Sunday was my birthday.
I turned 36.
I wasn’t the only one to turn 36 that day.
She did, too.
She’s my identical twin sister.
She’s been around as long as I can remember.
And, obviously, much before that.
We don’t talk.
Ever.
For reasons too private and painful to get into here, we have always had a very difficult relationship.
Very.
Though we did have ‘a language’, we have never been the best friends that society pressured us to be.
It can be tough being an identical twin.
The unintended pressure from society is huge.
You’re thought of as a unit that should dress alike, look alike, think alike, be alike, and be rooted magically in each other’s psyche and soul because you share DNA and parked in the same womb-space for 9 months.
You’re not an individual to most people.
And if you chafe against that expectation or don’t fit it, it can get rough.
It doesn’t help when you get birthday gifts like a Hello Kitty notebook with the declaration that, “it’s for both of you”.
Whee.
But those are things that are small and trivial.
Our issues are neither small, nor trivial.
It’s like a never-ending competition that I’m not even participating in and certainly didn’t sign up for.
We have struggled with our relationship as long as I can remember.
Then my son, Matthew, died.
Between things that happened during that time and our past, it pretty much broke our already-fragile-relationship into so many pieces they really can not ever be put back together again.
Even if it all the stuff over the years could be mended, I’m not sure either of us would even want a relationship at this point.
Still…
36 years.
On Sunday I thought of her.
I thought about us.
I sat staring at my phone.
Wondering.
Vacillating.
Torn.
I didn’t pick it up to dial.
Neither did she.
I’m so sorry. That must be incredibly hard sometimes. No matter the circumstances that tore you both apart, you will always be connected. I hope you find a way to build a bridge someday.
It’s hard to know what to say- so all I’ll say is I hope whatever is best for both of you, happens! Sending support in a tough time.
I am sorry you are hurting – no matter what the future holds or if you find peace with this situation , I am sorry you are in it at all.
Wow. I’m so sorry. I’ve always thought, “We can’t pick our family, so we better pick good friends.” But I never thought that would be a valid statement for twins. Your reasons for not speaking must be very good, yet I can only imagine it’s incredibly painful for you. I hope your bday was so happy and that you have many more wonderful, joyous ones in the future.
I am so sorry. Family rifts are incredibly painful yet so common. My father is going through one with his brother right now that is really horrifying and sadly, already past the point of no return. In addition, my cousin hasn’t spoken to me for going on five years for reasons I can’t really explain. I can’t even imagine what that must feel like to go through with a twin sister. I have no advice. Only you know if you are comfortable reaching out to her.
we have always been aware of our identical girls need for their own individualities. even still, they created their own world, where 8 years in, it’s still tough to get in. I think we, as their parents, do what we can to foster their twinship and their individual selves as best we can and hope for the best. parenting twins comes with many unforeseen challenges, but not liking each other never crosses my mind.
I’m so sorry you are hurting. I wish I could do something to heal this piece of your heart.
I know your pain. I have this relationship w/my mother. I’ve all ready thought about the upcoming holidays & will this be “the year”.
Thank you for sharing your story. The line about staring at your phone hit home, been there, done that.
I was an only child til I was 12 and always wanted a sister, especially a twin sister. You just assume you would be the very best of friends, forever and ever …
Wrote a blog about Jamie lee Curtis being my twin today and thought it funny when I saw your ‘twin tweet’. But its not funny and I’m sorry you are sad …
Sorry to hear this. Like others above I don’t really know what to say. Family rifts are the saddest. My brother doesn’t really talk to my dad ever which really sucks.
This put a lump in my throat. I was very close to an identical twin growing up, and realize now how fortunate she was to be able to dress as she pleased, have different hobbies, run with different friends.
Family rifts hurt. And they can last for a long time. I hope that someday your pain is mended, even if the relationship isn’t.
I am so sorry. For the loss of your son and the loss of your sister. I don’t speak to my “father” so I know a bit about wanting a relationship that will just never exist. Sending love your way.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son, and the lost relationship with your sister. I hope that one day you two will be at peace with each other.
That’s heartbreaking. Do you hear about her from your parents?
I am digging that picture of the two of you in your Batgirl Underoos, though!
This makes me SO SAD! For both of you!
My younger sister and I never got along growing up but have grown to be such great friends. I am sure our circumstances are soooo different, but my heart aches that you don’t have that with your sister. I hope most days it’s okay…I’m sure your birthday is very bittersweet. Family strain is THE WORST. The same sister I spoke of above spent years not talking much to anyone in our family. There was such a huge weight on my heart during those years. Now she’s back and I thank God that she’s still the same girl I used to know. Hoping for peace & healing for you, Loralee. Hugs to you and your sister…wherever she may be.
