It’s a question I have been struggling with along with all the other questions that go along with it.
Sex education, contraceptives, and my offspring.
Oy.
My boys are *almost* 14 and 11. (Since little Butterlump just turned one and I am already having screaming nightmares about my older boys becoming teenage fathers who have every STD known to man, let’s just leave him out of this particular discussion for now, m’kay?)
Ever since I have been a teenager one of my greatest fears is that if I had boys they would disrespect, use, or be jerks to women. I’ve almost made it my life mission to make sure my boys are gentlemen. I talk to them all the time about how to treat the girls they interact with and how they should treat the girls they date when they are allowed.
And of course, we talk to them about sex.
We have had some situations that have called for some pretty blunt discussion with Jonathan and I and the boys but I confess that I tend to let my husband and James’ father deal more with the nitty gritty as far as sex goes.
We are ALL more comfortable with this scenario. If I had a girl I think this would be different, but maybe I am just being a bit cowardly.
I am the first to admit I have some hang ups in this area.
My parents did not discuss sex with me. I am the youngest of 6 widely spaced kids so it is both an issue of their generation, their own upbringings and how it went with my elder brother when they gave him ‘the talk’. Apparently it scared him to the point that they decided to never attempt it with their other children. (So the family legend goes). I am OK with this. In fact, the thought of talking openly about sex with my parents pretty much makes me want to run screaming off of the cliffs of insanity so really, it’s fine.
Still, that meant that pretty much everything I learned about sex, I got from my friends and the health class in high school that was taught by my driver’s ed instructor. Or the gym teacher? Or the history teacher? Or some other teacher that seemed really out of place to be teaching me how to put a condom on produce. Maybe it was the biology teacher but I could totally be confusing the condom and produce memory with the latex in the gloves we used to dissect frogs, who knows.
I don’t object to sex education being taught in schools. Though in this day and age if they are only getting educated from that and friends you REALLY need to re-evalute that situation as a parent. (For that matter, if your kids also don’t know what a banana looks like before they get to sex ed you could probably pick up a bit of slack in the ‘feeding and care-taking’ arena. Just sayin’…)
I strongly, (STRONGLY) believe that the best chance you have to minimize kids having sex before they are ready emotionally and to not act recklessly is to educate them. And most importantly–do as much as you can to make sure they are emotionally healthy and happy and loved. I think that matters. So many use sex as a substitution for love and other things missing in their lives and when you’re that young and hormonal it can be very easy to confuse the two.
I also don’t think any good comes from overly scaring kids regarding the topic of intercourse or birth control with exaggerations, myths, ect. or threatening them with excessive punishment like being kicked out of the house or that they are going to hell or that they are going to have their peeps cut off then coated in peanut butter and bird seed and hung on trees (or whatever) should they become sexually active. To me, that is quite different from blunt discussion and consequences. The other can cause such negative feelings and reactions to sex that can last their whole adult lives.
I don’t want that for my kids.
The positives of sex in the right conditions need to be talked about as much as the negatives when it’s not, in my opinion. Educating them that sex can be a wonderful thing when it’s with the right person, timing, maturity, ect. is important.
So, I’m good on educating them.
The situation of birth control gets a bit trickier for me.
There are some things I have decided are absolutes for me.
I don’t think there is are too many parents that actually want their kids to engage in sexual behavior as teens and many who have high desires for religious and other reasons for their children to wait until marriage to engage in it. I can absolutely respect that view. I was raised with that view. I’d love for my kids to pick abstinence. But, while I do think that abstinence should be taught as the.only.way that teens can GUARANTEE that they will stay STD free and not get pregnant, I DEFINITELY do not believe that it is the only talk you should be talking with your kids regarding sex.
If kids are having sex THEY SHOULD BE USING CONDOMS AND/OR BIRTH CONTROL
PERIOD.
THE END.
That isn’t an issue for me.
Where I start stuttering and hemming and hawing has been the question, “Would I provide/buy birth control for my children if I found out they were having sex or if they came to me and asked?”.
