To the men in my life that came before the “Mrs. Choate” part of it,
Hi, it’s me.
Loralee.
I might look a bit different to many of you from the last time you saw me.
(i.e.-I’m not fat anymore.)
(I also don’t have a red, swollen face and resemble Alice Cooper from snotting and crying my eyes out, either.)
(I tend to have a very hard time with goodbyes.)
Some of you have seen me more recently than others, but really, that doesn’t matter. All of you are still in my head and in some part of my heart. (Though, admittidly, some of you take up bigger, fonder spaces and have an easier resting place there than others.)
Today I thought a lot about all of you.
Each and every single one of you.
I actually think about you often. I think it is because of what I do. I’m a blogger, see. (I know, RIGHT?! Those of you who thought I was going to take Broadway or live my life singing in viking horns and a metal bra were wrong! Don’t feel bad, I’m as surprised as you are.) I spend a lot of time reading about different aspects of people’s lives and often the talk turns to people that have been significant to us or that were romantically involved with us.
Each of you has had your turn being dusted off, turned over and examined in my head.
Sometimes it is productive, sometimes it isn’t.
Some of you were wonderful, some of you were passionate, some of you were so hilarious that my sides STILL hurt from laughing with you, some of you were tender, some of you were tepid and dull and frankly, some of you were total assholes.
But…
ALL of you have one thing in common.
You all thought I was beautiful.
Every. single. one. of. you.
I could see it, feel it and almost smell it on you.
You wanted me.
Desired me.
In some cases, you had me.
I know that many of you didn’t treat me nearly as well as I treated you.
Many of you didn’t deserve me, frankly.
But, I still love and cherish each one of you because when I was with you, you didn’t look at me like so many in the world did.
With contempt.
Judgement.
Repulsion.
Anger.
Fear.
Hatred.
Loathing.
ALL BECAUSE I WAS FAT.
And not just a bit pudgy.
Morbidly obese.
But you never stuck that label on me.
With each of you, when we were together and you looked at me, I saw nothing but appreciation (and in more than one case, sheer lust).
I felt SAFE from the hell I got from the other 80% of the world when I was with you. Our problems were from issues that often come when two humans merge, not because of some damn number on a scale.
I haven’t been a fat girl in almost 15 years, but I am still that girl. I still have memories, scars, recollections and pain sometimes. She is with me every single day and in a way, so are you. And that helps me more than you can know.
Because while I often have days like today, where I feel almost physical pain reading a jaw-dropping article full of bias, judgment and idiocy, I also remember the boy that always begged to see more of my body.
I remember the gentleman who loved me when I was 300 lbs and married me at 150.
I remember the poet that would write me love letters and address them all to his “hottie”.
I remember the sweetheart who begged to introduce me to his friends because he wanted to “show me off”.
I remember the man that whispered in my ear that he loved every single inch of me.
I remember the stud that picked me up and carried me across a river like I was a feather.
I remember the hero that asked a man to “step outside” for calling me a fat bitch in his presence.
I remember the awkward kid kissing me under a Christmas tree and saying that it was the best kiss of his life.
I remember the date that saw me in my size 18 homecoming dress and looked at me like I was the most gorgeous thing he’d ever seen.
I remember my boyfriend saying, “She isn’t just pretty, she’s BEAUTIFUL” when the little girl sitting next to us on the bus piped up to him that, “Your friend is pretty!”. (I almost cried. Not just at the genuine sweetness in his reply but because the way that girl kept staring at me, I thought she thought I was hideous. Thus was my mindset at 18. Awesome, no?)
Every memory like this is treasured by me, no matter HOW we ended or why.
I want to say THANK YOU to each of you from the formerly ample bottom of my heart.
Thank you for really seeing me.
Because I was pretty fucking awesome.
(And I have news for you…I still am. ;) )
Hugs and kisses, (and good wishes that you still have full heads of hair*)!
Loralee
*Added note due to people calling me out on this: If every man on this list lost his hair? Still good looking to me. Mr. Looneytunes is case-in-point, dudes. While I do not know a single man or person that wants their hair to fall out (thus the good wishes for its preservation) loss of hair doesn’t matter A BIT to me. Neither does weight. I fall in love with the person. Ask anyone. It was said affectionately as both an inside joke and because it’s been DECADES since I have seen some of the men I mentioned and I was poking fun at our advancing age more than anything. If I was ungraceful in it, my apologies.
