One of my great joys as a child was twirling around in my Sunday dresses.
Especially if I was wearing ruffle-butt underwear.
(It just seemed to add to the “yee haw!” of the moment, you know?)
As I felt the wind whoosh my layers of taffeta and chiffon up around me in a twirling umbrella shape, I thought that, surely, EVERYONE thought that I was as wonderful as I felt in those moments.
I was wrong.
When I was little there was only one family on the street with a son my age, and the mom was the Primary President in our church.
And she did not like me.
Or any of my family, really.
We always played outside.
When I was finally invited over to his house to play, I was so excited. I remember putting on my favorite pink shirt and I went out and picked a bunch of lilacs off of our lilac bush and tied it with one of my hair ribbons to give to the mom as a present to say “thank you so much” for finally letting me come over to play with my friend. I remember standing there excitedly waiting for some comment of approval but she said nothing.
She left the flowers on the porch when we went inside. As an adult I realize they hit the trash the second I was downstairs but as a little kid, I shrugged it off and went on my blissfully ignorant way.
We had a BLAST playing and playing and playing.
Then I went home.
A few days later, I went back to play and my friend told me his mom was mad that I didn’t clean up the playroom before I left and that because of that I was never allowed back in the house again.
And I never was.
If we were running around outside in a group, they would go in to get drinks, but everyone knew I wasn’t allowed so I stayed outside.
We lived on that street until I went to college and I never stepped foot in that house again.
All these years later I remember the feeling when he told me that I was never allowed in his house again. I stood there with my head down, face burning as I concentrated hard on the grimy edge of a Sesame Street bandage on my knee so that I wouldn’t cry in front of him.
I remember the feelings of shame and embarrassment of her judging me and finding me lacking. And I remember my feelings of confusion the next Sunday I had to sit right in front of her and watch her leading us in Primary. She was the Primary Presdient so she was a good person, right? If she never wanted me in her house again…what was I?
I wanted to crawl into the biggest, darkest hole I could find.
I just wanted her to like me.
But it is very similar to my realizations about my Grandmother Bernice (rhymes with “furnace”).
She loved me in her perfunctory way, but that is not the same thing. (And my family was Mormon, which meant I would never be acceptable.)
She did not like me, either.
Kids can tell when an adult likes them or they don’t.
It wasn’t for lack of trying. I was a charming, lovely little girl and I tried my best to twirl, laugh, sing, tell funny stories and smile to get her affection.
I wanted her to like me.
It didn’t work.
My teen and college age came, along with boys, and hurt and damage, and weight problems (being morbidly obese as a young person can really screw with your head for a long time, people) and flat out CRAZY, and shame and loss. Those were not easy years. Not easy at all.
And again and again I kept trying to get approval from people that either wouldn’t or couldn’t give it to me.
It has created so many tears and holes all over me that I am still putting them back together.
And I am a shitty seamstress, y’all.
It seems to me, that this pattern kept repeating on one level or another with different people, even though I am a card-carrying adult now. I twirl and twirl for the one person in the room that who just isn’t buying what I am selling.
Getting that particular approval is so important.
Too important.
The harder the rejection, the harder I try to get the gold star. 100 people can give me a nod and a thumbs up and I will still scan the room still looking for the one nod that means more than all of them put together.
And often it just doesn’t come.
Do not get me wrong, there is so much in my childhood, teen years and grown up life that was and is fabulous.
I have done so many amazing and wonderful things in my life.
Things I never in a million years dreamed I would.
I totally cop to the fact that can and do create quite the number of messes in my life, but…I am capable of truly magical things.
If you don’t know me well, you’ll probably just have to take my word for this, but it’s true.
Unbelievable things can (and do) happen around me, dudes.
And over all?
I didn’t turn out so bad. :)
But…
While it has gotten better over the years, and mainly bites just me in the ass with people I have long history with, I carry around this damage with me that I seem to have great difficulty shaking.
Which is frustrating for me because most of the time I truly feel like I’ve let it all go and moved on.
I’ll think it’s dealt with and everything can be fine, dandy, and I will be working things through like an adult (most of the time) and then BAM! My face will start burning and I feel all that old shame and embarrassment and god-awful rejection and I feel right back at square one.
It’s a tired dance–one I am throughly sick of.
I’m too old for this bullshit, frankly.
I’m 36, not in ruffle-butt underwear. (Well, mostly. :) )
It’s ridiculous.
