And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
—Anais Nin
Fear is one of the most powerful emotions humans can experience.
I believe that fear is necessary and essential. It can warn you of danger, heighten your sense of self-preservation and serve as a warning system for you to use extra care and caution in a different situations.
Fear can also paralyze you.
I should know.
It’s been paralyzing me.
Oh, wait.
We’re not supposed to admit that, right?
Too bad, so sad.
I not only admit it, I am going to talk about it.
About 4 months ago I wrote and published the first part of 3-segment series about the most difficult thing I will EVER write or talk about…my suicide attempt following the death of my infant son and other things that are too long and painful to get into here.
It took me years and years to get up the courage to write and I had geared up for months trying to prepare myself for finally talking about what I consider my deepest pain and shame.
I wanted to not only free myself of the albatross that is perpetually hanging around my neck, but to also try to help others understand the mindset of someone beaten down to the point that they truly feel that the entire world would be better off without them in it. To reach out to those that are struggling and feel that there is just no way on this earth that they can get through. To try to give some shelter and comfort to those that have attempted to take their life and can’t or won’t talk about it because of sheer humiliation or embarrassment.
Although it was the very last thing of importance to me, the post was wildly popular, as online displays of such sadness, tragedy and spectacle are often wont to be.
It helped a lot of people and I am glad of that.
But the fall out for me was horrible.
I did not pick the timing to talk about it very well. It was a week away from the anniversary of the death of my son, which is always a difficult time. My new little Butterlump was almost the exact age as his older brother was when he died. Having an infant the same age as Matthew on the anniversary of his death was so painful I could barely breathe some days. To say that I was scared and worried that the same fate would befall little Aaron is an understatement.
Besides all this emotion hitting me at a very vulnerable time, that post was hell to write. There are a couple of issues in my life that often deliver me RIGHT back to the time they happened. It’s like I’m Quantum Leaping back to the thick of the moment. I can smell the same smells, hear the same sounds and worst of all…it feels the same.
I don’t feel like I have years of healing and coping behind me.
Not at ALL.
It often leaves me feeling as raw and new as if it happened yesterday.
It’s awful.
Very worst of the whole experience is that it hurt people I love and care about.
It wasn’t that they didn’t want me to write it or that I went against wishes…it was just an awful lot for them to read and re-live as well. It makes my eyes sting and my chest ache just thinking about it. My regret and sorrow for putting people through one more moment of pain after they have already been through so much because of me is huge.
So, on a personal level it was just a much tougher process than I anticipated. But I could probably have dealt with that if it were the only issue I had on my plate.
About the same time my post came out I watched and saw up close just how horrifyingly ugly the Internet can be. I am not talking about someone coming on your blog and being mad at something you write and being passionate and heated or even the occasional nasty troll or two. I am talking about sheer UGLINESS and on a big, huge scale. I have had my share of hate and crap and face-melting emails and comments (which never see the light of day or I delete as soon as possible) but I have never had it on a large scale of hundreds to thousands of people. When someone you love get hits with something like that, well…it’s a terrible and awesome thing to behold, people.
It is not pretty.
And it is freaking intimidating and awful.
I am human and have deeply hurt people. I have gotten angry. I have lashed out. Even though I am so imperfect and flawed, I genuinely love my fellow man and wish we were all a LOT kinder to each other. Yes, I am the idealistic dork that truly wishes we could all buy the world a Coke and hold hands with hippie wreaths in our hair and sing Kumbaya around a bonfire in the moonlight. When I see or get involved with backlash that causes people pain I hate it. Sometimes I can let it roll off my shoulders but far too often I am unable to.
I’ve been very unable to let anything roll off my shoulders lately.
I didn’t deal with the aftermath of this very well.
Fear of possible ugliness and judgment aimed at me online mixed with a hyper-vigilant worry about hurting my loved ones by something I would write started to choke the life out of me and this blog. I abandoned my series. I didn’t write part 2 or part 3 because I couldn’t.
I was too afraid.
So, I shut down.
I’ve hardly posted.
I’ve churned out product that I am not proud of. I am not looking for, nor want, a chorus of “No, your blog is SUPER AWESOME!” If you love my blog anyway, god bless you, but I am not proud of my blog in its current condition because I know what I am capable of and the stuff I have been putting out there IS NOT IT. I felt the weight of the muzzle I’ve put around myself keenly and it’s gotten to the point that it is worse than the fear that is pinning me in.
