You’re beautiful to me…*

Beautiful.

There is so much said about that word–what defines it, how to find it, and what it all means. People much more eloquent than I have tackled this subject. Hell, I don’t even want to “tackle” it, I just want to celebrate it today and hope that it gets as much retention as attention when all is said and done.

There are so many hard things in the world. So much ugliness. So much sadness and ill-will. When we find the beautiful things in the world they should be recognized and valued. REJOICED in and praised. And if that beauty comes in the form of another person it is more important to shine a light on it, in my opinion.

I have MANY beautiful people around me.

And I am going to talk about one of them today.

And she is going to talk about me.

And we’re going to FIND TEH PRETTY AND GO YAY! SQUEE! EVERYONE should find someone and do this!!!  Think about what you find beautiful and where and who you find it with and put your thoughts down on paper (computer…hee). Because I KNOW that you all have someone that you find beautiful, inspiring and that has influenced you for the better.

The subject of my post certainly has.

You may know her, you may not.

I love her.

Catherine, of Her Bad Mother.

This post is a long time in the making. It started with a tearful session at BlogHer 2007 and culminated with an idea sprung over McDonald’s cheeseburgers and wine in a hotel suite in Houston. Catherine and I were talking about beauty and ugliness at Mom 2.0 and we wanted to celebrate how freaking beautiful people can be, how that beauty can find and touch us and how sometimes, that beauty we find in other people can start in unexpected ways.

A few days ago, knowing that we planned this post to publish this week, I sent Catherine an email that sobbed and cried and asked if we could push it back or cancel the project because I DID NOT FEEL BEAUTIFUL. What I felt like was a mound of evil, shitty, crap.  I was raw and hurting from sharing my deepest shame online with the world that week and the fallout that almost always accompanies things like it.

And if her reply doesn’t explain the heart of Catherine, I don’t know what else will. (Well, I COULD go into the fact that we broke into the song “Tomorrow” from Annie in the middle of the Grand Ballroom in Houston, WHICH MAKES HER RAD LIKE NO OTHER, but you can probably just read the email excerpt for now.)

“You are a beautiful, beautiful soul, and my heart breaks that you’ve been subjected to that hate – a hate that I know too well, as you know – and I wish that I had words to erase it but the only words that I have are the ones that say you are beautiful, you are wonderful, you are a woman who every woman should have as a heart friend.”

It makes me grin to remember that Catherine used to scare the shit out of me.

(I seriously have the most complimentary way with words, I know.)

But, it’s true.

She did.

I didn’t find her off-putting or rude, or “out-of-my-league-high-school-bullshit-people-refer-to-way-too-much-about-the-blogging-world” or anything like that. If I have learned anything from being online a long-ish time it is that we’re all just human. I think that I can be pretty damn awesome. I let a lot of my insecurity show and often throw a freak-flag-flying parade on this blog but I know that I can add some really good things to humanity.

I really can.

But there is definitely a type of human that I feel intimidated and awkward around. And that is mainly comprised of people who have razor sharp, serious intellect that is packaged much differently than mine is.

This week I have allowed you all to see a glimpse into the darker areas of my soul. Maybe you can understand WHY it is absolutely vital for me to embrace the sillier side of myself and life with everything I’ve got. It is a genuine side to me but not the only side. It’s just the one that I put out there the most.

Catherine scared me because she is so damn smart, frankly.

She oozes competence.

And she did not seem like a person to suffer fools easily.

“Loralee, there is a difference between silliness and foolishness!“, she gently chided me at dinner during Mom 2.0 in Houston last month. And sitting there in front of plates containing some of the WORST TEX MEX known to mankind, I TOTALLY could see that. But at the time I first REALLY talked to Catherine, I was just a scared and intimidated thing that still hadn’t managed to get her footing back completely from living in the pit of despair for the better part of 3 years.

Even though I read her and knew of her, I “met” Catherine at my first BlogHer.

Catherine is quite a presence. You FEEL her in the room and man, does she stand out in a good way. She is someone you notice. You just do. She is tall, commanding and beautiful. As sharp, clear and fresh as a blue sky, winter morning.