You still are pretty fucking awesome. Love this
Right back at ya.
I cried while reading this for a number of reasons. Firstly because I am just in awe of your sheer character and strength. I am still the fat girl. I’ve had many men in my life and I’ve never thought of them in this light. I think if I try to I might let go of some bitterness toward them and maybe, just maybe see myself without feeling shameful and embarrassed.
Oh, I have had a hell of a time of it, don’t let me fool you. I have MANY an insecure moment rear its head at me. But…I also look back and feel so bad for how hard I could be on myself and how much what other people thought of me SIMPLY DUE TO WEIGHT hurt me.
I want to take that girl and hug her. Just like I want to hug YOU.
Don’t be shamed. Don’t be embarrassed. Someone I know is forever telling me to ‘consider the source’ when I am judging what people have said to me…I REALLY hope you do the same. xoxoxo
Loralee, you are amazing. And beautiful inside (most important) and out (not as important but still true). Wait…that did come out right, right? LOL
Came out PERFECTLY, Darlin’. And THANK YOU. xo
I am the fat girl and am debating the gastric bypass. Seriously debating. I have always been big”ger”. Various shades of the same color. Cancer, broken face, cancer again…god, does a girl have to die to be skinny???
I am blessed to have the most loving husband in my life. He loves me for “all” that I am. Someday perhaps I will love myself to the extent that you love yourself. You are a true inspiration Loralee! Truly! Thanks for sharing so much of your story.
YOU are the one I am in awe of women. IN AWE.
You effing beat down cancer twice and have come out of some of the most awful struggles and leave me in the dust for the kind of person you are. It’s an honor to know you, friend. xo
I posted on her article. It says pretty much all I want to say on it:
To the author: Yep, insensitive.12:05:13 AM
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Posted by: Mila______
I appreciate the apology. But you really should educate yourself about why so many people are overweight. Some people can help it. Some people are lazy and eat terrible food. Some people though… it’s not that easy.
I have PCOS. That’s polycystic ovarian syndrome. It’s not a very pleasant syndrome. It has a lot of symptoms. But I’ll only focus on one: obesity. I have been overweight since puberty struck and the early age of 10. I was a slim and active child. Then I got my period and instantly chunked up. I ate good food, played softball, and lived my life. After I was diagnosed and put on the pill, the best treatment for PCOS in my humble opinion, I went on the healthiest diet I could. No soda, no candy, no chips, nothing indulgent. Out of 235 pounds… I lost 5. In a year. And I was walking all over the sprawling campus I was living on at the time since I had no car. My job also included delivering heavy packages all over campus, usually in my backpack and arms. I still lost only 5 pounds. Since that disaster, I went back to a moderate diet that includes soda and the occasional sweet treat, though I don’t like sugary stuff much in the first place. How much have I gained in 5 years? About 10 pounds total. I have shirts and dresses that still fit perfectly… from high school.
Maybe you should do an article on something like that? Or maybe PCOS in general. It has a huge impact on many women who haven’t even been diagnosed yet. Also, please try to learn some tact. You did say some pretty atrocious things in your piece.
******
And yes, I do also feel very grateful for all the men who appreciate me as I am and have appreciated me. *will give a big squashy kiss to her bf in a bit*
I know many a women who work their guts out but have so little success due to PCOS.
I will be blunt and say that yes, there are things that can be done to help obesity in a lot of cases but SO MANY FREAKING people really down play how huge a fight and struggle it is (Or act like the heavy person doesn’t know about fitness/nutrition/just isn’t trying hard enough dammit) and then add in ad hominem attacks when addressing obesity. Most just have no dang clue.
Bingo!
My emotions have vacillated violently since reading this article today. I was upset…so frustrated that this incredibly judgmental, inflammatory piece of literary rubbish was written. I told my husband how sad I felt about how many other women would feel as worthless and repulsive due to Maura Kelly’s words. To add insult to injury, he didn’t take the hint to be sensitive and just listen. He used it as a moment to critique my body, speak of failed weight loss attempts, and revealed his loss of attraction to me as I’ve become larger. I cried so hard, feeling even worse than the article made me.
