There is probably no other place besides a blogging conference that you can have a deep theology discussion wearing a red McDonald’s Snuggie, a McDonald’s hat and drinking wine from a plastic cup.
And that is EXACTLY what I did with some lovely, beautiful women in Houston at Mom 2.0.
We each have WILDLY different beliefs.
(I was totally tempted to title this post “A Mormon, Catholic, Protestant, Atheist, and a Jew walked into a bar…”)
Lindsay, Catherine, Julie, Devra and I are like “The Blogging Super Best Friends” of religious backgrounds.
We all respect and like each other.
And today?
We are all going to address the same topic.
Together.
How do we, with our different experiences, talk about death with our children? (I also *finally* answer why I am not a practicing Mormon any longer.)
I have linked to their blog posts at the bottom of the page and deeply hope you go and read them. They are amazing.
You might have read the title of this post and had a negative reaction. And that is ok. It’s just…discussion about death at my house might not be quite the same as they are at yours.
For us, death is a horrible, hard, morbid and terrible reality that manifested in the cruelest of all ways. As many of you know, my beautiful baby boy, Matthew, passed away on September 23, 2003 of SIDS at the age of (almost) 4 months. SIDS stands for SUDDEN Infant Death Syndrome. We had no warning. No time to prepare for the onslaught of hell that was about to devastate and affect our lives for years and years to come.
My other children were 7 and 4 at the time. I was not there when they were told that their baby brother had died, and while I wish so much they could have had their mother with them during that experience, I am thankful that that is not yet another devastating moment that I have to relive in my head.
They were not prepared.
Not really.
NONE of us were.
We had mentioned what happens when someone dies here and there before that day in September, but never to any great detail. We did talk to the kids, but nothing formal, discussed beforehand. And honestly, we thought they were doing ok and “got it” for the most part. We absolutely talked to them about it afterwards, but they weren’t huge on the questions for a long time. I assumed they were just being reliant kids and just figured it out to their satisfaction.
I should have known never to assume anything when it comes to children. It came to bite me in the ass when I was driving my kids around on errands after Matthew passed away and Christopher suddenly, jarringly, piped up from the back seat.
“Mom? Is Matthew going to be a zombie now?”
“NO. He is NOT going to be a zombie. EVER.”
(Seriously, I LOVE HOW THESE QUESTIONS ALWAYS HAPPEN WHEN I AM TRYING TO OPERATE A VEHICLE)
“Well…if he isn’t going to be a zombie, can we dig him up to play with him?”
(Did I mention that I WAS TRYING TO DRIVE IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC?)
“…..No. You….Cannot….dig up your brother and play with him. I know you really want to but you can’t ever do that again. It’s hard and we all miss him and I’m so sorry because I know he loved it when you played together.”
“So…we can’t dig him up?”
“NO”.
Things got VERY quiet because I was REELING and Christopher was sad. Then I heard James whisper, “Don’t worry, Christopher. I know where Mom and Dad keep the shovels. They’re in the shed.”
Sigh.
(It’s ok. You can recoil or laugh. Or both. You have no idea how morbid the topics gets when someone close to you dies and how if you DIDN’T laugh? It would kill you. It almost killed me anyway and I laugh all the time.)
It was obvious that we needed to further address the issue of death and what happens when we die with our kids.
We picked a great analogy that was popular in our religion to explain physical death and souls to children. You take a glove and illustrate that as it is…it’s just a glove. Then you put it on your hand and move it around. Without your hand the glove is useless but when it covers the hand the two work beautifully together, just as it should. Then take the glove off. Once the glove is discarded and separated from the hand it is useless once again. But while the glove is useless, the hand can still move and exist without it.
It’s actually pretty snazzy and accurate to many faiths.
We made it clear that Matthew still existed as a spirit. That he was with Heavenly Father. That he still loved us and we still loved him. That he is ok.
A dear, long-time friend of mine looked physically pained during a conversation about this post when he told me that he believes when we die, we are just dead.
Period.
The End.
He didn’t want to hurt me. He cares about me and knows that losing a child is enough pain for someone without telling a grieving mother that her son is nowhere but in the dirt, in their opinion. But, no…he doesn’t believe we exist past this life.
