Something has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.
It’s about Matthew.
My friend, Kim, lost her 8-month-old exactly one month to the day before Matthew died. (Same year and everything.) Around their house, her daughter, Emma, is a daily part of conversation between her and her kids and husband. They all mention her as easily and as often as the other family members still living.
That is not how it is at my house.
It’s not that we don’t love Matthew as much as Kim and her family loves Emma, we do.
So much.
We just…don’t talk about him a lot.
I’m not sure why it is.
We don’t really do anything regarding him a lot. Visits to the cemetery are rarer are rarer, it seems. I used to change his decorations every season and holiday. And when that didn’t happen we ALWAYS went Memorial Day and his anniversary. We didn’t even make it there for his anniversary this year. (Which hurts my heart to type.)
While we may not make it to where he is buried for everything, we DO talk about and remember him on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death and we ALWAYS remember him at Thanksgiving and especially Christmas. And weirdly, it is often the time I feel the most emotional about him. I enjoy the holidays again, but man…is there ever raw heartache and tears during the Christmas season for me. It is always tinged with a melancholy and aching, much as I love it. I wonder if that will ever go away. In some ways I hope it doesn’t. If that makes any sense.
It can be good to talk about him but honestly it can also be very hard. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like we’ve all put our grief in a bag and it’s this sack of weights with Matthew’s name on it. We’ve built up enough muscle and fortitude to each carry that sack around with us individually, but sometimes when he is brought up it’s like everyone’s sacks are combined and it can just be too much to take. (You’d think I would be better at that after 7-years than I am.)
We DO talk about him, he is not a forbidden subject at all, but as far as talking about him daily and in casual conversation, no…we don’t.
We only have one photo on display of him, and it’s our family portrait. (We don’t really have a lot of family photos displayed. Our house is tiny and I own a lot of art. :) )
James and Christopher were 7 and 4 when he died, and they remember him.
Butterlump doesn’t.
It’s been worrying me lately.
How to teach Aaron about Matthew.
Some say it will happen naturally, but I am not convinced of this. Like I said…it’s rare we talk about him. I write about him much more often than I speak about him, and I don’t even really write about him that often. Many who know me, don’t even know I’ve had a child pass away.
I want Matthew to be important to Aaron. I’d love it if he loved him, but can you love someone you’ve never actually met? Especially when they only lived 108-short days?
Jonathan says he’s too young, at 18-months to even worry about it, but hello…this is ME we are talking about. It’s ridiculously important to me, but I feel ill-at-ease and inadequate about how to go about it. (And really, I could probably Google information about this but wading through pages and pages of web advice concerning the death of children makes me curl up in a ball.)
I’m not sure what I’m looking for with this post.
Advice?
Comfort?
Links to funny cat videos to make this place a little lighter?
I just want to feel better, so here I am, doing what I do best-writing out my stream of thought about a topic I’m having difficulty with.
Because like I said, this is ridiculously important to me.
But…
I just don’t know if I can bring myself to talk about him more than I already do.
Even for Aaron.
Which makes me feel awful.
:(
I’m so sorry about your darling boy Matthew.
I have a daughter who lived a short 46 hours, and a subsequent son who is 15 months old.
I take him out to her grave as often as I can. Life gets busy and he doesn’t particularly enjoy it, but I always try to make it out there to decorate her grave for the different seasons and holidays.
Another thing that I do is I have a picture of her printed out and put in a plastic frame that goes in his toy box. It’s “his” and I don’t freak out if he chews on it or throws it or whatever. I have several print outs and back ups of the picture, so that’s not an issue, and the frame is cheapish. I like the idea that they’re “playing” together. So as he gets older, he’ll just “know” who she is without there having to be a huge conversation.
I hope you find a solution that works for your family – I know it’s so important to keep our little ones’ memories alive.
xoxo
Maybe create a little- baby proofed photo album with pictures of the close, important people in your lives- including Matthew- and as you look at them with him, just tell him- this is your brother, Matthew- and he lives with Heavenly Father, and we love him and miss him terribly. He may not understand what in the world that means right now- but eventually, it will just be a given to him that he has another brother- he can’t play with him or meet him right now, but he is very special and loved!
