It’s a question I have been struggling with along with all the other questions that go along with it.
Sex education, contraceptives, and my offspring.
Oy.
My boys are *almost* 14 and 11. (Since little Butterlump just turned one and I am already having screaming nightmares about my older boys becoming teenage fathers who have every STD known to man, let’s just leave him out of this particular discussion for now, m’kay?)
Ever since I have been a teenager one of my greatest fears is that if I had boys they would disrespect, use, or be jerks to women. I’ve almost made it my life mission to make sure my boys are gentlemen. I talk to them all the time about how to treat the girls they interact with and how they should treat the girls they date when they are allowed.
And of course, we talk to them about sex.
We have had some situations that have called for some pretty blunt discussion with Jonathan and I and the boys but I confess that I tend to let my husband and James’ father deal more with the nitty gritty as far as sex goes.
We are ALL more comfortable with this scenario. If I had a girl I think this would be different, but maybe I am just being a bit cowardly.
I am the first to admit I have some hang ups in this area.
My parents did not discuss sex with me. I am the youngest of 6 widely spaced kids so it is both an issue of their generation, their own upbringings and how it went with my elder brother when they gave him ‘the talk’. Apparently it scared him to the point that they decided to never attempt it with their other children. (So the family legend goes). I am OK with this. In fact, the thought of talking openly about sex with my parents pretty much makes me want to run screaming off of the cliffs of insanity so really, it’s fine.
Still, that meant that pretty much everything I learned about sex, I got from my friends and the health class in high school that was taught by my driver’s ed instructor. Or the gym teacher? Or the history teacher? Or some other teacher that seemed really out of place to be teaching me how to put a condom on produce. Maybe it was the biology teacher but I could totally be confusing the condom and produce memory with the latex in the gloves we used to dissect frogs, who knows.
I don’t object to sex education being taught in schools. Though in this day and age if they are only getting educated from that and friends you REALLY need to re-evalute that situation as a parent. (For that matter, if your kids also don’t know what a banana looks like before they get to sex ed you could probably pick up a bit of slack in the ‘feeding and care-taking’ arena. Just sayin’…)
I strongly, (STRONGLY) believe that the best chance you have to minimize kids having sex before they are ready emotionally and to not act recklessly is to educate them. And most importantly–do as much as you can to make sure they are emotionally healthy and happy and loved. I think that matters. So many use sex as a substitution for love and other things missing in their lives and when you’re that young and hormonal it can be very easy to confuse the two.
I also don’t think any good comes from overly scaring kids regarding the topic of intercourse or birth control with exaggerations, myths, ect. or threatening them with excessive punishment like being kicked out of the house or that they are going to hell or that they are going to have their peeps cut off then coated in peanut butter and bird seed and hung on trees (or whatever) should they become sexually active. To me, that is quite different from blunt discussion and consequences. The other can cause such negative feelings and reactions to sex that can last their whole adult lives.
I don’t want that for my kids.
The positives of sex in the right conditions need to be talked about as much as the negatives when it’s not, in my opinion. Educating them that sex can be a wonderful thing when it’s with the right person, timing, maturity, ect. is important.
So, I’m good on educating them.
The situation of birth control gets a bit trickier for me.
There are some things I have decided are absolutes for me.
I don’t think there is are too many parents that actually want their kids to engage in sexual behavior as teens and many who have high desires for religious and other reasons for their children to wait until marriage to engage in it. I can absolutely respect that view. I was raised with that view. I’d love for my kids to pick abstinence. But, while I do think that abstinence should be taught as the.only.way that teens can GUARANTEE that they will stay STD free and not get pregnant, I DEFINITELY do not believe that it is the only talk you should be talking with your kids regarding sex.
If kids are having sex THEY SHOULD BE USING CONDOMS AND/OR BIRTH CONTROL
PERIOD.
THE END.
That isn’t an issue for me.
Where I start stuttering and hemming and hawing has been the question, “Would I provide/buy birth control for my children if I found out they were having sex or if they came to me and asked?”.
I asked my husband (and several other people) what he thought.
We both agreed age/maturity/and who they were having sex with would matter to us and we talked a lot about how we would handle it. The situation really boiled down to a few different points:
That buying birth control for them is tacit approval of them having sex.
I can totally see this point of view. I would not, no matter how much my kid begged, buy alcohol and take away car keys so they could party with their friends in a safe, controlled environment. But, that is also an illegal offense. And I would make it clear that if my kids do drink or they are with someone who has been drinking that they can call me at any time, any where and I will come and get them versus them even attempting to drive or be driven by a drinking kid, no questions asked.
The other point was this:
If they are too immature and unable to get their own condoms then they shouldn’t be having sex and it might deter them from doing so.
Well, yes. That seems obvious. But that is no guarantee they won’t. And again, if they are going to do it, don’t I want to also do as much as possible for them to be as safe as possible?
But don’t I also want to make it as difficult as possible for them to have it in the first place?
But, but, BUT!!!!!
Ugh.
I go back and forth.
It hurts my head.
Do I believe teens having sex is inevitable?
No.
But.
I am also very realistic.
I want my children to not be teen parents.
To be STD free.
To be safe.
So, to address the question in the title and that has been churning around in my brain for far too long…
Would I buy condoms for my boys?
I honestly don’t know.
My guess is that even if I think and think and come to a decision, it will STILL be something I’d have to decide all over again in the moment. I’ll just keep talking, writing and puzzling it out and hope that I make the best decision possible for me and my family.
But more than that?
I am secretly hoping it’s a decision I NEVER have to make.
What about you? How have you/will you/would you handle these topics with your kids?