Much as I adore him to bits and am truly respectful and supportive of him being comfortable with what he believes, I have to disagree for myself.
I believe in souls. I believe there is something in us that existed before we had a physical body and I believe that we will continue to exist once that body dies. No one can give me an acceptable scientific explanation for where that animation and beauty that is humanity comes from or where it goes. To me it is not explainable other than there has got to be something more than just this life.
The explanation at the time worked really well and the whole subject wasn’t as tough THEN as it would become.
Because THEN I was still a practicing, active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
A Mormon.
(Donny Osmond? Mitt Romney?? Ricky “The Ricker” Schroeder???)
Right now, while my name remains on church records, I do not attend nor adhere to any of the principles or the LDS faith.
I NEED TO BE CLEAR I AM NO REPRESENTATIVE OF MORMONISM.
I get asked why I left the Mormon Church more than just about ANYTHING about me (Besides, “Um..excuse me, but HOW DID SOMEONE LIKE YOU BECOME A 3-TERM PTA PRESIDENT!?”).
So, I thought I would FINALLY give you some insight today and cross my fingers that I can somehow condense issues and things that could well take up 6 volumes into one tiny blog post.
I am rather protective of Mormonism. While I am not active it IS my background. If I ever returned to religious practice, it would be that one. It is highly controversial and evokes the most face-melting hatred in some factions. I’m not interested at all in bashing it or hearing others bash or hate on it. There are like, elventyhundred other places to do that online, but this is not one of them. I’ve heard all the arguments and don’t mind discussing things AT ALL AS LONG AS YOU ARE RESPECTFUL IN YOUR DISSENT. (The delete key is my friend, yo.)
I’ve never had strong faith.
As far back as I can remember, church just wasn’t a great place to be. I WANTED it to be. Oh, MY the times that I would sit in church and wonder what was wrong with me that I didn’t seem to take as much…awesome comfort in it as everyone else. And people TRULY do. My brother, Rhett, is one of the most faithful people I know and the church gives him a true, deep happiness that I envy.
I deeply envy the comfort that it can be to people going through horrible trial.
I find that my issues (for the most part) were much more focused on God than The Mormon Church. (Though, do we have HUGE disagreements on many things. A post and discussion for another day.)
My faith in God was never awesome. I am not one to consider praying for help. I HAVE prayed, but it is not natural to me and usually it is on behalf of others. My childhood was hard and kind of lonely. I had a lot of things really screw with my head as a teenager and yet another thing ripped my faith into more pieces in my young adulthood than I could manage to put back together.
Matthew dying was the last nail in the coffin, I’m afraid.
God and I have been in a fight ever since.
And I don’t even know how I look at God or what his role and makeup is anymore.
Or Christ for that matter.
When Matthew died, every single thing I thought I knew about EVERYTHING was dumped on the floor in a mess and it may take more years than I have left to figure out what to do with them. I believe in some form of higher power, I’m just not sure WHAT, exactly.
I also know that when my little bug passed away I was initially VERY comforted. And I felt SPIRITUALLY comforted, even though that feeling would not only desert me but I would be left with my life in such tatters I would be looking UP to see hell. For a time, though it helped me.
And I am grateful for that.
Mormons deal with death as a whole in a very positive manner. There is crying and grief at funerals and about death, but not usually a general feeling of dispair. No veils or all black worn at funerals. There is huge, great, shiny hope in the after life and what it will mean to people. That we will all see each other again and the separation is temporary.The family is the primary focus. Temple marriages survive past the bonds of death, Families are eternal. If you go through the temple and are sealed, you are bound together for eternity as are your children. You will see your loved ones again if you live worthily and to prescribed standards. (And they are some pretty high standards. But again…that is a topic for another day.)
When children under 8 die, there is no test. They are exalted. Perfect, pure, innocents that automatically go straight back into the arms of Heavenly Father. The rest of the family will join them later and the temple-endowed parents of lost little ones will have a chance to raise them again after the resurrection of Christ.
Sounds lovely, no?
Here is the problem.
For many different reasons that are really none of your business, Jonathan and I are not sealed in the Temple.
