I don’t think I have ever felt so tired.

Well, that is a lie.

I am sure I have.

I’m just too tired to remember when that would be at the moment.

If I could put a label on this week it would be: FALLOUT.

Fallout from so many, many things from physical to emotional to relationships and everything in between.

Mainly fallout from all sorts of controversy that I chose (yes, chose) to take on.

Since it was my choice, I am not whining (well, maybe I am a little) as much as just stating that this week has been effing hard.

(And no, not linking to all the areas of the controversy pie I’ve had my fingers in this week. We all need a break from it.)

And I am exhausted and have to get up and take care of my great-niece at 6 am and yet, I have piles of work and research in front of me.

IMPORTANT research. (I have made little headway in researching, replying to the comments about homeschooling and asking further questions. Go, me.)

So many important decisions are in front of me and my family and I am not sure which path to take.

Ugh.

This is really a post about nothing.

The kind where you feel like you should say SOMETHING but really, you aren’t saying much of anything and it causes cricket chirping in the comments.

I wish I could give you more, but I am pretty tapped out at the moment.

I can’t even find anything funny to say, that is how tapped out I am.

So, let’s end this post, adjourn to the comments section, and talk about abortion!

(Kidding.)

I’ve loved sharing multiple links with you the last few Sundays.  I love giving other sites promotion and link love and sharing things with other people that I consider hidden gems.

This week, despite a post in my drafts chock full of them, I am only posting one thing. When I sat down to publish it, I realized that due to the very serious story that accompanies this, I couldn’t put it with lighter fare.

It just didn’t feel right.

(I will post all my intended links next week. Thanks to those who threw some great ones my way.)

Jonathan and I met in Chamber Singers at Utah State University in 1998.

We love singing together and being in choirs together.

Music is something we utterly agree on. (I know, right?!)

We are proud members of The American Festival Chorus, directed by Dr. Craig Jessop. (This man is amazing. I adore him. And you could not ask for a better musician. His resume floors me.) In 2008 he retired as conductor of The Mormon Tabernacle choir in Salt Lake and returned to our beautiful valley where he was born and raised to become the Dean of the Arts and start AFC. We’re in our 3rd season. It is an excellent choir made up 300 talented musicians. I love it more than I can say. I lost a lot of things when I became inactive from Mormonism and one of them was giving up the thought of being in The Mormon Tabernacle Choir with Jonathan once home life and family schedules permitted it. (You have to be an LDS member in good standing. And NO, I have NO beef with that. I was just sad about it.)

This choir has been such a blessing in such big ways.

I love it.

And really, we are not to Mo-Tab level quite yet, BUT WE ARE DANG CLOSE. (And I am a critical judge, y’all.) We’ve worked hard to be so. The hours and commitment to this group is no small thing. In the  last 72-hours everyone logged 12-hours of standing and singing. 7 of which happened today in a final orchestra/dress rehearsal then the performance. It’s harder than it sounds, trust me. I ate my dinner in the car in the hour I had between break and call.) Our first rehersal for the season was Sept. 1st and we had 20 pieces of music ready for tonight.

The concert was amazing.

Everyone should have a standing ovation with people in the thousands yelling, “Bravo!” at least once in their lives.

Cannot recommend it highly enough.

Tonight’s concert entirely of arrangements and compositions from my ALL TIME FAVORITE MUSICAL ARRANGER PERSON, Mack Wilberg, current director of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  He came up and conducted the last suite of 4 songs, that included Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing (I posted it a few weeks ago but if you’d like a refresher this is an example of his work. He is truly a musical genius. His arrangements are just jaw dropping. I always love singing a Wilberg arrangement.)

Besides Come Thou Fount, which brought down the house, one of the pieces tonight stood out for me.

In 2005, my alma mater had a horrible loss.

8 Utah State University students and 1 instructor were killed when a tire blew on their van when they were on a field trip.

It was horrible.

I was back in school (briefly) at USU at the time and the reaction on campus was one of shock and horrible sadness. It was only 3-days after the 2nd anniversary of losing my Matthew, so I was deeply struck by it. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, under direction of Dr. Jessop, performed it at the memorial service on campus for the students and teacher.

