To the men in my life that came before the “Mrs. Choate” part of it,

Hi, it’s me.

Loralee.

I might look a bit different to many of you from the last time you saw me.

(i.e.-I’m not fat anymore.)

(I also don’t have a red, swollen face and resemble Alice Cooper from snotting and crying my eyes out, either.)

(I tend to have a very hard time with goodbyes.)

Some of you have seen me more recently than others, but really, that doesn’t matter. All of you are still in my head and in some part of my heart. (Though, admittidly, some of you take up bigger, fonder spaces and have an easier resting place there than others.)

Today I thought a lot about all of you.

Each and every single one of you.

I actually think about you often. I think it is because of what I do. I’m a blogger, see. (I know, RIGHT?! Those of you who thought I was going to take Broadway or live my life singing in viking horns and a metal bra were wrong! Don’t feel bad, I’m as surprised as you are.) I spend a lot of time reading about different aspects of people’s lives and often the talk turns to people that have been significant to us or that were romantically involved with us.

Each of you has had your turn being dusted off, turned over and examined in my head.

Sometimes it is productive, sometimes it isn’t.

Some of you were wonderful, some of you were passionate, some of you were so hilarious that my sides STILL hurt from laughing with you, some of you were tender, some of you were tepid and dull and frankly, some of you were total assholes.

But…

ALL of you have one thing in common.

You all thought I was beautiful.

Every. single. one. of. you.

I could see it, feel it and almost smell it on you.

You wanted me.

Desired me.

In some cases, you had me.

I know that many of you didn’t treat me nearly as well as I treated you.

Many of you didn’t deserve me, frankly.

But, I still love and cherish each one of you because when I was with you, you didn’t look at me like so many in the world did.

With contempt.

Judgement.

Repulsion.

Anger.

Fear.

Hatred.

Loathing.

ALL BECAUSE I WAS FAT.

And not just a bit pudgy.

Morbidly obese.

But you never stuck that label on me.

With each of you, when we were together and you looked at me, I saw nothing but appreciation (and in more than one case, sheer lust).

I felt SAFE from the hell I got from the other 80% of the world when I was with you. Our problems were from issues that often come when two humans merge, not because of some damn number on a scale.

I haven’t been a fat girl in almost 15 years, but I am still that girl. I still have memories, scars, recollections and pain sometimes. She is with me every single day and in a way, so are you. And that helps me more than you can know.

Because while I often have days like today, where I feel almost physical pain reading a jaw-dropping article full of bias, judgment and idiocy, I also remember the boy that always begged to see more of my body.

I remember the gentleman who loved me when I was 300 lbs and married me at 150.

I remember the poet that would write me love letters and address them all to his “hottie”.

I remember the sweetheart who begged to introduce me to his friends because he wanted to “show me off”.

I remember the man that whispered in my ear that he loved every single inch of me.

I remember the stud that picked me up and carried me across a river like I was a feather.

I remember the hero that asked a man to “step outside” for calling me a fat bitch in his presence.

I remember the awkward kid kissing me under a Christmas tree and saying that it was the best kiss of his life.

I remember the date that saw me in my size 18 homecoming dress and looked at me like I was the most gorgeous thing he’d ever seen.

I remember my boyfriend saying, “She isn’t just pretty, she’s BEAUTIFUL” when the little girl sitting next to us on the bus piped up to him that, “Your friend is pretty!”. (I almost cried. Not just at the genuine sweetness in his reply but because the way that girl kept staring at me, I thought she thought I was hideous. Thus was my mindset at 18. Awesome, no?)

Every memory like this is treasured by me, no matter HOW we ended or why.

I want to say THANK YOU to each of you from the formerly ample bottom of my heart.

Thank you for really seeing me.

Because I was pretty fucking awesome.

(And I have news for you…I still am. ;) )

Hugs and kisses, (and good wishes that you still have full heads of hair*)!