Meaning…I am not sealed to Matthew.
There was little that was going to change that.
And when all was said and done, it was probably the primary reason I had to walk away from the Mormon faith.
I couldn’t take it.
Could not, could not, COULD NOT TAKE IT.
Could not take the thought of sitting there week after week hearing “families are forever” and knowing there was nothing I could do to make that happen. (Again. Long story.) and that my son was just…out there. HE was fine but what would happen to our family?
You have no idea the pressure, stress, worry, sorrow and fear.
Yes, I could have gone on my own but I honestly think it would have ripped my marriage apart even more than it ended up being in the end.
I couldn’t live like that.
And for that and soooooooooooooooooooo many more reasons, I became inactive.
If I had a lifetime of strong testimony and faith and comfort in it? I would probably still be there. But the truth of the matter is that being a practicing Mormon stresses me the hell out. I DO struggle with some aspects of not practicing, but over all I feel a lot more comfortable in my own skin. (Hey, SOMEONE has to go to the Middle Kingdom. And I am pretty ok with that as things go.)
I STRONGLY believe that this is what I need to do right now. I have had several attempts to return to church. It hasn’t worked out for more reasons than even I know.
I make sure my children go, though.
It was a decision made by all of us. They wanted to go and I am a believer that if you truly want to give your children a choice regarding religion and if they practice it, they need exposure to religion when they are children. I want to give faith a fighting chance with them. I don’t want my issues to be their issues. (And I realize MANY disagree with this, and that is ok, too.) Like, I said- I know plenty of truly happy LDS people that aren’t asshats. If my kids can pull that off and love it and be happy? I am for that. IF they are more like me and it’s not a great fit? Fine. But I want them to know that judging others for their beliefs and how they live is not ok. That seeing someone with a cup of coffee, cigarette, beer or wearing a tank top does not mean they are evil or unhappy with how they choose to live.
That is important to me.
They have many great examples of strong, faithful Mormons around them. Like their grandparents that take them to services every other week. They also have examples of people who are very different and not practicing that fiercely love them and have that love returned. Like their mother and father who make sure that they are able to go.
My children ask me all the time if I am going back to church. I tell them I love them. That I am ok. They are ok. That we will all be ok and that I truly believe that. I am supportive of them being religious. I tell them I support whatever they want to do with church. That I will make sure they go every week, that I send them to youth camps, that I will pay for their 2-year missionary service at 19 if they are worthy and want to serve. If they want to pray (and they usually do) we pray. I never stop anything they want to do religiously.
I have told my children that no matter what they discover about themselves and grow into: religious, non-religious, conservative, liberal, straight, gay, purple or alien that more than anything in this world, I want them to just be happy and comfortable with who they are deep at their core. Whatever path serves that is the one I hope they follow.
But.
As for me returning to church I will not be pushed faster and more than I want to/can walk in the area of faith.
I will go to church for no one but myself. Because I have done that and done that and it only serves to make me feel inadequate and miserable a huge portion of the time.
And right now?
I can’t. It’s not where I am at. I don’t know if it ever will be again.
And because Mormonism isn’t simply a religion but a culture and is such a huge part of my daily life, part of that makes me sad.
But not enough to change it.
I feel good.
Just as I am.
Happy.
Finally.
So?
For now?
The only thing that I really know for certain is that I don’t know a damn thing for certain.
But what I utterly believe with my heart and soul is that my son keeps existing. If I did not, I would break into a thousand more pieces than I could ever put back together again.
And?
I also believe that he is ok.
Beyond that, all I can hope is that after trying to wade through hell to get through a life on earth without him in it?
I will be ok, too.
**
Please take some time to explore the sister posts on this subject by my fellow “Super Best Friends”, and truly beautiful women, at their blogs below:
SUBURBAN TURMOIL (This was Lindsay’s brain child)
Sorry, I messed up the link to my blog. It is good now.
You know I love you…. We share a brain.