As this year marked the 5-year anniversary of that terrible time, we performed this tonight and dedicated it to their memory.

I struggled not to cry.

I want it played at my funeral.

It’s so pretty and well…perfect Sunday music, frankly.

(I hope you see why I just couldn’t have this posted with anything else.)

(Note: This is the best audio-quality video I could find of the arrangement on youtube. I have no idea who this family is, but it is a sweet look into the history of people who obviously have a great deal of love for each other.)

“Homeward Bound”

In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
And the sky is clear and red,

When the summer’s ceased its gleaming
When the corn is past its prime,
When adventure’s lost its meaning -
I’ll be homeward bound in time

Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I’ll return to you somehow

If you find it’s me you’re missing
If you’re hoping I’ll return,
To your thoughts I’ll soon be listening,
And in the road I’ll stop and turn

Then the wind will set me racing
As my journey nears its end
And the path I’ll be retracing
When I’m homeward bound again

Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I’ll return to you somehow

In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
I’ll be homeward bound again.

COMMENTS CLOSED.

(It’s really just about the music today. AND I HAVE SO MUCH HOMESCHOOL RESEARCH TO DO! Will be catching up on your comments and links and responding. It’s been crazy around here the last few days.)

Midterms have arrived.

Parent teacher conferences have  been attended.

Here is the thing.

I am just not sure my children are suited for a traditional classroom environment.

It has taken a lot (more than you can know, really) for me to get to the point that I am saying this.

I don’t really want to go into details as to why.

I do not talk about my older children online very often because as they get older I fiercely guard their privacy. Middle school is hard enough without your not-unknown-in-the-place-you-live mother blogging about you, you know?

But.

We are not huge fans of our middle schools here, for various reasons.

My kids are not doing well.

Especially our 6th grader.

I often think, “I have no idea what to do and what else to try. I can’t go to the school and sit with him all day to MAKE him pay attention in class!”

But…

Maybe I can.

It means that despite my adament stance that I. would. never. consider. it…we are THINKING about MAYBE homeschooling the boys until high school.

MAYBE.

We are looking into the K12 program. This one is in the lead because there is a TEACHER involved. Because my biggest concern (aside from organization, space, destroying the future of my children and going futsnucking insano) with homeschooling is that I do not possess a rounded enough brain and skill set to help my children learn what they need to know.

Am I smart?

Yes, I am.

In some areas I am brilliant, actually.

But as the counselor that gave me an 8-hour IQ test in college after I was having terrible times grasping complex musical theory told me, “According to these tests you are either off the charts brilliant like we rarely see or you are as dumb as a post. But don’t worry…the dumb as a post thing is mainly due to the gaping holes in your education since you skipped 3rd grade!”

(Um, yay?)

(Oh, well…it could have been worse. When I sat there, shaking and sick before getting my results because they said, “OH…UM…I think we need to pull in more people into this meeting”, I was totally convinced they were going to tell me that due to my utter inability to grasp mathematical concepts they were going to tell me I should have been classified as Mentally Challenged and that no one had caught it during my youth.)

(You think I’m kidding, don’t you?)

It was a horrible moment and I would really rather not have my kids walking around with gaping holes in anything, let alone their education.

I just don’t want to take this on alone as the instructor. No WAY could I do it.  ASSIST in it, of course, but full-on teach?

No, no, NO.

I doubt I can do this.

But…I had doubts I could be a Parent Organization President, too. And I ended up helping to build that organization and other  programs up and served as President for almost 4-terms.

(And I did a good job, y’all.)

I am not sure WHAT is going to happen, but I would love any and all feedback you have. Links, resources, best practices, what works and doesn’t for you if you homeschool, blogs, ANYTHING. (Other than telling me that I am a sucky failure as a parent because really, that would not be overly helpful). ESPECIALLY if it involved the K12 program.

(If you could leave them here instead of Facebook or Twitter I’d be grateful. ONLY because it’s easier to come back and refer to if they aren’t scattered around.)

**EDIT: THANK you for the thoughts on charter schools. We have done that and while great, it is not a current option, nor is private school. Tutoring is a maybe but really, I am looking at a homeschool situation.

Thoughts?