I am angry.
Not at you.
At me.
For my lack of backbone and courage. I tend to lean to the cowardly side with tissue paper for skin and I hate conflict. I have passed up endless opportunities to help, defend and protect out of sheer fear. It makes me ashamed to stand next to people that show nothing but bravery as they get virtually bitchslapped.
I will ALWAYS try to be considerate in my writing…that will not change. But I cannot believe that I have let myself become so twisted up in worrying what people are going to say about me that I would end up feeling disgusted and ashamed of one of the things I used to be so very proud of.
But I have.
I’ve literally worried myself sick.
Then something happened.
I opened my inbox and there was an email from BlogHer asking if it would be possible for me to finish writing my series for them to syndicate.
At first I thought, “HELLS, NO!”
But.
I started thinking about it bit by bit. I looked at what my blogging and real life has been like lately and the hole I have dug myself into and it was a painful picture. So, I went to the people that were closest to me, especially during all that hell and I asked them how they felt about me finishing the series. While all of them know it will not be fun for any of us to re-live, they all want me to write it. It’s like we all can sense it needs to be talked about and worked through.
So?
I am going to do it.
I still have worries, concerns and a WHOLE lot of doubt that I am a talented enough writer to accurately portray what happened while protecting people as much as possible, but I have got to try. I know that I will still have a lot of fear while I navigate the things called life and the Internet, I just have to not let it get the better of me.
I am going to finish my series and get this big freaking black rain cloud of doom the hell away from my head.
I’ve given away my personal power hand over fist for months and that stops today.
I am done.
Now, if you’ll excuse me?
I have some writing to do.
Stumble it!
Filed under: 
I’ll get my Kleenexes ready, I know I will need them.
*hugs and support* :)
I’m proud of you for going forward. Maybe that’s weird to say, but write it, sister.
Ditto.
and I’m one of the drooling masses that is grateful for whatever of you I can get.
That quote by Anais Nin is one of my favorites. It was the header on my first blog (that I had so long ago, before I even realized what blogging was).
I hope you can reach inside to find the courage you need to write truthfully and authentically, as you always do.
i’m so glad that you’re writing it. the people who comment do so because of their ignorance. they do not realize what experiences actual people have had, and their ignorance turns into ugliness. i’m one of those ‘if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it’ folks, but i will admit to secret judging… and i must say, reading and following blogs has given me the comeuppance i so deserve. i’ve learned so much about ACTUAL EXPERIENCES that ACTUAL PEOPLE have had, and i am so much less likely to judge nowadays. i’ve learned, from your blog and so many others, that dear lord, there are so many experiences to be had and it’s just not my place to hand out ANY opinions. i’m likely wrong, in whatever i think. hopefully, a few more people will read your story and start to learn the same lesson.
Bless you, sister. And may you find the strength and write the heck outta that story!!!!
You know, when we hold stuff in and try to hide it, it takes up so much of our energy. Bringing things into the light is such a freeing experience (I know this myself). Praying you’ll have the courage and the words to finish bringing your story into the light – and that your health will improve with it too (I believe that our spirit/soul/body is all entwined and if something is wrong with one area it affects all areas).
Looking forward to reading your story.
So proud of you. Xo
Sometimes the internet can be an ugly, ugly place. It makes my heart hurt and my head spin – why – why would someone expend SO much energy towards hate?
But then I come and read something by you. Something that reminds me that people are good and that even in the midst of our darkest moments, we can all share things that help make the world better. Through sharing our own experiences.
Thank you.
I am so very glad you had the courage to not only speak about this fear (we all have it) but also, write the truth!
Damn straight woman! You rock that! I have never met a more open group of women and for that I can’t thank you enough. Hearing stories like yours makes me realize that I too can hit my low point and rise back up. The blog world has made me feel SO much less alone and way more like I have a future in this crazy world.
Hi Loralee!
This is why I read your blog. “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” In other words: you go girl! I live in DC and am living daily with the renewed fear of an imminent terrorist attack. NO ONE talks about it! If I didn’t talk about it and pray about it, I would suffocate. So I do bring it up in conversation (not every one or all the time but enough for me to deal). These are the parts of life that must be faced. And I believe the people that show their hurts and fears but press on in spite of them are the ones that will thrive.