I do have to add that the things I have a problem with are things that I TRULY have a PROBLEM with. Prop 8 was the straw that broke this camels back, but prior to prop 8, I had big problems with “families are forever” Because guess what? They aren’t. I had a family, my family of birth, And when my parents got divorced, we weren’t a family any more. My previous marriage, though sealed in the temple, is no longer together, so how Families can be together forever is preached is difficult for me to listen to. because FAMILIES ARE NOT ALWAYS FOREVER!
The other HUGE bug is the whole polygamy thing. If you think I am going to share Brandon with a sister wife, you’ve got a serious problem there my Lord.
End Rant.
Is it okay if I rant because I am a fellow Mormon? If it’s not okay, please delete this and don’t give it a second thought. I promise I won’t feel badly. Because like you, I can rant all day about the church, but if others start bitching about it, I get defensive.
Babe, this was not hateful nor disrespectful. You have issues with the theology, as do I.
I didn’t mean people couldn’t say anything, but I didn’t want any hatefulness here. This isn’t even close to that. That whole “Others bitching” thing is appropriate. Protective of it because I think as a whole Mormons see a WHOLE lot of persecution to varying levels. It’s like family…I can bitch about them all day long but if someone ELSE does, look out!! :)
Me love you long time.
And yeah…I have very strong feelings about Prop. 8 so I hear you. xoxoxoxoxo
Thank you so much for your post today! I’ve been trying to figure out how to put in words where I am right now in my faith. Maybe having lost faith somewhere along the way and not knowing how to get it back. I appreciate your openness and honesty.
I’m sort of in the same boat. Grew up in a VERY Catholic family. Married a guy that was not only not Catholic but divorced. GASP. Our marriage could not be blessed and is not valid in the eyes of the church. In the middle of all that, my mother…my very best friend, died. I was pissed. I’m still pissed. But at my core, I’m Catholic and I’m putting all my children through their sacraments so that they can make their own choice as adults. And maybe some day I’ll be better at being Catholic again too. Who knows.
…and by the way, I laughed at the kids talking back and forth. It’s healthy that you can hear it and process it and know where their little minds are and appreciate the thought process. You are a great mom.
And OMG to clarify…not that I would ever equate losing my mom to the pain of losing a child. I realized, and perhaps you heard me scream all the way from Texas, that that may have come off wrong. My loss went in the natural order of things. I don’t know if I could handle what you have gone through…
Ha! Oh, I couldn’t agree more about the laughing amidst death idea. My father passed away unexpectedly 2 years ago. I was 25, but I don’t think anyone gets used the idea of their parents dying. It was an especially traumatic situation {having to tell my mother the CPR was not working because he was already gone, watching what happens to a body after its organs stop functioning, etc.}.
The ONLY way my family got through it was: #1: Our knowledge that my dad was in Heaven and that he would never experience pain or sickness again, and #2: Having a sense of humor!
What’s funny is that people seem to have more of a problem with #2. They don’t understand how my mom, sister, and I can laugh about how my mom almost accidentally set the phonebook ON my dad as if he was a table when we were in the ER after he had officially passed away and she needed to look up the phone number to the funeral home.
But you know what? Who the heck cares?! Your grief is your grief. You deal with it whatever way you can. I admire you for your candor and hope it inspires more people to bare their souls the way you have. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us!
~ Natalie
I have had many issues of my own with God over the years and have only recently found my way back to church. I had to do it for me. No one else.
The conversation between you and your boys about Matthew DID make me smile..but only because I could see the thought processes behind it.
Thank you for sharing your story with us :)
Wow. You are speaking my language, using words and phrases I endured FOR YEARS and did not believe in and I can sympathize. I think the Mormon religion is its own worst enemy; micro-managing religious notions and faithful followers to a fault, to a point where the people who want to believe, be obedient, be Christ-like can’t be as perfect as they’re expected to be and therefore fall away, being made to feel like they’ve failed or done something wrong.
I was never a faithful person, always a skeptic. I wish I had/have something to believe in. It’s not a matter of stubbornness, just simply not being able to find reason behind The Way Things Happen For A [Good!] Reason which the Mormon church is so fond of.
Despite my lack of faith, I too find myself defending the church I do not believe in at times. (There are so many false rumors and for the most part, I believe Mormons are very good natured, generous people.) However, there are too many issues the church and I will never see eye to eye on (gay marriage, the misogynist attitude when it comes to leadership, etc.).
