses. This is apparently the norm on this floor. And I have a problem with it. And I have to keep wondering if they are truly looking at her like a rehabilitation case or simply someone who is old. My mother was ACTIVE. She has worked hard every day of her life until this problem. It seems like there is no therapy going on at all other than helping her to the bathroom. And then my father told me that her shoulder was killing her and she asked the therapist if he could help her work it, move it or rub it to lessen the pain.
His response?
“No. You need to learn to do these things yourself.”
Finally, a nurse came in hours later to help her because it was hurting her so much.
I was pissed.
MIGHTILY PISSED.
I wanted to throat punch that therapist.
I went back and forth on the phone with my sister and we both agreed to go meet with them tomorrow to talk (respectfully) with her nurses and Physical Therapists.
Then I got another phone call from my father.
He told my mother when he visited tonight that we were concerned about her care and wanted to address it with the physical therapist and she wigged.
My mother doesn’t want anyone to say anything.
And because my mother doesn’t want anyone to say anything my father now doesn’t want anyone to say anything.
My mother says her nurses are amazing (which I believe) and that her therapist was likely just having a bad day. While I can also believe this, I still feel very not great about saying nothing about the concerns that I have as her daughter.
I realize that my concerns are not huge, life-threatening, or vital. But it has got me thinking about the future and other situations I will find myself in some day. And what to and not do regarding my parents and what is best.
For now, I am abiding by their wishes because at the end of the day, they are my parents and not children.
They can decide these things for themselves.
But I still feel helpless and crappy saying nothing.
I just started following your blog so am just jumping in on this situation. Wow, it doesn’t sound like a good situation for your mom, dad, or you. I am a PT and have worked many years in a hospital. I’ll try to give you my 2 cents worth. I think you are your mom’s biggest advocate and you need to speak out for her. She may be afraid to say anything bad because she might think it will result in poor care. You should talk to the nurse supervisor for that unit, and if you are not satisfied, than go to the director of nursing for the hospital. Be sure you let them know that you are thankful for the nursing care they are providing, but are concerned about the therapist and the MD visits. You can always ask that another PT work with your mom too. You can also ask to speak with the social service person.
The other option is to check out other rehab facilities. I’m not sure where you are located, but there are usually options outside of the hospital. I have worked in nursing homes that have a dedicated rehab unit attached. Medicare will pay for that too.
You should not have to put up with bad care or subpar care. Your mom deserves better. And the physical therapist should be giving better!
Please email me if you want to talk with me more directly.
After my first surgical experience just shy of a week ago, I feel your pain. The nurses were the only saving grace of my hospital stay; though I’m sure the surgeon is wonderful at the surgery part, his bedside manner was the worst and I very nearly didn’t go through with surgery due to his lack of skill in that area – I kept trying to justify to myself that I could deal with the pain for the rest of my life.
I’m actually penning thank you notes to a handful of my nurses right now as they truly were angels. There were others who weren’t helpful at all which was unfortunate as they were nurses who were caring for me on the surgical floor when I had to unexpectedly stay overnight instead of being sent home the same day. I was so upset about that and having less than helpful nurses did not help especially as my pain level steadily rose overnight and nausea kicked in.
I say all of this as it was challenging enough to advocate care for myself as best I could and couldn’t rely on anyone else to advocate for me as my husband wasn’t allowed to stay. I can’t say what to do about your mother, but I know I would have appreciated someone else to reasonably advocate for me or at least get some answers. I never got so much as one visit from my surgeon following the surgery and won’t even be meeting with him for my post-op appt.
Needless to say, my first experience in this area has been far more enlightening than I ever wanted it to be in good and awful ways. You and your entire family are most definitely in my thoughts and prayers no matter how you decide to proceed.
I agree with the person above, the whole point of being in the hospital is to be under the care of a doctor who comes to see you. I would definitely go speak with the social services people and get an advocate who knows the ins and outs of hospital policy. I’d let them know the nurses are doing great but that what’s the point of being in hospital if you arent getting help from PT and the DR to actually leave said hospital?
