I think that the worst kept secret in parenting is that many parents can and actually DO have favorite children.
Gasp!
Some truly do not, but it is way, way more common than it appears and it can range from kids having no idea their parents prefer one child to another (YAY!) to the extreme asshole/possibly abusive end of the scale where it is painfully, horribly obvious to everyone that there is a Golden Child. (BOO!)
(If you couldn’t tell it’s, um, way better to strive for the former than the latter.)
I have loved people that have born the brunt of being less favored (in the icky way) by their parents and it is so hurtful to them. Even if you feel loved and appreciated by your parents it can sting when they just find another sibling more compatible/interesting than you are. People deal with the fallout of this in different ways and it depends on the extent of treatment but they all seem to go through stages of insecurity, anger, resentment and confusion to varying degrees of intensity. Hopefully they can come to terms with it but some carry severe scars of it their whole lives.
And that is so very wrong.
As parents most of us strive to love, interact, treat, like and feel equally about our kids, but ”equal” in parenting doesn’t really exist.
Some kids need more from their parents than others. Some kids sap their parents emotional and physical reserves far more than their other kids. And yes, some parents just LIKE one kid more than the others. And the tendency is feel horribly guilty about it.
I disagree.
If you are doing your best to make sure your kids needs are met and that they feel loved and secure, I don’t believe that it is wrong.
Trying to be fair in what you give and show to your children doesn’t mean that you can dictate emotional reaction at a base level. Kids are still people, and there are people you get along with naturally better than others. Even if they are the fruit of your loins and you love them dearly.
There are other reasons for having favorite children.
For example?
I absolutely have a favorite.
Here he is:
My life, my joy, my baby boy.
Note the word I used there?
Baby?
It’s a biggie, folks.
I have had 4 boys and ALL OF THEM HAVE BEEN MY FAVORITE AT THAT AGE.
For me it’s the age, not the child.
(Although, I DO confess to the shine on James’ star being slightly dimmed when he tells me that I am going to die alone in a nursing home since he will never get married or have children because I won’t let him stay up to watch, “Annie” and “HOW CAN I UNDERSTAND WOMEN IF YOU DON’T LET ME WATCH CHICK FLICKS, MOTHER?!!!!!”. Sigh.)
Sure, character traits, temperament, and likes and dislikes make some kids mesh easier than others, but I have wildly different children and I truly love each of them for different reasons. I LIKE them on different levels depending on the day. One is easier to get a long with on a day-to-day basis, but he has so many qualities and loves with me that it all comes out pretty even Steven in the wash.
But yes…I confess to having favorite ages, and NO age is more loved by me than “BABY”.
I WORSHIP my babies.
Utterly.
Blindly.
Passionately.
And I don’t apologize for it.
The good thing is?
Aaron is everyone’s favorite in my family.
I do not have to fight insecurity in other children that are threatened by the new baby. You can bet if one of my children were feeling that way I would go out of my way to fight it so that they felt just as loved. As it is, I still have stepped it up with my youngest to make sure we have some “Mom/son” time that is just us and his Dad takes him on outings all the time.
But really, it is a non-issue.
There are few household activities that trump BABY TIME!!! My boys, Jonathan and I all come running when someone announces, ‘Look at what the baby is doing!”. The boys beg to help bathe, feed, rock, play with and “have bro time” constantly. My Dad calls multiple times a day to check on him and to tell me to kiss him and tell him not to give away all his kisses before Grandpa sees him next. My mom loves Wednesdays when they watch him while Jonathan and I have choir practice, even though they are in their mid 70’s and it’s not as easy as it used to be for them. They LOVE all my boys but like the rest of us, there is just a special light that shines with a baby.
For everyone.
After everything we have all been through, I am just so happy that he is here to BE the favorite.
We all would have it no other way.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
It’s not really horrible if its agreed upon that your favorite is the all-around favorite.
Right?
Preach it sister.
I never thought I would have a favorite child, even with 3 of them, but it would be a lie if I tried to say I didn’t. Much like you, it’s the age. I’m a baby lover. When each child was the baby, they were my favorite, while my husband prefers the toddler age.
I too love babies…. I just don’t have any of my own to favorite yet.
But trust me, when they get here – the babies will always be my favorite.
it only stands to reason to me that because children all have their unique personalities, there would be a natural closeness that might develop if a parent shares traits, etc.
in my family, my baby brother is my mother’s favorite. she doesn’t try to hide it, which can be hurtful, but overall i don’t let it bother me because of my two brothers, he is also my favorite. plus, he had cancer so i think my mom views him as being more fragile. i am my dad’s favorite, hands down. my poor middle brother, talk about “middle kid syndrome!”
in my husband’s family, both of his parents fawn and obsess over his younger brother, who happens to be a huge douche bag. it breaks my husband’s heart and i will admit to there having been several occasions where i told them about themselves, lol. i’m sure there will be more confrontations, too. oh well!