So I did the same thing as you. I went through my mental list of past loves. The heartfelt compliments, the gazes of adoration, love letters, and even listened to a song that was inspired by a singer-songwriter’s unrequited love for me. I looked in the mirror for a long time and realized that I don’t need my husband’s validation to believe I’m beautiful. Sure, I’d like to not freak out that size 24 is the largest one available at the big girl stores. I know I’m exercising and eating right and doing the best that I can handle. And obviously, I’m attractive to the guy who DM’d me on Twitter for a sexy pic. (Not sent, but very flattering)
Thank you for this post!
Jesus, baby. I am so sorry that your husband took that moment to kick you when down. I certainly had my share of men who wouldn’t give me the time of day (fat and thin) but luckily the men that chose to be with me were WITH me. And I was various weights with them.
There are all different kinds of beauty and all different kinds of men who are attracted to them (and not). I just HATE that so many women feel like we aren’t beautiful to ANYONE or worthless if we have a whole lotta curves to love, because that just isn’t true.
Not to intrude, but… *hugs lots*
*kicks your hubby in the tuckus*
Really cool post Loralee. Men should respect all women regardless. Also what Marie Claire thinks is beautiful is not necessarily what men think is beautiful. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some men like skinny girls, some prefer the opposite, and some in between. For each body type there is a guy out there who will find that woman beautiful.
I so agree…I just wish more were like you, Tim. And I wish more women could read these words and truly believe them. I have nothing against people not being attracted to certain kinds of beauty but so many women (and men as well) feel they are simply NOTHING because of weight. So, so wrong. xo
Yes, you definitely are fucking awesome! Very inspiring post.
I only say the F word on my blog when I am very impassioned. But hey, it’s a good thing to feel strongly about, right? :)
Thank you, for writing this. I need to go thank my husband now.
You made me cry, and I love you for it!
I am glad you are married to someone like that. I’d say give him a hug from me but that would probably be awkward and weird. Heh.
Home run, L-Squared!
Home run.
Thank thee, kindly!
I have been reading you for a really long time, but this has got to be my favorite of everything you’ve written. I am not a cry baby but I have tears welling up. I was holding it together alright until I read the line about your boyfriend telling the girl on the bus “No she is BEAUTIFUL”. You are so lucky to have had that in your life, LL. You wouldn’t know if that former boyfriend of yours is single, would you? Cuz I could really love on a man like that. }:o)
LOL. As far as I know I am pretty sure he is really, really taken but I am also pretty sure he’d likely be very tickled at the compliment. What man wouldn’t?
I hope my Mother and God forgive me but…….
That was a pretty fucking awesome post! :-)
I went back and read your original post. You were beautiful then and you are beautiful now.
I admit to crying quite a bit when I read this article today. Tonight I don’t cry for myself though. I cry for the sad life that woman must lead. And all the wonderful people she has never met due to her bigotry. Her world must be shallow and cold.
I may be fat but I have the love of a wonderful husband who doesn’t care what I weigh. 2 boys who are respectful to everyone regardless of their appearence. And the most fabulous friends in the world.
I hope that someday her heart will be softened and she can allow this kind of love and light into her world. Because until then she will continue to spew hate and intolerance.
Magnificent post. I was also the fat girl as well and know how tough it is to make such a personal change in one’s life.
Beauty always shines from within, no matter what the outside covering is. Fat, thin, etc. – it’s secondary to our inner spirits and how they show.
the marie clair article enraged me. I find it telling that the author is a recovering anorexic/bulimic; however, the whole thing smacked of ignorance.
I am a big girl. My husband and daughters think I am beautiful. I get hit on regularly. And I love myself. Obviously, the author of that post does not.
Great post, Loralee. I love this take on it.
This was one of my all time favorite Loralee posts.
LOVE this post!
Love this post. Hated the Marie Claire one.
And not just because she mis-spelled “heroin”.
Yes you are still beautiful. I imagine that all of those boys saw what so many of us see, your beautiful soul. You are more than just a pretty (far away) face. You are a beautiful soul who I am honored and blessed to call my friend.
Awesome. Just awesome. I also read your linked post. Thanks for sharing your story. Thanks for being honest. Thanks for caring about others to educate them about issues that a lot don’t want to talk about. I’m a recovered (ing? it doesn’t ever end, really) anorexic with POCS. Great combination, right? LOL. As a result, though I never ate, I was never confronted with my issues. I was just slender. Anorexics are skeletons, therefore she’s just fine is what my mother to this day thinks. I finally got brave and told her about those issues (she’s constantly hassling me about my weight. At age 45. Give it UP, Mom!”) You know what she said? “Oh honey, that’s not true. You were never skinny enough to be anorexic!” Today I’m a size 14/16. And everyday, I fight the battle. I finally went public with the first part of my story here. Nice to have found your blog (through a fb friend). Take care.