I hope this gets sorted out soon so she can start her road to recovery and have good health!
I don’t think this is a time where you can be silent despite your mom’s wishes. She needs a strong advocate and it sounds like you’re the logical person to serve that role. Not only is it hard to be your own advocate when you’re ill, it sounds like it isn’t comfortable or natural for her to assert herself. Your concerns truly are valid. If you guys don’t speak up no one will ever know that things aren’t going as well as they should be.
I am so sorry to hear your mom is in distress, Loralee. I am surrounded by a medical family, and MANY relatives have had multiple surgeries, so I know from whence I speak.
A patient MUST advocate for their best care, and if they’re not willing or able to do it, it is the family’s responsibility to say something. Don’t just go along and assume “they know what they’re doing.” Suffering in silence is not only a poor idea, it can significantly damage her recovery. Pain management has become a much bigger issue in health care these days (at least at facilities that know what the hell they’re doing). Nurses and physicians should always be keeping a very close eye on a patient’s pain level, and constantly asking “On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain you’ve ever felt in your life, how do you feel?”. Being doped up and mentally altered, as scary as it can be for the family (and I know first hand what it looks like), is a MUCH better temporary state than agonizing pain. The meds can be backed off when the pain eases.
If the therapist is indifferent to her pain, he needs to be removed from her care team immediately. I’m not kidding, Loralee – a therapist should KNOW the difference. No excuses. Someone is immediately post-op and they “need to learn to do this for themselves”? WRONG. My gut is this person is incompetent, and at the very least, a poor caregiver. Kick them to the curb and get another therapist.
I hate to say ignore your mother, but in this isolated case you should ignore her. Her care is more important than her concern about making waves. She’s not there to make friends, she’s there to get better. Nothing else matters, and pain management is very serious stuff.
Finally, big warm hugs to you and the whole family, especially your dear mom. I hope her recovery improves soon.
It’s time to throw a hissy. Your mom is drugged and likely not thinking too thoroughly herself yet. My suggestion is to demand a meeting with her doctors and therapist and tell her exactly how active she was before and how much she is struggling right now. Don’t let up. Be respectful, but firmly demanding.
I went through something like this on a much lesser scale when my mom broke her leg in 3 places and over the multivarious times my grandmother was ill or injured. (I’ll just disclose that my grandmother was an addict to painkillers and ciggs and alcohol that was extremely sneaky and smart.)
*hugs* You can do this. And you have got the backbone to pull it off. My thoughts are with you!
My husbands grandfather had surgery nearly a week ago and he too is experiencing so much pain and so many complications that they cannot give a prognosis at this point. The family isn’t experiencing the same issues about treatment that you are, but the situation itself is so very difficult and I sympathize with your struggle.
Hang in there.
I would feel pretty crappy about this situation too, if I found myself in it. However, I think it’s best to follow your mother’s wishes for now, as any stress or upset could interfere with her healing, especially if she’s in bad shape already. It’s best to keep her calm and content.
However, I would be watching the hospital staff like a hawk, and should the care continue to be sub-par, I would complain in private… or consider switching therapists.
Wishing you the best!
I echo everyone else’s sentiments that you should say something. It doesn’t have to be a big confrontation in order to make a difference. Also, your mom doesn’t have to know about your chat with the nurse supervisor.
Another suggestion, I think nurses also enjoy it when patients bring them treats like cookies or muffins. Sometimes a little bribe goes a long way!
Alright my love, I am the youngest too and had to be the advocate for my parents. Advocate is the operative term there. Having been in the position of needing advocacy, but not wanting to ruffle feathers, I understand your mom and dad BUT this is your mother’s health and well-being and of course therein, your dad’s too! (whew sentence diarrhea… get the Charmin, I’ll wait)
Anyway, Sweetie, do what your heart is telling you. Go in and speak with the necessary parties. Firm but friendly first and then if necessary you can call out ombudsmen as I am sure are available through the Utah gov’t.