In terms of Aaron growing to love Matthew- it may be a little trickier- it is hard (but not impossible at all!)to have close feelings for someone you have never met- but he can and will learn to appreciate that YOU and your husbandd love Matthew and understand how much he means to you.. and that, will be meaningful to him for sure. Hugs.
I was thinking of the same thing with the photo album. Babies love looking at photos of people they know and before too long, he’ll be saying everyone’s names when he sees the photos. And then he’ll be old enough for you to tell him more about beautiful little Matthew. And what a great big brother he has in heaven watching over him…his very own guardian angel!
I think its wonderful you have this platform to pour out your heart too. It seems to give you clarity and comfort and a place to sort your thoughts …
Love the picture idea, so that Matthew’s face and name become a normal part of Butterlump’s day and you know, I think maybe you will talk more of him when his face is ‘in your face’ so to speak.
Thinking of you xxx
I can almost hear the pain in your voice when you talk about not going to Mathew’s grave as often. This may be a sign that you and your family have successfully found less tangible ways to connect with him and no longer need to visit a ‘place’ to feel close to him. This is a good thing and nothing to feel guilty about, especially since Mathew isn’t there, he is in your hearts. I completely agree with a baby photo album of all your family members for Aaron. My youngest is just 2 months younger than your Butterlump, and he loves his photo album – it is cloth with clear vinyl pockets. It includes a picture of my Mom, whom he will never meet, but will come to know through stories. You may consider creating your own storybook about Mathew for Aaron. This way there would be natural opportunities to talk about him, but in a storybook form which would hopefully become less and less difficult for you emotionally to read. There are lots of websites for creating your own children’s book. I believe your love for Mathew will be contagious as Aaron grows up, and while it won’t be the same as his feelings for his other two brothers, it will be special and important. Hugs to you…
I can share with you what my parents did while raising me. I had a sister who lived approximately 12 hours before dying of a.myriad of problems. They waited until I was 10 years old, while planning the funeral of my uncle to casually mention that my sister was.buried in the same plot. I had questions, which they answered honestly and said they decided that it wasn’t important that I know because my mom was horribly affected by it & bringing it up made her cry.
I saw this the day my uncle was buried, ad they had to pull the tiny coffin out, so the adult coffin wouldn’t crush it. My mom went to pieces for about a week after. I think of my sister sometimes, what she might have been like; but then Life goes On. I think it’s Healthy for Butterlump to know he had a brother, but don’t keep pushing it on him-he’s Your Butterlump & needs to be Loved for himself, and not feel he’s somehow being compared to his brother. Unfortunately, the Pain of Loss belongs to You & You Alone.
P.S. I am not trying to be Cruel in saying that- I have a lot of respect for you & your family. I view it as the burden that we as adults must bear.
I was thinking about you on Memorial Day, and wondering how you all were.
I like the idea of an album of all your family, and also the idea of a laminated photo for Butterlump in his toys, so that he can see Matthew, and his natural curiosity will bring the conversations up.
I agree with Jonathan that he’s still a little young, but Margie’s idea of a photo album is how we introduced our daughters to my mom.
They know who Grandma Joyce is. They know what she looks like, and they know that she is in Heaven and can look down on them all the time. My 6 year old knows that she looks JUST like her, and the 4 year old knows that her spunkiness definitely came from her. Her picture is in their family album that’s we’ve had for years. Since we live far away, they have one that we keep so they know who everyone is when we go visit. I just hung up a photo of her in our house two days ago. It’s hard for me to look at, 18 years after she passed.
You don’t need to talk about him every day. And you don’t need to feel guilty about it. Some people can do that, and others don’t. I think you’re doing an amazing job whether you think so or not.
And? As Aaron gets older, just let him read the posts you’ve written about Matthew. Why try to come up with the “perfect” words again, when you’ve already found them?
I think it is possible to love someone you never met. My sister’s oldest son only lived 15 days. Her two sons and her daughter know and speak lovingly of their brother they never knew. It will come for Butterlump. It will.