I laughed and I got teary reading your post.
Like you, I am not certain what comes next but I HAVE to believe that we just don’t stop being. We have to go somewhere. We cant just end.
But Matthew is waiting for you and until then, he lives on in your heart and his siblings hearts and now mine too.
(((Thanks for visiting and commenting on my site too!!)))
I am following the link from Suburban Turmoil and this is the first time I have visited your blog but it will definitely not be the last. Ordinarily I do not like to talk about religion unless someone specifically asks for my views because I believe everyone has a right to make their own choices and follow their own beliefs and when two people believe differently we just have to live and let live. But reading this post I just for once had to say something. First of all it is very brave of you and must have been very hard to write this post. After what happened to you son I can completely understand you questioning everything you had previously believed – how could something so awful occur and why. I also admire you for still introducing your children to religion and allowing them to learn and later then make up their own minds. My parents are not religious but they took us to church when we were old enough to learn and understand and let us decide for ourselves what we believed and did not believe. I am not religious either – I think there is some explanation too incredible for us human beings to fathom as to how and why we all got here but that the things that happen in life just do – good and bad, it’s the luck of the draw. No one is judging us and deciding who gets to have a good life and who doesn’t. But when the time comes I will introduce my daughter to religion too, and let her decide for herself and support her beliefs whatever she decides.
Sometimes it IS hard for all of us (LDS), I think, at one time or another we realize that for one reason or another- the “rules” pertaining to our familial status in the afterlife may in the end deal us an “unfair” blow… such as your situation with your son.
The thing is… the more I’ve listened and learned and questioned.. my understanding- and what I choose to believe, is that the rules are really more “guidelines”- and that Heavenly Father loves us more than to just be a heartless beaurocrat who will only look at our paperwork and assign us thusly without regard for our personal circumstances. Basically- my understanding and belief about our complicated and tangled personal situations.. is that God will sort them out in a loving and compassionate way… so, I do believe that regardless of your temple sealing situation… you will be with your son… HF knows your heart and he knows every little hurt and misfortune and ugliness that has etched itsself into your life and he takes all of it into account.
I think in the end, he will surprise you with his compassion and love for you.
Came over from Her Bad Mother’s place.
I am so, so sorry for your loss.
And your children’s discussion of it (with the conclusion about the shovels) made me laugh so much I was crying in my cube. Kids are wonderful. I have many, many similar discussions with my 5yo and 3yo, in the car, when I am half distracted by trying not to let other drivers kill us already.
Loralee,
When I was growing up my grandfather and great uncle would have heated debates about religion and politics. It was especially a tradition during our Passover seder, and if you’ve ever seen Fiddler on the Roof, you know my people are big on Tradition! Tradition! One such debate left one yelling at the other and this was the exchange:
My uncle, a Socialist who no longer practiced any religion, accused,”I don’t even know how you can believe all of this hypocrisy.” and my grandfather retorted, “It’s easy, I don’t believe in all of it, I just choose one of the many and believe in that one.” So you make your choice as to what fits into your life and go with it. You’ve had a huge loss, but in it have gained so much perspective and it was brave of you to share it here. Some questions in life (and about death) just never have answers that will satisfy us, so we just do the best we can and hope it all turns out okay in the end. Whatever The End ends up being. I’m so happy I stumbled into the room when I did at the CheeseburgHer party.
My best friend’s 18month old son was killed on Oct 23rd, 2009. His birthday is this Sunday. Reading your post, especially the glove, was amazing and something that I will share with her. Her older boys are 6 & 4 and are handling things currently, but as you said you never really know how they are doing.
Thank you for a great post and being so honest.
Hugs to you. I have not lost a child but I have watched my son struggle to live many times over the last 3 exhausting years. I, too, struggle with faith after a very religious upbringing. What kind of God would do this to a child? People well-meaningly say my son is an example of how to fight hard and that he’s a blessing to many people. Screw that. I don’t want him to be an example. I selfishly want him to live an easy life and be happy without having to be a “blessing.”
