I broke my tooth on Sunday eating, wait for it…RICE. I spent a good deal of time in the ER. (I know, right?!) (Stupidest reason EVER and yet, so very necessary.) I had to have urgent dental work done on Monday and spent it and part of today recovering, so my apologies that I am a bit behind.
Bear with me if I show you a few of the Christmases my family has had? I tried to pick a memorable photo from each year since I’ve been blogging.
2010
(Yeah, yeah…but it was the best we could manage. Butterlump is entranced by the light on the camera timer.)
2009
(Holy clash of pattern, Batman!)
2008
(Memorable because I was pregnant, puking my guts out and ill and this is one of the very few photos I have of the day.)
2007
(Gosh, my kids have grown so much in 3 years.)
2006
(See below*)
2005
(Truly, one of the great photos of all time.)
*I didn’t have any family photos posted in 2006. After I read this, I remembered why and I thought it was worth mentioning. Like I said in the original post, “it is one of the most lovely and bittersweet Christmas moments I have ever had and I needed to write it down before time dims the recollection, although I am not sure it could.”
My great-niece, Fiona, is visiting from England. She is two months old and is so very cute. She also reminds me very much of Matthew, my Little Bug. I have been missing him pretty acutely this season.
It isn’t the gut-wrenching sense of loss I have had at times. I am very happy with my life and family right now. Everything is going better than it has in a long, long time. Still, I miss my boy. Especially at Christmas. He never got to see even one and that hurts me a lot. Christmas focuses on the baby Jesus and the miracle of his birth. Matthew will always be a baby to me, so I think of him often during the holidays. I have also seen all the versions of A Christmas Carol this season, and I have cried at each of the scenes involving Bob Cratchet and Tiny Tim. I am sure it contributed to missing my little one.
In addition to my film nostalgia, my brother-in-law got married on December 23rd and all the family came up for the wedding. It was wonderful to see everyone, especially one of Jonathan’s cousins and his wife. We were pregnant at the same time and our boys were born within a week of each other. We had such fun at family gatherings talking about baby stories and sharing tips and comfort with one another.
When we were all seated for the wedding dinner, I looked over at where they were seated and saw their little boy who would be just Matthew’s age. I watched him playing around in his seat and being helped by his mother and wondered how big my boy would be and if they would have been playing together at the dinner if Bug had lived.
I sat at the table and a wave of intense sadness washed over me. I missed my boy. I thought how I miss his chubby hands, his soft cheek and kissing him on the bridge of his nose. I miss munching on his tummy and watching him splash in the tub. I miss watching him munch on a pacifier and all the sounds he made.
Just then I looked down at my plate. There was one solitary lady bug crawling on it.
A lady bug.
In December.
Jonathan saw it, too. We looked at each other and both our eyes welled up for a moment. We let the tiny creature crawl on our hands and fingers for a moment and let our boys see it before carefully putting it in a warm section of the room out of harms way.
Watching that small, colorful bug crawling happily on the white tablecloth lifted my spirit immeasurably. It was like someone took my heart and soul and gave it a warm bath and a hug all at the same time. To think such comfort could come from such a tiny, tiny thing?
Some may say that it was coincidence and that though it is very rare to see a lady bug this late in the winter, it isn’t impossible. I say that it was a very needed gift from a very special boy who knew his momma missed him at Christmas. I’ll always be grateful-coincidence, or no.
I’ll never forget it.
God bless us, every one.
I truly hope that you had a lovely holiday and if it was difficult, or painful as the holidays are often wont to be, that you found some comfort in it, even if it was tiny and small.
xo,
Loralee
There are no coincidences.
2010 Everyone smiling – but Butterlump just looks astonished, like, wow – what IS that?
2009 Brothers. I suspect a good bit of sibling brotherly rivalry will be going for years – Butterlump will be exempt for many of them – but eventually it’ll get him too. I know this – I have three brothers.
And 2008 – the matching pj’s – I bet that was their mother’s idea. No?
2007 everyone looks quite angelic.
2006 I am silenced, I can’t even imagine, only a mom could, and that “coincidence”? It sounds like a heaven sent “coincidence”.
2005 Is that a Cossack? or a Shaft wig?
I heart reading your words.
Merry Christmas to you and yours Loralee.
So beautiful and so touching. Sometimes, it’s the little things we see that are the big things… ;)
I absolutely believe that the ladybug was there for you, from him. So very sweet. XOXOX, my friend.
you are truly one of the strongest women i know, loralee. i hope to one day be as strong a woman as you are. you face each day with a positive outlook and work through your trials and tribulations like nobody else i know, with the exception of my mother. you are both wonderful women and i’m proud to say i know both of you. the longer i know you, the more i learn. you’ve a big personality and an even bigger heart that is limitless in it’s capacity to love and care for others.
i hope the rest of 2010 and all of 2011 contains much joy and success for whatever you endeavor. you deserve all the happiness in the world.
merry christmas and happy new year to you and your entire family. tummy kisses especially to butterlump who is growing up so fast.
Yes, the lady bug, surely a sign of peace from your own little Bug. I loved that post. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas with your beautiful family!
ER for a tooth? do they have dentists on call now?
Hope your new year is full of bright thoughts and fun days.
The nerve was exposed and it was a holiday Sunday…so, no choice to stop the searing head pain but some hefty pain killers at the ER.
I love your ladybug stories. They always make me well up with tears too. I love when heaven meets earth for a moment in time and for VERY good reasons. XOXO
That was beautiful. I’m sitting at my desk at work crying. I normally don’t like ladybugs (since the ladybug invasion one summer in my college apartment…they weren’t too cute after that) but now I will never look at one the same again. Thank you so much for sharing and my thoughts are with you.
I’m so glad Bug made himself present to you at that very moment when you needed him most.
Hugs.
I absolutely do not believe that ladybug was a coincidence.
Hope your tooth is feeling better.
…and some say there are no coincidences!
Amazing. When I was in my grief group, I heard many stories like that. I hope one day when I really need it, I’ll get a small gift from Heaven like you just did.