I was raised by my grandmother (my parents were around, she was just my carer during the day) and almost every week I looked forward to going to the cemetery with her. She had a son that died when he was nine and there were pictures of him all over the house. She would tell me stories about his life as I grew and every week at least once we would go to the cemetery and I loved everything about it. The tram ride, the cleaning supplies (we would take buckets and things to clean the plot with), the candles we lit in church afterwards.
Obviously, a lot of those things might not be suitable for your commitments and your life. I think you just go with whatever is most natural. E.g. having a candle to light for Matthew. I did this with my son when we were talking about his grandparents who aren’t here anymore – we lit candles for them in our house (little tealights). My son at nearly 3 doesn’t really have a concept of death yet and I don’t want to introduce it to him too strongly because he is prone to becoming seized with terrible anxieties, but as he grows and his awareness grows so can the information I share with him.
My experience from working with families is that sometimes a subject can seem forbidden even when it is not, simply because no one feels like they can raise it first. (I am not saying AT ALL that is what is happening in your house, only that disparity of perception can occur around that which is not talked about; I remember a boy who said that he did not ask his mother about his father because whenever he did he saw her face tighten). I don’t think there is one way to talk or not talk about a sibling who died, but it works best when it fits around your personality and beliefs.
Aaaron will make his own relationship with Matthew as he grows – he may love him, or he may not be inteested. Both are okay. I have a younger half-brother who was 2.5 when our father died (I was 8) and in his early adolescence he asked lots of questions about it and I guess it settled in his mind whatever curiosities or thoughts he had because we didn’t really talk about it afterwards. (I mean, if I bring it up he follows along but doesn’t really expand at length on the subject. This may change or it may not- both are okay. we had different relationships with our father, and we have different personalities).
Anyway. I feel for you because to me the missing and absent are as real as the ones who are still here and I always feel terribly terribly hurt by the thought of the memory of them, their stories and faces and names becoming erased from the world.
Loralee, I have no advice, just oh, so many virtual hugs…
I ponder this often with our 6 year old who will never know his brother who would be 7.5 now. He lived 24 days and we talk about him all the time. He knows where he’s buried, though he calls all cemeteries “Charlies”. He knows there was a brother, but how do you get them to understand? I don’t know. I think it comes with time and with what they can understand. I think once they’re exposed to someone they know who dies, that it will be easier. Henry hasn’t been around anyone who has died so he can’t put two and two together. I wish there was a handbook for us. But there are hugs…
The baby I lost, we hadn’t met yet. So I have no advice. so here:
No advice…just hugs.
Start small babe. Show him the picture of Matthew. You know how much he loves babies right now, get him his own picture of Matthew to tote around. Tell him “this is Matthew, he’s your big brother”. Leave it at that.
When you go to the cemetery, tell him this is where Matthew is. Very simple.
As he gets older and wants to know more, you will handle it as it comes. He will want to know who the baby is in the family picture on the wall, you will explain.
I know it is hard. Since Emma was our oldest, it was different. You are lucky that the big boys remember him and can tell Aaron about him. But at the same time, it is more difficult because like you said, there is more grief there.
I know that no matter what, it is hard and it hurts and it is just.not.fair.
I will walk you through this babe. It is just another one of those really hard parts of healing.
xoxo
I have no experience, no real world advice.
I can send you prayers and love for knowledge and peace on dealing with this.
I would think that showing him pictures, telling him stories, don’t force it.. make it natural.
I hope and pray that you find some answers from some of your amazing readers and friends.
Love to you xo
I don’t have lots of great advice. I do like the idea of the photo album. I made one, very simple, for my daughter when she was about 18 months old because most of our family was far away at the time. We would just look at it like a storybook. It doesn’t have to be fancy – I used a dollar store 36-page album, one photo per page, you know? and just slipped copies of photos in, not originals, obviously. Both my kids still like looking at it now, several years later (I’ve updated it a little).
Pretty easy to do… but I know you don’t do Teh Crafts :). If you decide that’s something you want, you could email me the pics you want included and I’ll make something up for you. Just an offer.
Sending you hugs.
Loralee,
I have no basis for this advice except for your previous posts, but….
