*UPDATE: Reports started surfacing after I posted this that she is believed to be safe. Which is a huge relief. I thought about taking this post down but honestly, the thoughts and sentiments here are bigger than this one story and things like this will most certainly happen again. I feel there is an important message here. xo
For the few that do not know, Abby Sunderland is a 16-year-old junior in high school attempting to be the youngest person to sail solo around the globe. Right now a rescue operation is underway to find her in the middle of the Indian Ocean because she set two of her emergency beacons off last night.
No one knows if she is alive or not.
I’m not really here to comment on her story, though…I am going to talk about the reaction to it and the massive backlash that is hitting her family right now.
Abby seems like an AMAZING young woman. Very skilled and very passionate. For me personally, as a mother who has lost a child, I know I could never sign off on my 16-year-old sailing solo around the world, no matter how passionate and skilled they were. I could not, simply could not take that risk when I have already had so much taken from me already.
But that is ME.
And I am the first to admit that like MANY who are knee-jerk reacting to this story without knowing anything about her, her qualifications or her history, I don’t know nearly enough about the situation to comment on her story adequately.
I am also not her parents.
But I don’t need to be her parent to empathize from one parent to the other about the basic worry of the welfare of your child. No matter what my own choices would be.
I am sure they are extremely worried right now.
As I went around reading different articles, the comments were pretty horrifying.
Everyone seemed to want two things: The parents to be held accountable and to know how much the rescue effort would cost and who will pay for it? (Said in much, MUCH harsher, ugly lingo as is wont to happen on the Internet, of course.)
Even if they were wishing Abby well and safe it almost seemed to be an after thought.
Look, this is an unusual situation and I know many are bewildered, upset and are thinking and voicing their opinions about her parents and this venture and also about all the other people who seem to do risky things only to have other people put their own lives at risk to go bail them out and the money involved. (These, especially the latter, have valid points to them. Especially when others are put at risk to rescue .)
BUT NOW IS NOT REALLY THE TIME FOR THAT.
Let’s get her home safe. See what the situation is and stop hurling all this horrible, ugly crap at a family who is trying to see if their loved one is alive or dead.
This story hit me hard.
I thought of all the hell I went through when we lost Matthew…and how it would feel to try and cope with that along with hatred and ugliness from so many.
My empathy is one that goes above blame. It’s base and almost automatic from one parent who has lost a child to others who are fearing for theirs.
I ache for them.
Because I can tell you, if something has happened to her?
Those parents will be in a much worse hell than most can imagine and they will have to live with it and play and replay and regret and hurt and have guilt like no others. And it will not just be the hell in their own heads…as I have seen today the weight and judgment of the world will crash down and do its best to pulverize them into the earth out of their own sense of outrage.
It seems to happen again, and again when tragic situations happen. The blame. The anger. The self-righteous judging and hateful comments hurled on grieving and worried people that are in the midst of crises.
I can see why people are upset that they allowed her to try this but I also feel strongly that until they know the fate of their girl people should just back the hell off already.
Whether I, or anyone, approves of what they allowed or not.
It’s just the decent thing to do.
I truly hope she is ok.
so true. it’s sometimes difficult to remember that there are real people with real feelings behind the stories in the news. but you’ve given me a good reminder, so thanks for that. i really hope that girl makes it home safely.
I agree. I read the news reports about her tonight too. I felt sick when the news articles popped up and while I understand that people love to stand in judgment, this is so not the time. That poor girl is out there somewhere and her family must be frantic. I also hope that she’s ok.
It’s terribly sad. I can’t even imagine the grief her parents are going through, worrying so much. Abby is extremely skilled though; I hope that she is ok. Dateline just did a segment on her a week or two ago that was really interesting. We’re keeping her and her family in our prayers. I agree, people should just BACK OFF the comments.
MSNBC and other news sites are reporting her alive and well: http://twitter.com/msnbc_breaking/status/15910034990
(I don’t really have an opinion on should her parents have let her sail or not, but I’m recalling a story from before she set off that her brother made this same trip a few years ago? Anyway, not totally sure, but great! news that she seems to be just fine.)
Ditto!! Exactly every word you said my dear. I never understand why people jump to judging when someone else is living with the fear that their precious baby may be gone. They have to wait terrified that she is scared and sad and wonderng if they got the beacons etc etc etc. Poor girl. And poor mom dad and brother. Wishing them all the best and a joyful safe reunion.
My parents allowed me to go to Europe by myself when I was 16. I stayed with various family friends in different locations, but traveled and made decisions alone–including an impromptu trip to Italy (because, you know, it’s there.) Looking at the Abby story, the backlash, and what I know now of 16 year-olds, I can barely imagine a teen these days doing the same thing.
But boy, I learned a lot ;)
I’m sure Abby’s parents are breathing a sigh of relief for the news that they are receiving. No parent should have to endure that has been inflicted on the Sutherland family. Great post Loralee always thinking of you
I’m so glad you left this up. I too saw the backlash of hate being spread around the internet & was horrified for all the reasons you’ve listed. I don’t think any of those people have tried to put themselves in her parents shoes at all.