So I just heard about this whole “bracelet” thing at work the other day and I say if either of them come home with a bracelet or even just talking about a girl you should just cut their hands and possibly arms off. This may sound drastic, but I assure you it would be for the best. http://tinyurl.com/mhs5vd If all of this is real, I don’t know. But I still say cut off their hands. After all who would want to get with an amputee unless they really loved them. As you know I’m an insensitive jerk so take this “advice” with a grain of salt. :)
Forward that to Shad. I think he’d have a more realistic chance with that than hoping his daughter is a lesbian. :)
We should indeed take urban legends with a grain of salt ;)
http://www.snopes.com/risque/school/bracelet.asp
Regarding the post subject, though: my parents both came from conservative religious families. The only time they talked about anything sexual with me, they were super awkward, circumlocutory and euphemistic, probably little-knowing (or in denial?) that by that age I’d already had playground exposure to every four-letter word out there, as well as the typical rough-approximation, learned-from-older-siblings-and-scrambled-cable explanation of sex that would-be know-it-alls foist upon their peers in hushed tones during recess, whether we even really wanted to hear about it or not. :p
(Holy hyphenations, Batman.)
Anyway, though I’m not planning on having kids now, I remain interested in learning about how other parents approach the subject with their kids.
Gotta love Snopes.
And I am a fan of hyphenations.
And Batman.
:)
Well, I’ve never bought my teenage sons condoms, but I have lent one of them money to go and get some. Is that the same?
One of my son’s has a longterm girlfriend who he loves sincerely and very, very deeply. They are very serious about their relationship, have every intention of making it last long into adulthood (gray-hair and rocking-chairs have been mentioned, I hope they’re that lucky!), and as far as I’m concerned, were a far better choice for each others “first-time” than many people make. He and I have discussed how badly he’ll be hurt if it doesn’t work out. I’d love to be able to protect him from that, but realistically, I can’t.
I think if your teenager is sexually active and feels safe enough to let you know, then your responsibilty shifts from helping them understand the serious implications of casually sharing such an important part of their emotional lives, to making sure that they are safe from unplanned pregnancy and STD’s.
I also think you have good instincts, and if or when it comes up you’ll make the best decision for your kid.
(I’ll also bet that if you asked them about teenage pregnancy, they’d say the same thing my kids did, “Are you kidding?! Since you had the babies, I’ve decided I’m not going to be a father until I’m at least 30!, maybe 40!” Their little sister was born when they were 14 and 15, their baby brother a year later. That’s one of the perks of widely spaced kids, the older one’s know babies arn’t just cute and loveable, but a buttload of work too.)
Sorry this was sooo long!
I hear you on the two families. Though, Butterlump is seriously the easiest baby of all time and my boys rush and fight and consistently take care of their brother.
They know how (and do) it all: feeding, diapers, playing, etc. They like him so much I’m a little worried they’d want own of their own!!! LOL!
(Though I’d have it no other way. We love our little pat of butter SO MUCH.)
OMG !!!! They’ll do diapers!?! Trade ya kids!!
Kidding of course, unless you want a 16 year old with serious procrastination disorder or an 18 year old who’s, well, an 18 year old with the attendant attitude and pending university bills.
(I wouldn’t change a damn thing either, the little ones? I’m keeping them!)
I had sex at a disgustingly young age, and while I hope that they don’t, I am realistic that they might. So yes, I will be buying my boys condoms. 14 may be a little young for a boy, but by the time my boys are 15 I think I will have bought them some. Right now I am still wiping their butts and don’t have to think about that!
For me it’s gotten more muddied vs. clearer as they have gotten older and close to teenagers. Have no idea why. Sigh. (Enjoy the time you don’t have to think about it. It’s bliss! :) )
I think the most important thing about this whole topic is ensuring that when/if that time comes your kids WILL come to you and ask. That, to me, means you have done your job well. It means they feel secure and safe approaching you about difficult things, and to me would be very symbolic of a relationship in which they have a great deal of trust in you and that you won’t flip out on them (even if the answer ends up being “No”, it won’t be a complete freak out, know what I mean?)
Having been a teenage mom myself, I strongly recommend the course of action that leads your children to knowing they can come to you for ANYTHING. Not that the answer will always be yes, but that they will see you as trustworthy, approachable, and knowledgeable instead of distant and judgemental.
I agree. And two of my nieces that are like daughters have had children as teenagers. I’ve been there and it probably gave me a lot more shove in the direction of ‘I WANT THEM TO BE PROTECTED’ than it might have without those experiences.
I think loving your kids and boosting their self-esteems as much as possible is terribly important, but sadly a lot parents don’t get how to do this. Buying your kid lots of stuff does not make him feel loved. Signing your kid up for lots of extra-curricular activities does not make your child feel loved. Teaching your child to be responsible and have self-discipline is going to go a lot further in making his/her life happy (and that means having to be a mean parent sometimes).
I agree,, though I am still trying to teach MYSELF self disciple. LOL!
If you already have kids it’s too late for condoms.
SNORT!
I don’t have kids of my own, but I teach them. I’ve also had the privilege of talking with many a parent about many a teenager and their issues.
One of the most effective ways I’ve heard of parents dealing with the condom issue is to simply keep them on hand. Don’t make a big deal about the whole thing. Just leave the condoms in the bathroom the same way you’d discreetly leave some tampons there for a daughter. If your sons need the condoms, they can take them.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t talk about the whole thing. I just think talking in the abstract is much different for a teenager than actually asking a parent for condoms. The latter is much more difficult.
I talked with Jon about that last night. His view is again…making it too easy? We’re new talking about this particular idea. (We don’t keep them for use so it’s in a gray area)
I agree with the above poster in the sense of leaving them available. If you had a daughter would you put her on BC when she reached a certain age? So it is the same idea with condoms.
I actually answered this down below so I am goind to a quick recap…I treat both genders the same in my head and with equal weight honestly. (And I am not a huge fan of BC as Genetic clotting disorders run in my fam and if I had been on it I probably wouldn’t be here as I threw one NOT being on it)
The part of me that was raised ultra conservative Christian wants to just stick her fingers in her ears and say “NO NO NO NO abstinence only!!!!”. The realistic side of me says “Well crap, I have no idea what I’m going to do.”