Email or message me if you need anything. I have plenty of pointed questions and succinct protocol expectations.
You’re an awesome daughter. Your Mom and Dad are blessed to have you and your siblings.
XXOXX
Long time lurker, first time to comment. I agree with the majority here!
You will never regret speaking up. I lost my dad 12 years ago this month and he had just turned 60. I’ll refrain from sharing the bad stuff. Mostly though, even with a very strong wife (my mother) by his side, the spouse role is sometimes too close to be the best advocate in the moment. Speak up, speak from your heart and don’t hesitate to keep speaking up until everyone understands the level of care she needs. You can certainly keep the conversations with the doctors and providers private if it will add stress to your mom and dad but they really do need you to be her advocate right now.
This is a tough position to be in.
As part of my nursing training, I am currently doing clinicals and education with a long term care facility. And we HOPE for families to be part of the treatment team. Concerned offspring are more than helpful. I would encourage you to be kind and patient and understanding, but to not hesitate to get involved. As some previous commenters said, your mother is under sedation and your father is too close. A clear-headed third party who is concerned and knowledgeable about the patient is a goldmine to a conscientious caregiver. I would go ahead with the meeting.
It is very important that you advocate for your mother. Every article that you read says it the patients duty to be their own advocate, but if your mother is unable, or more likely, afraid, it is necessary for the family to become involved. Your mother and father are very fortunate to have children willing to do so. Many are not so lucky. Many family members and patients are afraid that if they say anything, the care will not be as good, but if you are not happy with the care to begin with this should not be the deciding factor. Good luck and speak up.
I’ve played this role with both my parents as they were dying. My mother had terminal cancer from when I was 13-20 and decisions fell to me from day one, because I was the only person at home with her. I let her make all her own decisions while she was of sound mind but when she was unconscious, I got tough and fought with doctors and got stuck right into it to do what was best for her.
Recently I lost my dad to a big stroke which took out his communication. We asked him what we could and got answers by hand squeezes but one of those was whether to rescuscitate him. He squeezed for yes but the doctors were saying no. We took them aside and made them talk us through all reasoning for a good hour. It’s their job to take care of the patient and make sure the family are included in big decisions, so I say give the doc the benefit of the doubt this time (as your mum is of sound mind) but be on top of it and if they arent improving then call a meeting with them and ask them to outline plans for her rehabilitation and follow up care with you.
Also it might pay to ask what you can do yourselves to help with rehab. I know it’s not your job necessarily but physio can’t help her/be there as much as you all can. If you all know what exercises will help her, you can do them with her or at least remind her to do them herself.
Hoping things improve quickly…you’re a good daughter.
Here’s my two cents, and I intend no disrespect to the wonderful people who are nurses, doctors, PTs, etc.
Hospitals as institutions are designed with a revolving door. Get ‘em in, get ‘em out–as efficiently as possible. Regardless of what your mother’s insurance covers, hospitals have to operate on an administrative level with Medicare regulations in mind. The staff work for the administration, and have to follow the administration’s lead.
When my mother was ill, she was covered by medicare and private ‘gap’ insurance to cover what Medicare didn’t. We also had cash. They wanted to eject her from the hospital and we were unable to care for her (though we heard similar things, “You’ll have to learn how to do this…”). We were willing to pay out of pocket, in advance, to keep her in the hospital, and the professionals we dealt with did everything they could to get her out, despite the fact that she was not keeping a bed from another patient (there were numerous empty beds on the ward).
We stood firm. We asked questions. When the answer didn’t satisfy, or wasn’t clear, we asked again, we re-phrased, we played good-cop/bad-cop…whatever it took to get our message across *and* to obtain the information that we needed. When the care wasn’t happening, we would physically find a staff person and stop them and tell them she needed help. It was agonizing, on so many levels.
Have that meeting today–ask all the questions you can think of, write everything down. Share your concerns, what you’ve observed and ask for explanations. Write their responses down, too. If something isn’t clear, or “feels” wrong, keep going until it’s clear or feels better to you.