You’ll have to wait until he gets a bit older for this, but I suggest you tell Aaron what you’ve told us- what a miracle HE is and how he has helped your family to heal so much. This would open up dialogue and you can let him ask questions and just go with it. I think it would help him form a connection with his brother.
I say this because my mom had several miscarriages and then a still birth before she had me and my sister. She has always told us how much our presence has helped with that pain. I’m in no way comparing that to your loss, or saying that Aaroon has made everything “okay”, but I know he has helped you and I think that would be a great way to introduce him to his brother. Hope this helps!
First of all, don’t feel guilty about not visiting his grave. He isn’t there anyway, you KNOW that.
A great idea I read once was to make a little story book about him. Write a little story about his life and what you loved about him, the cute little things he did, complete with pictures. You can read it to your little one and he can look at it always. This will help him to have the same “memories” that you all have, and he will feel like he knew his big brother better. It will also be a cherished keepsake always!
FIrst, can’t imagine what your heart goes through each moment. Hugs and fluffs of comfort to you. Grief is one of those things no one can tell you “how” to do.
Secondly, I heard you sort of wishing that you were able to bring Matthew up in a casual, every day way. I wonder if maybe all of the extras that went with Matthew’s death has made the men in your life wait for your lead?
What if you just brought up a “remember when” with your big boys? Eventually Butterlump can be a part of the “remember when” conversations. It’s gentle. It’s remembering the good times. It will naturally bring about the where’s and the why’s. And maybe he won’t ever know the sadness in him, but he’ll learn the compassion for what his family has been through.
Our littlest was very little when our oldest’s best friend killed herself. I won’t let our littlest give away the gifts that the best friend gave to her. I’ve explained who she was to us and that she died. I haven’t discussed the whole suicide bit yet. Our littlest is 8 now. She started asking when she was about 5. I’m guessing at some point I’ll have to tell her the real story, but that will be much later. After she asked and we told her, she seemed satisfied and respected our wishes, but she had no connection to the items that were given to her when she was tiny. I know that they are being saved more for me than for her.
We do what we can do. This parenting thing has such a steep learning curve!
{{hugs}}
My suggestion is based off what my friends parents did. They lost a her brother long before her to SIDS. They created a book “The Story of Joseph” I believe it was called. In it was basically all the good memories. “You had an amazing brother named Joseph. His birthday is Oct 4th…” ect. They covered how when he giggled it made everyone else smile, his beautiful curly black hair, and lots of pictures. They had it created into a kid friendly book with a friends art in addition to the pictures. Then, her mom just read it to her. She grew up knowing there was an older brother and all the things about him.
Her mom answered questions as they came up.
Did she grow to love him? I don’t know, but she spoke of him affectionately. You’d never have known she’d never met him.
As for Joseph’s passing, in the book they termed it to the effect of “One day he laid down for nap and God needed his smile, so he came and took him home.” I don’t know how fitting that is for your beliefs but that’s what they did.
I hope this helps, on some level.
Much love and hugs.
My daughter LOVES looking at babies. So I second, third, fourth the recommendation of baby pictures in a childproof book. She’s constantly looking at all of my baby pictures and baby pictures of her older brother.
I can offer no advice, except that approach it in a way that works best for you, but try not to stress. As he gets older, he’ll understand, even if he won’t know how to love him like you do, he’ll know that Matthew is an important part of your life. I know it’s easier said than done the stressing, because dude, I am a MAJOR stressor. I stress over things that make no sense.
Right now, just show him pictures and say “Matthew.” He’ll pick up who is in the pictures more quickly than you think. They’re so stinkin’ smart at this age. It astounds me what they know.
The idea of the picture book/photo album is exactly what I’d recommend. The Girl was 18 months old when MacGyver (my husband/her daddy) went to Warrant Officer school for many weeks. We found a soft, squishy plastic photo album that I could slide some pictures into for her and she carried that thing around with her everywhere. We not only included pictures of Daddy but pictures of other family members that we rarely (if ever) see.
When MacGyver deployed last time, The Boy was barely 3. We did the same thing. I was so worried that The Boy would forget his daddy but that little photo album helped immensely.