Hopefully, when the time comes, I’ll have it figured out. And also, I’ll have hopefully done a pretty good job of raising awesome kids and they’ll be able to come to me about this stuff. I guess only time will tell…
I hear you.
OH, HOW I HEAR YOU.
I have been right there. My boys are great kids and I hope they would as well. I HAD hoped to be a bit further in my own decision making by this point with them but man…it’s a tough subject for me.
tricky subject but i agree with all your points.
i wouldn’t want to feel like i was saying, “YES, HAVE SEX!” by buying my son condoms. but at the same time… safety first? i don’t know. i don’t know. they’re going to make the decision to have sex regardless of what you what them to do (but hopefully using things you taught them along the way). so you can at least give them the tools to do it safely? i think maybe i would take my son to the store to buy condoms, so he could make the purchase himself?
my son is only 9 months, so i have a while to figure it out i guess. but, man, hard one.
Yup, it’s a but THIS and but THAT! argument in my head. I think I’ve landed that I see it as facilitation (buying, driving, ect.) or not.
However, I also believe that part of educating is making sure they know the ins and outs of contraception and how and where to obtain them. Whether I would do this for them? Dunno…
Gah.
And IT GOES BY FASTER THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE.
All I have is my personal story, since my son is only 15 months old and I’m already freaking out about having the talk with him.
All I heard my teenage years was to NOT GET PREGNANT and when my mom even suspected that I might be considering having sex, she took me to the gyno and I was put on the pill under the guise of it regulating my horrific periods. I was 17.
I had sex for the first time promptly three days later.
And throughout my sexual experiences, I was quite lackadaisical about taking my pill, but it got done and I never got pregnant. I became that girl — the one who told guys it didn’t matter if they had a condom because I was on the pill and that’s all that mattered.
I didn’t even know where my cervix was until I had cervical cancer from HPV, discovered at age 23. I’m fine now, (obviously, I have a 15 month old and I’m seven months pregnant) but STD’s were just not really talked about. It was all about not being a teen mother.
So my husband and I hope to approach it differently with our children. I don’t blame my mom — she did the best she could and it was partly my responsibility to learn about these things and be smarter, but I don’t know. I probably would have had sex regardless if I were on the pill, and I wouldn’t have been the girl to go to Planned Parenthood to get my own script. It’s a gamble no matter how you look at it.
I wish you luck talking to your kids. In another decade when it’s me in your place, I’ll be asking you how you did it and survived. :)
Oh, I am huge on STD education. It’s not all about pregnancy around these parts! :) (And I am sorry about HPV. GAH. Glad you’re ok!)
Honestly I would offer them that if they make the decision that they want to have sex, they need to either A – ask you for money so they can buy the condoms themselves, or B- ask for a ride to a free clinic so they can get the condoms themselves. That’s what my mother did. She threatened me that if I was going to have unprotected sex and make her a grandmother or bury her only daughter from AIDS, she would get her revenge somehow, even if I was dead. I think her exact phrase was “So help me God, if I have to bury you because of some STD you catch, I will kill myself just to kick your ass!”
She them promptly took me to a clinic and got me Norplant(no longer on the market) for extra measures. Just one trip to that Planned Parenthood was scary enough to make me grab a bunch of condoms and make sure my boyfriends throughout time used them and/or replenished the supply.
Be realistic with them, if they understand the consequences of their actions, they should be able to understand that a little humility towards getting the condoms to prevent those consequences is small in comparison to what can happen if they don’t.
I also hear praying goes a long way in this department! Good luck! I will be here in a couple years with my daughter, as she just started wearing a bra, and I am being open with her already. She’s had part of “the talk”, and when she gets her first period, she knows there is a part 2 coming! Gah, this parenting thing is freaky!
Ok, that phrase has me laughing my ass off, Cissa.
I SO SO SO agree with you on the educating thing. My parents didn’t say boo to me about sex and when I was younger, I wouldn’t sleep in the same bed as my 18-months-younger-than-me brother because I thought I would get pregnant that way. SO NAIEVE. (Did I spell that right?)
I do not think that I would ever provide birth control or condoms for my girls. I’m hoping HOPING that talking to them from my experience (pregnant at 17, FTW!) and the consequences will be enough. HOPING.
Dude, I was so sadly misinformed about sex it is sad.
I think you are the only teen mom on here (or daughter of a teen mom) that has this point of view and it’s totally intriguing.
Can I ask, with your personal experience why would wouldn’t? Is it a religious belief, etc? You do NOT have to answer this is just me being uber curious. xo
My daughter is 17, my boys are 9 and 6. Having widely-spaced younger sibs did a *lot* for showing her how much work babies really are.
Our sex talk so far has been “Abstaining is 100% guaranteed to work. Redundant birth control (pill + condom) is more safe than just relying on ONE method.”
While I won’t go buy condoms for her, if she needed money for them, I’d give it to her. Same thing for my boys.
I am hoping that is the case here, too. The certainly saw how difficult my pregnancies are!
Well, I don’t care how much you talk about absitinence. If you leave condoms around or provide them, the kid is going to take that as a “yes, it’s ok”. Kids will always push the fences. Period. I think teaching about accepting consequences and making responsible choices is the best possible thing to do. After that, if you’ve done the best you can, it is out of your hands. I’m not going to be the one to provide the door through which my son can enter if I don’t want him going through it in the first place.
AND, there is a big part of me that believes that as well. The thing is…the consequences are so.very.big. You know?