Your parents, like mine, are of a generation where MDs may as well be gods. They don’t want to make waves, be pests, or be ‘bad patients’. Stand firm, and don’t stop asking questions or advocating until you feel comfortable that the next steps are the right ones for your mom. The last thing you want is to look back on this thinking, “I should have…”
Sending good thoughts and virtual ((Hugs)) your way–It is hard for us to see our parents in situations like this, especially when something about it just isn’t sitting right…stay strong, Loralee.
This is such a tough situation to be in as a child, even an adult child. My mom was diagnosed with Lupus when I was still in high school. Over the next 15 years I learned how to advocate for her when my dad was to close, to emotionally involved or even when he was working and couldn’t be at the hospital. It is not fun but necessary.
Anyhow, this is a conversation that is unpleasant for your parents and you. You need to have it and soon. You also need to have a durable Medical Power of Attorney that will let you make these kind of advocacy decisions if need be.
If you want to back off for now, that is okay. But you need to keep a close eye on the situation. Talk to you dad separately about your concerns in a neutral place, not the hospital. There are things you can do such as talk to the nurses on duty about your mom, talk to the head nurse about your concerns and what you see. Be nice but firm. Question and make sure you understand the reasoning or explainations behind the hospital’s decisions. This is a subtle way of advocating for your parents. Just explain you were away for work but want to “catch up” on what her prognosis, etc. are for now.
Hospitals are a business. Nurses and PTs, for the most part, want what is best for their patients to get better. You have to be an advocate for yourself. Know the insurance plan, educate yourself on the diagnosis, treatment options, and stand up for what you think should be done.
Hugs and strength to you!
I’ve lurked here for a while, but I had to comment because this one is close to my heart. This past year my Dad had, for the first time in his 73 years, some serious health problems. For the first time in my life, I had to interfere in my Dad’s life…
My Dad is an excellent patient, but he is from a different generation and in ways he still believes that MD stands for “minor deity” and not medical doctor. He never questioned why certain treatments or medications were being used and let’s face it, back in the day there certainly weren’t that many to choose from anyway. He had six different doctors, and every one of them was doing their own thing. I flew in when he was hospitalized in February and then six weeks later, when he was telling me he was fine, his friends were calling me and telling me he wasn’t. I made the decision to bring him back to Chicago. I tossed a suitcase in my van and drove 1800 miles without him ever knowing. I questioned myself with every mile I drove. I had NEVER, EVER interfered like this and I was SURE he was going to be PISSED. I showed up, told him we were leaving by the end of the week, and he was GRATEFUL! I had no idea. All of this was followed by a conversation that included words like “burden” “convenient” and “busy”. Suffice it to say I told him that life is never convenient, I’m never too busy to care for people I love, and that by trying so hard NOT to be a burden, he made it all that much more complicated.
Eight months later, he’s fine. I went to every appointment. As a matter of fact, he wouldn’t go to an appointment without me. In coming to terms with what I did, I decided that my Dad would always love me, and if he didn’t LIKE me for interfering, I could live with it. It was a ridiculously difficult place to get to.
Your heart knows exactly what you should do… listen to it….
My thoughts are with you…
I would say something (respectfully) anyway. I don’t take crap from people in hospitals. They’ll push you around unless you tell them to stop. When my mom was in the hospital, they treated her like crap and my dad wasn’t doing anything because he was too freaked out scared. So, my sisters stepped in. Say something, honey. Your mom will thank you later when her care inproves.
No experience with this myself but my gut instinct is that you need to speak up. IMO, it IS a huge, life-threatening, and vital. However, I would use much more caution if there is no alternative. You need to be able to transfer her if they are uncooperative.