So, here I sit, feeling a little pathetic writing these less-than-flattering things, but I need to be honest with myself because I hate getting whacked over the head by my past. (Correction: I hate that getting whacked over the head by my past can still hurt me significantly.) Change never comes by glossing over or lying to yourself, you know?
I don’t want to CARE if someone gives me a pat, a hug, a thumbs up.
I don’t want it to matter if someone gives me approval.
I want to like and love them simply because I do.
I want to leave the little girl twirling on the playground with a grubby bunch of lilacs in her hand behind me.
And twirl just because I like it.
I know the feeling I have always been a huge approval seeker and always find myself not getting what I am wanting in feedback from people particularly bosses. In the long run it has made me a massive cynic.
It hasn’t made me cynical it’s made me…annoying. ;)
I too know the feeling but I have to say, I am mortified that a Primary President would act that way toward a child! It just infuriates me to no end that you were treated that way by an adult and still remember it so deeply. I think we all have that one person in the crowd that for some weird reason we long to get approval from. Just remember that your self worth is huge in the eyes of Heavenly Father and anyone that doesn’t take a liking to you can kiss your twirling butt!
I think it was just because I was so young and impressionable and it was a very confusing message. Plus, I was a little lonely. There weren’t a lot of kids where I lived and it blew to be shunned from the one house with someone my age.
I mainly don’t think on it. (Till I do. Heh.)
There was a family like that on our street too. The mom’s dislike of us was palpable. Fortunately they moved.
Self-confidence has never come naturally to me and I have had to fight and work hard to acquire it, but I will say, the combination of feeling comfortable in my role as mother and turning 40, has made me really not care what other people think.
There are plenty of people who don’t like me, or who don’t get to know me well enough to see if they like me or not, but I realize, it’s more about them than it is about me. And I’m fabulous, so their loss! (And you are fabulous too. So, you know… same.)
I don’t care overly about people I don’t KNOW. It’s those that I do that I can’t quite get that warm, fuzzy, nod from.
You seemed just fine to me in the confidence area when we met!
I’ve never really had a problem with confidence, and if I do, well…I am a pretty good actress.
FWIW, I always liked you! :D But I hate that you are still haunted by those experiences and that they even happened at all! :( Have you ever tried energy medicine? It has worked wonders for me and brought peace to areas of my life that I thought was unattainable. Seriously. Email me if you want more info. It was life changing I tell ya! Loves and hugs and all that good stuff!!!
Thanks for that, Becca.
High school was such an odd time for me.
(You were on the ‘friendlies’ list in my head.)
What’s your email addy?
What the heck is a Primary President?
Do you square dance? Lots of chances to twirl and show off your knickers there, with the bonus of it being pretty decent exercise if you have a good caller.
I don’t recall being real concerned about people liking me as I was growing up. Some people didn’t like me, there were some people I didn’t like. Maybe being the youngest of 4 boys, with a 7 year gap between me and the next one up, and 12 between me and the eldest, I got used to not being around kids my own age.
Never mind on “primary president” I noticed that you had that linked and (gasp!) followed it.
It is a position that kids look up to for certain. I’m not trying to put people in a box with it, just that it confused me and made the situation worse. A person teaching the Golden Rule but never lets you step foot in their house because you didn’t pick up toys is just…confusing to a 7-year-old.
“I don’t recall being real concerned about people liking me as I was growing up.”
I’m envious. And really, that is such a good thing. I am not really sure why it hits some of us harder than others, you know? And it’s not a consuming thing for me anymore. (It so was when I was a teenager, though).
But I can’t pretend it’s not around kicking my heiny from time-to-time. Old habits die hard, I guess.
I find that whenever I try to forget all the crap that was done to me as a child/teen the memories come back harder – which is a bitch to take in. I’ve tried to forget about them, telling myself that they happened in the past and I just have to let go but it never fails – the memories return eventually and I sit down and have to convince myself to let them go again. I know some people who can do this easily but I have to work at it.
I don’t understand why people do things like that to children/teens – I just don’t. The closest I’ve come to understanding is that some people are just not happy unless they are tearing down other people, they are just that unhappy with their lives.
I like people to like me too – and am always crushed when someone takes a hatred/dislike to me for no good reason.
M
ps: That woman really was a bitch – most kids don’t voluntarily clean up unless asked… Part of play dates is the mess to clean up afterwords as a Mom, it’s life with children. She was a snot and I gotta say so was the child too for pointing it out. Twirl on!
“most kids don’t voluntarily clean up unless asked… Part of play dates is the mess to clean up afterwords as a Mom, it’s life with children. ”
RIGHT?!