My sister and I don’t speak – haven’t for years. Didn’t know I had a sister? Not many in the blogosphere do – as a matter of fact, you may be the only one who does, now. Let’s just keep it between us, ‘K?
Meanwhile, I can understand a little of your … ambivalence. On the one hand, there is the feeling that you’re SUPPOSED to be closer – to love and care and share. On the other hand, there is the history and the unchanging person that she is – and always was.
And you like yourself better without her than you do with.
I don’t understand the pressure for siblings- twins or not- to be friends. Obviously, there’s a reason you aren’t close. That’s between the two of you. I say it’s ok for you to not be friends- not that you need someone to tell you that, but sometimes, it’s nice to hear.
Happy birthday and hugs to you!
I am so sorry. I feel your pain as one who has a very difficult relationship with my sister and brother and get so frustrated when my mother insists I need to be close with them. I would love to be but my mother certainly doesn’t set a great example and in order to be closer to my siblings it has to be okay for me to be who I am and them to stop telling me to somebody else.
Happy Birthday to you!!!! And thanks for offering such a great giveaway with it – the winner is one lucky girl!!!
That makes me sad. I hope that someday you two could/can put it together. xoxo
I have a twin sister as well and our relationship has been a tough one. We are very, very different and have really struggled to respect each other and to not fall into the competitive trap that is too easy for twins to get into.
It is tough and we definitly had a lot of ebb and flow in terms of the closeness of our relationship.
I get this, as my Dad is an identical twin, with ALL the pressures that you state in this post. He and his twin brother talk maybe once or twice a year, perfunctorily, and continue on with their very separate existence. I think they have found a measure of relief, finally, in the great distance (real and emotional) that they have carved for themselves. And still they miss each other, even as they are better apart then they ever were while they were together.
I always wished for a sibling. Being an only child was lonely. But there are no guarantees, even with family.
I hope one day you are at peace with your relationship with your sister, whether you are able to mend the rift or not.
xo
My heart hurts for you. I also have a somewhat strained relationship with my only sibling. He and I are polar opposites, and I try not to hold resentment toward him for the way he acted before my father’s passing.
I’m sorry. That sucks.
OK, change: Happy Birthday to both of you!
I am so sorry. THAT SUCKS! I have a very fragile relationship with my family of birth. It’s amazing to me that so many people are so close to their sibs and their parents. On one hand I pray that my kids fall into that category and stay close to me and each other, but I think I get it if they don’t. SAD!
This makes me sad. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your son and the loss of a relationship with your sister. I hope that you will find peace, whatever the outcome.
I am sorry. I hope you can find a way to at least talk occasionally with one another even if you cannot be friends.
My brother hurt me terribly and I avoided talking to him for the most part for 10 years. Then he got cancer and died, and I will always regret that I put a wall between us.
When another family member was nasty to me several years ago I mourned for the relationship I thought we had and have now developed a different, less deep, relationship with her. I can’t afford to trust her entirely so our relationship is very surface level only.
No doubt your circumstances are very different, but I just wanted to share my situation in hopes it might help.
I am so so sorry. I wish for you peace and healing.
Sad. And poignant. A card, perhaps?
Loralee,
As a human developmental researcher, please take comfort in my tidbit of information:
The only point that you and your sister were identical was immediately after the embryo containing the two of you split. The next step after you and sister became separate domains possessing the same DNA, you were no longer identical. There were two umbelical cords to the same placenta, and you, sister, and mother acted as a unit. So does that mean you were all the same person?
Did your mother have experiences when she was pregnant that you and sister did not?
I think so.
By the time you were born, you had similar experiences in utero – but not “identical”. That is impossible. Experiences in life modify DNA expression, so you become two separate people with the same DNA. While you may have originally had the same DNA, life experiences modify gene expression. Identical DNA – does that really mean anything? No. Just that you have a sure fit in an organ/bone marrow donor.
I am sorry that you carry this burden with you daily. It is so unfortunate that you and sister essentially shared the same identity as young children (always being mistaken for the other). But I hope you take comfort in knowing that you and your sister are entirely different individuals, even if outward appearance or DNA or blood tests do not entirely reflect this.
You’re two people in 6 + billion. You’re not supposed to be best friends. Just two people living meaningful lives, who happen to share DNA.
Well -happy birthday to you Loralee. In the end it is still YOUR birthday too.