I too am the baby of my family and a later in life child. I have been where you are after my dad suffered a stroke. My mom was afraid if we said anything they would treat him badly or not at all. I had to tell her that by not saying anything he was already being treated badly and sometimes not at all. She finally agreed to allow me to intervene on his behalf so long as it was done in a polite manner (my mom is the politeness police). You need to discuss this with both of your parents and let them know that you will handle things respectfully and will make sure that it is known that the nurses have been doing their jobs. It seems to me like the doctor should be coming in at least once a week to check for himself on your mom’s progress (I work for a rehab hospital, and I know that in rehab situations the doctor doesn’t have as much hand’s on contact with the patient if it is not required). I hope your mom feels much better very, very soon.
Wow – you have great readers. I was reading your post and getting ready to give you a “get in there, girl!” when I read the comments. I agree with everyone (well, the majority, I think there was 1 person who thought you should not say anything) above – you HAVE to intervene. Your mom’s well being is at stake. We have recently gone through this with both my parents. We make sure someone is with them when they are in the hospital all the time, because it is really hard to advocate for yourself in the hospital. If your mom is so heavily medicated, she may not be thinking clearly. Just do it, you will NEVER be sorry you spoke up on her behalf, and when it is over, with a better outcome, she’ll be glad you did.
Blessings to you, prayers for your mama – Megan
Call the hospital’s Social Worker immediately. If your Mom or Dad asks, the Social Worker is being included so they can help make a long term plan.
My Dad never liked to make a fuss either but he learned to pretend that I was a bitch-on-wheels that he had no control over while he happily benefiting from the “extra” attention. This precedent was set early upon his arrival of each of his hospital stays.
Also, FEED the nursing staff. Bring them something every shift. Mark the box, “Thank you for taking such good care of our Mom. Hearts & Hugs, The Looney Tunes Family”. Coffee, cookies, donuts, cupcakes, sandwiches, mini-quiches, turkey roll-ups – whatever you get make sure it’s in a pastry-type box that you can mark with your note!!
The feed the staff thing is SOOO true! My husband brought chocolates in for the nurses during my c-section stay. They treated me like I was in a spa, – they knew my baby was in a different hospital and had started off being somewhat impatient with my distress and tears. The chocolates made them much more sympathetic!
i have, um, A LOT of opinions on this because i used to work as a social worker in the private sector, and i mostly dealt with the elderly. i wont waste your blog space with it but i will say this: follow your instincts. if you care for me to elaborate, please feel free to email me with any questions. good luck.
They are adults, and until they give you medical power of attorney or become too far out of it to understand what is going on, it’s up to them. Yes, you are the children. (sorry)
I’m so sorry Loralee. This kinda sucks for you, huh? I would respect your parents’ wishes for now (because like you said, they’re not children…) BUT keep an eye on that staff and if anything else happens, speak up right then and there. That way your parents can’t object to you speaking up. Praying for you, girlie!
Loralee…during our 4 years in Utah, we had the worst medical care. I don’t know why it’s like this there but I feel like you need to fight for your mom. You’d want them to fight for you.
Hope she’s doing better today.
i’ve been in your place, well, sorta. i’m the youngest of 4 and as we all know by now, i am not exactly known for keeping my opinions to myself. when you have a parent or loved one who is having health problems of any kind, and it seems like they are just being run over and taken advantage of by others and your loved ones have gotten to the point where they say they don’t want to bother, then it’s time to take over and put a little diva in your step. my mom affectionately calls it pulling a laci.
without informing your parents, you need to talk to the hospital administrator first. then to the doctors and nurses. trust me, that works. that is the admin’s job and they will get things done quickly.
My Dad had been taking care of my mother this past year and when it came to the funeral arrangements last week, I found my anger at the situation directed at the man who was handling us at the funeral home. He was trying to upsell Dad on a lot of things. Mom and Dad are/were on disability. There are 4 of us kids and we have to pay for the funeral. Two of the kids can’t pay anything so my brother and I are splitting it.
I took the man aside and it took all my strength not to breathe fire down his throat. I was very very hot-angry, like you feel towards the therapist.