I asked my husband (and several other people) what he thought.
We both agreed age/maturity/and who they were having sex with would matter to us and we talked a lot about how we would handle it. The situation really boiled down to a few different points:
That buying birth control for them is tacit approval of them having sex.
I can totally see this point of view. I would not, no matter how much my kid begged, buy alcohol and take away car keys so they could party with their friends in a safe, controlled environment. But, that is also an illegal offense. And I would make it clear that if my kids do drink or they are with someone who has been drinking that they can call me at any time, any where and I will come and get them versus them even attempting to drive or be driven by a drinking kid, no questions asked.
The other point was this:
If they are too immature and unable to get their own condoms then they shouldn’t be having sex and it might deter them from doing so.
Well, yes. That seems obvious. But that is no guarantee they won’t. And again, if they are going to do it, don’t I want to also do as much as possible for them to be as safe as possible?
But don’t I also want to make it as difficult as possible for them to have it in the first place?
But, but, BUT!!!!!
Ugh.
I go back and forth.
It hurts my head.
Do I believe teens having sex is inevitable?
No.
But.
I am also very realistic.
I want my children to not be teen parents.
To be STD free.
To be safe.
So, to address the question in the title and that has been churning around in my brain for far too long…
Would I buy condoms for my boys?
I honestly don’t know.
My guess is that even if I think and think and come to a decision, it will STILL be something I’d have to decide all over again in the moment. I’ll just keep talking, writing and puzzling it out and hope that I make the best decision possible for me and my family.
But more than that?
I am secretly hoping it’s a decision I NEVER have to make.
What about you? How have you/will you/would you handle these topics with your kids?
LL,
We are right in the middle of hormone land in our house with an 18 year old male and 16 year old female. It has been echoed here already, but our almost 2 year old has been the best birth control we could have ever planned for. In fact, we may never become Grandparents.
We used some good books along the way to help us share our expectations with our kids. The first is “Passport2Purity” by Dennis Rainey, and the other is “Sexual Revolution” by Kris Vallotton and I highly recommend both. We have always tied our faith to morality and these books give a framework of why it is important. “Because it is a sin” never worked for me. I fact, it all but guaranteed I would give it a try.
Since our son was conceived our senior year of college, we determined to share the good and bad of being parents when we were not ready openly with our kids. Even though we expect our children to wait until marriage to give the gift of purity to their spouse, we have also made it clear that if they can’t wait we want to know so they don’t have to start out the way we did.
Before our son left on his 5 month trip across America with the Honor and Remember flag campaign, I took him aside and we talked again about the reality of sexual desire and that the most important thing is to be safe and not make any babies along the way! He doesn’t have an intimate relationship with a girl right now but my fear is he is like me and only waiting for an opportunity. :)
Hopefully we really do have our kids hearts and will be the first to know when things get hot and heavy.
I have girls. So…should I hand out condoms to any boy who comes within ten feet of my house? Snort. I don’t want to think about this. NOOOOOOOOO. But? I think you are better being safe than sorry. If talking about abstinence only till marriage worked? Well the population of this country would be next to nothing.
I am a firm believer in preventing teen parents as much as possible. So? I’m going to say yes. I’ll likely give my son condoms one day. I’d also put my girls on BC if they had a serious boyfriend, or even just asked me. Which I know isn’t a popular opinion…but my cousin is about to be a grandmother. At forty-one years old. Life happens, ya know?
Although, I’m looking up islands to send my kids to when they hit HS, as we speak. ;)
Um, I have girls and a boy. but like you? A child that is so small and smushable, doesn’t count in regards to this stuff yet. The end. ;)
We lived on an island briefly (for my husband’s work). It was great – privacy, no visitors unless we allowed it (a defence facility), only 4 other families, like being on a farm except surrounded by water…it was bliss. But we had to move for my husband’s sanity. He was always at work even when he wasn’t.