It’s not perfect and Aaron will never know and love Matthew like the rest of you do. But he can come to know and love him in his own way that works for your family.
I don’t have any advice for you. My sister lost Claire at 3 years, 3 weeks. Then 18 months later she had Marie. I know Marie knows who Claire is but I don’t think they talked about her very much. I think that life just kinda happened and got busy and rather than relive the pain, my sister preferred to focus on what was good. Not that Claire was forgotten, but I think that by not forcing herself to be sad about Claire gave her the freedom to be happy about her other 3 kids. Over time, I think because she let go of that sadness, she later felt okay to revisit the memories of Claire and it wasn’t so sad, so heavy anymore.
And, here’s a fun video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqZcYPEszN8
(Am I the last person on this planet to find out about these guys??? They are HILARIOUS!!!)
I wish I had some brilliant advice that would make this easy and all make sense. Of course, I don’t. I just want you to know that I think of you often and would hug you for half an hour straight if I could.
*hugs*
I don’t have any personal experience to offer other than my memories of being a very curious child whose grandfather died when she was less than 2 years old. As soon as I was aware and able to ask questions, I did. A lot. I wanted to see every picture and hear every story. I believe that Aaron will ask you to tell him these things when he is ready. All you have to do is keep that portrait out and talk about Matthew from time to time. Aaron will probably do the rest.
If I remember correctly, a long time ago we had a conversation about telling our kids stories about themselves and each other, and how much they love that. A great way to talk to about Matthew is if you are sure to include stories of him in the mix. Start each story the same, then let Aaron (or your older boys, they’re not past this yet) figure out which of your boys the story is about. “Once upon a time there was a little boy, and he…”
Where routines tend to be a little less important in your house, I think verbal traditions are an easy, practical, and super important way to tie your family together.
I think I cannot add to what so many have said. I think just having pictures around will bring Aaron to ask questions about him eventually. If you make a photo album, ask your family and friends, there may be photos that you don’t know about. I know you have mentioned that you don’t have tons of photographs, maybe they have some that they didn’t realize they had, or didn’t want to upset you by giving them to you. You might find and unexpected treasure, and have more pictures to put in that story book or album.
Love and prayers to you, this is a tough one. I know it’s hard to talk about, but maybe you could start telling him “Bug” stories now when you are quiet and alone. Maybe about his first giggle, or his first bath. Maybe little stories about how the big brothers would make him smile, the way they try to make your Butterlump smile.
If you send me baby pictures of all your boys, I could have my husband do a pencil drawing of the four of them. Maybe a picture of each of them at the same age? You could hang it somewhere that Aaron could see it – the four of them all together in one spot. He’s bound to ask you who the babies are. Just an idea –
Blessings to you! Megan
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been wondering about a similar situation lately. My kids are 4 and 1 and my mom died 25 years ago. They don’t know that their Grandma is really my stepmother. It is still very hard for me to talk about my mom sometimes (does it ever get easier?). I want them to know the truth, to know about her, but I don’t know how to do that.
Hugs. I love the idea others suggested as a memory book.
I have a question. When someone asks you how many children you have, what is your answer?
Would it be too hard on you to create a photo book with pictures of everyone (parents, grandparents, siblings.) Including a picture of Matthew. Spend time pointing to the pictures and telling him everyone’s names. That way, when he’s old enough to discuss this with him, the name won’t be foreign to him. I don’t know if it would be too hard to see his face during story time, though. I just think introducing him in small ways might help Aaron to someday ask about him, or for you to tell him his story.
I am a little sister of a lost baby. My big sister Piper died just 9 days after her birth and it was and is the most traumatic thing that ever happened to my mother. Piper would have been 3 years older than me and my parents took every precaution to NOT have anymore children after her death, but alas I was had (and loved of course). My mother me about Piper from an early age, and I was told that I had an angel sister, which I loved. We didn’t talk about her a ton, we don’t, but on the anniversary of her death, and her birth, we do, and we talk about what we hoped for her and what we hope she thinks of us down here. Tell Aaron about Matthew when you are ready, tell him the story, tell him he is his angel brother and loved by all of you just as much as if he were there. I used to talk to Piper as a kid, i’d almost pray to her in a way, like I would have talked to my sister if she were lying next to me in bed.