My sister has four teenaged sons. She keeps a cabinet stocked with condoms. She wants them to be protected if they choose to be sexually active but doesnt want to know who is using them because she’d freak out and worry endlessly. The lads know they’re there if they need them. Once a month she checks it and refills it if necessary.
welllllll….speaking as a childless, bitter, divorcee, i say if they think they are old enough and mature enough to have sex, then they need to be buying their own condoms. of course enforcing this means that there has to have been a lot of education prior to the horny hormones hitting them. KNOWING that mom and dad have their ways(mysterious as they might be)of enforcing such “rules” is key. i really dont know how my parents did it. i never heard them say “dont have sex before you get married”, but none of their kids did. they were honest with all of us and were open to questions,despite how they were raised. i think my mom was intent on not sending her daughters to their wedding night completely uninformed and uneducated-like she was. i know its stating the obvious, but this is the trickiest of subjects. i dont envy parents in the slightest when it comes to dealing with this.
This is almost verbatim what my husband says and feels. And I truly can see the point to it.
And man…my children ARE going to be better educated than I am. (They already are)
My mantra has been to my kids, “If you share the love, wear a glove.”
Double up is the key…it’s not just pregnancy, but STD’s they should protecting themselves from.
But that’s not what you asked.
I have only girls. I have talked to them about sex, pregnancy, STD’s, the value of waiting, abstinence, etc. The “talk” that has resonated the longest was my talk about my theory that if you wait for your husband you’ll have better orgasms than those that don’t wait (no sexual baggage, etc). I have no idea if that’s true or not, but it’s been pretty effective in our house.
As far as birth control, I have purchased the pill for my oldest and would have a box of condoms available for my son (if I had one). Part of their job as kids is to make mistakes. Part of our job is to make certain they are not life-changing mistakes (ie: teenage fatherhood, STD). I wish it could be different, but it’s not. Their bodies work the way they were designed. Their brains sort-of work; thus the need for us parents.
Good luck to us all!
the ‘wait for your husband’ thing is so totally true. I was the pregnant @ 19 teenager, but never had an orgasm – ever. The guys was also 19, not so good at ‘stuff’ and we never took the time to learn. My now husband is “magical”. Cares, took the time, etc.
I have a 20 y/o and a 19 y/o who has a very serious boyfriend. We have always talked about sex openly – we are very conservative, but realistic, I guess. They know that we have an expectation that they will wait. My 19 year old was my baby – and she knows how much it hurts to not have the ‘father’ around for your baby. They are both very religious, which totally helps.
My daughter’s boyfriend is also a virgin, and wants to stay that way – not because he is religious, but because he’s not ready for the responsibility, and he doesn’t want to be the one to break her heart if it doesn’t work out. Smart boy – knows how much sex means to girls. He’s watched his brother break hearts (including his mother’s) and make babies.
Examples (good and bad) can go a long way.
That is a totally interesting point and one that I can actually see BUT I will also say that you can come into a marriage with a lot of sexual baggage and still be a virgin.
Too often the stigma can be morphed that sex is “bad” and a LOT of girls have difficulty making the switch. I personally have hella amounts of shame I had to (and am still) working through and it sucks.
Oh, I hear you and they know. Sexually active girls who think just the pill is ok are playing a dangerous game.
Well, I can’t quite contribute a parental perspective, but I’m practically a second mother to my 15 year old (baby!) brother and totally in the “oh god, what if my parents find out about sex” zone myself. And I’m a college graduate. Yeah. And here’s the thing. Don’t get so worried about any underlying messages you think you may be sending, b/c by giving them birth control, you’re only setting a good example. You’re telling them that safe sex is not optional, EVEN IF you don’t necessarily agree with them having sex in the first place. It’s like saying, “you’re making a really bad decision, having sex now, but let’s keep you from being EVEN DUMBER.” STDs and teenage pregnancies totally outweigh the negatives here. If my parents ever decided to do this, I know that’s exactly what they would think and say, and I would NEVER even dream that I had their approval for having sex.
“and totally in the “oh god, what if my parents find out about sex” zone myself.”
HA!!!! Love that…
I’ve got two girls who’ll be 10 pretty soon. My husband and I have spoken at length about it. We’ve decided that to do our best for our girls is to arm them with knowledge. Know they can talk to us about it, about the services provided by the local health department(birth control, STD testing, pregnancy tests, free condoms) and the consequences. We both had young unplanned pregnancies before we got together and will use our experiences to help teach them.
We feel that to assume our children will walk out of their teen years without having sexually experimented on some level is to be ignorant, and STD’s can be passed through all sexual contact, be it oral, anal, vaginal so better to be aware, and have the knowledge than hope for the best. So if our girls came to us saying they were thinking about sex, we’d provide condoms, birth control and a reminder that we’d rather they didn’t for these reasons. Then you hope you raised them right.
I sound like a broken record here but I am loving the insights from people who have experienced teen pregnancy.
Proper sex education is imperative. That said, yes without question. I dealt with this with my stepdaughter last year at 16. We’d talked for years about sex and the importance of a) being emotionally ready b) not succumbing to peer pressure and of course c) if you decide to do it : Protecting yourself!
It was incredibly hard to digest when I found out she’d been having sex but I was pleased we’d had the talks we did and that she protected herself.
I know you have boys, but I also think it’s important to provide access to condoms for girls. Obviously getting pregnant is not the only thing they need to protect themselves from. And who knows the history of the teenage boys they chose to sleep with. I made sure she had condoms!
Agreed: Condoms are key if you’re having sex for both genders. PERIOD.
I’d rather buy condoms than have them wind up with diseases or babies.
My mom made certain that we all knew exactly where the planned parenthood clinic was. She didn’t buy us birth control, but made sure we knew where to get it.
And I wasn’t having sex in high school, so it’s not as if knowing how to protect myself negated the lessons about taking my body seriously.
Wow! What a tough decision you have on your hands. I like the idea of having condoms available for your sons without counting them or watching the box. Keep up that education! As a recent college and high school student-I have heard SO many myths. Like, two condoms are better than one-NO WAY! Friction people! Also, that a girl can’t get pregnant on her period, false. Keep your ears open for incorrect information that could harm your sons or their partners.