But I did love living on an island :)
Coming from a teen (albeit female!), I wouldn’t see being given condoms as my mother encouraging me to have sex. When I was about 13, she said “I’m not expecting you to have sex any time soon, but I’d rather you at least know how to put a condom on a guy” and demonstrated on a banana! Then she gave me a few condoms just in case and told me never to assume a guy would have them. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 17, almost 18, so I wouldn’t say it had a negative effect. The same goes for most of my friends – their parents were pretty upfront about sex and a few were also given condoms, and we were all in the 16-18 age range before we became sexually active and all take things like condoms seriously. My mum is still upfront with me about sex – I’m 18 now, and last week she gave me a box of about 50 condoms that she ‘just happened’ to have! Although I’m not expecting to use them any time soon.
I like the comments above from a few people about keeping a box/basket of condoms in the bathroom and not keeping tabs on it. That’s probably what I’ll do if I have teenagers.
My boys are 17 (my stepson) and 14 (my son). When my 17 yr old turned 15 his mom got him a box of condoms. He was born when she was 15, sooooo I’m thinking she is hoping he doesn’t repeat history. Now every xmas he gets condoms in his stocking, at her house and at ours. At first I was all like OMG she gave him WHAT?!!? And then I was like ohhhh, hey thats a great idea!!! Had someone given my 16 yr old brother condoms and sat his butt down and had the “this is how babies are made WEAR them” talk, he probably wouldn’t have had baby #1 at 17 with his 14 yr old gf. Had someone sat my stepsons mom down when she started her period and had the “this is how babies are made MAKE HIM WEAR THIS & DOUBLE CHECK TO MAKE SURE ITS ACTUALLY ON RIGHT” she wouldn’t've had him at 15.
My stepson now has an almost 2 yr old little sister and says he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS wears one.
My 14 yr old is mentally delayed and doesn’t even realize that his body is, having a moment of its own. The day he came home from school in 5th grade and said “MOM!! I have black hair on my balls, do you want to see?” I sat him down to talk about the changes his body was going through. He understood that hair was growing and not much else. Now at almost 15, he has a mustache, hairy legs, and some chest hair but is very unaware of his body. I got him a book that shows how a boys body changes and things that it may do and he didn’t want any part of it. So I haven’t had the sex/condom talk with him.
My son is 10 so this has been on my mind as well although I’m hoping I have a good many years before we really have to worry about it.
I think the answer somewhat lies in geography as well. Where you live it’s entirely possible your boys will meet girls who were raised the same way you were and who just don’t believe in pre-marital sex.
Where I live teen pregnancy is like a disease, it’s contagious and it spreads like wildfire. Our high school has a daycare in it (don’t even get me started). When I was young I had a huge amount of acquaintances and a very diverse group of close friends. By the time I was 17 I was the only one of my friends without a baby. It didn’t matter their upbringing, how open their parents were with them, how supportive their parents were. It just boiled down to boredom I think.
I’ve spent a LONG time thinking about those years. When my husband and I met and he moved here he was appalled to see most of my friends had kids. He’s from a bigger city and I’m sure they have teen pregnancy there but it’s not as obvious. Here it’s a big deal.
It’s a little bit rebellion and a lot of boredom. We don’t sink any money as a community in to our kids. Unless they play sports they are bored. They drink beer and they have sex. They start young and they are not careful about it. It’s not new. They are starting younger now than they used to, but it’s been a problem here for at least 2 generations that I know of.
This is getting long and I probably should have just put it in a blog post so I’ll try to wrap it up.
I was a rebellious kid. I had the “perfect” life and I rebelled like crazy. My mom didn’t talk to me about sex. I learned everything from my friends and the school. When I was about 17 she decided to start discussing sex with me. TOO LATE. I was not promiscuous by any standard but I definitely was sexually active and I was NOT safe about it which wold scare the tar out of me later.
At some point I wanted a baby. All of my friends had babies and they were so sweet and I loved them all so much. Thankfully God had other plans for me. My brother was not so lucky. He didn’t want a baby but his girlfriend did and she forgot to mention that to him. My niece is 15 this year. Her dad just turned 31.