Sorry, but the most important one to please is yourself, to heck with the rest of ‘em.
We like you.
I realize that more and more as I get older. (And how to discern selfishness from proprietorial care) And I like my own company much more than I did before. (Man, I love being alone. Treasured time, that.)
Ok, after I posted my earlier comment, I had to go back and look up this family I mentioned. I couldn’t find the parents, but the daughter who was my age is now a physician and there are lots of reviews on the internet from her patients about how she is rude and dismissive.
Funny, that.
Advice from an older person: whether people approve or disapprove of you is more about them than you. I remember this bunch of pathetic losers who worked for my ex. They would sit around at Starbuck’s, judging the women who walked by. The women were always lacking. “Oh ho! She could stand to lose 10 pounds!” Meanwhile these jokers were slovenly, unkempt, and all a bit chunky themselves. Do I need to mention that none of them actually had real-life girlfriends?
Mother Teresa said “If you are busy judging people, you don’t have time left to love them.” You’ll notice that the loveliest people, those who have most to offer, don’t spend a lot of time getting involved in judgy drama. When is the last time you saw Karen Walrond or Jen Lemen bitching about how much they didn’t like someone? That’s because they are too busy making the world a nicer place.
I’m learning that. Some people just rarely give out that “nod”. Dunno why. You often hear the phrases “His approval was not easily given” or “She has high standards”.
Which are usually the people I work my ass off to please. People should NOT have to be a stream of approval for a never ending stream of neediness, but man…is it really that hard to vocalize or show that you appreciate and value what someone is and does?
It can be done in such small, easy ways I get confused by people who seem just as hell bent to keep it in as I am to get it.
Ugh.
I can be guilty of bitching about how much I dislike people from time to time but man…they have to work really hard to get there with me.
When you no longer need there approval, you will get it. And yes, it really is that simple.
OK…it’s past my bedtime
“their”
Love this – wonderful example!
Ouch! I am painfully sensitive like this also, and reading this dredged up some awful memories. But they really don’t bother me as much anymore, because I now feel compassion for the people who act that way. Forgiveness is powerful – maybe it’s time to forgive that woman who wasn’t perfect, and forgive yourself for feeling so bad.
As for that 100th person who doesn’t approve/like, it reminded me of the artists who deliberately add a flaw to their artwork. You live your life as an artist, when you find that judging person, thank them for relieving you of the burden of being perfect. They free you to move on and create for those that are transformed by your singing, your writing, your storytelling.
I have totally forgiven her. And I hold no ill-will or anger towards her. (I’m working on my Grandmother). But forgiveness doesn’t mean that you forget.
I don’t think of this event often, it’s just a good example of how embarrassed and inadequate I felt at the moment.
I need to let it not hamper me. I’ve gotten so much better but eliminating totally would be nice.
Oh Loralee! I am so there with you! I’m 28 years old and this year it finally dawned on me that I can take charge of my life! I don’t have to try to smash myself in a box and remold myself into what the dreaded “Them”(which includes my parents) tells me to be. I’m not created to be a lemming. I am created to have pizazz, kapow, and that little’ sumpin’ sumpin’ that makes me, ME. I’m not completely over it, by any means whatsoever, but realizing that *I* have the power to be me is a pretty kick A feeling. You’re awesome and I love you and I’d love to have a powerful voice as you do. One that lets you express opinion and love without bashing people over the head. I love your blog and I love getting a glimpse of your family life. You, my friend, are an amazing woman. Rock on, or maybe I should say, twirl on. (And that’s a really rad skirt! I lurve it.)
I had a YW President who was like that. Crushed me as a teen who wanted nothing more than to please everyone around me. I quit going to church and didn’t return until I went away to college. I’m so disappointed for the experiences that I missed out on. But ultimately, it was MY choice…I just wish I had been strong enough not to let her [misguided] judgements affect me.
Time to move on and realize that people who judge others – especially children – are miserable individuals who must find fault in others to make themselves feel more adequate.
TWIRL ON GIRL! TWIRL.
I loved this. I’m learning the same things and growing up too. If the people around us don’t like it (or us) that’s their problem, not ours. You rock.
Get your ruffle-butt on and twirl, woman.
It’s like I know you. Similar background, similar surroundings, but with the angst on the home front. Still there, too.
The similarities in your story makes me want to put my arms around you, both to hold you and shake you at the same time. What can make it so complicated is the ‘higher standard’ of living that some profess to live by, and, yet, in their judging of us fail to abide by. It’s not supposed to matter than anyone judges us, but, boy, does it ever anyway. Yuck!