I admire your ability to so eloquently put your feelings to paper/screen. I try and fumble many times and come across as a heathen who doesn’t believe in God. Like you, I believe in a higher power, I just don’t know what that higher being is. I believe in a community of faith in goodness. I believe in good people. I believe that I should do my best to make the people and the world around me better.
And THANK YOU for making it okay to laugh. I snorted reading about your other child knowing where the shovels are! A lot of people see my humor as gallows humor but I wouldn’t know how to survive otherwise. The event that started the hardest part of my son’s journey happened in a hospital. After everything settled down, a nurse and I were laughing uncontrollably in the hall about a comment someone made while it was happening. Most people think it was stress, but it wasn’t entirely; it was just a really funny comment. I cherish that moment more than most because it let me know that laughter is what is going to get me through this. Laughter -and alcohol- are the great equalizers. If I can figure out how God fits in there, I’ll let you know.
I can understand what you are going through in your confusion about your church. I am having a “difference of opinion” with our church of 12 years. I finally got fed up and we have been attending a different church for the last three weeks. But it’s just not as cut and dried as that. Our church is our family, our social life, and our responsibility and it is tough to go back to being the “new kid” who doesn’t know anyone in the new church. It’s awkward and I don’t know how to explain it to people or even if we should have to explain it. Now they are calling me to help with different activities that I normally would help with and I’m conflicted.
Do I stay strong and stay mad, or do I just let bygones be bygones? I don’t know. I feel like it’s more of a trial separation than a divorce and not having been through either of those, I don’t quite know how to do that.
I totally get the part about laughing, because if you don’t it will kill you. That’s my number one survival tactic.
I’m a mormon. Active, married to an RM in the temple, calling-holding, coffee-deploring (though Diet Dr Pepper inhaling) card carrying mormon.
But from Sunday to Sunday, I’m not entirely sure what I think of it. (During the week I try not to think about it much.) I have issues with everything from Prop 8 to temple ceremonies to the role of women to our somewhat problematic church history. Baskets O Issues. It’s why I don’t talk about religion on my blog, other than anecdotally.
But I like church. It works for me. I love the goodness that surrounds me there (even though I know mormons don’t have the market cornered in that arena). So I choose it. I would like to believe it wholeheartedly. I would like to have more faith than I do. But we work with what we have, and that’s what I have – a lot of doubt but also love for the people, love for my heritage, and a desire to be a good person. (And a desire not to have my kids be shunned socially, let’s be honest.)
My bishop once told me he doubted I’d ever be able to get off the fence, I had the post stuck so far up my rear. He’s probably right.
I was married to a jack Mormon for 23 years from a family of Temple Mormons. I totally get it. I was raised Catholic and did not convert. This made me hugely unpopular as you well know.
LDS are great great wonderfully great people. It’s a flaw in all very religious people that they cannot get past the, you’re not active therefore not really one of us, stage.
Our relationship with God is intimately personal. Everyone of us will stand before the Father in eternity. I tell people, ‘Don’t worry, it’s between me and God. And me and God, are good.’
And so are you!
*hugs*
Thank you. Not LDS here. We are Methodist. But I’ve been struggling, big time, with my faith as of late. Thank you for this post. Thank you for being you.
My son is 3.5 years old and we have not had any type of death discussion with him yet. The topic has come up before, and we have told him that if you die you go away forever, but he’s too young to really care or understand. I don’t know what we’ll tell him when he gets older, but it’s something to think about.
I call myself a “buffet table spiritualist”: I pick what I like, and leave the rest.
I totally believe that we get to be with our loved ones in the afterlife.
Love the glove analogy, and your kids’ conversation, too! ;D
My heart goes out to you as you struggle with your faith. I grew up in a very conservative Mennonite religion and can tell you that I became confused about who God is. About age 30, after losing my dear mom to cancer, I felt drawn to find out more about God. What I have found is that religion isn’t about rules and laws and traditions. It is about a relationship with God through His son Jesus Christ. His word, the Bible, untouched by human interpretation or additions or deletions is living and active and has transformed my life.
