Happiness is a choice.
How many of you have heard that statement in your life?
How many of you agree with it?
How many of you hear that and want to take whoever authored those words and toss them hog tied in a pile of fire ants with honey over all their sensitive bits?
Yeah.
I hear you on that.
I have often (usually while in a period of life suck) heard these words and just wanted to bitchslap the person who came up with it. Because sometimes if feels like the legitimate loss or sad or suck is not being acknowledge but brushed aside in a “just get over it already” sort of way. If I am not in an open state of mind, someone coming in and telling me about the lemonade that can be made from the lemons in front of me can rankle, piss me off and sometimes makes me want to stubbornly hold on to my bad feeling and mood. (I’m lame like that. Trying really hard to work on it, though.)
But….
At its core, I agree with it.
Unhappiness can come from many places. Some are from really bad life choices (hi, I am an expert at this one) and many things that happen in life are simply out of our hands (I’m pretty well versed in this one, too.). So many things are beyond a person’s control. Sometimes the universe just rains horrible, unfair shite down on people.
No one is special enough to escape it.
There are periods in everyone’s life where depression, sorrow, pain and suffering JUST ARE.
And they are meant to be experienced.
Mourned and dealt with and recognized.
Not glossed over.
It’s not human to be happy or pretend to be happy all the time . But, I am not sure that is what the person really meant when they said that happiness is a choice. (Mainly because I am betting they are not stupid as all holy hell.)
Because humans are not meant to be sad and depressed and miserable all the time, either.
Men are that they might have joy.
I think that like anything, happiness is an average.
I learned that sometimes when you are in the midst of life suck and it is hard to find anything good, you should, no–you MUST–find happiness in things big and small to survive and get back to a place of well-being.
Which is the point of the opening statement. For the most part, you have the choice to react to life how you will. You have the choice to MAKE yourself focus on the good. I will full on admit that a whole lot of the time I CHOOSE to say “SUCK IT, WORLD!” and curl in the fetal position with tissues and throw chocolate at myself and drown in the depths.
But more often than not I pull out of it and consciously choose to try to move on past the sad and the ick to the best of my ability. And often my best is not so stellar, but I try. I try to look at the positive and the happy, even if it has to start off seeing the good in very small things.
I’ve done this a lot over the years.
The first time that I really remember being highly aware of it was when I was when I was still a teenager. I was on summer break and I was far away from home to perform in a choir concert and also visit my boyfriend who lived out of state. The day I arrived there I found out one of the best friends I ever had died waiting for a heart/lung transplant.
It was the worst loss I’d ever had at that point. I couldn’t change my trip and it was an awful, useless feeling to be so far away during such tragedy.
I was so sad.
Then, on the day of his funeral, my boyfriend drove me to a hayfield and broke up with me. I don’t really know how I didn’t see it coming and from an adult point-of-view, it made total sense. He wasn’t trying to be hurtful but long distance relationships are difficult for grown ups to pull off, let alone two kids with college and lives in front of them.
Still, it was an awful night.
But then, something happened. I sat there in that car, by that hayfield, trying desperately not to cry, when something caught my eye.
A flash.
Then another.
And another.
I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before, but that hayfield was filled with THOUSANDS of fireflies.
Living in Utah, I’d never seen them before.
They were magical.
And in that moment, while the boy I loved kept talking about how we were jut not meant to be, I focused my eyes and attention on the dancing fairy lights in front of me. And even though my heart was breaking, those fireflies made me feel…better.
Such a small thing, but I latched on to it and was comforted in the knowledge that good things can coexist with bad and difficult things.
I’ve thought about those fireflies a lot over the years and I’ve never forgotten the lesson in it, even if it takes a bit for me to remember in the harder times.
As if you couldn’t tell, I’m in a bit of an “UGH” place.
Some of you know some of it, most of you know none of it and nobody but me knows it all. Some things aren’t “bad” just stressful, but man a few are just kicking my butt with suckitbucket blarg-ness.
To complicate matters, it’s that time of year again.
Every year I try not to dwell or overly talk about it but every start of the school year I am just sad. I think what grade my Matthew, my “Little Bug” would be in had he lived longer than his short but magical burst of life. I envy the parents of other 1st graders and wish he could be amongst them.