Family rifts really are quite painful. I haven’t seen my brother in nearly 10 years. That will change in a couple of weeks.
And it’s changing – we are reconnecting – because the rest of our family has decided that I am a horribly selfish person who has never loved my family. It has been a devastating year and yet…
I reached out to my brother. He walked away from my family 10 years ago and never told us why. After my family walked away from me – I decided to reach out and ask him why he left.
The answers were stunning and we have started a fragile truce.
I share this because, as I’m sure you know, you are not alone. Family problems are so painful because there is part of us who believes we should always be able to count on family, that they would be the last people to betray us.
Hugs to you Loralee.
oh, Loralee. I’m so sorry. Just breaks my heart. As a mom of two girls and twin girls on the way, I am always conscious of my role in supporting and fostering a good relationship between them. My sister and I are very close but it’s often a fragile thing that could go down in flames if we let it. It’s tough. I hope writing about it was helpful to you. And that if somehow when the time is right, you can reconnect if that’s what you want.
If there is one thing I’ve known since reading your blog and meeting you and hearing your words at blogher, it’s that you are someone a person should have in their lives. Hug to you!
Happy birthday! As someone else about to embark on the year of 36 I wish you a wonderful year…one without regrets. Sometimes we think about how we should try to reach out and mend, but I’ve found that often there really are valid reasons for that distance…the only thing worse than having that lack of contact is an encore of being hurt.
Heartbreaking. But………you love her. You do. You always will. Don’t write it off. Please.
*hugs* Do what you have to do.
I’m going to repeat what just about everyone said. That SUCKS (hard)!!!
And I wish that you had acceptance and understanding in someone who has literally been with you your WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.
But it is what it is, and personally I kinda like you the way you are. So why wish for change, when what is works. :) ;)
PS- What the hell, here’s an extra HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! (Cause i thought you needed it;) )
I have a brother and sister with whom I shared a very unpleasant childhood (unpleasant=abusive). It was unpleasant in different ways for each of us kids. I am relatively close to my sister- our experience held some commonality and we have both chosen to deal with it in similar ways. I rarely speak to my brother though. We don’t call on birthdays or exchange gifts at Christmas. If I’m in town, we’ll see each other- but the unspoken divide is there. But I do love him.
Don’t know what mt point there is- other than to say, it happens. I have not had to experience losing a child- so I won’t pretend to understand what that does to someone emotionally or in terms of relationships- I can read and hear about the experiences of others- but hope(pray)to never know firsthand.
Something that really struck me (and saying it is a little (or a lot) bitchy- so I apologize before-hand sensing that YOU will want to strike me!)is that maybe it might be worth factoring in the toll losing your son had on you as you lose your sister (OK- totally not the same thing- but I hope I’m not being a totall ass and you get what I’m saying). What I’m saying is… losing your son was outside of your control- losing your sister is not. It’s a phone call. Make it. There may come a day (God forbid) that you will no longer have the option to.
I’m not trying to say that a call will make it all magically better or, that it is a given that all family members need to be close- I am sure you both have your reasons- it is what it is sometimes- but I do recommend trying to stay connected in some way- whether it is a voicemail message left once a year on your birthdays when you know she won’t be home to answer- or an email just saying “hey”.
Family rifts are common, but all uniquely painful.
Some things cannot be fixed. All we can do is live our best lives and hope that in the end we don’t have too many regret.s
I’m so sorry honey. Sigh.
It’s interesting to me though; this post. My brothers are identical twins. Although, now I tell people I have one brother. Haven’t seen the other in six years. Likely never will again. My brother tells me, that he sees him from time to time on the street…but that I’d not recognize him if he was standing in front of me.
I always hear women say, oh I want twins. I silently think to myself, no, you really don’t.
Call Her.
Valarie
I know this is juvenile to say, but…
it’s her loss. Honestly.
I have an identical twin sister.
I think that is the hardest part of my life to deal with. People think it´s easy and fun. And it can be, but they don´t know the half of it.
Sometimes I wish her a thousands miles out of my life. But if that were to happen a peace of me would break apart.
Now I don´t know what happened between you and your sister but from the country where I come from we have a saying that goes something like this (poor translation!): He yields who has more sense/reason.
If you try the worst thing that comes out if it is that you tried.
Good luck.
That was really touching.
Happy birthday, by the way. I’m a Scorpio, too, and I have a difficult relationship with my sister. It’s hard. I wish your birthday could’ve been happier…
So sad the way relationships don’t always go the way we want them to.