How do I know when to step in and advocate on behalf of a hospitalized parent?

**Update to the update: My mom continues to FLOURISH under the care of her new Physical Therapist. The nurses and everyone on that floor has been absolutely wonderful to her with the exception of the Jerk Physical Therapist that she had originally. AND…we found out that aforementioned Jerk Physical Therapist is apparently going to be promoted to the head of the rehab floor. I really feel for the future patients of that floor. I am totally flabbergasted that they would promote someone who is so un-compassionate and frankly, lazy and unkind. Not only was his awful and uncaring to my mother but he was ignorant and completely dismissive to our family when we advocated for her care. I totally fail to see how they think this is a good choice for their hospital, especially as we talked to them so recently. We’re going to let them know how we feel about it. Not for vengeance or out of anger but because this is not a person who should be at the helm of caring for long term rehab patients. At least NOTHING in our experience with him speaks for it. At least she has one amazing man helping her now and for that I am grateful like you cannot believe! Hopefully, my mom will improve to the point that we can get her out of there before he comes back on shift. I don’t want him anywhere near my mother.

*Update: As of today I think things will be much better. We DID step in because frankly, my mom’s Physical Therapist is big JERK. My sister caught him making exaggerated “MOVE ON” eye-rolling gestures to the other people in the room when we were there by invitation to discuss and address our concerns with my mom with the rehab team. SO flipping arrogant and disrespectful! What was so awful is he was our ONLY option for Physical Therapy for my mom. BUT…they work 7-days on 7-days off and she has a GREAT Physical Therapist now. I sat and watched him work with her today. He walked her and actually (gasp!) did exercises with her instead of just walking her to the bathroom. He was funny and good natured but also firm and encouraging with my mom. He pushed her just a bit further than she thought she could go but also listened to her when she said she was done. She LOVES him and was so verbally grateful to him for his help and just for being kind to her. As for her insurance, it took awhile to unravel with the hosptial social workers and them BUT, we have at least another week with her there. Then we have a $75-a day option after that. The hospital has SWORN that they will not make her leave until she can walk to and use the bathroom by herself and roll on her side without us having to lift her. She looked better today than we have ever seen her. They have really listened to us and my father and mother were grateful that we stepped in and advocated. I thank ALL of you for giving me the help and advice. I brought up MANY of the things you said and it was helpful. (AND YES! WE FED THEM. AND THEY LOVED IT! Three dozen assorted pastries from a great bakery go over well.) I have the best readers on the Internet. For reals. I owe you all so much. xo

I am the youngest of 6 kids. My mom had me at the tail end of her 30′s and I’ve always known that I would lose my parents at a younger age than most people I know. I’ve also made peace that I will likely have a lot of care-giving of my parents as they age and their health declines.

It’s tough to know what to do and when to step in and that is exactly what I am struggling with tonight.

As y’all know, my mom had major surgery the day that I left to go to Nashville to speak at a blogging conference

When I called to check in they said that she had a rough go of it when she came out of surgery but that the operation went well and that she was doing a lot better than expected.

That seems to have changed.

She looks awful, she sounds awful and heavily drugged and today my dad called very upset and concerned at the amount of pain killers she is on and other things that are going on regarding her care and progress. She could barely carry on a conversation with me and while I know she is in a lot of pain, it’s been a week since her surgery and I wasn’t expecting that level of incoherant conversation at this point. Also, she has been moved to the long-term care unit at the hospital. Apparently, her doctors NEVER sees her, only gets reports from the nurses. This is apparently the norm on this floor. And I have a problem with it. And I have to keep wondering if they are truly looking at her like a rehabilitation case or simply someone who is old. My mother was ACTIVE. She has worked hard every day of her life until this problem. It seems like there is no therapy going on at all other than helping her to the bathroom. And then my father told me that her shoulder was killing her and she asked the therapist if he could help her work it, move it or rub it to lessen the pain.

His response?

“No. You need to learn to do these things yourself.”

Finally, a nurse came in hours later to help her because it was hurting her so much.

I was pissed.

MIGHTILY PISSED.

I wanted to throat punch that therapist.

I went back and forth on the phone with my sister and we both agreed to go meet with them tomorrow to talk (respectfully) with her nurses and Physical Therapists.

Then I got another phone call from my father.

He told my mother when he visited tonight that we were concerned about her care and wanted to address it with the physical therapist and she wigged.

My mother doesn’t want anyone to say anything.

And because my mother doesn’t want anyone to say anything my father now doesn’t want anyone to say anything.

My mother says her nurses are amazing (which I believe) and that her therapist was likely just having a bad day. While I can also believe this, I still feel very not great about saying nothing about the concerns that I have as her daughter.

I realize that my concerns are not huge, life-threatening, or vital. But it has got me thinking about the future and other situations I will find myself in some day. And what to and not do regarding my parents and what is best.

For now, I am abiding by their wishes because at the end of the day, they are my parents and not children.

They can decide these things for themselves.

But I still feel helpless and crappy saying nothing.