Cheers!
Oh and one more thing: its been shown that people are WAY meaner on the internet than in real life. So when people write mean things, most of them aren’t really that harsh and maybe even decent human beings…possibly…since I don’t know what they said. Otherwise they are jerks. For what it’s worth.
Good for you!
Good for you, Loralee. Cast aside your doubts… and take your power back! :)
You go girl! Lots of love and good vibes coming your way <3
I’ll be praying for you as you do this! We all are here for you in blogland if you need us to verbally abuse someone for you ;)
I think you are very brave to blog about this. None of us know how we would deal with a situation like this until it happens to you and we all hope and pray it never will. I know I would be a complete basket case and while I hope I wouldn’t consider suicide, you just never know.
I’m sorry that people were horrible to you. I’ve seen that myself on Twitter and it’s ugly and scary. I don’t understand how people can be so judgmental and lacking in compassion. Women are good haters and that terrifies me sometimes. Guys are more willing to give people second and third chances.
That was really good!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Loralee and Loralee, jennscrzy. jennscrzy said: courageRT @looneytunes "Blogging through fear". (I could absolutely regret this in the morning. But I effing REFUSE to.)http://bit.ly/59lStf [...]
Get back to the business of being YOU. All will end well. Hugs.
Good thing you are going to start churning out quality work again. In addition to wanting my wives to be barefoot, pregnant, in an apron, in the kitchen, and cooking… I also want them to be fantastic writers to earn money for my Pepsi habit. And I know what you are thinking… PEPSI? You are a Diet Coke girl but, I also like my bitches to stay thin… so drink on.
Side note-I really need to stop leaving these crazy comments but I CAN’T.
Side side note-I was totally kidding about the quality writing part. I think what you have been writing is QUALITY. Everything else is true. LOL
Do you have any idea how bizarre the spawn of our loins is going to be?
;P
Totally weird… but with a great rack I am sure. I hope it’s a girl or we will have some funny looking kids.
Just yesterday I was thinking of you and of how hard it must have been for you when Butterlump approached the age when Matthew died.
I have commented before about why I think people project their pain and anger onto you – because they think by shoving it off onto someone else, they can avoid it for themselves – it’s like some kind of emotional immunization. Too bad it doesn’t work that way.
But the real point to realize is that IT ISN’T ABOUT YOU. IT IS NEVER ABOUT YOU. We can never know the fullness of someone else’s experience.
It hurts to be criticized, especially for those of us who have sensitive hearts. We second-guess, we mull, we go over and over things. I think part of it is that we really try to be kind and forgiving, so it seems like we really must have done something wrong when someone isn’t that way toward us.
When people lash out, they are trying to hurt, but it is probably because they are hurting or afraid. That doesn’t mean we have to hang out with them – it’s just something to keep in mind as we keep moving forward and leave them to deal with their own issues when they are ready.
My advice today is from the movie Poltergeist – “Go toward the light!” The world is full of kind, loving, supportive people – so many that to give awful people the time of day is kind of ridiculous.
You are brave, smart, wonderful and pretty. And you can sing. You can take on the world. The White House thinks so. BlogHer thinks so. And I think so. Go!
Good for you! I’m so proud! I have a post I’ve been wanting to write for nearly a year. But I don’t and I can’t and I stop. It’s not nearly as difficult as yours, but difficult in it’s own way. So I play it safe and I blog about…whatever. I hate not embracing my words and I can’t wait to see you work through yours.
Loved your opening quote by Anais Nin (I had never heard it before & it really spoke to me). Thank you for sharing this. It’s very much appreciated.
*hugs* They haters will always find something to bash. You just happen to look like a fun target because you talk about pain pretty openly.
I, and as I can see, and many many many others are on your side. You are not alone when the jerks begin clawing at you.
Good for you! I think this post is just as important as completing the series, thank you for your example!
You saved my blog today. That’s all I can even say… The lump in my throat is preventing my fingers from working properly. I love you. I truly truly do!
(big squishy hugs)
You are braver then I am, Loralee. There are hideously painful parts of my life that I won’t write about because it would make a family rift even larger. I’m afraid, too. Partly because like you said, it takes me back to that time and emotionally sucks the life out of me. It’s easier to post about being a Mamma Bear for my 13 year old against a stupid school system then writing about my own estranged family. It also would hurt people, especially my teenage nieces who read my blog (and I’d NEVER want to do that).