I think these are delicate situations and of course you don’t want to go against anything your mother and father have said. You might be best to have this conversation with your father, letting him know that you’re able to handle the therapist’s attitude and that he needs to know it’s okay to give that job to you. Or let it run it’s course and maybe your father will just get angry enough…I don’t know. Tough call, but best of luck. xoxo
I went through something similar with my dad last year after his heart attack and subsequent bypass surgery. He didn’t want to rock the boat when there were nurses or doctors that weren’t thorough or attentive. It came down to me telling my parents (rather firmly) that Dad wasn’t going to get the care he needed until someone demanded it. Yes, we could do it nicely, but we needed to ask for what we needed and make it clear that we expected to get it.
Don’t be passive with your mom’s care. It’s costing someone a pretty penny. You need to demand the service that you’re paying for.
Say.Something. People of her generation tend to follow the “respect the doctors, they always know best” school of thought. Uh, I can tell you from absolutely firsthand experience (as both patient and doctor in training) that that is not the case. Doctors get a few minutes at a time with a patient, and unless the patients say the relevant things, they’re basically going to miss the entire point. So you need to say something. It does not matter what your parents say, because this could make all the difference to her care.
Oh, and by the way, that therapist’s response was absolutely unacceptable, bad day or not. If he needed a break, he could have tag teamed with someone else. End of story.
Pardon my interjecting, as I have never before read your blog. It struck a chord, deeply. I humbly relate the following.
I have cared for two older parents(stroke and leukemia patients, also back surgery), a mentally challenged older brother with fractured hip an later stage 4 lung cancer, (group home ignored his hip injury), and a husband who died of ESR after 3 years on dialysis with no hope of a kidney transplant. I learned a lot. I am a social worker by profession, with a master’s degree, but in all these cases I was a family member. All of my loved ones were in hospitals, and/or rehab,nursing homes and surgery centers. My husband was in and out of the hospital almost weekly until he died
You must speak up. You may make people angry,if they are condescending or unwilling to hear you. But your mom is paying for physicians care, and services. If you have access to her medical bills and/or medicare statements you will see the charges, probably a daily one for her MD, and each provider including PT, OT.
Many facilities are understaffed, some personnel will do as little as they can get away with, if they are not ethical people. It took me and my 3 daughters to advocate for my family members. My girls were 9 to early 20′s, they were young but even they learned to listen, ask for services, monitor the medications given our loved ones, and speak up to the staff. We saved our loved ones lives and sanity many times. We also made them upset at times trying to get what they needed. When you are ill you are vulnerable, and if on drugs as you mentioned, somewhat indisposed. Your dad is compromised too, in that he is watching the person he loves suffer, and not knowing how to protect/help her. He may feel a bit incapasitated. The surroundings of all these facilities make us feel less educated or inept to act at times, but also vulnerable. But we can understand English, or the language spoken (my heart has always truly gone out to those with language issues in these settings, and we are due the courtesy of be addressed in layman’s terms.
I have had to chase physicians down the hall to get a report; stop a PT (who was not given or did not read my husbands records) from giving him orange juice and milk when he was recently hospitalized for K (potassium overload). He was so eager to have the forbidden foods that he did not speak up.
I had to stop a medication being given to my MR brother because it was spelled similar to the med he was supposed to get to control ceizures. The nurse taking his Hx at admission was due to leave in 10 min and give the shift report, she misspelled the med. and he was put on one that sounded very similar.I noticed him being given an orange liquid, that I had never seen before.