In regard to the drinking thing-you’ll be very lucky if your sons do call you if they’re in an unsafe driving situation. In my experience the only kids who do call their parents, are kids with the type of parents who buy their own kids alcohol. I do know that kids are more likely to call an older sibling or friend. Give your sons some “safe numbers” of your friends who would be willing to pick up your sons. One more idea! When your sons do get their license-encourage them to drive. Although carpooling is good for the environment, at night, they should drive. If you trust your sons not to drink more than you trust their friends-have your son drive. All through high school, I always drove. Yes it was annoying, but I always knew I had a safe ride home-myself.
E-mail me if you have any sex-ed questions. I’m a young lady-but an old soul with a passion for educating the younger ones.
My husband and I have had similar discussions for if and when we have kids. I don’t think there is one right answer, it really comes down to what *YOU* feel is right for you and your family. I think it will really be a decision that can only be made once you’re actually faced with it. I think if you keep the lines of communication open with your boys, it will help them make the right decisions.
My husband and I are of the mindset that we’ll tell our kids, “We’d really prefer it if you waited, but we can’t stop you. If you’re going to do it, please be smart about it and don’t be afraid to talk to us.”
It’s a bit of a Utopian line of thinking but we’re big on this whole “communication” thing. We like to lay it all out in the open. We’re kind of crazy that way. :-P
Absolutely I would buy them for my kids, and bought them for my daughter, who is now 27 and has a little girl of her own (4 years old).
Most teens experiment, and it’s a natural thing. If it weren’t Nature wouldn’t have made it so desirable to want to have sex. After all, Nature didn’t start out going, “hey, let’s make humans wait until they are older and married before we program them to start being interested in mating and reproducing,” did It? Or whatever it is you believe in.
I would not risk my kids’ health. My daughter did experiment a little and then she realized it wasn’t for her and later on came to me and I got her the shot & some more condoms. Things like Chlamydia can cause infertility in women and often don’t appear in men so they can pass them on without knowing to a woman. Or HPV, or any other number of things. You can get herpes simplex (cold sores) by kissing. What if your kid got genital herpes? That’s something nasty they’ll be dealing with the rest of their lives, which will affect their relationships negatively and can put unborn babies at risk if a mother has an outbreak during child birth. Do I ever want my son, who is 17, to go through that kind of pain, emotional and physical? Heck no!
My daughter is a responsible young mother who is in a committed relationship going on 5 years now, with the father of her daughter. She’s healthy, happy, and a wonderful mother. And she never came to me saying she had an STD. I also told her it was her body and no man can ever pressure her into having sex if she didn’t want to, something no one ever told me!
So yes, I would definitely buy them. Yeah it’s awkward, but in a way, the kids don’t necessarily want to leap into something if they think Mom and Dad would be okay with it. What’s there to rebel against if they can’t be all, “Mom & Dad told me not to do this so I’m going to do it,” right? :-)
Oh. And hug them in the mall in front of their friends. You have to get some pleasure out of being the mom of a teenager!
Buying alcohol for my child wouldn’t keep him safe, but buying him unexpired condoms would. I’d like to think I’d be the parent that would keep a box of them in the house just in case the need arose. And he shouldn’t be carrying just one, that might break, that might be expired, that might have a hole in it, that might fall off, or whatever. We all know you often need a backup. AMIRITE? Hello, especially when you’re inexperienced. I don’t want to be a grandma a whole lot more than I don’t want to condone my kid having teen sex.
And I don’t want my daughter getting HPV or my son passing it along. Not that condoms are a foolproof prevention for that, but it’s a better start than nothing. I’ve already had one friend die of cervical cancer. I don’t care to have my daughter join those ranks.
I’d expect my daughter to have condoms with her, too. She shouldn’t be relying on a boy to be the responsible one. Lord knows that has landed many a girl in a world of hurt.
Maybe I’m just a realist given my own teen years. I want better for my kids. I have a strong inclination they won’t go down the path I went down because they’ve already shown they aren’t headed that direction. But, I’m not going to leave the blinders on, either.
YOU WOULD BE A TOTALLY HOT GRANDMA, THOUGH!!! ;P
I was talking about parents who buy liquor for their kids and/or friends with the justification that it is safer to do so in a supervised controlled area with driving monitoring is safer than not as eople are killed, arrested, harmed from doing stupid things with alcohol all the time, death from teen drinking, drunk driving is huge and frightening, etc… I felt it was a fairly good comparison.
And I absolutely think it is just as important for girls to be educated and responsible for condom protection as boys, too. I’m sorry about your friend, hon. that just sucks. XO
“I strongly, (STRONGLY) believe that the best chance you have to minimize kids having sex before they are ready emotionally and to not act recklessly is to educate them. And most importantly–do as much as you can to make sure they are emotionally healthy and happy and loved. I think that matters. So many use sex as a substitution for love and other things missing in their lives and when you’re that young and hormonal it can be very easy to confuse the two.”
Yes! I had the great example of a two-parent household and the unconditional love of all my family. Did we ever really have “the talk?” Not really to my recollection, actually, and usually that’s something you recall. I learned in health class and from mom making no secret about the fact that all three of her children were conceived while she was using three different types of birth control (yes, abstinence is the ONLY 100% guarantee). But having had the foundation of love and the security in the knowledge that I deserved love and to be treated with respect, I managed to navigate those waters very responsibly.
When I got a boyfriend, the end of my high school senior year, my mom offered me the pill, but I wasn’t having sex (and wasn’t planning to, though we did do other stuff), so I declined. I got my own condoms to lose my virginity with my next boyfriend, and finally went on the pill when my husband and I got together. I knew to do all this not from any one “talk” but the fact that even though it is very much a big deal, it never felt awkward or strict or enforced or encouraged in any way. If that makes any sense.