Loralee

*Added note due to people calling me out on this: If every man on this list lost his hair? Still good looking to me. Mr. Looneytunes is case-in-point, dudes. While I do not know a single man or person that wants their hair to fall out (thus the good wishes for its preservation) loss of hair doesn’t matter A BIT to me. Neither does weight. I fall in love with the person. Ask anyone. It was said affectionately as both an inside joke and because it’s been DECADES since I have seen some of the men I mentioned and I was poking fun at our advancing age more than anything. If I was ungraceful in it, my apologies.

Autumn always puts me in a FIERCE baking and cooking mood. I love the coziness that good, homemade food adds to the ambiance of my house. I’m just usually much more into homemaking in general in the fall and early winter months. And there has been a LOT of focus on ‘home’ lately.

There have been many pluses to teaching Christopher at home. Along with studying the actual literature, we watched The Simpsons version of The Raven and the BBC production of Austen’s Emma AND IT TOTALLY COUNTED AS CURRICULUM. Which is more full of WIN than I can adequately express. On top of his core studies today he had cello and piano lessons then met his home school group for a Halloween party and trunk-er-treating (I loathe that term and practice) and then went swimming for his PE time.

The thing I love the most is teaching him life skills.

This is HUGE in my book as far as importance. I want my kid to know about credit scores, insurance, how to check the oil on a car, change tires, how checking and savings accounts work and I am sure Jon will make sure he knows the ins and outs of a computer. My sons WILL all be proficient at cooking, baking, cleaning and caring for children before they leave my house. They may not be the best at doing it every day and staying on top of it (especially if they take after their mother) but they will KNOW HOW.

I had lots of fall fruit and vegetables stocked up and so I decided to teach Christopher some of my favorite, easy fall recipes to make for dinner and dessert tonight.

We started with this:

ROASTED AUTUMN/WINTER VEGETABLES

(I always make a huge batch of these. I heap a jelly roll pan full then I use the left overs to puree, add stock and cream and make soup the next day. Nom, nom, nom…)

Pick a selection of root vegetables. Ration them according to what you like the most. I always go heavy on the carrots, yams and squash and lighter on the potatoes, but you can do whatever you’d like.

Carrots (I use bagged baby carrots when I don’t have them fresh from a garden or farmer market)
Turnips (Peeled and cubed)
1-2 quartered, peeled onion
Red potatoes (I leave the skin on, cubed)
Baby Yukon Gold potatoes (Skin on, cubed)
Yams (Peeled and cubed)
Butternut Squash-(peeled and cubed)
Parsnips (Peeled and cubed)
Fresh Thyme (Or dried if you are too lazy to go cut some out of your garden when it’s freezing and hailing. Like me this evening. :) )
Olive oil, salt, pepper and about 1 tablespoon of sugar

Put prepared veggies on your jelly roll pan. Take a good quality olive oil and dispense a good glug over them (I usually go around the pan one and one half times). Sprinkle with kosher salt, pepper and herbs. Toss with clean hands until coated. Sprinkle sugar over the top. (It brings out the sweetness of the vegetables and also helps them caramelize during the last bit of baking. Cover with foil and bake for 50 min. at 400-degrees.  Uncover and bake an additional 10 minutes or until the vegetables are starting to brown/caramelize. Attempt to not scarf down the entire pan with a fork while standing over the stove.

Next we made one of my favoritest dishes ever. It’s a crumble. I LOVE fruit crumbles and over the years I’ve added and subtracted and played around until I came up with something I adore.

Loralee’s Apple, Pear & Dried Cranberry Crumble Pie
Makes two pies. Give one away to your pregnant BFF that is LEAVING YOU AND MOVING TO FREAKING TEXAS IN TWO MONTHS or scarf them down yourself. I don’t judge. :)

Butter Crust:
2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1 tablespoon sugar
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks) chilled unsalted butter, cut into 1/2-inch cubes (Do I have to articulate that you MUST use REAL BUTTER when baking? MARGARINE IS OF THE DEVIL. FOR REALS.)
6 tablespoons ice water (more or less)

This is a rather firm crust, just the way I like it for bottom crust only pies. And with this recipe , after the fruit, IT IS ALL ABOUT THE BUTTER! Mix flour, sugar, and salt in processor. Add butter; pulse until coarse meal forms. Gradually blend in enough ice water to form clumps that are moist. Form dough into two balls, flatten into discs, wrap in plastic and chill for 2 hours or as long as you’ve got, if you’re me. In which case you will just roll them out, put in a pie pan and put in the fridge until the filling is done. (I do a ragged, natural edge on this pie. It ends up looking all rustic and like I am about to feed it to a hottie lumberjack at a woodland picnic or something. Dig it.)

