My friend is moving away.
I was going to sit down and write this fun, light-hearted post, but I am afraid that I have been in serious denial that my bff is about to get in a moving van and go all the freaking way to Texas.
And it has finally caught up with me today.
And. it. blows. big. hairy. donkey. balls. (I had to put that illustrative bit of awesome in JUST FOR HER.)
I do have friends here, good, cherished and loved friends, but man, I live in a small place. It’s not the easiest thing to find someone that has walked the walk of losing a child, ‘gets’ blogging, AND knows all my weird and horrible, no good, very bad bleck!…and still likes me anyway.
And she LIVES HERE.
And Internet friend that gets all of the above, like me not even having to explain anything regarding the child I lost because she just knows already (which is PRICELESS), that I could actually DO THINGS WITH, FACE-TO-FACE, REGULARLY. I guess you’d have to have the majority of your friends live in a box on your desk to get how much this means.
We have had an awful lot of fun together–going to (and knitting at) (HER, NOT me) movies, lunches, hanging out at houses, watching our kids play, picking up the phone to hear things like, “Hey, I actually took a page out of the “Loralee playbook”…don’t worry, it’s a GOOD thing!”, and her telling me that if she had a super power it would be to be elastic. “You know, so I can drive and nurse at the same time!” (Did I mention the woman has been nursing for, oh, the last 8 years or so?)
Plus, she fits my sense of weird.
This really says it all. (I can’t take her anywhere.)
When I was younger, I would hear lines in movies about people being afraid of opening up or extending or having friends because it meant they could be hurt.
I honestly marveled at that.
I didn’t get it. Even though I suffered my fair share of hurt, I was never scared of the prospect of it. It didn’t occur to me to be afraid, I just jumped in, with both feet. (I also thought that things like friends moving away didn’t phase adults. LIES!)
I get it now.
I get why people are afraid to make friends with people.
Because losing them, or having it blow up, or end badly, suuuucks.
It makes even the most outgoing, gregarious, people-loving people gun shy.
And I think I’m there at this point.
I feel things deeply. Always have, unfortunately, probably always will. I have always been a very emotional creature. (SHOCKING, IS IT NOT?!) Such a ‘heart on my sleeve’ person, but honestly… right now, looking over my life and this past year, I don’t think it has served me all that well.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, I hate change. Even though I know it’s inevitable.
I’ve had so much change this year.
For the good and the not so good.
Right now, I need that to stop.
It’s really upheaved me emotionally and I don’t think I can take much more of it. (The roller coaster ride of it all is certainly not making a lot of my other relationships easier, ya know?)
Or losing anymore people.
SO, IT WOULD BE SUPER GROOVY IF MY FRIEND WOULD JUST MAGICALLY BE ABLE TO STAY IN THE VALLEY, YOU KNOW???
I’m not really sure what I’m going to do without her.
It’s not like we’re breaking up.
It’s not like there is bad feeling.
It’s not like we aren’t in the same internet/bloggity/conference circles and that I have no hope of seeing her again.
But things will be different.
Because that is just how life IS, dammit.
(Right now? Life can just go suck a freaking DUCK, people. The big butthead.)
I seriously don’t even have a negative memory with Kim (except this whole SHE IS LEAVING ME thing), so I KNOW I will have nothing but smiles, fondness, laughter, good feelings, well wishes and yes, above all things, I am THRILLED and so thankful and happy and grateful that her family is being taken care of and that her husband has a great job and they are moving to a great place.
ALL of that is true and certain and it will come to be how I feel about the whole thing.
But right now?
I am going to play this on youtube eleventyhundred times because I am cheesy and THIS IS HOW I MOURN, PEOPLE. (Dude, I don’t even want to get into the great “When She Loved Me’” SOB fest of ’99 when my college roommate, Amy, moved away.)
I can remember all the good things and be happy and grateful LATER.
Right now I am just going to go cry big, fat tears and feel crappy.
Because I’m really sad.
She’s going away, and frankly, that deserves some tears because our friendship means a lot to me.
AND IRONICALLY, I COULD REALLY USE A FRIEND RIGHT NOW.
I can’t see the screen anymore, so I will stop the torture for you all and turn my attention to meh bestie: Thanks for marshmallows, and baby slings, and Indian food, and sushi and endless phone conversations over dishes, and helping me when I’ve been sick, and talking to random friends, and “Yeah. YEAH!”, and that one time you got me to go the gym, and sewing eleventyhundred table cloths, and gluten-free coconut cupcakes, and just loving a very flawed person, Kim.
I love ya.
I will miss you so.
Somehow I know, we’ll meet again.
Not sure quite where and I don’t know just when.
You’re in my heart so until then…
It’s time for saying goodbye.