In other words, that’s what I’m hoping to do with my boy (2 years) and any other kids that find their way into our family. To provide him with the example and security of love and respect. To teach him how to love and show respect for both his own body and the bodies of his potential lovers. I don’t think I’d buy him condoms, but I’d make sure he knows what they are, how they work, where to get them, and that they help prevent pregnancy and STDs but that only abstinence will never break or fail. I plan to talk to him about sex, what it is, and what it means, not once, but anytime he seems to need to hear it so it’s not awkward or horrifying for him to come to me or his dad if he has questions, feels pressured or anything.
Sorry to comment so long, but this was a great post of yours, Loralee, and with the way teenagers are sexualized earlier and earlier nowadays, it’s definitely something that parents need to be on their toes about. And not just when their kids hit 13 or 14 or 15, but by building that foundation of trust and love from the start, answering their childhood curiosity with age-appropriate and honest statements so that they know you to be a reliable source of information when it really counts.
Comments like this can be as long as you like! IT was great!
We have a supply of condoms in our bedside drawer. My plan is to have honest and frank discussions about how we would prefer that they wait until they are thirty…or married…or until I’m dead…to have sex. Having made that clear, if they feel they really CANNOT WAIT for some reason then I plan to make sure that they know that the condoms are in our bedside drawer. ;)
My mother was very open with be about sex (not about her having it, but about how the whole process works). She was honest, but also loving. She explained the technical side and the emotional side in age appropriate way. Sex was never a taboo subject at our house and I knew that I could talk openly with her about it.
When I started dating she told me that if I decided to have sex to let her know so that I could have birth control pills. She did not encourage it and continuously explained the emotional entanglements, while at the same time making it very clear how hard it is to raise a baby and that it would be my only option. When I was ready I went to her and told her. She made me an appointment with the doctor and that was it. No judgment at all. She was just happy that I was being smart about it. At least that is how she appeared to me. I’m sure inside she was dying a little bit.
I hope this is the type of relationship I can have with my kids as well.
I am totally of the mindset that I will and am getting ready to give my 15 year old son condoms. (I, of course, won’t do it. His dad will. Because that would be horribly awkward.) My mother was a teenager when she had me. When I turned 13, she took me to the doctor and had me put on the pill out of fear that I might follow in her footsteps. As it turns out, I didn’t. I was long out of high school before I had sex for the first time. I don’t think offering them a plan, just in case, encourages or makes it easier. Especially not if you have done your job and talked with them about the ramifications.
I have absolutely bought condoms for my son. I’m a realist. My son and I have a very open relationship. We started talking about sex when he was young and the door for questions and discussions has always been open. We had every abstinence/not substituting sex for love/making sure it’s right/ask if you née condoms discussion there was. As his mom, it’s my job to make sure he is informed. It’s also my job to make sure he’s safe. When he was a senior in high school he had his first real girlfrend. One day I handed him a brown paper bag with a box of condoms and told him to let me know if he needed more. He said they weren’t ready yet, but thanked me. I credit all those long talks we had for his honesty, and I know that when he did eventually use them he had thought it through. It’s my opinion that we need to give our kids all the tools they need to make rational decisions, and then we need to be honest with ourselves and realize that their decision is not always going to be what we would like it to be. In those cases it is still our responsibility to make sure they are safe and that their future is protected. Withholding condoms is not going to make them stop having sex, as much as we’d like to think so.
Just a guys perspective here: I think that the last thing a teenage boy wants is for his mom to buy him condoms. Last thing. Ever.
I would err on the side of making sure they know where to get them, having the talk, and leaving it at that. It’s not a tacit approval (in my eyes, anyway), but nor is it completely avoiding the topic.
I love you Dougie. And thanks for being one of the few males to pipe up. And your solution is quite logical to me you know…(I just keep getting hung up on the “BUT THE CONSEQUENCES ARE SO DANG BIG! GAH!”)
Two points: If you had daughters, would you put them on the pill? If you would then, you should make sure your boys have condoms and know how to use them correctly. I liked Califmom’s point about the alcohol comparison. Alcohol doesn’t keep your kids safe, but condoms do.
My second point is that condoms are sort of like band aids. You hope that you never need to use them, but you’d be crazy to have kids and not have them around.
Good luck with your decision.
I don’t know if I would put her on the pill but it is more complicated. If I had been on the pill it would have likely killed me due to a genetic clotting disorder. I almost died from one off the pill and well…I have issues with birth control due to that and other health concerns.
So the condom issue would apply equally (and worry me equally) to both genders of children both literal and hypothetical.
Yeah, I would.
That? Is really good to know.
From some of the comments and emails and DM’s I’m getting I need to clarify a few things.
I am coming from am upbringing and social cultural norm that sex out side of marriage is wrong, wrong, wrongity-wrong, wrong.
It’s a pretty big deal here no matter what my personal beliefs are.
I daresay it’s not usual at all for parents to put their children on birth control. (Does happen but again, not the norm)
It makes it harder for me.
You all are providing some major food for thought and I’ve loved all the comments. Plus, thank you for keeping it respectful. I utterly appreciate that! xo
(Packing family for a trip to Chicago but am hoping to keep replying. I find myself wanting to reply to every single comment and I hope I can!)
Hi friend-
I have two children that are sexually active. My daughter called me immediately and asked if I would consent to her getting on birth control. I said HELL YES! She is diligent about getting her yearly pap and STD screening and maintaining that prescription.
My son never said a word about it. We talk about sex all the time. He assures me he is safe and uses protection but unless he flat out asked me to purchase him condoms, I never would.
Big difference between boys and girls.
They do tick very differently, no?
P.S. I heart your kids
P.P.S. I am glad you weren’t in a bigger earthquake
P.P.S. Love the hair! (Haven’t mentioned that but have been meaning to!)
xo
i am the product of a teen pregnancy. nothing scared me more in life than being 18 and ending up in a situation like my moms. she was always very open (maybe too open) about sex, i was living proof of what could happen. she kept a large basket of condoms in the bathroom closet- we were told IF we were going to have sex (and she would tell us that she hoped we waited until we were really in love and ready) to PLEASE be safe.