I also want to thank you. One of my best high school friends shot himself when we were 19. Suicide is a topic that nobody wants to hear about, even from the loved ones left behind. I’ve never really felt, in the 20 yrs since, that anyone really understood. It takes great deal of courage to put yourself out there, especially on the Internet where, as you said, people can be ugly. Grab that power back, Hon. Don’t let them in your head and make you doubt yourself. You are an amazing writer, a kind and big hearted person, and they are just cowards hiding behind a computer screen.
If you ever need someone to listen or a shoulder to cry on, I’ll be here. You know where to find me. :)
It is hideously difficult to choose to walk around with your skin peeled off, and by writing about something so enormous, intensely personal and controversial are choosing to do just that. Ultimately it is YOUR story to tell or not tell, and people will react from their own experience, pain, fear and love. However they will respond, it can’t change the facts of your personal experience and beliefs. You are brave and courageous to do this, even if you *are* shaking in your boots!
Stand tall.
Brilliant! You can do it, and you will be stronger and better for having done it! You are amazing!
YOur blog is always quality. Once I found it, I had to go back and read all of the archived posts. Your writing is compelling, even when it is about something silly. Writing is so cathartic, somethimes I write things just to get them out of my head, and heart. I don’t even need someone else to read the words. I hope this process is healing for you. I hope it helps you be the Loralee you want to be, even when the one you are is pretty fantastic. Blessings to you, Megan
I’m glad you are going to finish it. It’s one of the best things I’ve read on the internet in a long time, and I’m sure it was hard to write, but it does mean something to other people, so I am glad you did it, and I’m glad you are doing it.
You have my support and a case of diet coke. I know its hard to write about things like that. I have to be careful how much I talk about because I have had people tell me they hate my blog and wait for some family members to pass before I can tell my full story.
Good for you. I look forward to reading it.
I’ve just come upon your blog (we’re both on the CBC speakers list) and I am so touched by this post. A friend is just coming to grips with a difficult experience, and two years later she’s toying with the idea of writing about it. But it’s terrifying. We can learn so much from each other. I appreciate your courage and beautiful writing.
I am so glad I picked today to meet you, what an amazing post, raw and real. It is truly such a pleasure, can’t wait until the CBC to meet you in person. I’ll be back.
Very beautifully put, Loralee. Your first post on the topic spoke to me in a way I hadn’t been spoken to in a while, especially through a blog post, and I am looking forward to reading the other installments. Thank you for your courage.
There’s nothing wrong with sharing, but just not over sharing.
If you post things that might hurt your kids, or family in the future, don’t do it. It’s that simple. You need to write it out, great make it private. You need to save a piece of yourself, for yourself and your family. Make those entries private or on your hard drive, but don’t put it out in the public.
Some bloggers fail to see that.
Honestly when I started reading I thought of Sandi and thought you could speak some sense into her. I guess not.
I’m so happy you’ve decided to continue the series. I can only imagine how painful it must be to relive…and actually post in a public forum. Be strong, there are so many of us that have you back and will stand up for you, NO DOUBT!
Write on Loralee, write on. You’ve respectfully checked in with the people you know you need to and that is all you need to do. As for the judgers & naysayers, well, it’s easy to spout off when you don’t have to look anyone in the eye. Not sure where “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” and “it’s a free country so don’t read it if you don’t like it” went.
366 days ago, my son turned an age which was longer than my daughter ever lived.
I appreciate that part of your story.
I once blogged about the worst of the worst of the depression. I even included a video of me saying goodbye to my daughter in her final hours. I did it to place a visual along with the written words…to allow others a peek into a hell most have no clue about.
I did it for me. Grief is a selfish journey, as it ought to be. Complicated grief that arises from losing a child is that to the nth degree. I’ve always contended that if someone could walk this road “better” than I, my moccasins are available to them anytime. So far, there have been no takers.
Also, and with odd timing I have posted something today on my blog that you may find interesting.
Take care of you.
Screw the outer critics. Listen to the inner one, and only sometimes at that.
Go go go!
Writing it all out will hopefully be cathartic. Not just for you but for others who read it. When we share ourselves we give permission to others to be more themselves. That’s a wonderful gift.