When I was 18, I went off to college & got horribly sick. Hospital level sick. I weighed 115 lbs and 3 days later weighed 100 lbs. No one could figure out why my body was effectively rejecting food and causing severe dehydration. I came home for a week and then much to my parents objections I went back to school. I was 18, but they could have stopped me if they’d wanted. In hindsight, I tell my mom I can’t believe she allowed it. She says there was no stopping me, so she prayed a lot and called several times a day. I have been thinking of this often when I think about Abby & her parents. I think she was as well trained as she was going to be. They put her in the best position they could (equipment, planning, etc…) but there was NO STOPPING her. (You could see in interviews, her mother’s eyes looked haunted. These are interviews done before she went missing.)
As a parent it’s a hard thing to let go like that. To know there are real, honest dangers, but to also know the choice is really no longer your own. The trolls out there can say what they will, but I think her parents knew it wasn’t up to them anymore.
I’m really, really glad she’s ok. And I hope she gets to finish her trip.
You know, when I heard she was missing, and heard people talking about it and the cost of rescue etc, I started wondering, “if everyone played it safe, and no-one lived out their dreams what kind of world would we be in?”
I understand that people have opinions and we tend to voice them without fully knowing situations, but I also think that Abby’s parents would have stopped her if they truly thought she wasn’t capable of doing the trip. They would have made sure she had everything she needed – experience and materially – in order to go.
Hi Loralee
News in Australia is that local search crews have made contact with Abby and that she is indeed fine – what a relief:) And… Australia will foot the bill for the search and rescue mission. So all the poo-pooers can now relax – similar reactions here when Jessica Watson(16 year old Australian girl who has just become the youngest sailor to go solo around the world) set off on her circumnavigation. Dont know if I would let any of my children be doing anything like this but Abby is ok for now so lets pray she makes it home safe and sound
Amen and Amen!!
I just watched the news here in Perth, Western Australia. We are the port of most of the Indian Ocean rescues.
This evening’s news states that she has been located and is ok but that her boat has been de-masted. They are saying it will be another 24 hours before they reach her so it will be a long night for the poor girl.
I remember the hate and disbelief that started before she had even set sail from people who called her parents everything from crazy to neglectful to abusive. Every time someone expressed the opinion that it was great she was following her dream someone else would say “You won’t feel the same way when she’s DEAD.” As soon as I heard she was missing I knew those trolls would be back, saying “I told you so!” and “Now her parents will get what they deserve” and even worse.
Before I had a baby I thought I would definitely let my daughter do something like what Abby’s doing. I guess I indentify more with the adventerous teenager than the critics. After I had a baby I realized just how hard it would be to let a child do this. But I also understood better just how prepared she must have been and how many precautions must have been taken – the very precautions that have possibly saved her life. She didn’t wake up on morning and decide sailing around the world would be fun. She trained for years and is probably more comfortable on the water than most people are on their couches. Things worked the way they were supposed to – the way you know her parents must have prayed for every single second since she left – and I literally sobbed in relief that she was OK. Mostly because the death of any child breaks my heart in a way I couldn’t have imagined before coming a mother, but partly because now I know her parents don’t have to deal with the hateful, vitriolic attacks on top of grieving a loss.
Amen!
I am so glad she is alive and well. She’s a local girl and somehow that makes it tug at my heart more.
Abby sounds like an extraordinary young woman and I am relieved that she is safe. I can’t imagine what the last 24 hours or so have been like for her family. This was a good post, Loralee. People need to learn to think before they speak.
Thank God she’s alive and well because now I can be totally judgmental about her parents.
I thought about writing about this, too, but I actually couldn’t figure out what to say. I think you nailed it.
All I could think of when reading about this yesterday, was…how scared that young lady must have been to find herself in trouble, and how terrified her parents must be, in paralyzing ways.
And when I thought about a 16 year-old out there sailing around the world (and my daughter is only a few months shy of 16) it was simply not a reality that made any sense to me. But my thought was not, what a bunch of insane parents, but…wow, what a different kid that girl must be from mine.
My thought was that there was a lot about that family that I must not know.
And I hurt for them, thinking their girl might be lost.
And now she’s found, and I’m very very grateful.
AMEN!
What struck me most are the people who demand to know who was going to pay for the rescue effort. Would they be so demanding if Abby were 20, 30, 40, or 50 years old? Where is the outrage when hikers go missing? It is such an odd thing to demand – at least to me it is odd.
and I agree with everything you said.
This morning when read an article about her, my first thought was “Wow, 16 is so young. She must be an extraordinary young woman to have such confidence and talent to accomplish such a goal.” I then thought that her parents were even more extraordinary. I can only hope to be nearly as brave the day I must let go of my daughter so she can chase her dreams.
amen. so glad you said it.
I watched Abby’s story before she started her journey. I’m a lifelong sailor, and I fully understand the urge to make this adventure a reality. I don’t feel anyone has a right to make a judgement as to her parents’ decision making, unless they know the family personally and KNOW Abby and what she’s capable of.