I don’t think she counted them or anything like that…so they were there…available. I waited until I got married to have sex so it wasn’t an issue for me. My younger sister though- always took safe sex seriously.
Heather! (squee!)
I think of all these discussions I am the most fascinated by the ones from people who were products of or experienced teen pregnancy. The are hugely helpful.
Love you, babe! xoxoxo
I am the second of 7 children and sex education in the home was a joke. I think my parents believed (and still believe) that they educated us correctly and enough (one 30 minute talk when you’re 12 is.not.enough.) but they do not know how many problems their children have had in this area. Mainly because we don’t talk to them about it. I FIRMLY believe that you should keep condoms in the house for teenagers. I understand the idea that this may seem as “condoning” sex – however I see it as the lesser of two evils. I think it shows them that your main priority is their safety (as well as their potential partner’s safety) and if that is seen as condoning, then that sucks – but it’s more important that they are safe. And they should know from your discussions that you are not encouraging sex.
This situation reminds me of when one of my closest friends got pregnant in high school (the bishop’s daughter of course) and my parents wouldn’t allow me to throw a baby shower for her. My mom said that doing so would show that we support her decision to have sex. I don’t believe that is the message at all – I think the message would be that we loved her and support HER (not the decision) and that babies are always a wonderful thing – despite the consequences.
Basically – bottom line I think providing condoms is better than the alternative.
You are so right about loving and supporting your friend when having a baby. Babies are a gift and should be celebrated, no matter what the circumstances.
Oh, that makes me sad. And I have been right there in that same situation. How painful for her and you and how very wrong of your mom. At the very least she should realize the baby did nothing wrong here. Nothing. And it deserves all the love and support on the planet.
Babies are ALWAYS ALWAYS a good thing.
You’re wonderful for wanting to support her.
Oh yikes, heavy topic. My kids are just 9, 6 and 6 so I’m burying my head in the sand and hoping they fast-forward through the teen years without too much trouble. But if forced to answer, I’d say yes, buy the condoms.
I’m looking forward to meeting you at the McDonald’s event this week!
bonggamom
ME AS WELL!!!!
It’s going to be so much fun! XO
My son is 27 now, so if he asked I would tell him to get off his lazy butt and go buy them himself, but…when he was 15? If he asked, I would have. I wouldn’t have been happy about it and I would have let him know I didn’t think 15 was a reasonable age to have sex…but I would have, and he knew then I would have.
He knew from a young age that I never expected him to wait until he was married, but to wait for a committed relationship; I don’t see an alternative to such a request. If your kids are asking for your help, then they’re either seriously contemplating sex or or testing you, and to say no is, I think, a giant parental fail.
Sooner or later kids have sex, whether it’s at 15 or 17 or 27. If they can trust us to bite our tongues and get condoms when they ask, they stand a better chance of trusting us with everything else…and we learned along the way that a lot of what they need to trust us with is bigger than sex.
I will totally admit that my kid coming to me and asking is a MUCH different scenario to me than me buying them out of the blue and saying here you go.
UGH, Interesting questions and points…
I’m So So glad my son just graduated… from Kindergarten :)
Good Luck!
I don’t have kids yet, but I plan to. I have more solid opinions about how I’d deal with girls, since, you know, I’m one, and I don’t have any brothers. I would never put my daughter on the pill on my own initiative. Had my mom done that with me, I would have found it insulting. I would make clear to my own daughter that she could come to me with any questions about sex, and that if she decided she was ready to be sexually active, she could come to me to help her get the pill (and condoms). I waited until marriage and it was the right decision for me, but it isn’t for everyone. That’s just the way it is.
I don’t know what the parallel for boys would be. I don’t think giving them condoms unasked would be as pushy as those moms who automatically put their daughters on birth control, but I still don’t know if I’d be a big fan of it. The only thing about waiting for them to ask is that they really should be mature enough to buy their own condoms if they think they’re mature enough for sex, right? It’s just a simple drugstore transaction.
I guess the best thing to do is keep doing what you’re doing–letting your boys know that you and their dads are there for them when they have questions, and maybe the particular condom issue will get clearer the closer they get to condom-needed age.
Ack. My sons are 12 and 9 and I am plugging my ears. “Lalalalala!”
I think the big issue in our society is that people used to get married very, very young. So waiting until marriage was not a big deal. Now it’s unusual to get married earlier than mid-20s and often early 30s. So we have a huge gap between the sex drive kicking in and marriage…our society has not found a way to solve that so we swing from championing promiscuity to preaching celibacy.
I think I will just keep extra condoms in the linen closet with the extra toilet paper.
I talked to all three of my kids about sex from the time they were old enough to understand. As they got older, the things we talked about changed. But, I let them know (1 boy and 2 girls) that the purpose of sex was for creating babies, and that you don’t get to decide which time you have sex will create the baby. I let them know in no uncertain terms that if they were not ready to be a mother or a father, then they were not ready to have sex. I did not threaten to throw them out of the house, but I did make it very clear that “I” would not be raising my grandchildren.
When they were very young teens, I told them that they should wait until they were married to have sex, because sex was for making babies, yadda yadda yadda. But, as they got older, in college, when it was obvious they were going to have sex before they got married, I talked to them about various methods of birth control, and offered to help them get it. My son, who was 21, told me I sounded like a commercial for condoms. And I told him, yes, I do, and you need to be paying attention and be wanting to buy what I am selling. I really think you need to take into consideration the age and maturity of the child (young adult) and shape the action and discussion to their level of understanding.
I must have done something right, as now they are 38, 36, and 35, and none of them had babies before they were married, or ever had a STD.
I do not think that making it clear that you will NOT raise the grandkids is unreasonable AT ALL. Throwing them penniless and homeless into the street IS, but not that!
hmmm very interesting questions. I like that you hold to your values and don’t cave to what’s popular for society in today’s often TOO-PERMISSIVE culture.