I know someone who literally is the ONLY decent sibling out of 6 and it’s taken their parents YEARS to realize it.
Sometimes parents have the biggest blinders on known to mankind.
I have no idea why that happens…and I seriously hope it doesn’t with me.
I feel I’ve always been very aware of my kids achievements and their flaws, so I don’t THINK I would be like that but my kids aren’t adults yet though, so it may be an entirely different ballgame then.
I think sometimes it’s a kid himself that makes parents like him less. I say “him”, bacause I have a conrete example. In my family, I am the lucky one, the favorite one. Not that my parents love my brother less or try for him any less harder, he’s just being… difficult. He’s six years older than I am, so really he is an adult man, but he still lives with our parents (making enough money to buy or rent an appartement isn’t that easy). And as I remember him – he’s always been like this. You know… distant. Close to himself. He doesn’t really talk to us anymore (parents say he used to, when I was little; he used to be very protective of me and all, but it seems almost impossible now). He keeps to himself, he goes out with frirends, works, sleeps, eats and… nothing more. Hardly ever tells us anything, my mom has to make him tell us things like who his new girlfriend is or so. You’ll admit, it’s hard to keep a close relation with someone like him.
I’m the opposite – I love to hang out with my parents (especially now, when most of the time I’m away from them), I call my mom exvery single day, when I’m home I hardly ever go out so that I can spend more time with them. My mom is my best friend and my dad is a great buddy for me. So yeah, I can’t tell that for sure, but I certainly feel like the favorite kid. But if it’s anyone’s fault, it’s my brother’s, I think.
(Or maybe my father’s, but I am still unsure what have happened between them that made them so distant one from another.)
ciao,
Amy.
Yes, but in the reverse, I have seen parents jump through hoop after hoop after hoop to win the “favor” and affection of the unattainable child that is distant from them only to ignore the one that is jumping up and down in front of them dying for attention.
It’s odd.
True. Life’s odd. I guess everything’s okay as long as it suits your family :)
ciao,
Amy.
I have favorite ages too… and those ages I detest.
I always felt like the one that never measured up. It was always “well your sister could do this, what’s the problem?” or I was never religious enough, smart enough, made good enough choices, etc. But then Mom would visit and say, “oh I like how YOU dress better,” and “YOU are so much more even keeled and easy to talk to,” etc.
It was confusing, frustrating and hard. I never did (and I still don’t) ever feel that I can do anything good enough.
I love both my boys fantastically. But I am definitely more compatible with one of them. The other is perhaps so similar in personality to me, that we butt heads–a lot. But we also love each other a lot. Because it is apparent to me that I get along with one more than the other, I find myself trying very hard to keep all things equal. I hope they grow up understanding that compatibility and love are very different things.
I never felt the favoritism from my parents, but I sure did from my aunts and uncles. My sister is four years older than me, and I can’t tell you how many times one of my aunts would say to her, (with me standing right next to her), “You’ve always been my favorite niece.” Okay…..Thanks! We’re 48 and 52 now, and I still feel it from the aunts and uncles who haven’t passed away. I’ll send Christmas cards and they send one back every three years or so. My sister? She gets one from them every year. I even have an aunt who won’t approve my friend request on Facebook, yet responded to my sister right away. Trust me, I didn’t do anything to any of these people except be the “other one”. My parents tried for years to get pregnant with my sister, so they were all thrilled when she was born. When I came along, it was “just another girl”. I’ve spent 48 years trying to tell myself that I don’t care, but the truth is, it hurts.
By the way, I love your blog. :-)
being an aunt i can gush and praise and claim superiority of all my nieces and nephews without that guilt induced humility that mothers sometimes feel.
each one is my favorite for different reasons at different times of their lives.
of course the babies are just the best to fawn over-its really impossible to spoil them at that point.
i just love watching them all grow into their own person and genuinely like(and love)them for who they are.
i know my parents had a favorite. it was me. and my brother. and my sister. all for different reasons. we all felt loved and valued, but knew we each had a special place because of who we were specifically.