I spent a lot of BlogHer watching her (in a totally non-stalker-creepy-way-I-swear way) but U was way too much of a chicken shit to say anything but stammer out how cute I thought her baby was. Because when I first met her she also had THIS gorgeous accessory with her at BlogHer:

I finally told her not long ago that seeing this wee baby, in this little brown jumper, at BlogHer made me start thinking about having another baby again. Considering the hell we went through when Matthew died, this was a big moment for me. I hadn’t been introduced to her yet and I didn’t feel I knew her well enough to ask…. but I positively ached to hold him. Which was huge for me. I had said, “No, no, NO” about it after Matthew died for so long that I was almost shocked when heard a faint, “YES”, when I looked at Jasper.

That alone is one of the most beautiful gifts I’ve ever received.

THEN I got to actually know the woman.

And in true “Loralee-style” I made a literal splash when I did so.

I was bawling my eyes out in a BlogHer session. (I know. Loralee cries at EVERY BlogHer at least once, but at the time, this was a new thing for me.).

I was having a terrible time online. A terrible, hurtful situation that I needed help with.

And I was able to sob my guts out talk about it.

And the people who wrapped their arms around me after that session was over included the very people I was so intimidated and scared of. Amazing how that works, right?

Catherine was one of them.

She certainly did NOT have to go out of her way to help a snotting unknown blogger in pain feel better about themselves, but she did anyway. In a way that gave me hope that I could get through the muck of the year and keep plodding on doing what I loved.

Others survived it, I could, too.

And it was the start of so much lovely.

Catherine says things how she sees them and I am constantly amazed at her level of courage. However, I am also learning that sometimes just being true to yourself seems MUCH less courageous to you than other people go on about. Still, though…she is the epitome of courage to me. I don’t know anyone else who takes as much heat for just being herself online and I certainly don’t know anyone who could do it with as much grace and with such welcome of open dialog. She handles walking the fire like few I’ve seen and she gets her fair share of flames thrown publicly at her.

We don’t always agree but that is precisely what I love so much about this woman–that isn’t required. And often, just by listening to her she makes the rusty hamster wheels in my brain start turning and I almost always learn something I didn’t know before, even if it’s just about myself. She manages to have and maintain deep feeling and the backbone and ability to convey them while staying true to who she is. That is a huge wonderful thing.

Beautiful, even. ;P

Her words have touched my heart.

That heart has broken for her at times, for things and loss and what is ahead.

Her experiences have made me laugh, cry, smile and see red with injustice felt for other people.

She’s one of the wisest and most kind people out there-as true and wise and beautiful as they come.

And I love her dearly for it.

I suppose teaming up and writing about the beautiful in each other could seem like a self-congratulatory thing or other superficial nonsense that can sometimes infect our little blogosphere. This is where I urge you to look a little deeper. As you read, I hope that you pondered your own life, online or off and who is around you.

Who do you know that radiates and pulls out the brave and the beautiful in you GO TELL THEM THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. Or? Tell them here or on your own blog or in an email, phone call or in person. And don’t forget about yourself!  What is beautiful about you?

EVERYONE needs someone to remind them they are beautiful.

I know that you have at least one that at least partially fits the bill.

Hopefully, you have many.

At the end of the day, if you are very lucky…you will have a Catherine.

*My apologies for quoting a James Blunt song to you for the title. I have food poisoning today and am amazingly ill and well…it was the best I could do.

**And I was biting my tongue so hard, but James Blunt’s voice kind of weirds me out.

***I’m not trying to be overly tough on the guy on a post that is about “Finding Beauty” but dude, I just cannot get all into a guy crooning at me when he has a higher pitched voice than I do.

****Which could say JUST as much about me being too dude-like as the effeminate of James Blunt. Maybe I should just embrace my inner guy.

*****AND at least James Blunt is not like THAT OTHER male singer that said his manly bits are like “a white supremacist”. Because that guy is a colossal tool that gives me butt heebies.

******AND NOW I AM PICTURING BUTT HEEBIES INDUCING COLOSSAL TOOL IN A MANKINI.

*******AND even if I DO embrace my “Dude-like-side?” NO WAY IN HELL can I get on board with a mankini. So. very.wrong.

******** Great. I have now branded my lovely post about Catherine with white supremacy, genitalia, butt heebies and a mankini. #Fail #youtoowantLoraleewritingaboutyouonline #FML

********** Meh. I’m just being myself. And I’m beautiful, it’s true. :p