I am very honest with my son. I spend a lot of time teaching him to respect women. Something the boys in my age group did not do.
When we adopted our daughter there were 15 girls pregnant at our middle school. 15 girls under the age of 15!!
For me to ignore that would be dangerous for my son and stupid. I wish I could. I don’t want to be that mom, I really don’t. But I have to I think.
My parents weren’t proactive with us and it bit them in the butt. I refuse to let my son deal with what my brother went through.
So all of this? Is my way of saying ABSOLUTELY!! I will not stock them for him and let him know they’re here because I do feel that’s basically giving him permission. I will however take him to buy them as soon as he asks and I’ll do my damnedest to make sure he knows he CAN ask. Something my brother and I just never knew.
We are very open — to the point that it makes my adult friends uncomfortable when I tell them what my kids and I have talked about — when talking about sex, all aspects of it. My two sisters have contracted HPV, and someone close to me was recently diagnosed with AIDS (which is why I wear the ribbon). My oldest daughter has received the entire Gardasil series. But if I had to answer today, Would I buy condoms for my kids? My answer would be no.
My daughter was at the gyn today. Yes, I paid for it and yes – I pay for her birth control pills. I also paid for her gardasil series – and quite honestly, I think a parent who doesn’t get her daughter the gardasil is seriously remiss. (My neighbor died of cervical cancer!)
My boys haven’t asked for money for condoms, but if they did I would provide it. If they are asking – they’re having sex not just thinking about having sex.
As parents it’s easy to think our kids will always do the “right” thing and make smart decisions, but guess what? They don’t. They’re teenagers and teenagers are not very mature. They also have raging hormones and I’m convinced those raging hormones seriously affect the function of their brains!
: )
My plan is to give my daughter a plausible “out.” I had horrible periods right from the beginning, lots of pain, cramping and LONG (8 days or so). The pill really helped regulate them when I finally got on it (about 2 years AFTER I starting having sex, btw). My mom’s periods were like that, too, so when we have the period talk, I’ll tell her its a possibility that hers could be like that, too, and if so, we can go see the doctor about it and get her on the pill (and the pill also prevents pregnancy if you ever do have sex, which you won’t, cause you’re too important and special to be giving that stuff away). That way she can come to me to get them without straight out telling me about “the sex.”
I don’t think I will buy my boy condoms. Boys are pretty resourceful about getting them, most boys I know had them, and I intend to fully freak the crap out of him about fatherhood and nasty diseases on his wee-wee.
So, once again, the sexes get treated differently. There, I said. Men and women are not the same.
For me, it’s tricky as you’re in *such* a ‘sex-before-marriage-is-awful’ location. Going into a drugstore and asking for condoms would be extra hard in that case (many stores lock them up b/c they get stolen, so you have to *ask*, not just buy. I say they get stolen b/c of the stigma of buying them, and that the whole thing feeds itself. Anyway.)
Working at Planned Parenthood, and having one nearby, my idea for now is going to be to let the kids know that there are always FREE condoms available through the pick-up window, and I’ll facilitate their getting condoms from the store if they need them. Kids’ personalities may change this, but since keeping unlimited condoms around the house wouldn’t be a good idea (they’d expire, as it’s not what we use for protection), it’s the best plan I have so far. Maybe also have a single box around, so that there’s something in place for ‘in-the-moment’ decisions?
I really see it as being similar to your plan for drunk driving (which was my parents’ plan, too) – you can’t control whether your kid drinks, just like you can’t control whether they have sex. But you can talk with them about it, make sure they’re educated and control how easy it is for them to mitigate the dangers.
Hmmm, hard to say, but probably. Especially, like you mentioned, if they asked for it!
My senior year of HS, my BFF left halfway through the year to have a baby [gave him up for adoption], and finished out the year at the continuation school. A month later, I took myself to the free clinic to get on the pill. Because, holy smokes, I sure wasn’t gonna have a baby!