FWIW, I can be pretty lousy with the needle and thread too. ;)
I love this comment so much I want to marry it.
(I want to hug and shake myself, too.)
@Loralee: Color me very flattered. Thank you.
(tries to picture Mongo in “ruffle butt” panties and a frilly crinoline … shudders)
I dunno, I think it could totally bring out the color of his eyes. :)
One might forgive Joe from time to time for his aberrant thoughts.
Sorry, Joe. There’s plenty of other weird s#!t on my BTDT list, but going ‘ruffle butt’ ain’t one of them.
I do have an assortment of lava-lava’s from my time in Polynesia, however. Very comfy. Even here in rainy Washington. :-)
Eyes: Blue
Well, Mongo, you just weren’t too clear on just WHAT the similarities were. :-)
I know what you mean about a lava-lava, or similar garments. Say a chitoniskos, or maybe a toga (wrapped properly, and the proper size). Of course, I spent a lot of time in the SCA wearing all sorts of clothing. And I’m pretty comfortable in my cassock too.
I hate it when I do something to post before I want to. This weekend I’ll be swathed in wool pants, long sleeved shirt, wool vest, and hat. In Fresno, where it is projected to be close to 100. Move slow, drink lots. Eat pickles. Come back smelling of camp fire and cannon smoke.
I know it doesn’t make it any easier to swallow, but you certainly aren’t the only one that has this story. I was always the weird kid, I wasn’t mormon and was told I wasn’t allowed to come over because of that, and other things that is my own story and I won’t share here :). But I am also known for seeming to not care what others think of me but inside I want so badly to be liked, so badly to be loved,and so badly to be approved. Meh.
ps. I finally found you singing on youtube.com. Thanks for sharing that with those of us who are curious. It was amazing. :)
Oh, I feel for you. And unfortunately in this state it happens. (By a minority but still…it does happen. I have worried about my own children and my husband and I are inactive, but so far it hasn’t been a problem.)
Thank you for the compliments on my voice. They are the shittiest recordings but glad you liked them. :)
You go, girl. I say twirl whenever and wherever you want.
This hit home – I’m also 36, and although I think I’m generally good at following my own internal compass to let me know if I’m “good enough,” I still find myself vulnerable to the occasional disapproval of others.
My elementary school music teacher hated me – hated all of my siblings, too. She is now my kids’ teacher, and is sweet as pie whenever I see her. (And is nice to my kids, I have to say.) I try to act like the confident adult I generally am around her, but inwardly I’m so tempted to tell her off and give her the finger. But nice Mormon ladies don’t do that….
I’m also in the Primary presidency in the ward. I truly love the kids, especially the wild ones, and this is a good reminder that what I’m doing makes a difference.
This is my first time commenting on your blog – I generally lurk – and it’s a doozy, so I’ll be quiet for a while. But thanks for sharing. I think you’re amazing, even though I’ve never heard you sing (but I would like to).
Isn’t that weird? I have heard stories time and again how a teacher can traumatize one kid but be great with their sibling. It is just odd. (And I like doozy comments. I am long winded.)
I so get what you are talking about! Great news though – my life changed a couple of months ago when I attened a forum through Landmark Education. I don’t know if you have ever heard of it but because of it I am free to be me and live life being truly happy! The things I discovered about myself has helped me let go of so much and I no longer need approval from anyone! Circumstances in my life haven’t changed, but how I now view them and deal with them are so much better! If you want to know more, email me – I’m not associated with this company in anyway – I just want to share this info because I want anyone who wants to listen to feel as great as I do – even through hard times! Thanks for always sharing your heart!
Why do girls always whine and bitch so much about their childhood? Does the fact that you had a hard time 30 YEARS AGO mean I have to feed your constant need for love and approval? That is not my problem and I am sick of society making it so.
So you had some tough times. Get over it.
This is a fair statement.
Bit insensitive, but fair.
And sounds like you have had some intriguing relationships with women over the years.
I don’t see myself as a constant stream of need, but I do seek approval too much from people who have difficulty giving it. It isn’t a wide spread desperation, here.
I realize that insecurity, need, etc. is on the shoulders of the person feeling that way. I know this is my issue and I am tired of dragging it along with me.
The statement may be fair but it’s also RUDE. Mom’s First Rule applies (“If you can’t say anything nice…”).
Hmmm….Mom’s first rule is “Take off those muddy shoes before you step into the house!” Followed closely by “If you are going to (fight, throw that around, wrestle, etc), go outside!”