I didn’t read the other comments, because I have add and will forget what I want to say. Sorry.
My mom’s older sister died of SIDS. My mom is the youngest of 9. And my aunt was the second born. All of the kids know about her. We all wonder about how she is, ya know, in heaven.
With all that said I guess I agree with your husband. Eventually the time will come and questions will be asked and information given. And Aaron will know about Matthew and love and miss him. Someone he never met. Because that’s how it is, and how you’ll foster the relationship between them, because you want there to be one. Not to mention he’ll learn about Matthew from his older brothers.
At least that’s my opinion.
Hugs to you. Lots of them.
You say that you write about Matthew more than you speak about him. Collect those stories and keep them for when the Butterlump is old enough to hear them. Read them to him, let him get to know Matthew as he grows up.
You all will find a way to make sure that the Butterlump knows his big brother. And I’m sure Matthew’s spirit will help.
I know nothing of the pain of losing a child, but I have seen a family go through it. I babysit for one of my high school teachers (have since I was 14 and I’m mid 20s now), and when I was 17, he lost his 5 year old son and 3 year old daughter to a car accident. They also had a son who wasn’t quite 1 at the time (not in the car) and have since had another boy.
They also wrestled with the question of how to introduce their children to their siblings and what to say and what not to say. They had pictures of their children up in the house and decided not to take them down, and once the kids were old enough to ask about the pictures, they explained. I know it wasn’t easy for them though, but they just naturally let it happen, rather than trying to force the story on a child who can’t understand.
This all said, I saw how hard it was on them to get through all of this and I am sending good vibes and a boatload of hugs your way. Its not easy.
My heart breaks for you when I read your post about Matthew and I’m so sorry that this is something you have to go through.
Having said that, for me, my blog is the less neglected baby book for my son. One day I want to be able to show him some of the things I worry about and some of the things I did well etc when he was a baby. And I think that right now Aaron is far to young to have to be worrying about this. But maybe you can go back and print out all the post that you wrote about Matthew and put it into a book or something along with pictures for Aaron & any of your other kids to read when they get older so they can full understand everything.
Until then I think that you should just let it be something that just happens. When the time is right to tell him you’ll know and you’ll know what to say. Mother intuition is great for that.
::Sending you big hugs!::
I’m not sure what advice I can offer as I cannot even imagine the oscillation between grief and joy you face daily.
Aaron will know Matthew in a way that only he can understand – Matthew will always be a presence in Aaron’s life as a reminder to appreciate every day of life that we are blessed with. In turn, Aaron will be the child that reminds us that hope and love returns to even the darkest of places.
I send love and hugs and patience.
I have two brothers, twins, one only lived about 24 hours. They were born and one died 4 years before I was born. I honestly can’t remember when I found out that I had a second brother. We don’t speak of him very often in my recollection, but on the chance we were able to make it to the cemetery where he was buried on Memorial Days (about 100 miles away) we’d go, but definitely not every year. I remember asking mom questions about him, about how she felt about it and everything, and she was always very straight forward with me and never held anything back. She desperately misses him as does my father.
I think the dominate religion in the area you and I live in helped me love him quite easily. I really don’t know how doctrinally true this is, but I learned that children that die young are especially good spirits that didn’t need to pass through the test that is this life. So when my other older brother would beat me up or pick on me, I always imagined that were my deceased older brother still alive, he would have saved me as good as he is. I’ve also used him as a conscience, watching over me, being disappointed in my bad decisions. Honestly, that thought definitely helped me avoid some doozies.
Family is family, alive or dead I think they bless our lives. I really don’t think his memory needs to be a big secret to be revealed at the right time nor do I think it is something that needs to be forced fed on his younger brother. Keep doing what you are doing. Speak of him when you want to, visit his grave periodically and take the little one with you. As perceptive as kids are, he’ll figure it out. He’ll ask questions when he wants to know more and you just have to answer them. He’ll develop a relationship with his brother as long as you have one.
no advice, just answer to the question ” can you love someone you never met? ” which is “of course you can ” :)
~C
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