It probably would just be a moment for me, but his little life was SO tied to the start of school. I was the PO President at the time and it was a huge part of our lives, what we did. His funeral was the day the PO Fall Festival. And then he died within the month so I have his anniversary to grapple with.
Autumn is just hard.
I try not to set myself up to hurt and dwell but this time of year is difficult. Some years are easier than others but it is always difficult. There is always a sense of melancholy and loss mixed in with everything. The change of the season used to bring me great joy. I loved seeing the colors and the earth change. It meant cocoa and sweaters and holidays.
Now, fall means Matthew.
Even the air hurts to smell.
And when other things fall apart on me this time of year, it just makes it harder. It’s been a sucktastic few weeks–some of it my fault, some of it not.
But I don’t relish being sad. I am at heart, a good-natured person that loves to smile and laugh. I’ve been down and sad long enough and I don’t need it to keep building and wallowing in it. I’ve cried and examined and worn my PJs 2 days in a row.
I had my time to mourn.
It’s time to look for the good.
So, I am starting.
RIGHT NOW.
(My kids are a given TOP OF THE LIST, people.)
10 THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY.
1. Diet Coke. Again, I know. I love this a bit too much, but damn—it’s my best friend if you want to know the truth of it. It’ s a problem. I get up in the morning and go and get my first of the day. Consider it like a Starbucks run. Hey, I was Mormon-raised. You would be shocked how many people start their day with caffeinated soda in this state. I fully expect a group of people to jump out at me during one of my gas station runs with a camera crew to learn that I’ve been put on some Intervention-type-show. (For the record? No. Just…NO.) But still, everything about it makes me tickled with glee, so on the list it goes.
2. My job. Both blogging and the ‘real’ gig. I don’t know how I got by before blogging or working at my other job before. I LOVE my work. It is fascinating, fun, challenging and just lights me up with happy.
Even when ick things happen, over all my work makes me light up inside like a Christmas tree, people.
It’s impossible to be down when talking with my boss, Jo (this the only photo I have of us, weirdly) or working at the office. We’ve had so man fun adventures together already.
It’s really helped me to have work to focus on lately and I am unendingly grateful for it. I went down to the office early Saturday with my beloved Praire Mama to spend the day with a everyone to make table cloths and napkin holders for The Creative Connection Event in 2 weeks.
They got me to craft (sewing a button on is crafting, right? Even if it’s with air dried hair and no make on, right?). UNBELIEVABLE.
I had so much fun.
I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
3. BUTTERLUMP. I know, I know…I already mentioned my children but seriously, there is something about babies (especially one as rad and super cute as my little pat of butter) that makes me incredibly happy.
Every. freaking. thing. he. does. makes my heart sing.
4. Speaking of SINGING, yeah. That. Music always makes me feel better. ALWAYS. (Well, unless I’m caught dorking out to a tune on a work break by my kids with their camera phones. Still, it’s pretty accurate. Heh.) And I am starting rehearsals on Sept. 1st for the choir I am in and am looking forward to it. Music heals the soul.
5. MITTENS. Especially when they are made of soft, soft wool and hand knit by a dear, dear friend. :)
6. Speaking of friends…FRIENDS. I love that I can go to any city and have people I know to grab a meal and have some fun with. It’s comforting.
It’s especially if you have friends that come over and make deep fried Snickers bars with you. :)
7. Driving in my car with the radio on (usually to get aforementioned dark, carbonated waters of awesomeness that is number one on this list) I have come to CHERISH my time driving in my car. Which is saying a lot considering the state of my vehicle. Remember when it got hit by one jerk of a hit-and-run driver?
Yeah, that time.
It’s STILL not fixed. There are many reasons for that, but most of them come down to the distance of my house from the nearest VW mechanic and the cost to fix it. Seriously, IT IS INSANE how expensive it is. Thinking about the many thousands of dollars I have put into this car fixing it, I probably would have been cheaper to order a mail order bride from Russia or Thailand and just ride them around town.
Seriously.