I would say that the comment was “abrupt” or “blunt” which any mores is seen as the same as “rude.”
I would suggest that Anonymouse hit a saturation point, note the comment That is not my problem and I am sick of society making it so. I think he may have misread, or misunderstood, where Miss Loralee was coming from with her comments, but I agree with the general direction of his comment. OK, so your g’g'g’g’ grandfather was sold to Arab slavers by his tribe, and they in turn sold him to some New Englanders who then sold him in Charleston, where, after 20 years he bought himself free and opened a dry goods store. What does that have to do with you not applying yourself in school and getting an education now?
I love that gentlemen hang around here. :) xo
Who? Anonymouse? Yeah, from what I have seen. Sometimes a bit of a curmudgeon, but heck, I can be too.
So more ruminating about a new revelation rather than whining. I can dig it. I have moments like that myself – Hey! THAT’S why I do G when K happens.
Correct, Sir. Just because people were mean to her back in the time of Jesus’ sandals does not justify putting her issues onto other people.
I may be blunt but I am never rude.
I would probably feel more agreeable if you didn’t seem to completely ignore the fact that didn’t just write to whine. I wrote because I realize it is something I still do and would like to change that.
Writing is catharsis for me. I would love to just wave a magic wand and square it all away instantly but it takes time to learn and unlearn behavior and reaction.
I am guessing that it took you some time to become this abrasive on this matter, right?
Blunt in some circles is rude in others. Long time dilemma. :)
I dunno. It seems rude to me – like the person is going out of their way to be rude. There are ways to foster discussion, and saying “You always…” isn’t a way to do it.
Feelings like this post usually hide a monster of need. It doesn’t seem like a big deal until you probe further and then the freak flag is in your face and you see that those moments of need are really the size of a monster. A monster that is unleashed on innocent people as if it is their duty to slay it for you. Problem is that that is an unkillable beast and it takes everyone down with you. It isn’t anyone’s responsibility to make you feel loved or accepted.
I’m not a monster of need. Can we just agree that you don’t know me, I’ve taken your words to heed, and move on?
Anonymouse -I think you are at, or maybe just over the line, sir.
I’d be more willing pay attention to the points of Ms. Mouse if
A) he/she had left a name.
OR
B) spelled “anonymous” correctly.
Now I just feel the need to poke fun.
I <3′d you on Twitter. xo
It is a Naval term. I know how to spell. And I didn’t read anywhere that anonymous comments were not allowed on this site. If the authoress or her readers cannot take critique and honesty she is in the wrong business.
Sounds like anonymouse needs a hug or two. Sorry life sucked so much for you, ‘mouse. Maybe you should have had more cheese, ‘mouse.
Loralee, I get the point of your post. You made it out OK. There’s a lot of people who talk a mean streak when it comes to religion but don’t have the ass to back it up. You and I are the real kind: we live it.
Tough to forgive a grandmother, but necessary. Her life was hers to live and she paid the price to Him in the end for it. We only have to worry about our price.
I just wasted much of my time on women like this. Perhaps it has left me the cynical one but I tire of people who can’t take responsibility for themselves.
Dear anon, I’m sorry you wasted time. I wonder if the women you mention feel the same? Personally, I find Loralee’s vulnerabilities, and her honest discussion of them to be refreshing. We all have certain little inner demons locked away inside. (You have kind of curious about yours) Her sharing them with those of us who VOLUNTARILY frequent her site, allows many of us to both recognize, and understand some of our own hangups. Those two steps are required before you can actually address issues, and deal with them. Some day we will find a blogger who like Mary Poppins, is practically perfect in every way, but until then, we must just go ahead and settle for those who aren’t named Jesus Christ, but answer to “normal, real person.”
p.s. I really should proofread before posting. “You have kind of MADE ME curious about yours.”
Why is it the only things that pop out to me from Anonymouse’s statement … are
Mouse. Whine. Bitch …
personally I think you should don a ruffle butt every night …
bet your husband thinks so too ….
I know EXACTLY how this feels. It’s amazing how one can accomplish so much in one’s lifetime and still yearn for what is essentially a stranger’s approval. You know what, talk to people who knew her then and are willing to be honest and they’ll probably tell you she was a B then and is a B now.
I’m glad to hear of the empathy. Obviously, I’m in good company. :)
My response to you and to “Anonymous”:
Our experiences shape who we are and who we become. And that’s part of why we write about them. I didn’t read anywhere in there that this woman scarred you for life. To me, much like my own experiences, it’s a reminder that the smallest of actions can sometimes have the biggest of impacts, especially to children. The woman you spoke of sounded like she was simply not nice. Which coincidentally is how I feel about your commenter above.