Love your writing. Looking forward to reading more of your life story.
I am a social worker, and I have listened to many, many stories of pain, anguish, fear, and defeat. I have sat with people who are seriously thinking about killing themselves, and people who have tried to do just that. Their stories are different, but in some ways the same – the pain of loneliness, of feeling like no one understands, no one cares, and nor should they. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you have lived through, or the pain you will re-experience as you write this. Please know this one thing, though – you are giving an amazing gift to your readers, many of whom will never let you know. Your story of survival is inspirational, and your decision to move on with your life, to continue with the struggles of daily difficulties is a blessing to us all. Thank you.
Good for you! I am proud of you and just know…I am glad you are finishing it…I had wanted to ask about it but never dared!
Stepping into something we fear is the hardest thing their is.
This place, it can be one of the most amazing communities their is. It can also be one of the hardest, most unforgiving places their is as well. always someone to love you and tell you how amazing you are and four others to tell you how horrible you are.
I am afraid of my own words often. In posting, in comments. I find that most of the time, I back away slowly without saying much. Fear.
I hope you are able to finish it. Because I do believe it’s helpful. You are brave Loralee, braver than you know. Hugs sweetie.
Power to Loralee!!! I know this post, much less the series, was hard to write but it really made my heart do a little pitty-pat beat. Bravery isn’t action without fear – it’s action even though you’re terrified. Whether it matters at all – this little blogger is rooting for you. :)
I’m so proud of you Loralee. I can’t wait to read the rest of your story!
NO FEAR!
Your story is important. And you will tell it when you are ready. On your schedule. We will wait.
You ARE that amazing of a writer, all of us know this.
There are so many ugly people…it makes me want to run away from the world sometimes and take my sweet girls who know nothing about it along with me
I loved when you wrote,
“understand the mindset of someone beaten down to the point that they truly feel that the entire world would be better off without them in it.”
I can say that in different points in my life I have said this words word for word.
Your story is so important. Wishing you lots of good thoughts in getting through it.
Good for you. For yourself, and for others. I think that your story will probably help a lot of people. I can’t wait to take that journey with you.
All my love and support, I know you can do this!
XOXOXOXOXOX
Hi Loralee
I look forward to reading the rest of your story. I’m sure you will grow and heal from writing it.
I hope this isn’t insensitive to ask, but have you considered having Jonathan write his view of the story? As a separate post? I ask because I often wonder how I can help a person who feels as they would commit suicide. I’d be interested to know the thought process of the person on the outside, watching all this unfold.
It’s just an idea. Maybe I”m too curious. I hope I haven’t crossed the line by asking. Thanks.
I am SO PROUD of you for deciding to finish your series. I can only imagine how hard it must be to do so, writing about such great pain takes a lot of bravery that you DO have!
I look forward to reading the rest of it, and I know you can do it :)
xoxo
Yay!
Also proud! Your writing touches many people and this story has positive ramifications you may never even know about. I hope the negative effects of revisiting that time are minimal and it’s a healing experience for everyone.
XOXO!
You are an amazing writer and one of the bravest people I “know.” There is no doubt that it will be extremely painful for you to write and others to read the rest of your story but in some small way it may be healing to get it all out there.
I’m not sure how I found you – but I am so glad I did – writing is one of the bravest things we can do – it’s not easy and often, not popular, but it is one of the only things we can do to progress the emotional stake running through us and move it along a bit…and every little bit helps..thanks for helping me tonight :)
Good for you. And all those naysayers can just stuff it. You always do more god than bad and that’s what makes us love you!
Errr…that was supposed to be “good.” But god works too. :)
I am so glad i got to meet you through your television appearance with Bryan. I very much respect and admire Bryan(is it Wooley).
I am much impressed with you after logging on to your sight.
Thanks for giving authentic “words” to feelings and experiences most of us have or have had,or are having, and will have in the future(until the fat lady sings)I was seriously struggling and your story helped me to see light. I must know when i can read Part 2 and 3.
*ps your writing is far superior (insight and depth )to that of Stephanie Meyers
I went back and re-read Part 1. As much as it’ll pain you and those you love, I think that it’s healthy and worth it to see where you’ve been and how far you’ve come.
You’re amazing. I look forward to reading Part 2. And 3.
xoxo