But, I dig driving and listening to music. It’s my “alone time”. I drive with the radio on and think, problem solve, sing along to music and probably speed to often. (It’s a weakness when a catchy tune comes on. I’ve got a bit of a lead foot.)
8. Television. I know. So many people hate and loathe it, but I. love. television. I love watching everything from reality TV (OMG! Danielle got fired from Real Housewives New Jersey! What ever will we do without her utterly scary-crazy psychopath presence?) to The History and Military Channel, prime time shows, summer cable series, and Mystery! on PBS. (Especially Mystery! It takes me to my happy place.)
9. CARBS OF GOODNESS:
Like THESE:
And the NUMBER ONE CARB OF GOODNESS OF ALL FREAKING TIME?
Behold…THE THIN MINT GIRL SCOUT COOKIE (And there was much rejoicing in the land. How long is it until Girl Scout cookie season again???)
10. Being spontaneous. Especially if it means crossing an item off your ‘Bucket List”. I’ve always wanted to drive to the airport, hop on a plane and go somewhere with no planning, and no packing. Just purchase what you need when you get there. Well, I didn’t do exactly that, but I had to go to Salt Lake for work suddenly and I asked Jonathan if we could just get away and spend the night at a hotel.
Shockingly, he agreed.
We packed tooth brushes, squared babysitting away for our kids and decided we’d buy everything else we needed down there. (We don’t shop a lot and it was time to get a few new things.) I got my work obligations fulfilled, we shopped, we ate a great dinner and checked into the hotel to get ready to have a night on the town.
My husband is one of the few men out there capeable of making 5’8 me feel TINY.
We had a blast.
I went to my first ever dueling piano bar full of funny people and fire fighters.
And when I tweeted I was there, a person I’ve followed forever on Twitter (and who is HILARIOUS) came down to introduce himself. It was fun for Jonathan because he usually doesn’t get to meet people in my world. Plus, I think he was just a little impressed that someone would drag themselves down to a club just to meet his wife.
It was just a great time.
I love being spontaneous. It can be one of the best things about me. (At times. ;P)
And ya know…if all else on the list fails I always have THIS.
Because, really?
It just makes me ridiculously happy.
And that is the whole point here, right?
I have been at this place and given myself this type of pep talk many times in my life. I am sure that I will likely continue to pick myself up and find the happy but then stumble, fall or be shoved back into the hole. I imagine I will have to pick myself up again and again and again through the years.
But to me, it is worth it.
Trying to find joy is worth it.
Big things or small, I’m grateful for what happiness I can get on this earth.
Even if it’s just a little bug that lights up the world for a moment.
Especially then.
:)
I never, ever, want to live in a world without Thin Mints.
You and me both.
Reading your blog when you’re happy makes me happy.
Are those my boxes of stashed-away Thin Mints you’re holding? Next time you’re having deep-fried Snickers bars, please, oh please, invite me!
Getting through the suck makes the good times, diet coke, fireflies, butterlump and flying Hasselhoff all the sweeter. Mmmmmm…thin mints….
If it wasn’t for all the ‘down’ times – the sadness, depression and ‘suck’ – we would have no idea what ‘Happy’ felt like.
We need both.
I love how you combined 2 things in your post and felt better in the end. Here’s hoping the crap stuff finally leaves you be for a long bit AND more importantly they never stop making diet coke!
For me it’s Pepsi but I am so there with you – they make the stuff illegal and I will totally become an addict.
M
There is a difference between happiness and contentment. Happiness comes and goes, contentment can be there even when sadness is present. And yes, grief, sadness, mourning should be acknowledged more. They are valid emotions too.
That being said – Thin Mints are the nectar of the gods! I buy tons and keep them in my freezer for year round snacking. I just opened a box yesterday.
We all get our share of ick, but it really is a beautiful, wonderful world. Thanks for sharing. And, really, who could watch the Hoff and not smile?
What a moving, joyful post! I have started keeping a gratitude journal, where I write down at least 3 things I am grateful for everyday. It reminds me to appreciate the small things that make me happy. Butterlump is such a cutie, and like you, I love my two kids, but there is something about my 2 1/2 year old girl that makes my heart sing. And I get to enjoy another baby very soon (my EDD is September 16), so I will have even more joy in my life. Thank you for posting this.
oh my dear, I could not agree with you more That description of the Fireflies so resonated with me. So beautifully written.