I’m thrilled to know she’s ok. I can’t even imagine being dismasted in such overwhelming conditions (a significant storm system and 20-30 foot seas). I have absolutely no doubt that Abby will mount a new circumnavigation challenge. It’s in her blood, and I hope she makes it on the next try.
Such a perfect post focusing on the *true* importance of the story.
all to break records, get a bit of fame, and potential book/movie deals. A lot of media attention, tv appearances,….all at the expense of a 16 yr old life. She’s not old enough to fully realize that she’s not invincible. There are so many irresponsible parents beating kids, on drugs, sexual abuse, etc. Her parents aren’t these things. They are wealthy and healthy, so should be in a position to make better decisions. This was not a good decision. If sailing the world is really her dream, she can do it now with her family, and once she graduates, can buy her own boat, and learn how to really take care of herself…then maybe she will be old enough to make these decisions. But now? She’s living her dad’s dream.
Abby got lucky…and hopefully nothing bad will happen to any of the rescue team as they go out to get her. Unfortunately Jessica wasn’t as lucky.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jessica_Dubroff
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laura_Dekker
I was one of the few who didn’t jump to throw mud at the woman who put her son on the plane to Russia and I am one of the few now. It’s not that I don’t have my own opinion and feelings on the situations it’s just that without all of the facts I refuse to voice those opinions, we just don’t know. Unless we’re privy to everything said and done behind a situation it’s just not right to make comments and it’s certainly not right when a child’s life hangs in the balance.
I honestly can’t see why/how people are condemning her parents. We send teenagers driving on the interstate every day. Some can fly airplanes, right? In a mere two years she’d be eligible to join the military and potentially enter life threatening situations. Or hey, sail around the world on her own dime.
Would I let my kid sail around the world? Probably not.
But I have to believe Abby has the chops to do what she’s attempting, or her parents wouldn’t have let her try.
I’m glad Abby is safe. And I’m not going to comment on the decision that her parents made to let her make this trip; they know her – I don’t.
So Australia is footing the rescue bill – that’s nice of us.
Abby has announced that she will make another attempt at the trip (presumeably not for a little while).
I wonder (given that this first attempt did require a rescue mission) whether she/her family will attempt to repay this cost (estimated at around $200,000) before her next attempt? Because I do think that there is an element of taking responsibilty for these risks, especially after such as experience the first time.
And to CrazyCatLady – there was similar outrage over here in Oz after a hiking rescue (last year, I think) regarding repayment of costs. It was an English fellow, I believe, who was lost for a number of days, and completely unprepared with supplies.
Accidents happen, but lessons are there to be learned. I am not so forgiving with my taxpayer dollars the second time around.
I haven’t been following this story as closely as you, but I was aware of it, and yesterday I ready abby’s blog post about her recovery and her loss of her boat, Wild Eyes. I have been following the case of a 7 year old boy who went missing over a week ago from his school And,like you with Abby’s case, I have been reading the hateful, hateful comments the internets have put out there. Blaming the ‘stepmother’ who raised the boy from an infant, for basically taking her child to school. Blaming the parents for not coming forward to plead with the media for the safe return of their child.
Blaming the parents for sleeping, eating, going to the grocery store. Because apparently? The public, knows how this family should react. The apparently have a script for how you should react when you child is missing from school for (at this moment) nine days, but they haven’t given the family the script and are judging that family.
It’s horrible watch. I have a son close to this boy’s age, everyday he gets on the school bus and i don’t call the school five times a day to make sure he is there, I assume he is. so far the only things the parents are guilty of is sending their son to school and then not knowing how to handle the onslaught of media surrounding their personal hell.
Ultimately I think the general public wants to assure themselves that these things won’t happen to them. If I walk my son to his class every morning (which I’m personally not allowed to do at my son’s school for safety reasons-there is a drop off area) if I don’t allow my 16 year old to leave the house ever then nothing bad will ever happen to them!
We both know that is not true. I’m saddened by the negativity that the internet allows, allowing people to comment on other’s lives in a relative anonymous way.
I love the internet and also have pride in how good people can spread the news quickly across a nation about a missing boy.
Basically my heart breaks. Abby is safe, now let’s find Kyron.
Thanks for leaving this up (partly because I’m such a slacker I’m just getting to it now). I was a fiercely independent child. I fought my parents hard for that independence too. At 17 I went on vacation with a friend (who was 18) and although I look at my daughter and think ‘Not on your life sweetie’ I also know how much that trust and independence meant to me. I was a very mature street-smart child and I imagine that if Abby has been able to learn and achieve everything she’s needed to for her and her family to feel like she could do this then we need to back off. I can’t imagine her parents would have sent her off if she’d only been out in a dinghy once and couldn’t swim.
I think that, sadly, oftentimes when a tragic event or trauma happens, people are so terrified by it that they need to convince themselves that the people involved did something heinous or ridiculous or negligent that they would *never* do, so they cast stones and attack people who are, as we all are, just doing the best they can with what they have.