I still abide by my mother’s golden rule: If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Excellent comment. And are we not allowed to write about our past hurts without being accused of having a “constant need for love and approval”? I love the discussion here, so for what it’s worth, that woman’s pissy attitude has inspired all of us to dig into our own pasts a little bit and see how we have grown and where we need to go. Isn’t that the point of blogging?
I’m a man and I am giving my opinion from the other side. People can write about there hurts [she can write about anything she wants, just as I can comment and observe what I want as well]. If she wrote that she was hurt but realized at, say, 18 that it was time to move on and that she realized trying to ‘force’ people into giving you what you need to feel whole is parasitic and was happy and great at 36, I would not have spoken up. It is unfair to drag someone into your black hole of little girl damage. 36 [36!] is long out of the school yard years.
Mouse, you ain’t gonna win this one. Sorry your ex sucked so bad. Glad YOU picked her, not me.
Right…it rears it’s head occasionally. Doesn’t mean I’m a soul-sucking vampire of need.
I had a fourth grade teacher who was so terrible that my classmates and I STILL talk about her when we all get together. My little brother had her as well and put off going to college for over 10 years because he was haunted by her telling him he was stupid.
I think adults often don’t realize the power they have when it comes to influencing kids for a lifetime. I hope you’re finally able to leave that awful woman in the past.
Thanks for sharing. A good reminder of just how powerful our actions (even the small ones) can be. My heartstrings were pulled on in reading this as I feel that all children should be loved and accepted for who they are, and their hopes and dreams should be encouraged not destroyed.
I somehow was blessed as a child with the knowledge that whatever I am is good enough for me and others will have to deal with that. Negative experiences are just thrown away with the garbage as I move forward with a smile! I choose to be happy!
I am glad that you are twirling once again! As for “anonymous” Who? He and his comments are already long forgotten!
i felt some old anxiety creep up on me as i read this post. i hate that any adult would treat a child that way. i hate when mormons act exclusionary as opposed to including(which is what Christ would do, right?). that she rejected the flowers just pisses me off. i know its so far in the past, but i want to just go shake her right now! sigh.
Oh, I have felt that same way. The summer I was 20 I worked as a missionary at a church in another state. I was gone for a month and it was the first time I had left my family for more than a week. My boyfriend (who is now my husband) and I had also decided to take a break and not talk at all that month. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done to this day. I was visibly homesick, but I worked with children all day and I tried to keep a smile on my face and hide how lonely I was.
One night at a cook out, I got really, really sick. I spent the rest of the evening in the bathroom vomiting. The next morning at church the lady who was over the program told me that I was very rude to the host and hostess of the party. I know she thought I was just being a baby. It still kind of hurts me to think about because I’m such a people pleaser. UGH.
I would have loved your lilacs…
I will totally bring you some. :)
The thing that is so truly charming about you, Loralee, is that you have NO IDEA how many people would just die for YOUR approval.
Never thought of it that way, Lou. You have really given me something to chew on here. xo
Oh…I am right there with you girl! There are certain people that I can’t get a good vibe from, either, no matter how hard I try! And I dont’ want to care what the h*@! they think, but deep down I do. And it bugs me and I have a hard time not thinking about it. I know it’s dumb and that they may not even know the way they come across to me. Or even care. So why do I? A vicious, frustrating cycle, indeed!
For what it’s worth, I think YOU ROCK and that Mom doesn’t know what she was missing! ;)
I feel you Loralee. I see two things with your story: 1. I don’t understand how people just don’t like people, and can pass that dislike onto children, who are by nature innocent. 2. Why does it seem that some people in religious capacities can be so ungodly? These are the religious leaders that, in my opinion, provide the complete and full example of a hypocrite.
I was a sensitive fellow in my younger years, wanting everyone’s liking and acceptance. It would always bother me that someone just didn’t like me. I still find this weird since I’m such a likable guy, ya know! As I have gotten older, and wiser (37) ;) I have realized that there is a lot of ignorance out there, a lot of narrow mindedness, and a lot of self-centered characters. It’s easier for me now since I found great people and life lasting friends (fortunately dating back to middle-school) to ignore the ignorant, and actually forget the negative vibe they emit. So, the symbolism needs to change: the grimy sesame street band-aid should remind you of the person who put it on you, and the grubby lilacs should remind you of the smell of spring’s beginnings, or someone else you may have picked them for. I love lilacs, simply my favorite and last way too short for my liking.