Sometimes, I wonder if I can handle it when all the shiite is poured on top of me at the same time. At first i feel very sorry for me but then there does come a time when I realize that my mood,my outlook is entirely up to me and I love that b/c I know that at least I have some choice in the matter
Your post made me happy.
I needed your pep talk (even though I know you wrote it for you)! I love your blog Loralee and I NEEDED this post today! Thank you!!!
I don’t believe that you posted a video of the Hof with two weiner dogs. And I watched it. It’s hard to see him without picturing red shorts and big boobs on his arm. (well, sorry, not all the Baywatch girls were like Pammy)
Loralee,
I loved (scratch that) LIKED working with you the other day. Did not know when I was loving that you were holding out on thin mints.
My dad used to tell me that happiness was a choice. I agree, to an extent. I think we can absolutely affect how accessible happiness is to ourselves and work to make life suck less, which results in a surprising amount of happiness.
That’s why I have GraceInSmallThings.com. It reminds me about things like your fireflies when I find it hard to remember.
I’m glad you have good things to look to. I have no idea what’s going on with you, but I hope it eases up for you soon. And that some fireflies come your way again when things get hard.
1. Cannot …live…without…Diet Coke!!
2. Love carbs in all forms :)
3. Once, we went to Miami to go to the Horse track and wound up in the Bahamas. Nothing but the clothes on our backs. It was so much fun! Such a great adventure-you guys definitely need to it just once for fun!
This is a great post Loralee! In my darkest time of life, I started my happy list… it’s ridiculously long but it was very healing to me then. I’m glad you posted one today! Also, in regards to that Hoff video… it borders on offensive how insanely STUPID it is. I’m so embarassed for him! But thank you for posting it. It will help me to know in hard times that at least I’ll never be as ridiculous as that guy!
Loralee, I loved this post. So, so true. There are plenty of things that can and do make us sad, but there are a lot of little things that can cheer us up. :)
Ah yes, the new year of school, always tempered with the memories. Suckish, horribly sad memories. I have had a lot on my plate lately and I am taking things one bite at a time. It’s the only way to conquer it. AND, I found myself in “that” scary place late the other night. It has been a while since true depression has hit. It returns; I am on increased medication.
But it is absolutely true that life is what you choose. 9/10 days I am able to find joy and my own fireflies, but on that one day when I can’t, I read the journal I keep every day and I am reminded that I can do this, one foot in front of the other. So it was with cancer, so it is with this. Especially the fall. Forever the fall.
Life without sorrow has not it’s earned joy. I am willing to take the bad days with the hope and support and the knowledge that tomorrow is another day….and there’s always diet coke in the fridge! ;-)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
XXOO
You sound good.
Really good.
And I’m so glad!
PS: I gave up Diet Coke for 2 weeks and it was a dark, dark time. But never fear, I’m back and vow to never leave again.
I love that there is a bowl of fruit lurking behind all of your awesome carbs. :)
You always make me think so many things…
In response to “Happiness is a Choice.” I agree.
Now there are times in a life when there is no choice but sadness. Death, divorce, financial catastrophe, health disasters…there are times when life just SUCKS and you get to be sad in new definitions of the word. Because there is such a thing as the world getting the better of you and feelings too big to think into submission.
But I also think that we have a collective “angst” issue. We think that in order to be deep, interesting, creative…we must be full of deep, dark feelings. I’ve seen it in myself, I’ve seen it in friends I love dearly. “How are you doing?” We don’t want to answer “fine.” For god’s sake, ANYTHING but fine. Fine is BORING. (Remember that line in The Fantastiks? “Please God…don’t let me be….normal!”)
I think we equate depth of feeling with darkness of feeling and we have lost the ability to celebrate being content, being happy, feeling joy. We have decided that those are Pollyanna views that are naive and one-dimensional.
And if we believe that, how could we ever CHOOSE to be happy? That would mean choosing shallowness, choosing banality.