One other thing I think is really important, is to talk about self-respect. I HATE HATE HATE it that our society (and yes I will make a blanket statement here because I have never seen an instance to the contrary yet) tells girls who have sex young, and without being in love, that they have no self-respect. But those boys who are having the sex WITH THEM, um, what about THEIR self-respect? Why does no one ever claim that they boys must have low or absent self-respect too? They are only looked on as manipulative or throbbing with hormones, but no one ever claims they don’t have self-respect. So, my thought is this: if they ever want to have sex, make sure your discussion with them includes a section on self-respect.
Then, if they still want to have sex, lock them in their rooms. (JK)
No, I don’t cave. If I end up choosing it, it is not because of it being popular it is because the consequences are so huge you know? I don’t want to be permissive here but man…I will admit that I am scared about it.
This was my quote: “So MANY use sex as a substitution for love and other things missing in their lives and when you’re that young and hormonal it can be very easy to confuse the two.”
There was no distinction about gender. I worry about both. And I consider having self-respect as being emotionally healthy so yup. I agree.
I’ve kept this post up in a tab all night because I knew I wanted to comment, but couldn’t decide what to say.
I still have no idea what I want to say.
Except, I think it’s so great that you’re taking this topic so seriously and are truly thinking about each possibility.
So that’s at least part of a comment.
And, though it’s after midnight, I believe it’s semi-coherent, so that’s impressive, right?
It’s a tricky subject and I do not blame people from staying faaaar away from it. Thanks for piping up at all, babe! xo
Did you have Mr. Ryan or Mr. Deursch?
LOL!
I have a 16yo girl and a 15yo boy both of whom are more sexually educated through us and through the school, than I ever was.
Due to my low self-esteem, I ‘gave away’ a lot of my identity through my teenage years. No sex, but pretty much everything else. (I was too scared to do anything that would get me pregnant.) My daughter was in G1 when I had counseling/healing to regain my identity, and during that time, one of the counselors said “Your daughter won’t have to go through what you did. She won’t have to face these issues because you have dealt with them and they are gone.” She was so right! My girl is way more confident, open and clear about who she is now than I was before I was 30! Praise God for that.
We have open communication, and our kids know that they can come to us and talk about anything – though I do wish they wouldn’t do it at 10.30 at night. :)
When my girl was about 14 she was with me dropping my son at school (they attend different schools) and saw one of her old classmates with a girlfriend. Her question to me was “why do they think they need a girl/boy friend to be complete?” She still has no boyfriend (though she has a lot of friends who are boys). We have always had people around (we used to lead a youth group in our home when the kids were little) and both kids have opposite sex friends (one of my son’s best friends is a girl he’s known all his life). When my daughter was at a girl school she used to come home and complain about the way all the girls would scream and react when there was a boy on the premises (whether someone’s brother or a sporting personality or whoever). They’re just people. And these girls have brothers. Don’t they ever interact with them?
My son came out a couple of weeks ago and said “do you know 26% of 16yo’s are having sex?” “Really?” “Yeah.” Oh. Later that night I thought I better find out where that came from. Turns out he had had the first of 2 sessions at school in health on sex etc. I listened to what he had learned about – sex, healthy and unhealthy relationships (control), adoption, abortion. And asked him what he thought were good and bad about it all, and we had a good talk about what he thought, and what I believed and why. And how sex is good and feels good, and that your body responds to different things, and in the right relationship it is fantastic (just ask Dad), but it can also cause a lot of harm emotionally, because it isn’t just about how your body feels, it is also giving a part of yourself emotionally and spiritually to another. It is designed to be very good, but if used wrongly can lead to a lot of emotional/mental problems and relational problems later on.
I also know, from talking to him, that it isn’t something he is interested in at the moment. **12 months ago we were all coming home from town and he said that they had learned where babies came from. I asked him whether he meant how they were made, or how they were born. He said both. I asked him what he thought … “Pretty disturbing, actually.” YES!!! Keep it that way until your 22! Or married, or….
So, at this stage I think we are all clear on the sex front (Mum and Dad love it, kids aren’t interested). But I also hope that the communication lines remain clear. And that they remember it isn’t just about the physical, it is also has emotional and mental ramifications as well. That they are beautiful people who are loved (very important) and they know that they don’t need someone else to make them feel complete or good about themselves.
I just wish they would come ask questions earlier than 10.30pm.
Didn’t realise this was so long, sorry.
I didn’t finish reading all the comments yet so forgive me if I’m repeating what someone else has said. My oldest boy is 12, so we aren’t quite there, but the years are flying by! I honestly don’t know what we will do. We are strong Catholics, but I am also a realist. I DO believe that if you don’t talk openly with your kid about sex, they will learn that it’s something to be hidden and not talked about. So I HOPE that by keeping an open dialogue with him (something that doesn’t come naturally to either of us because that’s just now how our parents did things) we will have an idea of where he is on the road to needing condoms. (Gah!)
I take back every. single. time. I bitched about changing poopy diapers.
Hi…I actually have never commented on a blog before, although I love yours. :) I feel pretty strongly about this. My parents NEVER discussed sex with me. What I knew before I was 19 and pregnant I learned from a friend or the dictionary. Neither one is a good idea. When I miscarried my family told me it was a blessing. I cried. But in truth it was I was not ready to be a mom, and I had learned a very real lesson. I am not above the rules. My children 6 and 4 (girl and boy) will be a informed as they need to be at the age and maturity they are when they ask to make the right choice. Sex is an amazing thing. It is not just for making babies, but that is a real possibility and they need to be aware of that. There is a guy who has a book called “Sex is Like An Apple, Don’t Spoil A Good Thing” I’m not a mormon, but he is a mormon writer, but this book is amazing. All 12 year olds should read this. Their parents too. lol.
Thank for letting people like me read your blog. I truly enjoy it.