@–>— It’s a rose. :)
Ms. Lora Lee, Ma’am,
You are quite right, memories of mean people hurt little children long after they grow up.
Memories of loving people strengthen them for a life time.
That is why it is essential to be kind and loving to little children. And kind and gracious to the rest of humanity, if they will let you.
Never forget, God loves you and your family. And you’ve got killer fans. Trained (and no few experienced,)killer fans.;-)
Now blow your nose and wipe your eyes and go out and do what you do best, be a good mother and wife and sing praises to God, who gave you beauty and talent, a husband who loves you, and adorable kids, a home and the good sense to treasure them all.
“Illigitimi non carborundum” (NAVSPEAK:Don’t let the bastards grind you down.) Miserable people are in misery, and misery loves company. Don’t play their game. With them, play keep away.
vty/Gramps
I need a tshirt with Illigitimi non carbourndum on it, Grandpa.
And excellent advice.
And can I just say that one of my favorite things about piping up on Lex’s site is the instant pack of gentlemanly Knights in Shining Armor, I seem to have acquired over here. (LOL—I may be a “Lex Babe” but y’all are “Loralee’s Knights”!)
It’s quite lovely. :)
Loralee, Grandpa is the smartest man I know. One day I’m going to buy him a beer or three and spend some time listening to him.
A “Knight”? Me? Nah, I’m just an old yardbird who has to watch his language around the ladies ;)
Loralee – I think we are sisters separated at birth (and by 11 years). I didn’t have a friend with a family such as you described. It was my own family.
Caused me years of torment; poor self esteem and a desire to please that was so bad I completely sublimated myself to the will of others – to my own enormous detriment.
At age 47 I have finally broken free from the mind-numbing, heart-breaking grip of my family. It’s been painful in ways that words can’t describe. And more liberating than I ever thought possible.
I’m twirling too.
Kris, it’s been a couple days since I read your Noodle post. http://www.noodlingonit.com/journal/2010/9/18/the-weekly-muse.html
I immediately thought of it when I first read this post of Loralee’s. Twirlie girlies rock.
Makes me appreciate having grown up in a rural area. Rural school, rural chores, the whole thing. And every other parent was like another Mom and Dad. Whoever was the closest parents took responsibility for the whole group of us as we wandered around the country-side doing what country kids did to work or kill time. The downside to that was we couldn’t get away with anything because there were too many of our “parents”, real and extended, keeping their loving eyes on all us. Kinda like having 50 brothers and sisters and 25 or 30 sets of parents. But a very loving and great way to grow up.
As for you, Loralee. . . .don’t let them get you down. I think you’ve turned out just great. Those that ‘nod’, bless ‘em. . . .those that don’t, the. . . .uhhhh. . . .heck with them.
Keep twirling!
And BTW, Anonymouse was a jerk, as well as making a complete a** of himself. It’s one thing to disagree with a blog. . .but no reason to go out of one’s way to be rude about it. Ignore him.
Loralee, you are not alone in this. My husband is often reminding me that it just doesn’t matter what other people think of me or us. It often hurts my feelings that I have no friends in the ward or neighborhood, no matter how much I try, have families over, put together date nights etc. I’d love to get nods but sometimes, it just isn’t going to happen. So, I agree with Feast – Twirl on :)
We are ALL human, and have had these feelings at one time or another…and while on or off the roller coaster, have a need to share them…thank you for sharing yours, so I don’t have to share mine… all twirling is therapeutic at this point!
Right there with you. I was seriously overweight as a kid, too, and constantly berated for not being “as smart” as my older sister. That’s a lethal combination for a young boy in the South in the 60s! I spent far too many years chasing ghosts trying to get approval before finally realizing it was all futile, but not before wrecking my body and too many relationships along the way. I would dare say a lot of high-speed action types are in this same boat, always trying to prove themselves to someone who isn’t even there anymore.
By the way, my wife, The Recovering Debutant, is a lot like you, especially in this regard, and laughed out loud when I read her the “ruffle-butt” quote!
That woman was a sorry, mean excuse for a human being, and her behavior was unacceptable. I don’t care what position she held in the church, it was no way to treat a child, and there was no excuse for it.
When my brother was 5 years old, he had a kindergarten teacher who happened to dislike my parents’ religion. Because of her dislike, anytime anything of a religious nature came up, she would punish my brother – by making him sit in a corner, or outside the classroom on the “naughty chair.” My baby brother would sit in that chair for an hour, while kids in the higher grades would walk by and taunt him for being “bad.”