There is more I could write, about my own upbringing and decisions about sex, but I won’t, since this is public. But I’ll email you if you want. ;p
I’d buy the condoms. If you are too embarrassed to go buy condoms, you shouldn’t be having sex, but you absolutely will anyway, if you are most kids.
1. I grew up in a small town where I would probably have been recognized if I bought them. And yet I was having sex, and so was pretty much everyone else, frankly.
2. I am personally of the belief that boys should wrap it up no matter what some girl is telling them about being on the pill. Girls can be stupid. And even manipulative. And also infected with something. The responsible thing to do, if you have a penis, is to put a condom on it, especially if you really really really can’t afford a baby. Antibiotics, among other things, can make the pill less effective. Risks are all well and good for someone who is 25. Less so for a 16-year-old. Use two methods. Shit, use three. Because a baby is gonna be one hell of a big deal.
3. I enjoyed my sex life from the time I had one, and I have no regrets whatsoever. I think that it’s a bunch of BS that everyone acts as if sex is Such. A. Big. Deal. No wonder people get all traumatized about it. They’ve been taught that it’s the end of the world. Don’t date anyone who is too big of an asshole, wrap it up, and have fun, and you will probably be just fine. Some of the sexually guiltiest people I know feel that way because they were taught that sex is some epic blunder. Yeah, and smoking pot will KILL YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS. (I never smoked pot, but I always found the dramatization too absurd for most smart kids to take seriously.)
4. Truthfully, I don’t think sex HAS to be particularly dangerous as compared to riding your bike down the street. I think parents hate thinking about it, hate thinking of their kids growing up, and have their own views about morality, and are mourning that loss of control, and all of that gets in the way of common sense and an acceptance of the fact that most kids are gonna do it. Like I said, everyone I knew did. My mom would have flipped her shit, and I did it anyway. Parental approval is so beyond not necessary that it’s a joke to even consider the idea that parental approval matters much one way or the other, especially if your child is smart enough to understand “we think you should wait but we want to protect you every way we know how.” Kids aren’t morons and I think they can absolutely differentiate that from “SURE! GO AHEAD!”
Ooh, I wonder about this too. I’m barely married, and we don’t have kids yet, but I come from the same religious background as you. I already wonder what the heck I’m going to do. I waited (mostly) and I’m really glad I did.
But 3 of the girls I grew up with got pregnant either in highschool or right after. 2 of those girls had STD’s. It happens.
Their parents were completely shocked. The girls talked openly about their sex lives with their friends, but their parents had no idea. They knew their parents would be horrified, and felt too guilty to go to them.
Also, I had friends who went crazy at BYU and BYU Idaho, and slept around. A lot. And they didn’t always use condoms.
I hope my kids won’t do that. I hope that I’ll teach them well. But really? Some kids are just going to do what they are going to do.
So I worry about it.
Yes, it is very very tricky. Thank god I have great friends who have turned into my sons mother as well as me. We have always said no glove no love. Period. He knows everything about sex, even coming to me asking me why children were laughing at him when he was carrying some balls. When I asked him what color they were I got it! He has asked most of the questions and I answer him honestly. I know what the school is teching in regards to sex education and I am always there for him to ask questions. If he was quiet after the class, it would be a few days then he would ask me all sorts of questions, I think he was trying to process everything. He is 17 now, and protects himself and his girl, I dont think that they are having sex, but who knows.. the parents are always the last to know.
I haven’t actually bought my son condoms, but I have told him where his father and I keep ours and let him know he is welcome to take some.
I did this when he was 16. It was with the understanding that he would have to leave me a note letting me know he took one. And also that he not buy them at the 99 cent store (He is the biggest cheapskate ever!).
I learned this lesson the hard way. My daughter is now 23 divorced twice and has three children.
BUY THE CONDOMS
So just out of curiosity, since I don’t have kids yet and am already freaking out about this issue….
Is sewing their legs together an option?
Just sayin’…
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