I have nine kids, and a step daughter. I absolutely LOVE my babies. there is nothing in the world better than a new baby. The enitre infanthood, I feel like I am on a honeymoon. I just can’t get enough of them when they are babies. I totally love my toddlers, too. They are so magical, especially when they are learning to talk. My husband is the same, we love them to pieces and enjoy every second until they are about 3.5 years. Then they get a little mouthy and obnoxious. We have an almost 5 year old right now who was the sweetest, most handsome, most charming kid. Well, lucky for him, he is still really good looking, cuz not so much is the personality department! Turning a bit into a brat, time outs, all that going on.
Girls are the same as my boys, but when thy hit nine or ten, they get REALLY bossy and know-it-all-y. Def. not my fave!
They seem to turn back into people around 19. At least that has been our exprience! Blessings to you and your beautiful boys!
I have a favorite dog. Does that count?
I bet choosing a favorite was a bitch.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!
I’m so punny I slay me.
(THAT WAS A JOKE, PEOPLE.)
Nolan is my favourite child :) right now anyway, but I guess it doesn’t count when you have one right?
But seriously, he is THE EASIEST baby ever!!! So, if other babies I have are somehow easier or just as easier…well, who knows. But right now, he is my favourite!!! :D
I was the favorite, and still am. I’m fairly certain it’s part of why my brother initially started on his self-destructive behavior. It’s caused me a lot of guilt because I feel the same favoritism when it comes to my daughter vs. his.
You have so completely described my exact feelings. We have baby #4 in the house, he is 7 years younger than his next sibling. He is adored by everyone. Additionally, my children are not at all threatened by him. There is no jealousy because he is loved by everyone equally. He is the BABY. And BABY is MY favorite age as well. Mainly because they are so dang cuddly at that age. It is nice to not have to deal with the jealousy…especially since all of my older kids know that after I get home from work, I NEED to have time with the BABY (since I only see him 90 minutes every day). They hand him over to me almost immediately. They all know that when they were babies they were treated the same way. I think that the older kids seeing me with their youngest brother reinforces our reinforces my relationship with them…they realize that thier mom loves them just as much…just without all the kissing and cuddling – they would prefer to not do that any more…not that I wouldn’t. :o)
I am so guilty of having a golden child. I have a few in fact. It’s all about personality. I do NOT love them any more, I just mesh with them better than the others.
MOTHERHOOD FAIL!!
I wanted to write about this, and then stumbled on this post!
I have been known to play favorites, too. At the beginning, it was age, because I could just rest and enjoy the baby while my oldest was in the midst of her terrible two’s. Now, the ‘baby’ is 2 1/2 and I go back and forth. One is more snuggly, one is more fun. Like the poster said, I don’t love either one of them more, but at times, one is more in tune with me. Sadly, I got called out on it recently by my oldest, and it made me feel like crap.
I totally understand you, as I am in the midst of baby number 5, she’s just 2 and a half months old. I swear, I am so angry at myself that I didn’t cherish every baby like I cherish my baby Amy. I was too busy getting things “right” with my first 3 that I didn’t hug and kiss and snuggle and raspberry them enough. Now I’m 38 and wish I could have 5 more, but I’m stretched pretty thin as it is!
You are right, we all have a favorite child, Just favorite at different times!
Totally agree. My oldest is just about to turn three, and I can honestly say that this? This is an asshole age. I love my son fiercely with blinding light and unicorn farts and rainbows and shit, but his attitude and everything right now, just taxes me. The baby is just fun and loving and while I like them a little older and more independent, I love babies.
I love my children equally, in that I have just as much love for one as I do the other. But I do love them differently. He’s my baby boy. Innocent, and my first. She’s my last and my little girl, and she already rolls her eyes at me.
It’s funny, though, about everyone loving the baby. My mother, who was literally unfavored by my grandmother, a woman who made no bones about not wanting a girl, and always wanting a boy, seemingly loves my son more than my daughter. It’s probably not the case, but there are days where it feels that way. I know that she just likes hanging out with my son more because he’s more fun and she’s way too much of a mama’s girl right now. She wants nothing to do with anyone else.
My two year old daughter is such a snuggle bunny, that I can’t help but smother her in kisses on her soft cheeks, and stroke her baby soft hair that only just needs a barrette. Her 5 year old brother has never been a snuggler, and he’s all elbows and knees and shooting imaginary bad guys and sassy teenage attitude, so I can’t help but feel as if she is my favorite – she is still so much like a baby. Of course I tell my son “I love you” all the time, and squeeze in hugs and kisses when I can. Now I have #3 on the way, I am hoping my sweet little girl doesn’t experience dreaded middle child syndrome, and that I never forget the days when she was my “favorite”.
My goal is that all three of my children each think they’re my favorite.