It ruined my brother’s experience of school. Forever. Let me rephrase: That woman ruined my brother’s experience of school, forever.
Here’s what should have happened: My parents should have complained to anyone and everyone who would listen. They should have pulled him out of that class and driven him to another school if necessary. They should have gotten her fired. Anything. But instead this nasty, rotten woman was allowed to abuse and humiliate my brother.
This is the same thing that happened to you, and there is NO EXCUSE for it. It has nothing to do with an adult “not liking you,” adults are supposed to be mature enough to be kind and fair, even if they don’t have a particular affinity for a child.
As far as “getting over it,” that’s just bullcrap. This rotten excuse for a woman directed this hate toward you during your FORMATIVE YEARS. Her hate had a hand in FORMING YOUR PERSONALITY. As an adult you can choose to recognize these things, and choose to move forward, but I do not believe we ever “get over” the pains that people inflict on us when we are little. If we’re very lucky, we adapt to the scars they form.
I’m a bodyworker by trade. My specialty is scar tissue and injury. In a serious sports injury, it is motion that creates a functional scar. Sometimes the scar heals in a dysfunctional way. The treatment is to finesse the scar to realign by gentle, applied manual techniques, followed by firm but gentle directed motion. But the fact is, the scar never goes away. It can, however, be redirected and remodeled so that it doesn’t pull on things that hurt. However, in order to treat the problem, the scar tissue has to be located, the specific motions that reproduce the pain must be identified, and only then can it become functional scarring.
I believe it’s an apt analogy.
I’ve been reading your blog a long time. I have to say that sometimes I can’t believe the abuse you receive in your comments. Even more than that, I can’t believe how “fair” you try to be to the abusive commenters. I can’t help but wonder how this “fairness” is serving you. Maybe it is, but maybe it’s just more of the same scar tissue causing you to try to find some way to mollify people who will never approve of you.
For the record, I think you’re doing fine.
This post makes me want to list all the stories I know like this (like the horrible teacher that told my grandfather that he couldn’t sing, so that even when he was 70, we had to sneak up on him singing to himself in the basement just to hear his gorgeous voice), and then I want to sit everyone in front of them with their eyelids propped open with toothpicks, and beat them over the heads with it until they GET IT.
The part that really kills me is that no amount of the rest of us arguing with that voice will ever erase it. It’s infurating.
I loved the blog entry. I read you often and laugh a lot, but this particular entry stuck me. Don’t focus on the few party poopers… twirl!
Age changes many things…including views. You are closer to your perfection than you realize.
What once was the most important thing in the world suddenly seems trivial.
Like to chew???? Here’s a mouthful…and it is experience speaking. Take pride in the dance, laughter and play…because THAT is the life in living.
Memories, love and life-changing experience are always in the eyes everyone longingly looks past. There is only one thing that changes the dark eyes across the room. And that is self acceptance. When you truely love and accept yourself, they simply disappear.
Love the dance
Love the rhyme
Love the rythm
Love the song
Nothing else matters.
Glow brightly…and you will be loved.
Twirl is right.
I really appreciated the comment a little above me from the woman whose brother had his experience with school ruined by a bad teacher. It’s a terribly sad story–and I could identify, some.
My fourth grade teacher was so unwilling to accept my not-fitting-in-a-box-ness that I went to a different school the next year, and for some time, thought that I didn’t want to go to college, because, my goodness, that was more school!
Happy ending: I *did* go to college, and got my BA in five years. ;)
But yeah–teachers and the like have so much influence on children. Terribly annoying when they don’t wield that power well.
So, yeah: twirl away. We all need more twirling. ;p
I read this post back when you first wrote it, and it must have stuck to me somewhere because when I was called to be primary president around 9 months ago, your experience was one that I often had a hard time getting out of my head. Today I decided to come back and read it fresh, just so I wasn’t going off a two-year memory of an essay that I just glanced over during a time when it didn’t apply to me so much as it does now. (how’s THAT for a run-on sentence?)
At any rate, thank you for writing this. Children don’t usually know or understand the whys of everything or even most things, but it’s obvious that they are generally quite keenly aware of how they feel, and doing all that I can do so that none of “my” kids ever have an experience with my home and family like you did is one of my guiding stars as I sometimes muddle through what for me, is a pretty challenging assignment.
(Sorry for the poor writing–run-on sentences are the bane of my existence!)