I don’t want us to think that any more. I want us to realize that the most interesting, most enchanting people are those who can love in a thousand different directions, those who can see the power of the world in the smallest things, those who know they will accomplish the greatest things if they see the world and their lives as things to be LIVED and CELEBRATED.
See how much you make me think?
Well, I guess I think all the time…
See how much you make me write?
I’m too wordy. ;)
(Singing: I’m…too wordy for this blog…too wordy for this blog, so wordy!)
I’m so glad the mittens make you happy! You deserve all the happy you can get… but as someone said above sometimes there is nothing out there to chose from but sadness. I have so much respect for you for continuing on, even in those dark hours. This post is a great reminder to all those out there having hard times that there are little joys in life and it will get better.
Big hugs!!
The Hoff!!!!!!!! And you’re right he would make anyone happy.
Hang in there. And my prayers are with you and your family.
This post resonates in a big way. For me it is spring and Dr. Pepper and thunderstorms and a 4 pound 7 ounce bundle of joy that only lived for two hours after his birth. My grief is only six months new. So, I am still searching for happy right now. I don’t have to search everyday anymore. I guess I have spent a great deal of time lately looking for my happy place, so I am finding it slowly. If that makes any sense at all.
I hopped over from PW tonight just doing a little blog surfing and read this post. It hit home I guess.
You made me hurt and then you made me smile. I get it. I really do and I think you have the key to a long life. You have to find the good in the bad or the bad will eat you alive.
As far as the car singing and the radio. I love it. Its no more Dan Zanes and HSM music and whatever I want to sing like the next American Idol time for me. I rock in my car… when I am alone.
I’ve read a lot of your blog without commenting (I can admit I’m a little intimidated), but this is my favoritest post ever. I too have had a hard time lately and have been working on finding the good in things. Your list made me smile, so thank you! :)
Lemonade is delicious, but sometimes it’s nice to just throw the lemons at random shit and break it to bits.
*ahem*
What? I said SOMETIMES.
1) When I see the bumper stickers that say “No Bad Days” I want to spit on the car. Because, yes there are bad days, and I don’t like feeling bad for feeling bad everyone once in awhile. And the good days, which are more frequent and wonderful, don’t have meaning without the bad days.
2) Music, Friends and Reality TV, what would I do without them?
3) The Hoff. Nuff Said.
Thanks for this post.
OMG – David Hasselhoff in a great big giant eskimo whatever-the-heck-that-is costume? RAD.
I’ve been in a funk, too, and have decided I need to write me some “things I like” posts. Great minds… :) (‘cept my diet coke needs to be CHERRY.)
All good stories and how we truly feel.
Diet Coke A+ definetely a “happything” mine is Coke Classic.
Agree! Easy to read and helpful for those times when we are trying to pull back to “up”! and get re-centered. =D
Visit us on Facebook @ happythings.org. Together we can
promote and share one another’s site and articles. Lots of people searching to be happy! we can work together on giving them some good links and resources.
Do I have your permission to feature your site on “happythings.org” as a resource/product/reference/recommendation?
Let me know! Be well, be happy, be you! <3
Best regards,
Susanna von Holstein Tronieri Bott
Glad to find this Happy Things post. I’ve been reading back through your blog a bit to catch up the last day.
I’ve had some tough times lately, so I’ve been searching for happy again, myself–usually I’m pretty ray-of-sunshine gal.
Love Thin Mints. The idea of having them in the freezer year-round makes me want a chest freezer!
On your carb list, I don’t buy a ton of ‘junk’ food, but I do love Fritos! :P (Or the Trader Joe’s brand.)
Heee. *hugs*
I stumbled upon your website and kept reading story to story to stpry because they were good, and then I came upon this post. I have been in my own “ugh” stage for about a week now. My father died a few years ago and I’m still quite young. I try my best to be my normal self this time of year but the pressure and in fighting in my family has broken me down. After having a meltdown at the dinner table on new years day (also my fiancee’s birthday) I have been sitting here just trying to figure out how to get past those times when I just can’t seem to make myself happy. This has been the best resource so far and it’s giving me hope. I’ll be making my own list to keep on my as a reminder that happiness IS a choice and I really can move beyond hurtful words so that I can find my own happiness. Thank you so much for writing this.