When you seek God with all your heart and ask Him to show you a relationship, He is faithful and guides you. I think that we are all created with an emptiness that only God can fill and we get so distracted by what the world has to offer and tells us is right that we close the truth of God out of our lives. I pray that you will seek and find the creator and source of life! It is so much simpler than our “religions” make it to be.I am studying the book of John this year, and as I read it and obey what I hear…His Spirit teaches, and I am in awe and amazed by the power of His love and peace. Peace to you and your family~ J
It sounds like to me you stopped going to church because it was too “hard” for you. And because you have a chip on your shoulder about not being sealed.
If you really do believe in this religion, then why not go back? If it really is your religion of choice, as you say, then why would it not be worth working for? “Hard” things and all?
I struggled in faith too. And I finally came to the conclusion that it was “faith” that was the problem for me. I am a very comfortable atheist at this stage of my life. Which makes death painful and sad but I approach it with the reminder to myself that people live on in all of the lives that they touched. Your son is now part of his brothers and of everyone else who loved him (whether or not you believe him to be in the arms of the Heavenly Father). I have friends of many faiths and I respect them all. Our hearts and heads are so complicated. Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable part of yourself, it reminds us of how simply human we are.
I love that you wrote this, I know it’s hard to articulate all the thoughts and feelings surrounding faith and death and losing a child, I still cannot do it. Not as thoroughly as you did. I lost my newborn daughter to a birth defect. We found out mid-pregnancy that she wouldn’t live long, so we had time to grieve and prepare our 2 yr old son. Wish I’d known about the glove analogy, that really is perfect. My mind just reels at the sudden loss of a 4 month old, I am so sorry. Death is a not-uncommon discussion topic at our house, too, which disturbs a few friends who can’t even bear to discuss a pet dying with their kids. But our kids ask about their baby sister in heaven, ask why the doctors couldn’t fix the hole in her head, and for some reason often confuse baby Jesus with their baby sister. We do try to correct that, but it seems apt to me. We are supposed to love our babies, and all mankind, like they are Jesus, right? I believe your son will be waiting for you, just as Jesus will. I don’t think God is ever about keeping our love apart. Matthew’s love sprang from yours, I have faith it will be reunited.
Loralee,
I was directed to your blog from the R house. And although I have a very long story such as you. I read this post with tears in my eyes. I could not believe how much I agree with so many of your words. I also grew up LDS. In Utah much of my life. It wasn’t until I moved away about 6 years ago, that I was really able to discover my own thoughts and feelings, about not only who I was, and what I really wanted to be without the influence of so many others. But I also discovered that “people” are good! And it didn’t take me long to decide that the wonderful people of so many other religions I came across, would also be with me wherever we are in the end. Like you, I do struggle with many of the principles although I do still take my kids to church more times than not. I have never fit the “perfect” mold of mormonism either, and probably never will. But for once in my life I am O.K. with that! If people want to judge me so be it! I also lost a son and have felt all of those same feelings. Thanks for sharing! Also I just moved to Oklahoma from Vegas…and I enjoyed your pictures on the Ranch! I try to read Ree’s blog everyday to remind myself that people can be happy here! :) Thanks Again! Love your blog!
Loralee,
While entertaining myself on my laptop I googled my name since it is unusual to see who else shared and you came up. It seems we share a name and also the loss of a son. I have four children and my last two were identical twin boys. On Oct 22, 2004 Peter died a sudden death. Police at door – visit to morgue – saw him lying peacefully on a slab through a glass window for a few minutes. Shock, disbelief, knowing I would never hear his voice again or his particular laugh. Huge funeral, my eulogy, all a blur now. His twin Tim suffers a loss greater than mine, losing his other self, the unique relationship of identicals.
I have stuggled with where I stand and what I truly believe regarding God and the Hereafter. As comforting as it would be… and as much as I envy those who are believers, whatever their faith might be, it simply doesn’t work for me. My scientific mind and my inability to blindly believe in man made religions set me apart. Of course I hope that whatever is there after death includes my spirit connecting with my son and others that have meant so much to me in my life. The truth is no one knows.
My very best to you Loralee.
From Lora Lee
I can’t figure out why I can’t reply to Lou on the post, so I’m doing it here.
LOVED that movie.