I posted on my blog an email that I sent Marie Claire, and also included a link to many other great responses to the article including this post.
http://www.ohboyohboyohboy.com/2010/10/letter-to-editors-of-marie-claire.html
Thank you for this awesome post. For those of us who are morbidly obese and have tried EVERYTHING to lose weight and have failed, true love is hard to find. Luckily my wonderful husband loves me for who I am not what I weigh. I hope to get gastric bypass or the lap-band once my husband is able to find work and we have insurance again. Thank you for sharing your story again.
this was beautiful, wonderful and articulate. you spoke for so many women (probably more than you’ll really know) who need, literally need, to dig deep and remember what it feels like to be desired and amazing– from the inside out. we all need that. thank you.
Sorry, I just think you are plain awesome. (that’s enough)
Thanks for saying it so well – I had a different experience but ended up in roughly the same place (re: weight loss… no fabulous boobies yet tho, SIGH) and I still struggle with what I see in the mirror actually lining up with what other people see. It’s nice to see something like this, especially after what that silly twit of a woman wrote.
I remember bawling a week before my wedding because I had gained back some of the weight I had worked so hard to lose… and after all my struggles, I was crushed that I would be getting married as a “fat” girl — but I also remember my husband telling me that I was beautiful, and he loved me no matter my size, and he was marrying me NOT the tag on my dress (by the way, why do they size those suckers small?? Having going up 2 sizes on your wedding day isn’t a smart marketing decision IMO). It’s always easier to remember the ugly stuff, at least for me — so I appreciate this post because it helped me remember the ‘other’ stuff, which is much more important.
Love this…and you. xoxox
this was such a wonderful post and i was so happy for the incredible men you had been blessed with, but i have to say that i was shocked to get to the end and find you wishing full heads of hair on men as though they couldn’t be attractive and amazing if they were balding. to me it really soured everything you had to say about acceptance.
I can see how that could be misread. I edited my post to add a note of explanation because it couldn’t be further from the truth. Each man on here would be attractive with no hair or with.
(And I am laughing because the man I spent years of my youth and 20′s wishing I could marry is both overweight and balding and while I finally realized marriage to him would not be a good fit for me, I still think he’s utterly attractive.)
Hope it is less soured for you. My bad for poor wording.
I have to say, after thinking about all this for a day (along with a jillion other things) I have to say this experience has made me rethink the way I think about myself and others. And the people who love me, and my reasons for my goals. And while I’m still processing that, and figuring out how I’m going to change the things I see wrong in my own life/thinking/believing and how I’m going to raise my kids different.
Oh and it makes me love the people I’ve been befriended and loved by, despite differences (of all kinds)
Thanks, for making me think. And probably changing the way I am at the core, for reals. And the way I’m going to raise my kids. And like everything…
Thank you for posting this. I’m a fat girl too, and I”ve tried so many things to fix it, and none of them seem to work… I’m still trying to fix it, but some days it just feels easier to give up.
I’ve almost totally given up on ever finding love. Sadly, I feel like no one will ever love the fat girl, and your blog made me feel a little better today, thank you.
I had to share it on my facebook for everyone to see.
<3
Thank you for saying the things I haven’t yet been able to get myself to put into words.
I’m feeling inspired to try again, though! :)
Wow – amazing post Loralee. I have kind of the opposite problem many people seem to have. I am the formerly skinny girl who cannot reconcile what she sees in the mirror. I never realize I am fat until I see a photo, until recently. It’s like I have finally been fat long enough that I realize it now. Ugh. I have been blessed with a husband who is so loving, and so lustful;) that I just don’t notice it that much until I see my reflection or a mirror. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks. Ah, it kind of makes me feel like a failure in so many ways. I have daughters, I want them to be healthy.
This is an intense topic, and you have given all the girls (and some guys) a little boost in self esteem. Thank you.
Wonderful post. My late husband, who was a successful rock guitar god – yes, you and everyone else has heard him play, told me every day I was beautiful and how much he loved me. When I was 130 lbs and when I was 210 lbs and every lb in between.