Crumb Topping:

2 1/2 cups old-fashioned oats (DO NOT USE QUICK OATS. SEE ABOVE COMMENT ABOUT INGREDIENTS THAT ARE OF THE DEVIL. THEY ARE IN THE SAME CATEGORY, PEOPLE.)
1 1/2 cups golden brown sugar
1 cup all purpose flour
1 cup (2 sticks) chilled butter, cubed
1/2 cup chopped walnuts (optional)

Mix oats, 1 cup sugar, and flour into a mixer. Add butter and mix on low until topping comes together in moist clumps. Try to leave some for the actual pie after taking a taste test or forty.

Filling:
I like my pies HEAPING full. You can use less fruit. See? I am way flexible, people. Take that how you will. Heh.

4 Honey Crisp apples
4 Fuji or Gala apples
4 Bosc Pears
1/2 cup to 1 cup (depending on taste) dried cranberries (craisins)
1 cup sugar (I like my pies sweet. I am not a tart fan around here. At least about fruit pies, that is. ;) You can use less sugar if you like. )
1/2 cup flour (For firmer filling, use more, for runnier filling use less. This is the ratio I prefer.)
1 1/2 tablespoon cinnamon

Peel, core and slice the apples and pears. Place in a bowl. Add sugar and cinnamon and toss. Gradually add flour until the mixture has enough flour/moisture and is evenly coated. Add the dried cranberries and toss again.

Pour into chilled pie dough shells. Dot with butter (YES. MORE BUTTER! BUTTER, BUTTER, BUTTERY BUTTER!) Mound crumb topping over the fruit filling.

Bake for 15 minutes at 400-degrees or until the crumb topping is browned.  Reduce heat to 350 and bake for 35-45 minutes until fruit is tender and the filling is bubbling. (If necessary, cover with foil after reducing the heat to prevent the top and edges from burning/over browning)

When the boys got back from swimming and after stopping to inhale the gust of chilled, smoke-tinged air they brought in with them, we pigged out ate roasted chicken and vegetables and had crumble pie by candle light to the sound of rain pelting our kitchen window.

It all sounds too cozy and perfect for words, right?

Except that this is what everything looked like at the end. Yay!

Hey, I’m nothing if not real. (I am totally digging Butterlump’s ‘off-the-shoulder look’ for fall.)

What are your favorite fall recipes? Anything you enjoy cooking/baking with your kiddies? Because I am ALWAYS looking to add to my box of treats and tricks. I hope you’ll share! (Or just tell me what you like to do/make in the fall. Or just tell me my kitchen doesn’t look THAT bad. Heh.)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get my minions boys to take out the trash and then get busy doing some serious sweeping and cleaning up before bed.

:)

I’m often asked how my marriage can survive when Jonathan and I are so different in our politics.

Things like this help.

“So, I just realized that while my girl bits have a life-long-attraction-that-will-not-die for conservative men, your boy bits totally dig liberals! Ha, HA!”

“You realize that the male anatomy on every guy is totally liberal? It wants what it wants despite who they screw and whatever mess and consequence it leaves behind.”

“Huh. Is that right?”

“Yup, pretty much.”

“Ok. Oh, by the way…remember that “thing” you wanted to try out later when the kids were asleep? Sorry, I can’t. My conservative parts are too unbending and ridged. Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s a sin.”

“My liberal bits find you intolerant and insist it’s a basic human right.”

“Yeah, well I have compassion for you since some of my best friends are into “that”. But I don’t believe in spreading the, err…’wealth’ and participation would violate my personal liberties, so don’t tread on me, dude.”

And then we laughed, turned out the lights and had a GREAT time.

The end.