Another time, I had to go to the hospital board because physiatrist treating her post op, who did not know her, ,,,threatened to dump my mom after back surgery, because I had asked repeatedly that they stop her meds and evaluate her strange behaviours. She was on so many drugs for pain that she was not herself, and put was actually put on suicide watch. I went to the 5 doctors who consulted on her case(one was her personal physician, who had known her for years) to ask them to go back down to home meds plus tylenol or some meds she was used to, for pain until they could get all the drugs out of her system, and try one slowly at a time (thus eliminating the variables for the culprit drug). I went to 5 physicians, each was afraid to overstep the other. My mom had received all the painkillers they knew off in less than a week, when each seemed not to work. Finally, I came in one am and the nurse said your mom is being released (5 days post op of a level three back surgery. I was incensed and asked who was on the board of directors
I went to the board the one dr said they had decided to try home meds plus tylenol an benedryl. Often we are not aware of the extent of professional courtesy and hospital politics, we are just injured, people trying to get well.
after 24 hrs my mom became her sane self again. Meds can effect the elderly differently from younger people.
I say this to you, you must help her out. How can she learn the safest way to help an (surgically repaird) shoulder, or I assume that is the situation, without proper instruction.
I would like to add EMPHATICALLY that all of my loved ones were cared for by a myriad other loving, attentive, ETHICAL,concientitous, LOVING, nurses, physicians, PT’s, OT’s, dietitians, transporters, social workers, house keepers, you name it. Never underestimate the power of some of these “non medical employees. All of my loved ones were released and made better numerous times before their deaths, due to the care of wonderful people in the same facilities. They all recovered due to the expertise and care of these professional, dedicated people. But we had to advocate, constantly, and persistently at times. They do NOT know your mom,he nature, or habits and only some are aware of her abiiities on a normal day. They learn only what is told to them. They are busy people, but they care, and for the most part they do their job well.
Try not to be obnoxious,be respectful, and yet get the message across. There are patient advocates in each facility,if you need to resort to that. Other commenters above have said it better, but I say that you and your dad must know/learn the facts. We are not talking DNR’s here. Your dad is that for sure, (I had to address those too). She just needs your help,recovering and being comfortable and safe.
I feel like I’ve spent half of my life in a hospital- and I haven’t read all of the comments, but did read the first one and I agree. I think maybe your mom just doesn’t want to piss anyone off or ruffle any feathers while she’s under their care. When my parents are with me in the hospital and something is not quite right my mom’s first instinct is to go and find someone to try to make it right, and I’m ALWAYS saying “no, no, no” just because I don’t want to be a “problem” to them. I definitely think something needs to be said. The pain medicine is a very scary thing and can end up making the situation so much worse. I’m not saying no to pain meds, but they tend to give it away like candy in there. I think it’s easier to keep someone drugged up and groggy than have to deal with them, ya know? I was in the hospital last week for a stomach bug and high blood sugar and the FIRST thing the doctor tried to give me was morphine. WHAT THE HELL?
I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. I hope everything works out and your mom gets to feeling better asap.
Hi Loralee,
There is a lot of powerful advice above.
There should really only be one advocate for care and certainly not 6 or 7. Mother, Father, youngest daughter, other siblings, etc is just inviting confusion and frustration at all levels. I would recommend sitting down en famille and working out who is the primary advocate after your mother and then accepting that arrangement.
Best wishes for your mother’s speedy recovery!
physical therapy is critical. i think you should take the risk and go over your parents head. more than likely they are suffering from a “doctors are like gods” complex and worry that if they rock the boat they will be chastised in some way. i have had some experience with this and i can tell you that many times the medical staff is not used to an involved family, so some things get overlooked or neglected all together. my 2 cents is: be an advocate. make some waves and talk to the social worker to coordinate some care that will get your mom better and the hell out of there! :)
good luck and all the best. i know how hard this is and what you are going through.
GET IN THERE AND FIGHT!Someone needs to be your mom’s voice. I do agree it needs to be one person, but you all have to be the power behind that voice. Nothing will change if you don’t.
I feel really underqualified to have an opinion on this subject but here it is anyway: Do it. Step in. Speak up. I know a lot of times people are scared to piss off the doctors and nurses (I know I was when I was postpartum) and maybe they need someone else to be their voice.
Talk with the Doctor, nurses, and PT. Tell them your concerns and ask them “how best, as concerned family can we assist our mother in regaining her health”. Tell your mother and father you are concerned and as their children you need advice from the caregivers on how to deal with you personal feelings.