I was a lucky woman and I miss him so much.
I was really surprised at my reaction when I read this. The point I identified most strongly with was your thought on the bus when you were 18. Whenever I “catch someone looking at me” I ALWAYS assume it’s because something is hanging from my nose or they have noticed my ill-fitting outfit wasn’t ironed. I find it nearly impossible to accept the compliments my amazing husband gives me, and have to constantly bite my tongue so as to not scar my beautiful children by perpetually berating their mother (me). Looking back at the few men who have acted interested in me, I wish I could remember amazing and romantic things… but I don’t.
The really disturbing part is that it’s probably not because those beautiful things didn’t happen. It probably happened, then I most likely pushed it away in disbelief, just like I do now. I wish I could accept it – even celebrate it -like you have learned to.
I know, in my head, that I am not some creature from the Black Lagoon. So why do I feel so negatively? I am startled by my self loathing.
(Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to put it out there, because maybe I’m not the only one?)
You should TOTALLY accept it. Because it’s true. But that voice in our heads that starts building very young and very strong is a bitch to beat down some days. You just have to embrace it, remember that you have kick ass hair and tell it to go the hell away.
You are totally not the only one. :)
Well said, and an incredibly touching and inspirational story, Loralee. You’re as brave as any of the brave military brothers-in-arms I have been fortunate to know and serve with over the years. Good on ya!
high compliment, that! THANK YOU!
Maura Kelly’s post made my stomach turn…yep, every single inch of my fat stomach retched. And you know what? Even if Maura thinks I am a disgusting mess to look at, I still love myself. Not every single minute of every day – but what woman does?! Sure, I would love to lose some weight. But that takes dedication and effort – and honestly, I like food! And I like relaxing and going for drives.
I too have been loved. Sometimes I didn’t understand why. And I have loved.
Screw Maura – We cannot let her awfully sad words destroy us – we do it enough already. We need to have ways to help each other and encourage each other…not berate and poke fun at.
Thank you for writing this post. I liked Jennifer Lancaster’s as well – (I see she follows you on Twitter)
I just wanted to add, I am on the long waitlist for gastric bypass. I have been a reader since the beginning of loraleeslooneytunes.`blogspot`.com. I became a fat girl nearly overnight in the month of April 1998. I was too thin before that, and to this day, other than taking depoprovera for the first time just before then, I have no idea what sparked it. I gained 60lbs in a month, and after years of testing it was determined I have PCOS. I have a progressive stage of it (it is nearly impossible for me to have children say the experts after many fertility treatments). This article infuriated me to no end. I know realistically, this is how the average person probably feels; if I were on a fly on their living room wall, I`m sure I`d hear worse. My husband started dating me Feb 1998. I was 120 lbs, but looked like 100 (I weigh heavy for my size). He bought me exercize clothes and videos that April. They didn`t help. My weight after climbed steadily despite doctor interventions, jenny craig, herbal magic, weight watchers, nutritionists, and I finally, after the death of my daughter, stopped maintaining my 190-200lb. weight altogether. I just stopped caring, sue me. My husband is a wonderful man, don`t get me wrong and I love him to pieces, except for that part of him that hates overweight people. We do not have sex, haven`t for years, unless one or the other of us pleads for some kind of release, this is usually 3 mos or so in intervals. Overall, I don`t mind, I`m not a sexual person anymore, probably due to hormone imbalances, high levels of estrogen in my fat, and disinterestedness with his reaction. The bad part is, I find myself beautiful still. I am arguing with my sister and husband constantly about my right to feel that way. They think i`m dying (im about 290lbs) and if my shirt should ride up, god help me! I might as well have been caught streaking! It makes me angry that I am only worth what I weigh to these people in this aspect. I know I was treated much better when I weighed less. I am going through with the surgery, not for them, but because my joints hurt, I have a bad back from a past injury (though hubby thinks its because Im fat) and I cannot take my son to the park, minutes from my house without paying dearly for it. I want to be healthy. I keep assuring hubby that I will never be thin. He won^t hear it. says not to waste time on the surgery then. I am doing it for me. I hope to lose the expect 60% loss of excess weight. This will make me about 194lbs. I can live with that. Tough if he cant. But, there is that part of me, that wonders what it would be like to be desired. We love each other, just not in a sexual way if that makes sense. Wanted to clarify that if it wasn’t clear.
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