“I don’t think I can do this. I’m not sure I can homeschool.”

Yeah.

That’s me, and I said it today.

I said it today after I yelled at my children to GO THE FREAK TO BED ALREADY in the ”I HAVE LOST IT” tone that I only pull out on really special occasions. (For the record, a tween and teen bickering over the merits of Justin Beiber when I am stressed about meeting a couple of deadlines, exhausted and just done is totally a special occasion. Just so you know.)

I feel really overwhelmed right now.

Maybe it’s because it’s just been a really crappy week chock full of clashes and stress and stupid arguments, pettiness and hurt feelings that continue to cast a blue gloom over my heart. It’s left me worried and feeling blah, insignificant and down.

Maybe it’s because that my face really hurts. I got it lasered off. Ok, not really…I had a “Erbium laser resurfacing treatment” given to me as a birthday gift and it’s been a bit more of a recovery than I was planning on. (Totally my choice to do, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting like a wench.) (Also, I look super sexy. For reals. The people at the wedding I am singing at on Friday are going to be ENCHANTED WITH MY LOVELINESS.)

Maybe it’s because since we took one of the rooms in the house for Christopher’s school room I seem to be struggling even harder than normal to keep my house clean and organized and together. (Have I mentioned that my house is tiny? It is. 1,100 ft  for 5 people, 1 bathroom and no garage. Oy.)

Or maybe it’s because I am not at all sure my marriage, important friendships and familial relations are going to withstand another election with the large difference of political opinions I have with most of the people I dearly love and the clashes it brings. (I can’t even talk about it. Moving on.)

Dunno.

I just know that today, I was on the verge of tears all day. Even going to choir rehearsal did little to improve my mood and feelings of inadequacy. I felt so tired, frustrated and done that I told my husband I didn’t think I could handle the additional stress/scheduling headaches/responsibility that homeschooling Christopher has brought with it. I have LOVED certain aspects of homeschooling, don’t get me wrong. It has meant so much more time with a kid that has needed me. I have loved learning along with him and enjoy when we do subjects I am passionate about. We have has some beautiful, wonderful moments.

He’s craved more time and attention from me and now he has it.

Sort of.

I don’t know why, but many days this week I have just resented the fact that he is at home and I am the one responsible for something as important as his education. And I HATE that feeling. Hate, hate, HATE it. And yet, it is there. I don’t resent my son but I resent the sheer pressure of it all and then I kick myself in the heiny because I am the one that took the pressure on willingly.

If I was doing what I feel is a great job I would welcome the pressure. I have lots of pressure in my life but it often makes me do better, work harder, achieve more.

This is a different kind of pressure. The kind of pressure that makes me have ulcers that I am ruining his education and stress if he is going to end up being homeless and singing on the steps of some cathedral to sell bags of birdseed to fee pigeons in the park because of me. Or worse, being habitually unemployed, living in my basement at 33, and inviting his fellow jobless friends over to play D&D and guzzle Mt. Dew and Funyons instead of being productive in a job he loves and giving me grandbabies.

I just have so much going on it’s tough to focus and feel like I can get everything done and give it the attention and care it deserves. I feel like everyone is only getting about a third of the attention that they need and that I could run and run and do and do and it would never be caught up, enough or good enough. (Keep in mind that I am of the easier going type, so MY ‘run and run’ and ‘do and do’ would get its heiny whipped by the productive, type A’s of the world.)

It seems to take us FOREVER to get started in the morning. (I? Am not a morning person. Ugh.) and then I fight to get the things done we figure out for the day. I was told to aim for 80% of accomplishment for your day. This week we have MAYBE been hitting 50%. And that is being generous.

YAY!

And I miss my little baby.

I know that sounds weird…he’s right here with me.

But a lot of my focus is divirted when I am with him now. It used to just be a lot of “US’ time and now we have to share that with a sixth-grader and his math curriculum. It’s tough on me because Aaron is already 18-months-old (WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN!?), he is likely my last baby and I WANT this time with him so much. It’s not that I don’t love spending time with Christopher but spending time figuring out fractions or struggling to supervise piano practicing is not quite in the same league for me.

Jonathan is not pitching in like he said he would (granted, the election has taken a lot of his time and created a lot of not-wonderful-for-a-marriage-issues) though he is usually quite helpful around the house, and I find myself snotty, resentful and frustrated about it.

But in the end, it’s not Jonathan’s responsibility, it’s mine and I am hopeful that things will ease up and we can find a schedule and things that will help with that.

Hopefully.

Maybe.

Mainly my issues?

Are with ME.

I am SUCKING at schedules and putting things off and procrastinating. SO many of the things I have wanted to get done, do and experience with my son, I haven’t and a lot of that is due to ME and my own personal shortcomings. We’re keeping up on math but it seems like he should be doing so much more than he is getting done. I worry about giving him too much responsibility about helping with the baby because this week he has had a ton of it.

BUT, it’s also not like I’m doing and running and being productive constantly, I’m not.

That is where the intese pissed offedness at myself comes in.

Lots of the times I get so overwhelmed I curl up on my bed or spend an 2 hours playing “Angry Birds” (die pigs! DIE!) because I am immobilized the the never ending list of things I need to get done in front of me when I SHOULD be getting my stuff done.

Go, me.

Not.

I just don’t know how much of this is normal and ok or if it isn’t.

So, I don’t know.

I just don’t.

Maybe these are some of the “tough times” people who are awesome homeschoolers warned me about, or maybe I just REALLY SUCK AT THIS and should just realize it already.

(Seriously, should someone who put “awesome” and “suck” in one sentence even be allowed to homeschool?)

I am not really sure what the answer is.

I am not REALLY sure I’m ready to throw in the towel, but let me tell you something I am UTTERLY SURE OF–if every week turns out to be like this week?

My homeschooling career will be dismally short.