A little over a decade ago, when my stepmother was in the hospital, I was reluctant, for some of the very same reasons you outline here, to rock the family boat by putting my nose in where it wasn’t wanted. So I didn’t.
I can’t ask her whether she wishes I had made a different decision, since she died in the hospital.
But I know what I wish. Every day.
Your mom might be pissed if you speak up on her behalf against her wishes, but it’s far better to have a healthy angry mother than no mother at all.
Stand up for her. Especially if she is in LRH! Until you do she won’t get the care she needs! Who cares what the staff thinks of you? You won’t feel better about it until you do. Good luck!
CALL HER DOCTOR. DO IT NOW! CALL HIM. If you have to set an appointment to see him, then do it. Discuss all of this with him. He may not know what is going on. If nothing else, you will find out if the treatment she is receiving is normal for the surgery she had, for the condition she is in and for that facility. I agree that you should be respectful, but every patient and their family deserves answers to their questions and concerns. Your mother is obviously a sweet person as she is more concerned with the caregivers than herself, but she is in no position to truly judge what is happening or what to expect while on heavy pain meds. Do it, do it now.
I agree, you should say something. When my mother-in-law was in the hospital she was adamant that she did NOT want to have to have the breathing tube. My dad-in-law felt bad the whole time because she obviously wanted to say something to him during the week she was on it. Once she got it out, and felt better, he braced himself and asked what she had wanted to say this whole week…she said, “Thank you” and “I love you”. When you are sick, you don’t always know or can’t see what’s best for you, what will help you. Hope this helps some.
I think, since it sound like your mom has good nurses, you should bring it up with them first – in your mom’s room if it won’t be too disruptive. Ask if this is a normal recovery path; if you guys can learn to do some of the care; share your concerns and ask how to bring it up with the therapist; and ask if the head nurse would be willing to intervene with the doctors for you. This way your mom’s involved, the nurses are involved and your family is involved and togeather a better care plan can be developed, tailored to your mom’s strengths. Most of the time, nurses are your biggest supporter and they know all the ins and outs and want what is best for their paitents care. I say most because I had a nurse yell at me and refuse to give me drugs post-op because when she had asked while I was still comming out of anasthesia I had said no. She refused to help me after that and my Hubs had me released because he was so affaraid she would hurt me (and she knew I had an aunt working at that hospital)… The yelling was out of control, I have rarely seen grown-ups loose it like she did. If your nurses are like that then disrigard my previous statement. Also a pan of nut-free brownies dropped off at the nurses station may also foster good will!
I think it is one of those things where you don’t really know what is right. You just have to trust your instincts and got with it.
I would be LIVID. Seriously. I have a very protective mama-bear mentality when it comes to my parents, too, and would’ve not handled the situation well. You did a good thing in stepping back and taking a breather before punching someone out. I would have a very hard time biting my tongue, but you are right in not addressing it right now, if that is what your parents want. However, it might not be a bad idea to write down all the things that bother you throughout this process so you have documentation if you need it down the road. Just a thought…hope you won’t need it! Hugs to your Mama…she’s lucky to have you for a daughter! ;)
Stand up for you mother, you will not regret it. My Dad had a major surgery and wasn’t being well cared for. Unfortunately I had to get mean with several people, BUT the care improved immensely once my opinion was voiced and threats shouted. You go girl.
*hugs* I read the update, and I’m so pleased for you and your family!!!
So pleased with both the advice given here, and the results! Thanks for updating us. :)
Big HUGS!! My parent’s also didn’t have children until they were well into their 30s and I know these types of situations are on the horizon for me too. I’m so glad to hear she is doing better!
So, so glad to hear that things are better with your mom – dad too – if they see an involved fam, they are less likely to put her care off or be less diligent. I know in our experience, the majority of nurses are AMAZING, but just like the rest of humanity, people get tired, or routine, and forget to be just that little bit of caring. So glad things are better for ya!